The Cardboard Box Adventures - The End (773 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: cardboard_box_Adventures
Rating: 2 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <brdn_nkd.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-01-27 15:53:46 EST
Part 17 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/82667
I fought Ben with everything I had and realized there was no way I was going to win that fight. I split myself while I fought with Ben and when he captured me I was glad I'd had the foresight to split. Ben flipped the captured part me to the mountain and I began to run to the door. I've never tried to cross before but for the first time I've lost and in losing don't have any more to lose. I Promised Ben a surprise and if I can cross I'll enjoy the look on his face as he realizes that even though he won the battles, he will lose the war. I'll go down with him since I am still trapped within and can't expect to live outside but this is already the end for me anyway.
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I flipped Pickle to the top of the mountain wondering what he could possibly do to me now. It's over; he's caught, contained, and harmless now. I grabbed Granddad's hand and we started walking back to the door. I straightened the maze so we would have a straight shot and as everything lined up, I thought I saw movement at the far end of the new hallway. I looked again and didn't see anything there. Dad tells me things like that are "just my imagination" and now I know it to be true but what if it was something more?
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I sat with my son in the cardboard box waiting, watching, and hoping for any kind of change. I know I dozed a few times and certainly had to take care of my bodies needs but how much time actually passed went unnoticed on my part, every minute seemed an eternity.
I got up stretching my sore, stiff legs. I Looked down at Ben and reached out to brush the hair out of his eyes. As my hand brushed his forehead I saw the door again and as my hand left his head it was gone. I sat back down again and grabbed Ben's hand in mine. I saw the door but before I could take that step, or leap, through it I saw the sneering face of Pickle.
Pickle tried to climb through the door. I started to move to push him back when I saw him stopped in his tracks. It looked as though he'd walked into a sliding glass door, his face smooshed up against the invisible barrier and I heard an audible thump. Pickle fell back a step and I could see he was angry. I tried to close the door then but before I could Pickle took a run at the opening and was able to thrust his head and hands through whatever barrier had, seconds ago, repelled him. I looked in horror as Pickle began to twist and turn and push to continue through the door. He was grunting and groaning and it was obvious he was feeling pain as he tried to come into the real world but he was making progress.
I tried to slam the door in his face, to slam his face with the door but Pickle shot an arm through the rest of the way and hit me. I don't think he hit me that hard but it felt as though I'd been stung by a bee. I was so surprised by the pain he caused me that I let go of the door and took a step back. Before I could regain my composure Pickle had thrust his way through and was now standing over my son with hate and malice shining in his eyes.
He grabbed Ben's hair, "You guys thought you were so clever. You thought you had it all figured out. Ben and the old man are probably celebrating, they think I'm trapped in his mind but if I have to pay the price Ben has set for me then I will take from Ben in equal."
Over Pickle's shoulder I saw Ben and Dad walking toward the door, turning my attention back to Pickle I saw what he intended to do had already begun doing. Pickle had closed the door and was using my son's fist like a hammer I rushed at him to stop him but with a sickening crunch I heard my son's hand breaking even as the handle to the door broke. As the handle fell away from the door the outlines of it disappeared leaving only a regular cardboard box.
In a rage I picked Pickle up and threw him against the wall. He hit the wall with a loud crash, but before he even slid to the floor he began to laugh. I nearly killed him then, I ran at him and began hitting him and kicking him, all the while he laughed. Suddenly it struck me. If I had any chance at all of getting my son back I need this foul creature alive. I picked him up and turned him to face me. He spit in my face and kept laughing. His laughing caught in his throat though as Ben groaned in the corner.
"What happened to my hand? Pickle?!"
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Granddad and I took our time while making our way back to the door. I looked around enjoying the scenery. I took granddad by the hand and started bouncing, laughing at the surprise on his face, laughing with him as he was caught up in the fun.
We made our way through the forest and through the leaves I could see the door. Bouncing and laughing, whooping and hollering, granddad and I finished our journey to the clearing where the door had been. Somehow while we made our way, sometime after glancing the door through the leaves, it had disappeared.
I could see where it should be but couldn't open it for some reason. I pushed and tried to pull and in frustration started pounding on it. My granddad reached out and turned me to him. "Ben, think about it. This is yours, just open the door".
So I thought about it, opened the door, watched as granddad stepped back to himself and then stepped through myself, back to the real world, back to immense pain in my hand. "What happened to my hand?" I'd seen dad's feet right next to me and expected him to be able to answer. As I looked up to his face though I saw him holding Pickle. "Pickle?!"
Dad, hearing me, turned and rushed to the door. As he threw Pickle through the door I heard Pickle scream. I closed my eyes and thought of the other world. I saw the other place collapse in my mind, I made it collapse. It exists no longer except in memory.
Dad took me to the hospital and we got my hand fixed up. When we got back to the house Granddad was waiting outside the door looking worried. "I came over so we could talk about this and you were gone. What happened?"
I showed him my hand and told him what happened after he left the other place. While I told my story dad took the box out to the curb and broke it down.
"Quite an adventure Ben." Granddad said to me. "An adventure indeed. I'm glad you're safe and I'm proud of you. Don't ever forget the gift you have though, you fought hard for it and its there for you to use."
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I'm much older now; I've created many other worlds and places in my mind. I've had adventures over and over again and write the best ones down to share with anyone interested to read them. Thank you for reading this one though, it's the most important and it's the reason I can do what I do.
