We zombie killers work alone. At least I do. I'm just not a people person (1906 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: zombie
Rating: 1.97 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-01-27 06:43:16 EST
"Piss off!" I yelled, stabbing the zombie hand that was reaching through my letterbox to try and grab at me. They seemed to have got bored waiting and were now trying to encourage me to come out.
If a zombie could yelp, I swear this one would have, the way it pulled its hand sheepishly. With my other hand I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of the home made business cards, shoving them through the slot wrong way so they fluttered to the feet of the zombies outside.
"Read the cards, bitches." I said, doing so myself for the first time since pressing print. "Oh for fuck's sake." I moaned. At just a glance I could see three spelling errors and one missing word. "Okay, don't read the cards. Just...get the jist of the cards, bitches."
Getting to my feet, giving up on any idea coming to me, I decided on a more direct approach. I was going to rush them. The second I thought of the idea the adrenaline began gushing like a priest at choir camp.
I was barely able to contain myself as I jumped to my feet, drawing the short sword in one hand and holding a handful of crossbow arrows in the other. To get my blood flowing I began dancing like a boxer on the spot, going from one foot to the other, letting the pure energy run through me to give me everything I needed to charge these sons of bitches.
It was time.
It was time for these motherfuckers to learn just who they were fucking with.
I turned the key and pulled the door open, sword held high in my free hand.
"Holy shit!" I heard instantly. "Duck!"
This was quickly followed by echoes of gunshots rattling around the cul-de-sac. I dropped straight to the floor and backwards, moments before heads and bodies began exploding, along with more of the porch to my house.
When all the dust off the walls had settled and the echoes had disappeared, I looked around cautiously. There was no movement from the living dead, who were deader in front of me.
"Son of a shit." I said to myself, as I clambered to my feet. "What the hell was that?" I yelled, walking into the street where the guy who had just taken pot shots at my house was stood.
"That was me," As I approached the stranger lowered his handgun. "Or, more accurately, that was me, saving your life."
"I don't think so. You see, I don't need saving. Especially not from zombies."
"Is that a fact? Didn't look like that from here." The man said, smugly checking how much ammunition he had left. "In fact, it looked like I got here just in time to save you from shitting yourself again."
"Hey, fuck you!" I started fumbling around in my pocket, dropping the few loose arrows I had been holding, but just ignoring them for the time being. My hand finally gripped one of my new business cards. "Take a look at this. I'm certified. I don't need no amateur asshole endangering my life."
"Certified?" He looked carefully at the crumble piece of paper in his hand. "You know you spelt...well pretty much everything wrong, right?"
"Yeah. I'm a zombie hunter, not a fucking...spelling...er...king." I grabbed my card back off him and put it back in my pocket. "In future, stay away from me, or I might just mistake you for a zombie."
"If I'm honest with you," He reached into his own pocket, and pulled out a thin, silver case. "I'm not at all scared." From inside the case he produced a beautifully made business card. It was even shiny in the yellow light cast by the nearby lamppost.
The card identified the man as Mr. K. W. Adams, Paranormal Bounty Hunter and Life Saver.
"A lot of fancy words. Don't mean nothing." I passed him his card back. "Just stay out of my way."
"I'd be delighted if I managed to." And he turned to walk away down the road.
"Stuck-up bastard." I muttered under my breath. "Oooooo look at me, with my laminate cards and fancy guns and shits made of diamond. In fact, I hope his shits are made of diamonds. Bastard."
For some reason I can never explain, I quickly dropped down and picked up one of the arrows that was on the floor, spun towards Adams and threw it as hard as I could.
The arrow caught up with him just as he was about to go around a corner, where a zombie was coming from the other direction. As the zombie reached out to grab him, the arrow missed completely and hit the zombie in the temple. It dropped to the floor, twice as dead as before.
"Bollocks." I breathed, as Adams turned around. Then I noticed how impressed and grateful he looked. "Now, we're even." I called out.
He just gave a slight nod of the head and carried on his way.
Looking around at the street that I had grown up in, I saw that I was surrounded by the dead. And it wasn't just any dead. This was my dead. My friends. My friends' families. My whole childhood environment was now lying in pieces all around me.
"Alright," I said, getting stern again. "That's it...umm...zombie lord. Now it's personal."
I sheathed my small sword and put it back in my pocket, picked up the rest of my arrows, putting them in the protection tin and started walking in the opposite direction to Adams.
"English teacher!" I nearly shouted to myself. "Not spelling king. I should have said English teacher."
---
As I was walking around the village, the zombies were very few and very fair between. They had all seemed to be converging on my road, or maybe it was just the other end of the village, after all, it was downhill. I plodded on, looking for more survivors that I could save.
I had almost given up, when I saw Adams, backing his way towards me from around a corner. Not sure what it was he was moving away from, but it obviously warranted his caution.
Advantage Nath.
I moved back to the corner and pressed my back up against it, hiding in the ever growing shadows. I waited, patiently, as Adams came into view alongside me, still prowling backwards, his eyes glancing all over the road in front of him.
With the speed of a dolphin, I leapt out of the shadows and took a random grab and twist, roughly aiming for his nipple and getting it spot on. He let out a scream, which he tried to hide as surprise, but was clearly pain.
"I warned you, Adams. You should have stayed out of my way."
"What the fuck are you doing? Keep your goddamn hands off my nipples in future."
