"I'd give my right nut for a quick recovery" or "James and the Giant Testicle" (SFW) (1760 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.84 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <JMattiesMUFC.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-01-30 15:13:06 EST
For quite some time I've lurked here, getting the gist of the way things worked in this "Uberverse". More recently I've registered and reviewed, mostly +2ing zombie posts because, quite frankly, zombies are always the right answer no matter where your journey through life may take you. However, I don't come to you today to write about zombies (saving that for ZPT). I come to you today to write about my right testicle.
You see, I was on the john today contemplating what to post when it came to me. After debating between a prank phone call to Purell I made awhile ago (It's been done, and just last week too I might add), zombies (we've been through this), and "Awkward Ugly-Negro-Baby Theatre featuring Donte Shamaar and No-No", I looked down and saw a vision. That vision was my scrotum. It brought up a chain of events that still effect me to this day...
The following events take place between October of 2004 and January of 2006
Roughly a year and a half ago, I noticed my right testicle was considerably larger than the left, a 3:1 ratio if you need a visual. At the time I thought it strange that this happened seemingly overnight, but attributed it to swelling that was the fault of my girlfriend at the time. She had gotten a little overzealous a few nights before during a lovemaking session and vigorously inhaled my Bag O' Sperm. After wincing and telling her "I appreciate the effort, baby, but right now I'm looking for 'Gentle Suckle' and I'm afraid you're stuck on 'Hoover Hosepipe', Thaaanks." She calmed down, the pain ceased, and I thought nothing of it.
A few weeks passed and my boys were still disproportionate. Then after a few months of this I had figured that it was just normal. It had been a little while since my High School health classes but I did remember something about testicle disproportion being common amongst men, so I left it at that and got on with life.
It was 11 months between the end of my relationship with Hoover McScrotsuck and the start of my relationship with my current girlfriend. During this time I had a few one-offs with girls here and there, including one last romp with Hoover, but not much of a constant sex life to speak of. Due to this, there was not much need to pay attention to my balls, which by this time had become approximately a 5:1 disproportion. Righty could cover the entire surface area of my palm on a hot day, and was much more ovular than a testicle should be. It wasn't painful and I could still fit in all my jeans, so I didn't worry too much.
Once my current relationship started picking up physically, however, my situation was pushed back up to the forefront of my mind. It all culminated one night when she made her move with her hand to pay her first visit to Crotchtown, USA. I payed close attention to where her hand traveled, thinking to myself her every move as it happened, but I wasn't really concerned about her questioning me about the behemoth that lurked below...I wasn't worried about the testicle, either (Har Har peener.)
"Down the navel. Over the happy trail, fingers tracing along the boxer-briefs. So far so good. Going with the right leg route, I see. Works for me. Over the thigh, inner thigh...alright...keep up the good work...ok here we go. You're getting close...that's my right ball, just an inch or so more and you've reached your desti- wait why are you stopping? Your hand isn't moving, please continue to the raging hard-on. If you were nervous you would put your hand on my thigh but it's clearly stopped on my enlarged testicle and I don- SWEET FUCKING CHRIST YOUR TRYING TO JERK IT OFF! Baby NO! That's definitely NOT what you're looking for, I assure you! Please stop rubbing that with all the strength in your body and focus on the OH GOD DAMMIT THAT HURTS! NO MORE PRESSURE ON MY BALL, PLEASE!"
I had to convey this to her somehow, the pain was becoming unbearable as she thought she was giving me a Grade A Dry-Handjob. A horrible thought then struck me. "It was the part of my brain that wasn't screaming in pain gently reminding me "If you tell her she's doing things wrong, she'll never venture past first base again! And if you take her hand off and put it where it should be, she'll freak out and ask you if you're diseased" After careful consideration, the aforementioned mental screaming came out of my mouth as "Ok baby, that's good for now." Crisis averted, for now. I'll deal with this "giant ball thing" in the morning.
The next morning I called my doctor to schedule a physical. A physical and not a ball-examination because I needed one for work anyway and figured it would just bring itself up when the time came. In between that and actually going, I averted disaster by guiding my girlfriends hand until it was safely at it's destination whenever we decided it was time to get funky before she even started investigating on her own. The physical rolled around a few weeks later and it came to the "Turn and cough" segment of the show. Remember the part about "It would just bring itself up?" Well, one look at my groin and my doctor had a look of shock on his face as he stared up at me exclaiming "How long has THIS been going on?" in the same nervous and indignant tone you would use If you found your wife in bed with your best friend after coming home early from work. He was insistent on sending me to a urologist ASAP, as he thought it might be cancer. I had thought about that possibility at first, but I figured that if it in fact was The Big C I would have experienced more pain than I had in my 13 months or so of circus-freakery.