User Reviews
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-12 22:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spectacular series. Loved it all the way through.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-12 03:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:14:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's hoping this isn't the last series you post.
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Yeah. And as I said on a previous installment, anything that glorifies imagination is a good thing.
Overall, brilliant work on this series, and on this post itself.
Submitted by silent1 (user info) at 2006-04-08 16:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was an excellent series.
You really should get it published.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 21:23:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If the only thing that is stopping you from publishing is having someone help you with the editing - I totally volunteer for it.
I'm a born editor. Not so much a writer though. I think the Bangers stole too much of my imagination. But JUST enough is left for me to help others.
Serioulsy. Work at getting this published, and if you're interested in help email me. Crystlesun at either gmail or aol.com
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-03-11 00:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CBA!!!!!
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-02-25 19:15:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read this whole series and really enjoyed it. That said, I expected Pickle's surprise for Ben to be more dastardly than just breaking his hand. I also thought it would be more difficult for Ben to escape after Pickle broke the lock off the door, but I suppose if Ben had full control of his imagination, it wouldn't be that difficult.
I guess I just wanted Pickle's final surprise to cause more trouble for Ben than it did.
Great story though.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-02-03 17:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Listen to me.
Print out this series, rewrite it, edit it and find someone who will publish it. This would be an awesome kids' book and it could totally be a movie.
This is probably one of my most favorite stories, both on and off of Uber. You rock.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-30 13:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks all of you for comments, I do appreciate them. I agree that this was not as good as it could have been, maybe this time I'll get off my ass and actually do a second draft.
Thanks again for reading!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-30 12:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-01-30 12:48:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have liked to see this one a little longer. The ending felt too rushed to me. I could see each part happening in the previous installments, but this one was more choppy. I really liked the way you ended it, though. The concept was amazing and the story overall was just wonderful. My plan is to print this out and see what my son thinks of it.
Thank you for this wonderful adventure.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-01-30 08:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the last was kind of cliché or anticlimactic or something, but the series was excellent. im sad that i dont have this to read anymore.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-29 18:37:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damned excellent.
The one thing I didn't like about this series is that, given you were making up each part as you went along, every part towards the end needed a climax and a hung finish. This, to me, made the series lose momentum a fair bit, in that I expected the final showdown for each of about five parts.
However, it is still one of the best series I have read on here. Probably in the top 2.
This last part reminded me a bit of the end to the Lord of the Rings, when they return to the Shire and find Sharky and everything. Bloody brilliant.
One thing I think would have been cool as well was for Pickle not to have had his face revealed inside the box-world, and then for when he started squeezing through the door he'd become this hideous rotted monster twice Ben's size or something.
This series made me want to have kids so I could read it to them.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-28 17:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll read this when I'm sober.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-28 16:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:09:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
If I had to pick something wrong with this post, I'd say it's possibly a little rushed, but there's no such thing as perfection.
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One of my most favoured series EVAR.
Gonna be sad to see the back of it, but will be awaiting your next adventure with baited breath.
No, that doesn't mean I've been eating maggots.
Well done!
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a really engaging story. There's no substitute for imagination, and the set-up was first rate—you could have taken this story anywhere you wanted. Like others, I felt you were really trying to make the story work on a couple of levels and I guess that's what got me hooked. I've got some comments/criticisms/suggestions that I'll e-mail. The series grabbed a lot of people and pulled them in--you should feel great about that. And, seriously, I hope you'll consider putting it aside for a few weeks and coming back to edit it.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-01-28 03:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cuz I enjoyed this but I'm not gonna critique it till I'm sober.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-28 02:15:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sad this is over, I have enjoyed it immensely.
I agree with whoever said that this felt a little rushed, I had to read it twice to get the full order of things.
Keep writing.
-Dave
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-01-27 20:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great. Another reason why Ubersite is amazing.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2006-01-27 19:42:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bravo. kudos.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice ending. I liked this series.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is like the final episode of Seinfeld.
i love the concept of the final paragraph, tying the author and ben together, i just wish you had made it more thorough...
but overall an absolutely phenominal series, this just was face-meltingly awesome.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe you could have someone read it for you and give you a breakdown and all that and really clean it up. i think it'd make a great children's book in the like 9-10yr old range.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Woody, if I was disciplined enough to do the work to get close to perfection maybe I could publish something. Unfortunately I'm too lazy so you get purely first draft work from me. I totally understand what you're saying but I have yet to overcome that weakness in me when I'm writing. It goes something like this, the first draft is fun to write, I'm engaged and really hearing the story for the first time myself. Re-writes bore me senseless. Do I edit a working copy or write as a seperate docuement? Do I add to the story or just do the clean up it needs and let it stand on it's own? So yeah, it just has never happened for me.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, I'd like to write another too but I know there was quite a gap between my last one and this one.
Thanks again for reading. B
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:14:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's hoping this isn't the last series you post.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great series, thanks for writing.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I had to pick something wrong with this post, I'd say it's possibly a little rushed, but there's no such thing as perfection.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:09:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This whole series was great, to bad it had to end.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:03:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Any criticsim or suggestions you'd like to offer are welcome.
Thanks all for reading and rating.
Submitted by Broken_Bird (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great friggin flick....ahhh i mean series.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good series. Enjoyed 'em.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man.
This is like the final episode of Seinfeld.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd burned that box, just to be safe
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have not rated the others, but this was a very enjoyable series. Sorry to see it end.