Hell exists. I went there with a whore and a famous actor. (1227 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.68 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2006-01-27 13:31:18 EST
You are going to be blown away when you find out who it is. I am not sure you are ready for the A'ness of this man's list. Watch, the Fonz is here also, he'll tell you what level of status this actor has.
"Hey Fonz, what type of listed actor did I go to hell with?"
"Aaaaaaaaay"
Allright Fonz, I have a tale to tell, so you should go soon. But would you mind fixing the jukebox on the way out? Thanks.
Fuck it. I'm referring to Sean Penn. Crazy liberal, Madonna beating, Iraq liberating, genius acting, burnout-voiced Sean Penn. Now, I am not arrogant enough to tell you I'm friends with this guy. He enjoys suey sauce on his flibel cakes, if you know what I mean. And he has a shitload of cats. And Robin Wright Penn morphs into a wolf at night. But she did not accompany us on our journey, and each of us is only told his own story.
Chris Penn and I were very close. The Dave Matthews Band once shit on me, and Chris and I met at a celebrity poker tournament. Dave Foley was hosting. He was fantastic in Newsradio. The two of us were quarreling over an eggo when he had a massive coronary. I never understood why he would not just wait until my eggo was cooked before making his own. Ultimately, that impatience proved to be his undoing.
I met Sean Penn for the first time at the wake. He never spent much time around his brother. He did not like to be seen with fat guys. But I am not overweight, so he felt comfortable approaching me.
"I'm Sean Penn. How much do you weigh?"
"Tinactin. About 175 pounds. You were great in The Falcon and the Snowman."
"Timothy Hutton carried me. Do you like Mexican whores?"
On the ride over to Esperanza's place, Sean regaled me with the legend of the Hispanic prostitute who walked among the dead, and sometimes the old black men who sat around on their porches, drinking all day in Inglewood. Hell was just a New York state of mind, he explained, and his brother's inferiority complex and layers of self-doubt entrenched him firmly in Queens. If we could get this slut to take a ride with us, maybe Sean retrieves his brother, and I finally discover what constitutes a Pittsburgh Platter.
Her motel room reeked of the stench of sex and those disgusting Mexican pastries. Penn was packing heat, and it came out when he kicked the door in.
"Flatbread wont save you now, bitch. If you're holding any genitalia, put it down and come out with your palms facing up."
"Sean Penn, you son of a bitch. I've still got the strap on and the Bush mask. If you want I could get back up into your La Colonia."
"La Colonia", I interjected, "what the fuck is that? You are Mexican. Dont you know the right word?"
"No, you idiot. This story isnt real, and you dont know any Spanish."
It seemed to be a plausible enough explanation, and as it was not central to my plot, I let it pass without further comment. Penn was all business.
"You smell like shit. Take a shower; we're going to hell."
"That will suit me nicely. But first I have to take a vicious dump. Hell hath no fury like a woman's corn."
She ascended upon the restroom and prepared herself for the long trip. Penn attempted to pass the time by engaging me in whacked-out political blather, but this isnt a Loki post, so I'll skip to the part where the whore opened the door and walked out, fresh and clean.
"You guys blew your chance. I would have given each of you a Dirty Sanchez. Now all you're going to get is a clean Sanchez."
<tappity-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap>
"Very amusing, and nice footwork, but we dont have time for bad puns. This post is already running long, and we haven't even been to hell yet."
"Don't worry. Everything seems longer while you're writing it. Besides, you have a propensity for abrupt endings."
She was beginning to get on my nerves. Nothing is more annoying than a tap dancing whore who can predict the future. They're always doing the Ickey shuffle when I'm trying to surprise them with sudden facials.
"We need to be outside for this. It has something to do with the sky."
"Hey, tangerines grow outside!"
"So do paedophiles. Come on, Sean."
We set up in the parking lot. The whore produced chalk of some type, drew a circle around us and began to chant. Then we were hit by a car.
The three of us are now in hell. It's nothing like Queens (well, maybe a little). And I haven't seen Chris Penn anywhere.
User Reviews
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-19 13:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Review, reviews. In any case, it needs more of both of them. May I, of course I will.
Mainly I wanted to review this becuase I have too been struck with AES (Abrupt Ending Syndrome), and while people may despize teh sudden halt in a tale without any real resolution, it always plays as more humorous in my head. No, no, you don't have to applause, this is just for me. It's for me.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-28 08:52:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS NEEDS MORE REVIEW DAMNIT!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-28 08:12:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Posh
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2006-01-28 01:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ole
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-27 18:23:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If ever I find myself in need of the services of a prostitute, she will certainly be a Mexican. Without a doubt. I'm just not sure why.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been busy, you know. I spend most of my time dancing at the Hustler Club.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:31:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:36:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:40:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I always love how when I see the word Tinactin, the word Mexican is not far behind...
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Precisely.
Tincatin, guess what! I haven't talked to you in a long time. And that's sad.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Where have you been? I never see you around anymore.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:18:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate how people say this is "crazy" and "random". You just have to label it that way because you are too fucking stupid to understand that's how Mexican humor is. Have you ever watched their television programs before? You tell me that a half-naked woman gyrating her hips and teaching children how to dance like a stripper isn't hilarious and I'll call you a sheep.
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The man is a true prophet.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT'S RIGHT I CALLED YOU TINCATIN, WHAT OF IT!!!!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:36:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:40:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I always love how when I see the word Tinactin, the word Mexican is not far behind...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Precisely.
Tincatin, guess what! I haven't talked to you in a long time. And that's sad.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate how people say this is "crazy" and "random". You just have to label it that way because you are too fucking stupid to understand that's how Mexican humor is. Have you ever watched their television programs before? You tell me that a half-naked woman gyrating her hips and teaching children how to dance like a stripper isn't hilarious and I'll call you a sheep.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hum?
<scratches head>
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:41:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...the hell?!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:17:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to bring the random.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
crazy.
Submitted by Shifty54 (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the fuck happened here?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a nutcase.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always love how when I see the word Tinactin, the word Mexican is not far behind...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is almost like a CYE episode, only with less Jewish people.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:35:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait a minute.
There's no birthday party here.