A lurker's guide to Übersite (1307 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.07 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Malkavian (View user info) at 2006-01-28 03:20:59 EST
This is my second night of insomnia since I've quit my position as a lurker to join your Astroglide-reeking ranks, folks. Don't look for coincidence, it IS my second post on Über adn if you can do maths (even though it has nothing to do with maths now that I think about it), you might gather that I only post when I suffer insomnia. A question remains: Do YOU care?!? (I know I wouldn't)
----
Like almost every single one of you posters, I've been coming to this site incognito now and then before joining, reading your stories, toughts, theories, etc. This is a decisive time in the life of a Uberer, I guess, because it is in that period of time that you
A) Get to understand what Uber is about (I admit being confused the firt times, weren't you?)
B) Identify what kind of post you like, what posters do you prefer.
C) Identify what kind of post you DO NOT like, what posters do you think of when beating a dead turkey with a baseball bat.
There are many of you who came to my attention as belonging to the C group, without even knowing I existed. It's a taste of "fame" in some sort when people who you never saw, never knew about, who live in a faraway land called Quebec hate you for all sorts of reasons.
This is not about those of you I find awesome, this is about those categories of posters or reviewers that I find boring and/or plain retarded. Indeed, I found out that so much people in here are all mush the same and post about the same thing. They'll probably all review this (I admit - shitty) post with their terrible -2s, so it'll be easy to spot them.
1) Neo-Surrealists: Even though I actually like surrealism in some posts, some people suceeded in making me hate the genre in some of their reviews. Über is all about freedom of speech and rainbows and kittens and everything, but *where* is the speech when someone enlightens us with something like:
Submitted by inbredmoron (user info) at 2006-01-28 01:28:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Two twin donkeys fellating up the river told Micheal to say blueberry!
HUH? WHAT THE FUCK!??!?!? Doesn't mean a fucking thing! You can't event tell if it's positive or not! You can't even tell if it is either someone writing nonsense or having a seizure on the keyboard! What's - the - point?
2) Neandertal wannabes: Those are the funniest. You see them posting about how manly they are. If you'd believe all they say, you'd picture them slapping their bitch because she took too much time getting their beer from the fridge while they ate -insert macho food- in front of some good old-fashioned hockey game.
But the trained Uberer knows better. In fact, be careful youg lurker, because in reality, the Neandertal wannabes are all 5" geeky salesmen in their forties (usually bald with a pen in their shirt's front pocket) trying to escape their castrating pregnant/menopausing wife.
3) Tucker Max aspirants: The name says it all. http://www.tuckermax.com Go read some of these stories and come back on Über afterwards. Anything familiar with some of the posters? You just nailed the Tucker Max aspirants. It's all about making stories up about the exiting life they never had before marrying their castrating menopausing wives.
The Tucker Max aspirants are easily found. They write all this shit about how they fucked those twin sweden models in a Mc Donald's bathroom at 5 AM while totally "shit-housed" even though you just know it's complete bullshit.
4) Maddox aspirants: Those are the one that get on my nerves the most and you might be just like me, apprentice lurker. Haven't you noticed the abundant posts about how feminism should be banned, Emo's should be shot, babies hould be killed, old people should be kicked in the throat and so on? Don't confuse them with Neandertal wannabe's thought, because the Maddox aspirants are way less imaginative than that.
If you want to join them, here's how: pick a Maddox post (I suggest one of those about animal activists), rewrite in a more shitty, less funny way and watch all the +2s pile up on your screen. The downside of it is that you lose more personality each and everytime and finally become convinced that you're the shit and all that stuff is really the fruit of your cunning mind.
5) Combos: Some of them even go as far as to be two, even three of these previous categories at the same time. Look out, lurkers, because come of them are actually only stupid alters.
So if anyone has another category of moron posters to share with us, feel free. I'm starting to get pissed at the poor content of this post.
I understand it's a common thing here to do some random search on Google Image. I don't know why, but when I looked ofr the word "lurker", a lot of ugly people was the result.
Enjoy...
User Reviews
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-19 14:51:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
regardless, one thing is for sure:
emos should be shot.
Submitted by malkavian (user info) at 2006-02-19 14:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I tend to be dyslexic sometimes...so yeah, it's poorly spelled. Thank you for pointing that out, *again*...
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-01-30 19:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're grrrrrrrEAT! at grammar!
And spelling!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-30 18:56:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*Enters the extremely less less less impressive sub-14000 user*
<booming voice>
Y HELO THERE BUTTSECKS!
SHOW US YOUR TEETS
</booming voice>
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2006-01-30 01:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You just nailed the Tucker Max aspirants. It's all about making stories up about the exciting life they never had before marrying their castrating menopausing wives"
Dude that's BOSH. You've got it.
As an Uber lurker, I propose we make 'Tucker Max post' an official term for any post about unbelievable drunkeness and fornication which has been written by an underweight geek who has had one screw in his whole life from a chick he met at D&D.
All in favour, say Aye.
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2006-01-29 22:39:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-29 21:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm tired..and I have no idea why.
Submitted by RenTheUnsightly (user info) at 2006-01-29 18:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hah! I hoped no one would notice my tuckermax influence. Oh well, at least I'm not in the maddox catagory. And none of my posts (or tucker's for that matter) are fiction, they're just pathetic.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-29 13:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-01-28 23:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
So painful I'm even giving you the ne'er-seen -1.
