Why Oscar will never come out to play again (690 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.57 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by captaincrunch00 (View user info) at 2006-01-31 07:20:17 EST
I was sitting there one day at work, minding my own business reading the forums and not doing any real work as always. Hell, I'm at work right now typing this.
The woman in the next office over walks in, she's a small roundish woman with a red shirt which made her look like an apple. One of those candy apples from a fair, the bright red ones that are gargantuan and get red crap up near your eyes when you try to bite them because they are so freakin huge.
"My daughter is home!" She chirped, "You should hang out with her today, she's home for an entire month!"
Now I went to school with this girl, she's definitely cute enough for a roll in the hay. She's a couple years younger than my 23 years, she's very religious (strike 1), she was previously engaged (with a ring and everything! strike 2), she might be what some call a basket case (strike 3), she had huge knockers (yay 1), she was only going to be around a month (yay 2), and I was in a month long slump (embarassment 1).
I'm a smart enough guy, she's only here for a month, she can be insane all she wants as long as she realizes there are no strings attached.
"Yeah, that'd be cool, let me get your phone number" I hear myself say. After scrawling down digits and hearing the same "your handwriting is worse than a first graders" speech she goes on her merry way waddling down the hallway back to her office to snort cocaine or do whatever it is that she does for work.
I pass the rest of the day by opening up the firewall and playing some Isketch. That's no small feat when your boss is in the same office as you. For anyone I played ISketch with; I would just like to say that not every spider drawn is a freakin Camel Spider. There are other species. Yes, I know brown recluse is another species but get your head out of your asses and realize that those two spiders are not the only two in the world. You are allowed to guess "Tarantula" too. I woulda won too, dicks.
Five O'clock rolls around, I head home in my car with terrible thoughts running through my head. If God was around he would have smote me for what I was thinking of doing to one of his devout followers. I get home, run upstairs, give my cat a random severe beating while taking his food away, then pick up the phone and dial.
She answers all excited. "Hey Amanda, I'm home from work, your mom said you wanted to hang out?" I said all suave-like.
"Yeah, I'll be right over!" She said and ended any further attempts I had at conversation by hanging up on me.
How the hell does she know where I live? I moved out of my parents house long ago. How the hell does she recognize my voice when I hadnt talked to her since 7th grade around 10 years ago? (Red flag, abort, abort.) How the hell did she know I was going to call? Her mom was still at work, I booked home, did they freakin plan this out in the morning? (more and more red flags)
There was a knock on the door, I got my ass up to answer it and saw that this girl had matured pretty damn well. She had large breasticles. Nice hooters. Great rack. Large gazungas.
After I spent an eternity picturing her with no shirt on I snapped back to reality and opened the door for her. I invited her in, she took off her shoes, pet my tubby kitty, and made some joke about me feeding him whole cows. Haha, good one, I've never heard that before. Its not my fault he'd rather lay down to eat his food and he sleeps for 23 hours a day. I try to get him to exercise, but he's old and arthritic, so he just sleeps.
Wait, she pet Kitty: I saw her bend over, she had a nice ass, round and firm. And huge tits. Very large boobs. Also she caught me checking out her ass as she bent over, then she decided to bend from her knees. Man those tits are nice.
We go get some dinner and an ice cream cone, I meet one of my friends out at the bar where we got dinner so I point out her large ta-tas when she goes to the bathroom. He noticed because he's not gay. He high-fived me and left the bar.
I double dog dared her to eat her ice cream cone in one bite just because I think watching girls cram large objects in their mouths is funny, but she didn't want to. The bitch never even dared me to do something back. Wow, I really want to touch her boobies.
We head back to my place around 8:30 or so, on the way back she mentions that she has never seen Old School or Super Troopers. I guess I'll have to give her a break because she has really nice boobs.
I pop in Old School and we cuddle on the couch watching the movie. Right around the "I need you more than fuckin ever" part we start making out. We are making out so hard, grinding, ass grabbing and pulling, dry humping on her part, oh god it is great, we're getting pretty naked and those tits are freakin beautiful. I tell her so. She smiles and takes off my pants.
Then my cat jumped on me. He's pretty hefty so I let out a grunt when he landed on my chest. He was hungry. I got up and fed my cat because my cat is way more important than sex (then I locked him in the bathroom).
I walked back out with wood in my boxers, she noticed and giggled. I posed for a second, then walked back to the couch. As I neared she grabbed it and asked what his name was.
"Oscar." I said. "Like the Weiners... You know, Oscar Meyer...?"
Man this girl is dumb; she has no idea. But she definitely has large boobs. I'll give her that.
We're back to making out, I grab a condom and put it on, she has a hand on my dick and is guiding me in when she says "I've got to tell you something."
Now at this point a few things come to mind: She's crazy so she's going to tell me she loves me, she's crazy so she's going to tell me she's pregnant, she's crazy so she's going to tell me to put it in her ass.
"I have herpes." she said.
I never thought a penis could deflate faster than a popped balloon. I was wrong. The only reason Oscar didn't go right up inside my body to keep my balls company was because she was holding him.
"What? You dont want sex anymore?"
No, and I dont think I'll ever get erect again... But your breasticles are nice.
1
User Reviews
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-05-19 20:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
actually, camel spiders arent spiders
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-31 17:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-31 13:20:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
roll, roll, roll in the hay...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-31 16:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-31 15:52:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-31 13:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
roll, roll, roll in the hay...
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-31 12:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cockblocked by teh STD's, nice!
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2006-01-31 11:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I get home, run upstairs, give my cat a random severe beating while taking his food away, then pick up the phone and dial".
This killed me, even though I really like cats.
Submitted by ChurleR (user info) at 2006-01-31 11:09:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lawl.
Submitted by SamsArmy (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's rough, man.
Most of this +2 is for that cartoon, though. Priceless. And what's up with your right foot?
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate cats, despite the fact that my girlfriend has three of 'em. 'S'okay, I lock them in a different room.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
that's just scary.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:30:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This site's got soooooooo many "captains" right now.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-31 08:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You shoulda fucked both her armpits. If you have enough lube its like having 2 extra vaginas thrown in.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-31 07:57:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Herpes. The gift that keeps on giving.
-Dave
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-01-31 07:43:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Crazy foo'!!! She should drink her milk and sort herself out. did n't she read my book - be somebody, or be somebody's foo'?
There's a whole chapter 'bout blowjobs in there.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-31 07:42:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's well unlucky. She can get medication for that, right?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-31 07:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Titfuck.
Obviously.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-31 07:30:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Then my cat jumped on me. He's pretty hefty so I let out a grunt when he landed on my chest. He was hungry. I got up and fed my cat because my cat is way more important than sex (then I locked him in the bathroom).
---
WRONG
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2006-01-31 07:25:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it ironic that I'm about to say...
"Dude, that sucks"