Where Did the Time Go? (Carpe Diem) (1030 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.84 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ENV3NOM (View user info) at 2006-01-27 21:50:27 EST
Time is like sewage, sometimes you have to sit back and wonder "where does it all go?" Surely it must go somewhere. (?!) If you were somehow able to capture it would it then be possible to travel back in time?
My high school class' tenth reunion is coming up this year and I can't help but wonder what happened to the last decade of my life. As a legend once said, "and then one day you'll find - ten years have got behind you - no one told you when to run - you missed the starting gun." I remember listening to these lyrics ten years ago, already armed with the knowledge that with each passing year time goes by exponentially faster, and yet the full magnitude of these words could not be absorbed without the actual experience.
This isn't a reality that just hit me; I realized last year when my friends who were a year older than me started mentioning that their reunions would be coming up shortly. (Yes, that's right, despite the years and years of drugs frying and raping my brain of it's capacity to compile and retrieve information, I can still manage to do basic math, which is crucial because I now have a job that depends on it - scary!) So, for the past year I have been agonizing over this, putting my life "under a microscope," so to speak.
I am not at all where I expected to be at this point in my life. When I was 18 I knew without a doubt that I would have long since been a famous musician at this stage in my life. Then, at 19 I moved to the black hole of the music world, Charlotte, NC, and ten years of my life were sucked into a vacuum.
I can't blame it solely on the city, which has been good to me in other aspects, as in recent years I haven't given the quest my all. Suffice it to say, after seven or eight years of auditioning musicians one weekend after another, placing ads and finding the occasional talent, only to find they have a wife and kids, are playing in another band or are just a complete flake in general, my spirit had been broken. (My very first Uber-post was stemmed out of this same frustration)
It is ironic, two of my best friends were people whom I met through the same ad seeking musicians, one of whom inspired my screenname and the other being my drummer, whom I still play with today. Throughout the years he is the one person who has shared my dream, and I think perhaps is more passionate than I am in addition to being more experienced and more skilled. Not only does he share my passion however, he shares my frustration - to the tenth power, and sometimes I think his ridiculous standards and snobbishness towards other musicians have been more a hindrance than helpful over the years.
Here I sit, a much wiser and more proficient musician than I was ten years ago, but still no closer to my goal. Just the other day I realized it has been a full year since we split with our last guitarist. It hadn't hit me until I was burning a live CD of one of our shows for someone and saw the date on the disc. An entire year slipped by just like it was yesterday. It makes for one more unproductive year, and I can't help but think of where we'd be right now if we had been able to resolve our differences, particularly in light of the fact that we are now considering reconciling. It feels like wasted time, and given my upcoming reunion it is a thought that has been looming heavy in my mind.
I am fortunate that while my conscious goals have escaped me, my subconscious has plodded along orchestrating plan "B" and I have several career paths laid out for me. As financially appealing as some of these options may be I am not yet ready to give up. I am seriously considering relocating 2000 miles to give my dream one final push.
Having worked in the mortgage and real estate industry, I've come to the conclusion that CA is out of my price range, but AZ is blowing up and close enough to the scene that it's still possible to network effectively. My friend who is aspiring to get involved in the music industry moved there a month ago to attend the Conservatory for audio engineering. He is passionate about music but has very little talent or knowledge and in a week's time had made more connections just hanging out in AZ than I have in all my time in Charlotte. Bottom line, I feel that I need to go * somewhere * or sometimes I think I might lose my mind.
Over the years I've read numerous books on philosophy, various religious text and a plethora of books on self-help/positive thinking. Combined with my life experience, they have given me the security and confidence to no longer question why things turn out the way they do. I am comfortable with who I am and am confident about the direction I am headed, I just need to follow the path and take the necessary steps to get there. That is not to say that a career as a musician or stardom is necessarily on that path, just that I no longer feel lost. Regardless of what lies ahead of me, I have learned to enjoy the moment, with an inherent knowledge that as long as I continue to do so, everything will be all right. Much like Donnie Darko, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there is so much to look forward to.