The fact they arranged an appointment with the urologist later that day made me a little nervous. Once I had gone down to his office, taken my pants off, and gotten settled, he came in very casually and proceeded to turn the light off after introducing himself. No explanation as to why, no questions about my condition, he just killed the lights and we were left in this tiny examination room in pitch black. At this point I was starting to regret being naked from the waist down.
"Well..." I thought to myself, "...I suppose I really don't have enough sodomy in my life right now. None, now that I think about it." As I reluctantly prepared to play catcher, the doctor produced a small flashlight and approached The Great Testicles, Greek God of Fertility. Relieved there probably wasn't an ass raping in my immediate future, I was still perplexed nonetheless. My confusion rose exponentially when he took the small flashlight to my under-sac, and shone it on the testicle so that the only thing visible in the room was my humongous nut which was now so illuminated it shone like a Faberge egg made of skin and sperm instead of precious gems and...Russian shit.
My urologist did not leave the flashlight on long enough to cause me to laugh out loud at the site of this, but apparently left it on long enough to determine I did not have cancer.
(Fun Fact of the Day: If you do the same to your testicles, and they illuminate, you don't have cancer. If the light is obscured, you're fucked!)
He turned the light back on and sat down on a stool. Very matter-of-factly he breathed in deep as if to build some great suspense for a bombshell he was about to slam me with and told me:
"Jeremy...you have a sack..."
I immediately looked around at the walls of the room, searching for any medical degrees or urology certifications whatsoever, until he continued on:
"...of fluid around your right testicle called a Hydrocele. What causes this is when valves in your system only function at half capacity. These valves are in your joints, your heart, your lungs, and your scrotum. The problem is that these fluids go in one valve, but then don't come out into the other which causes a buildup and hence, your dissymmetry"
"...Whaaat?!" I said, in my best "I see, Doctor" voice.
"Now we have three options. Option one is surgery. It would consist of slicing open the scrotum, removing the testicle, removing the hydrocele around the testicle, reinserting the testicle, and sewing up the scrotum"
"...What's option two?"
"Option two is putting a syringe in your scrotum and removing the fluid that way. There is a small chance it could return, but we have no way of knowing that until it's been tried. Option three is leaving it be. There is almost no chance the hydrocele will shrink, but there is a chance it will become even larger"
Well Option three was out of the picture, and option one seemed so...intrusive...so I elected to go with the needle to the nutsac option. In the meantime X-Rays were needed, which actually turned out to be an ultrasound. For those of you who have never experienced it, the jelly they use is actually quite warm, and feels great on your sac. The female technician requested I place my penis upward and cover it with a towel while she examined. A little insulted she did not want to be in the presence of Colosso The Thick, I proceeded to try to humor her during the long, awkward silences. My remarks of "I can see the head!" and "Is it a boy or a girl?" while watching the screen did little to make her laugh. Christ, you would think that someone who gels balls and stomachs all day would have a sense of humor.
A few days later and I was back in the urology office with my pants off again next to some imposing needles. Determined to be normally proportioned I sucked it up while the doctor sucked it out. The "It" turned out to be 5 fluid oz of this foamy, yellowy liquid. After my balls were thoroughly drained, I thanked him, dressed, and left.
Ten days afterwards my right hand man had swelled back bigger and more uncomfortable than ever. Knowing I would now need surgery, I broke the news to my girlfriend, only I told a little white lie...
"Oh man they have to cut open your leg? Where?!"
"Umm...upper right outer thigh. Something called a "hydrocele" is wrapped around the muscle. They say it could fuck up soccer for me as I got older and the sooner I took care of it the better."
"Well, I'll be here every day after class to take care of you"
I hadn't counted on her undying love and hospitality getting in the way of my fabrication. I just didn't want to have to say "Guess what, honey? I'm getting my balls sliced open next month!" But figured I would have to soon since there would be a significant lack of scar on my thigh, and probably a rather pronounced scar down the middle of my ballbag.