"You don't want to play?" I tilted my head slightly. "Then get out of my village, boy."
"Boy? I'm at least twenty years older than you. Probably been doing this since before you were born too." It was the first time I'd really paid attention, and he was right. He really was old.
"Goes to show, experience and a fancy business card can't make up for lack of skill."
"At least I've got a business card."
"What?" I nearly spat at him with the t, but decided to be the grown-up in the situation. "So have I." I reached into my pocket and pulled out a few of my business cards in my fist.
"Those aren't business cards. Those aren't even card! They're just shitty paper ones." There was a real malice in his voice.
Suddenly I turned white hot and all I saw was red.
"I've killed zombies for less."
"I'm starting to doubt that. Now if you don't mind," He turned to walk away. "I've got lives to save."
Still fuming, and I grabbed hold of him, pulled him back around and head-butted him hard. This was promptly followed by a knee into his cock and spaniels.
"You shit." He groaned, lying on the road. I put my foot on his back, using all of my weight to pin him down. "Are you really so stupid? Don't you realise who I am?"
"What?"
"I'm you." He said. "I'm you from the future. I got sent back in time to help you."
"When's my birthday?"
"Errrrr....April the 6th?"
"That a question or an answer?"
"Answer."
"Nice try. Now be a good boy, and stay out of my face."
"ZOMBIES!" He suddenly managed to scream. I looked up ahead and he was right, a hoard of them coming towards us. I looked in another direction, which was also pretty much blocked with them, leaving just one clear escape route.
"Come on!" I pulled Adams to his feet and we sprinted down the only clear road. "That's twice I've saved your life." I said as we ran.
"Mothershit." He screamed back. "You saved my life by what? Not pinning me down? You're such a fucking saint."
"You should be more grateful. Here," I said, as we got to the end of the road which split into a T junction. "You want to split up?"
"Good God yes."
---
As Adams and I parted ways, there were no kind words or any at all. We just kept on running. At first there was a bit of confusion as we both turned left, which I couldn't understand as he was on the right side. It would have been easier to just go right and get on with it, but I'll be fucked if I'm going to run up the church approach road at a time like that.
So after a bit of persuading via nipple cripples and thumb war (best two out of three, two nil to me and I only cheated twice), he went down the dark path and I headed towards the less populated area down by the garage.
I needed a better car than mine. One guaranteed not to let me down as I didn't imagine the breakdown service would be running at a time like this.
I needed one that could get me to London.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-02 06:20:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
laminate is for geeks
Submitted by Maestro (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-21 02:02:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would whoop you at thumbwars.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-21 00:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"English teacher!" I nearly shouted to myself. "Not spelling king. I should have said English teacher."
---------
Isn't that always the way? The best comebacks are always exactly 3 minutes late.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-01-30 17:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep it up nath...you devil you...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-30 14:56:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-28 00:37:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am worshipping a false idol. You.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-27 21:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This series rocks.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2006-01-27 21:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome series. Im surprisingly hurt that i haven't appeared as an awesomely tough character though! Or any character for that matter!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:21:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What the fuck are you doing? Keep your goddamn hands off my nipples in future."
If I had a nickel for every time someone said that to me...
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This series rules, if we ever meet I owe you a blow-job.
Or at least the price of a blow-job.
£4.50.
Sounds cheap but does your job pay £18 per hour?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is g-g-gggggrrrrrreat
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woot
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:32:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love you.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-27 09:08:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock. Write more often.
------
was a fun read.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:04:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this series. Come to Ubercon Chicago
Submitted by SamsArmy (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:01:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More beautiful zombie gold.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:00:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NATHBUSTERS!!!
No. Ghostbustnaths! No? Um, w_t_a_y_ghosters!
No. Uhhh....
You?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-27 09:48:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How can I not +2 this?!
Zombies for fuck's sake, ZOMBIES!!!!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-01-27 09:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-27 09:08:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock. Write more often.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-27 09:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Really?
Hey, phuzzy?
Who ya gonna call?
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:57:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the Brit bastard that set fire to our mountain was a zombie.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:56:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The best line is "Don't read the cards...just get the jist of the cards, bitchs."
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:49:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
think of the children here people
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:37:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hells bells. When does the madness end?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would say when I run out of ideas, but I've not had a clue since this thing started
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hells bells. When does the madness end?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:32:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"English teacher!" I nearly shouted to myself. "Not spelling king. I should have said English teacher."
Always too late...
Dude; this rocks, you rock, I rock.
What? I do...
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:07:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fanfuckingtastic.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:56:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
STOP YOU BASTARD!
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:40:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well bugger me backwards, he's done it again.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:38:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Go with the flow with an E and rush me ooh rush me E rush me....etc."
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:25:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:18:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
this was every kind of awesome.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's love
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was every kind of awesome.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:05:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 06:52:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nath - does it ever get tiring being a legend?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only at the orgies, baby. Only at the orgies.
---
That's how the Romans came to a bad end. Feeding people and then making them drown in rose petals. Bewildering death.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 06:52:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nath - does it ever get tiring being a legend?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only at the orgies, baby. Only at the orgies.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-27 06:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har! Brilliant!
You're like Robert Rankin before he got lazy and jaded. I should become a publisher and then make you sign a contract that means you have to write 6 books a year, every year, for 30 years. I'll be rich!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 06:52:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nath - does it ever get tiring being a legend?