Submitted by Nockane (user info) at 2006-01-28 15:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So will you do all the new lurkers the favor of labeling everyone? You know, so there are no surprises for us them down the road.
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-01-28 15:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I expected more shit hung on you from those that are "in the group" or whatever it is, and at least an instant -2 from Schlongless. So far you've got out of it unscathed my lad!
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-01-28 14:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've got the cage!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-28 08:43:50 (#)
Ranking: 1
Are these alleged 5" geeky salesmen available through retail outlets? I'd like to have one. I could keep him in a hamster cage.
Submitted by malkavian (user info) at 2006-01-28 13:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah I know, it's spelled poorly. I deserve your -2s since I was in no mood to spellcheck at 3 AM (I only post while I am extremely tired but can't sleep). So, there you go.
I didn't know this was done before, I was either not a luker for long enough or not a very good one.
As for awesomeface, you can argue as long as you want, your post was uncreative boring shit. "Transposition of Emos and terrorists"? Yeah, whatever...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-28 12:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You'll do fine here.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was good
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:34:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
atrauuuuuuuuuuu!
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:34:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dont listen to bubba!!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:30:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was shit. Poorly spelled shit.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:27:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This has been done before, but since you're new, you may or may not know that.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inbredmoron (user info) at 2006-01-28 01:28:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Two twin donkeys fellating up the river told Micheal to say blueberry!
---
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
are you the fat lesbian in that picture? the one with the glasses?
on the right?
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:09:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i dont know what the fuck you just said little kid... but you reached out and touched a brotha.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-01-28 10:16:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Much better than the post about your mother.
And if your referring to my terrorist are emo post as a maddox aspirant it was just a juxtoposistion of terrorist and emo's.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-01-28 09:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not gonna comment on this, since I'm only lurking... Oh wait!
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2006-01-28 09:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Enters the extremely less impressive sub-2000 user*
<booming voice>
Um... *ahem*... that is... um...
...keep up the good work.
</booming voice>
*Hurries off-stage, hands stuffed in pockets*
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-28 08:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Are these alleged 5" geeky salesmen available through retail outlets? I'd like to have one. I could keep him in a hamster cage.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-01-28 08:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm-A-Lurker-Too" +2
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-28 07:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*Enters the mythical sub-500 user*
<booming voice>
I hereby grant you probationary status in the Uber-community.
So long as the quality of your work increases to the point where I may recieve a chuckle, you will be granted full rights. And it comes with a free cupcake(1).
</booming voice>
*Exits, firewors go off, doves are released and all that shit*
(1)Cupcake not included.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-01-28 07:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
cock head
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-28 06:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well you certainly got all the newbie lurkers out to support you. Although compared to some people I'm still a nOOb. C'est la vie.
You're getting better. Keep up the progressive work.
Submitted by MEDIQ (user info) at 2006-01-28 06:51:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rockin' Post.
from a fellow lurker turned "Pro"
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-01-28 06:21:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not much point in anyone ever posting again after this.
Submitted by kimberly (user info) at 2006-01-28 05:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
as a lurker, here is a +2
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-28 05:19:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not sure why, but +2
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-01-28 05:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Whetever. I'm done. Bye, Bye lurker friend. I got to tell you, there's nothing better than a good lurk before work.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-28 05:13:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:56:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
You're going to attack my typos? This isn't AOL chat.
----------------------------------------------
No. I was just pointing out the spelling error. Tis all good.
Fuck it. I misspell shit all the time. I'm just busting balls.
Relax.
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-01-28 05:04:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by PoTtY (user info) at 2006-01-28 05:03:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
a/s/l?
.......................................
THAT'S funny.
Submitted by PoTtY (user info) at 2006-01-28 05:03:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a/s/l?
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You're going to attack my typos? This isn't AOL chat.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:48:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:25:37 (#)
Ranking: 1
I have nine, thank you. People are having trouble coutning tonight.
And you're having trouble spelling. What is your point?
Submitted by PoTtY (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lurker pride
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
spellcheck boy!
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:25:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have nine, thank you. People are having trouble coutning tonight.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:11:33 (#)
Ranking: 1
I spend most of my time lurking. Of course, once you've posted, you can't really call yourself a lurker anymore. At best you're an absentee member.
--------------------
Six posts under your belt. You're a lurker. Stop fooling yourself.
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I spend most of my time lurking. Of course, once you've posted, you can't really call yourself a lurker anymore. At best you're an absentee member.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-28 03:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
3) Tucker Max aspirants: The name says it all. http://www.tuckermax.com Go read some of these stories and come back on Über afterwards. Anything familiar with some of the posters? You just nailed the Tucker Max aspirants."
I am hanging out with TM next week. I'll give you an update. We've spoken on the phone a few times and I can't wait to meet him.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2006-01-28 03:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was a whole lot of nothing.
:'-(
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-28 03:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm..
-opinionated
-articulate
-pictures
Yep, it's all there. Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by belowground (user info) at 2006-01-28 03:29:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The downside of it is that you lose more personality each and everytime and finally become convinced that you're the shit and all that stuff is really the fruit of your cunning mind."
+2