When faced with an attack, Certified Zombie Killers often have to improvise. It's pretty much trial and error. (1461 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: zombie
Rating: 2 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-01-30 09:34:16 EST
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82578
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82892
Part 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82945
Part 4: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82996
---
When I made it to the garage, I found it deserted. I had pretty much expected that, but it still made me feel lonely and powerful at the same time. The office was unlocked, so I took the keys from off the one of the hooks that was on the 'finished' rack, so I knew that the car I was stealing was working and then found the car.
It was shit. Very shit. So shit I was contemplating going back to my house and getting my pile of shit car that was made to look incredible by the pile of crap I was facing.
I went back to the office and got another set of keys.
Another pile of shit. What sort of village do I live in? Of course the reason was anyone with a decent car could afford to take it to a decent garage. I swear to God this place still uses leeches.
I returned to the office once more. As I opened the door, two pairs of hands scrambled towards me, clawing at my face over the desk.
"Where the fuck did you come from?" I asked, forgetting that I was about two inches away from death. I reached into my pockets for the arrows that I still had, but went for the wrong one, instead pulling out my last business cards.
"Paper cuts, bitches!" I yelled, swiping the flimsy bits of paper across their faces. If you ever wondered if rotting face flesh can look confused, trust me when I say yes. Yes it can. But I wasn't bothered. I knew that my zombie killer brethren and I could make a zombie killing weapon out of anything.
I soon discovered that anything is worth everything except the paper it's printed on, as it was fucking useless. Frankly I blamed Adams. He probably sent reinforced zombies after me.
As I went to reach into my other pocket for the arrows, one of the zombies grabbed my arm and started to pull me over the desk. Suddenly off balance, I scrambled around on the desk.
THWAK! One of my business cards was stapled to the eye of the attacking zombie.
THWAK THWAK THWAK
I was a maniac with a stapler, sticking the little metal pins into any degrading flesh within reach. When I was comfortable with the fact that they were blinded, I pushed the desk as hard as I could towards them.
Throwing all my considerable weight behind it, the desk slammed into the wall, making a very satisfying squish noise, separating top from bottom with both zombies.
At first this seemed ideal, but as any Certified Zombie Killer will tell you, this wasn't ideal. The top halves began pulling across the desk, still coming towards me.
I picked up the chair that had been behind the desk and threw it. Another satisfying squish as heads and chests burst.
Content with the extended level of deadness, I grabbed the final set of keys from off the rack and went back outside.
"For fuck's sake." I muttered, looking out inside the garage.
---
The commotion inside must have alerted the other zombies in the nearby area, as they had come scrabbling along, hungry for my flesh.
"I'm sure Certified Zombie Killers taste that bit nicer." I said, through clenched teeth. "Well you assholes are never going to find out!"
I reached to my side and grabbed a fairly large, metal toolbox that had been sat open on a pile of tyres. With a swing, I threw the toolbox, intending to scatter tools at incredible speeds into the largest group of zombies, taking them all out.
In mid-air, the flaps to the toolbox swung inwards and closed, just making it one, big, of-course bulk, as it smash through the windscreen of the first crap car I had rejected.
The zombies carried on. The only thing that was left near me was the pile of tyres. I pulled the first one off and rolled it towards the nearest one.
"Die, motherfucker!" I screamed, as the tyre rolled down and bounced off its legs. "I said die!"
I rolled another one, which hit into the first one that was now lying on its side.
"Give me a break!" I yelled. I ran back into the office and had a look around for a weapon I could use. I looked in the corner and my eyes light up. I assume. They definitely got wider and I smiled a bit.
---
"Bring it on!" I charged out of the office, a massive water cooler bottle in my hands. It was seriously heavy, but the handle made it easy to swing around. So I did.
The closest zombie didn't stand a chance as the bottle brought its head clean off. Going with the spin, I carried around and slammed the bottle into the rotting stomach of the next nearest one, sending it across the garage floor and into the pit.
I carried on in this manner, spinning and hitting, until all seven zombies were down and mostly out. The few that survived were unable to get to their feet to quickly, so it was easy to just walk over and cave their heads in with the bottle.
Before I killed each one I made sure to say a tough sounding line, just in case someone was filming.
When I was confident that they were all completely down and out, I found my final chance car. Another piece of shit, but better than the rest.
I started it up and it purred like a kitten. Getting eaten. By a zombie.
"Holy fuck!" I yelled as I realised that was happening in the back seat. I grabbed an arrow and from my pocket and slammed it through the head and kicked zombie to the curb.