There have been times when I've sat back and thought "what happened to the 'good old' days?" I've thought, "what happened to partying 'til 6 am with ten of your best friends? What happened to running around Super K at 4am on some hallucinogenic concoction screaming "holy fucknuts Batman!" or "you can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat!" at the top of your lungs? What happened to grabbing plastic guns from the toy department and running around the store wreaking mayhem; diving behind clothing racks and shooting each other with suction cup darts? What happened to putting on football helmets and shooting each other with super-sized bouncy balls out of high powered slingshots, coming home black and blue but smiling from ear to ear?"
It's unfortunate that not as many people feel the way that I do. Sure, just as many yearn for the days past, but too many focus on that loss and are burdened by the daily grind; the bills, the job, the wife and kids, and inhibit themselves from enjoying the time they do have. These things weigh us down unnecessarily, allowing ourselves to be pre-occupied with them constantly lingering in the back of our minds.
I've endured some tough situations over the years, and despite the times that it seemed the numbers didn't add up I can tell you that not once did my bills go unpaid, not once did I end up on the street and not once did I ask someone to bail me out. For those who are able to believe, relax and 'enjoy the ride,' things have a way of working out. Those who allow themselves to consumed by the pressures of society and daily life and slip into panic mode every time things aren't just the way they expect, however, will swear this is an untruth.
These days I try to focus on having fun. Luckily I've managed to find a job I enjoy and work with a group of people whom I enjoy being around, which makes this easy. I've only recently begun to know many of them outside of work, but I feel blessed to have found such a group of people whom I can work with and party with and don't feel some sort of obligation to act "different" when I return to the office. It is a very relaxed environment, all the time. We kid each other and take blatant stabs at each other and goof off, but everyone is professional enough to know when to crack down and get some work done. I've turned down numerous better paying jobs in recent months because for the time being I've found a happy medium between happiness and $$$. Each day I try harder to focus on enjoying the moment and the people I'm around, and each day I feel happier and more confident that inch by inch I am getting closer to where I ultimately want to be in life.
It is important that I am cognizant of the time that I've lost, where I am and where I'm going at all times, but is more important to realize that what once was lost can always be found.
"What if you could go back in time and take all those hours of pain and darkness and replace them with something better?"
You can, by making the most of today.
- E
User Reviews
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:40:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think if you'd bypassed the self help books you may not be regretting losing as much time as you have...
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sir, speak the truth.
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2006-01-29 21:15:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-29 20:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man this is like a warning for me...I better be careful with how I spend my next 10 - 15 years of my life.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-01-29 18:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm 28. The last ten years were a blur. I think it's because I spent the whole time learning, growing, and changing. Mostly by fucking up.
This hit home.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-29 00:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure, I might be occasionally immature, frequently irresponsible and perpetually intoxicated, but on the plus side, I make a killer steak and baked potato. Mmmmmmm...steakato.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-01-28 23:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If it makes you feel any better you don't come off as being 28.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-01-28 16:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can completely relate to this. I just went to the music store to pick up a new tuner and some replacemnt strings for the guitar, new reeds for the clarinet. I thought by this point in my life I'd be signing autographs or at least getting one-night gigs, but alas, I spent too much time worrying about the bills, school and my long line of pointless relationships and too little time focusing on all the things that truly matter... you know, the ones I take for granted everyday.
I'm still a couple years off from my ten year reunion, but I think about it from time to time, what will I say? How will I explain myself? I think now it's more important than ever to take myself seriously and get down to work on the things I want from life.
Thanks for the post.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-28 14:36:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-28 14:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah. I can't believe that my tenth was this year.
I don't know that I'd want to get that time back.
Yesterday kinda sucked. I rather like looking
toward tomorrow.
Submitted by alamalmithral (user info) at 2006-01-28 10:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Yes, that's right, despite the years and years of drugs frying and raping my brain of it's capacity to compile and retrieve information, I can still manage to do basic math, which is crucial because I now have a job that depends on it"
LMFAO -- raping -- hahaha
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-28 10:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...and so the guy turns and says to me, "I didn't intend to write a drunken emo post, it just sort of happened."
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-28 05:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<mumbles some saying about putting childish things behind you>
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2006-01-28 03:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-01-28 01:29:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Balls to the wall.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-27 22:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha, "Zen sandwich," I like that.
Submitted by belowground (user info) at 2006-01-27 22:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading this post was like eating a Zen sandwich.