When I eventually fessed up she had a good laugh about it and told me I should have just been honest in the first place. The surgery took place on January 12th, sucked balls (apologize for the pun), and recovery was quite the bitch. The most Twilighty-Zoneish thing of all though, was the morning after the surgery when I took my pants off to discover a 1'X 8" patch of hair missing....on my outer right thigh. My girlfriend had not been over yet, so it wasn't a practical joke on her part, so I was utterly dumbfounded and still am. Anyone in the medical field know why they would have to shave a part of my leg to operate on my balls? Just the fact it was such a big coincidence left me freaked out by the whole thing.
User Reviews
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-06 07:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, this was great.
Submitted by SamsArmy (user info) at 2006-01-31 11:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:36:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
i wouldve asked the doctor if there was anyway he could induce a hydroscletekfrskgn whatever in my left one too, so i could have huge nads.
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I was actually thinking about it, but decided that smaller balls would accentuate the other crotchal region features. Plus it was getting to the point where I couldn't lay on my stomach anymore.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
they also ultra sound boobs. boobs look like layered granite on the inside.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wouldve asked the doctor if there was anyway he could induce a hydroscletekfrskgn whatever in my left one too, so i could have huge nads.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:08:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I feel your pain. I was in a motorcycle accident where I banged my nut pretty bad and got a hematoma which is a hard blood clot. It's almost a year/maybe two (can't remember) later and I still have it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-31 08:19:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What everyone else already said about shaving around the area of incision for surgery prep.
5 fluid oz?!? Good God that's a lot of nut juice! Almost half a can of soda. No wonder your nutsac was so enlarged.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-01-31 05:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well written.
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-01-31 05:46:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sweet_nothings (user info) at 2006-01-31 05:38:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold
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Gold? Mr T want your gold suckah! I take it from every man I beat up.
Submitted by sweet_nothings (user info) at 2006-01-31 05:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-31 04:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
-Dave
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-31 04:12:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Right, that's it. I'm taking the rest of the day off to go home and play with a tourch.
Submitted by DrBenway0 (user info) at 2006-01-31 01:56:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the flashlight trick, and the usual male denial of any type of illness despite all evidence to the contrary
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-30 21:51:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent post.
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-01-30 21:42:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent post
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-30 21:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very funny. Not the bag slicing itself, of course. And boxer briefs are teh hotness.
Good first post, shows you have balls.
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2006-01-30 21:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-30 20:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There shouldn't be any sort of tubes they'd have to tape to your leg unless you had a urinary catheter or a femoral catheter which shouldn't be necessary for that type of surgery. They want the surgery site and any surrounding areas to be as clean as possible to prevent contamination and infection so they shave and scrub areas around the site as well.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2006-01-30 17:55:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-30 16:58:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent post. I thought I lost a testicle once. See here - http://www.ubersite.com/m/80514
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HAHAHA, everyone has a nut story. (http://www.ubersite.com/m/73948)
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-01-30 17:17:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. As was said before they probably shaved a patch on your leg for taping tubes and such, or they shaved it to assure that no hair would interfere with the surgery.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-01-30 17:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"it shone like a Faberge egg made of skin and sperm instead of precious gems and...Russian shit."
excellent first post
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-30 16:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent post. I thought I lost a testicle once. See here - http://www.ubersite.com/m/80514
Submitted by Byrd (user info) at 2006-01-30 16:42:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was hilarious.
Submitted by SamsArmy (user info) at 2006-01-30 15:40:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-01-30 15:28:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
show us your balls!
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Eh...the stitches are almost gone, and there's not much of a scar from what I can tell.
Oh wait, those things aren't factors in your request, *are* they?
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-01-30 15:28:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
show us your balls!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-30 15:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not terrible.
the lack of hair patch is probably from them taping some kind of tubing there.
is it just me, or has there been an abundance of "female nurses touch my privates then fuck up my balls/peehole" posts as of late?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-30 15:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Gah!
*crosses legs*
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-01-30 15:24:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for anyone who endures ball draining and surgery
+1 for Testicles and Colosso the thick
Great story ,but damn man, that post made my balls nervous and uncomfortable
Submitted by the_cole_guy (user info) at 2006-01-30 15:22:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not bad for a NOOB (sorry, always wanted to call someone a noob).