I checked the kitten, and it seemed fine, so now I was stuck with a fucking cat to look after. "Hello." I said to it, not an ounce of love in my voice. "I'll give you to Jo. Tell her you're to cheer her up. And you better do, otherwise you don't get fed anything decent. Just leftover kebab meat."
Pulling out of the garage, I turned right towards the main road that would eventually lead to London. As I looked across the field that was facing me, over the junction, I saw hordes of zombies all going towards the same spot.
"Perfect." I said, looking at the kitten, which definitely nodded in agreement. "We're going for it?" The kitten nodded again.
I drove straight over instead of taking the left turn I needed. As a Certified Zombie Killer, I felt it my duty that I should take as many zombies out at every possible opportunity.
We went over the small bank and into the field, shooting across the land, ploughing down any zombies that got in our way. After a few seconds we saw exactly what they were all heading for. In the middle of the field was some sort of massive zombie pile.
It looked like Caligula if George Romero had directed. Just loads of zombies all piling on, like some orgy of the living dead. I sped up a little bit, but the kitten meowed more encouragement, so I slammed my foot down as hard as I can.
There was a massive crunch as we slammed full on into the pile. Dead zombies flew in all directions, as the car slammed into the cow that they had all been piling on and taking chunks out of.
A very pissed off "mooo" was heard as the cow flew through the air a little bit and then slammed down hard on the wet ground, slipping and falling. After banging my head on the steering wheel I could feel blood slipping down my forehead.
I just slumped forwards and saw the kitten in the passenger seat, looking fine, having bounced off its own airbag that was working a lot better than mine.
"Fucking cat..." I muttered as I passed out in the car surrounded by zombies in the middle of nowhere.
User Reviews
Submitted by nerdyjock (user info) at 2006-04-07 00:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Paper cuts, bitches!" and the bit with the kitten.
Genius, Nath. I was afraid that the series was declining until I saw this post. Awesome.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-21 02:11:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That cat is evil.
Take it down.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-21 00:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I started it up and it purred like a kitten. Getting eaten. By a zombie.
-------
Ahahahah!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
killer of all zombie
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-01-31 09:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-31 08:29:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-30 22:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmm, brains.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-30 18:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-01-30 18:24:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-30 16:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to have your baby.
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2006-01-30 14:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Before I killed each one I made sure to say a tough sounding line, just in case someone was filming."
hehe
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-01-30 13:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-30 13:36:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you are soldiering on with this- I quite like it.
Submitted by SamsArmy (user info) at 2006-01-30 13:32:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ZPT can't come soon enough.
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2006-01-30 11:50:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make Shaun of the Dead junkies like myself quite happy.
In the private places.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-30 11:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:52:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
You have to save at least one zombie post for thursday, as it will be ZPT.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That will probably be my finale
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have to save at least one zombie post for thursday, as it will be ZPT.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:24:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oooohh shiiiit you're sooo fucked.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:06:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:04:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking cat. :)
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:00:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto West Ham beating Blackburn +2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:54:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm actually coming to Ubersite looking for the next installment, which is the first time in well over a year I can actually say that.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The 'otherwise deserted nowhere' bit...
Two words, but made a difference. I thought you'd cut more before I checked.
Really doesn't matter. I'm a pedant.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's cool, I see what you mean. I missed out that copy bit. Long story that's very boring, but I get you now
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The ending's the same. Only difference is that I added part numbers at the top
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:42:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:39:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not quite as much pathetic laming out as I like from your zombie-hunting alter ego, but awesome as ever.
Grrr - and count yourself lucky I didn't deduct a point for making me re-rate the repost.
P.S. I preferred the first ending for its extra lunacy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which first ending? You mean the ending of the first part?
-----------
No, the ending of this part before you reposted. Was long-winded and unnecessary, but fits in with this series' style.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:42:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:39:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not quite as much pathetic laming out as I like from your zombie-hunting alter ego, but awesome as ever.
Grrr - and count yourself lucky I didn't deduct a point for making me re-rate the repost.
P.S. I preferred the first ending for its extra lunacy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which first ending? You mean the ending of the first part?
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:42:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never trust the pussy.
Sorry, I'll never do that again.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not quite as much pathetic laming out as I like from your zombie-hunting alter ego, but awesome as ever.
Grrr - and count yourself lucky I didn't deduct a point for making me re-rate the repost.
P.S. I preferred the first ending for its extra lunacy.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:39:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry about repost. Just keeping parts in order, as the titles don't really flow
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:38:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hey?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
umm...