The road to London is paved in blood and zombie flesh (1415 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: zombie
Rating: 1.94 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-01-31 09:02:42 EST
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82578
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82892
Part 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82945
Part 4: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82996
Part 5: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83134
---
"He's waking up!" I heard from somewhere to my side. I was lying on my back, semi-conscious. "Get some water."
Next thing I knew, I had some dribbles of water pouring over my mouth. I opened it best I could and let some of it flow into my mouth. Suddenly my throat and mouth started burning. Sitting bolt upright, I head-butted the vodka bottle that been over my head.
"I just had a fucking strange dream." I said, spitting as much of the burning house vodka out of my mouth. "It was all about zombies."
"Afraid it wasn't a dream, Nath." Said a familiar voice from somewhere in the room. I looked around and realised I was in the local pub. "The zombies are all very much real." Andy walked around from the side of one of the three pillars that were barely holding up the low ceiling.
"I know." I rubbed my head, where a large, painful bump had risen. "I just dreamt about it as well."
I swung my feet to the side off the desk. As I did so I kicked the kitten that I didn't realise was next to me onto the floor. "Fucking cat..." I muttered, getting to my feet.
"What the hell happened?" I asked, shaking Andy's hand, not quite sure why I was doing so.
"We saw you drive out from the garage and crash into that cow." One of the other six people stood around said. "It's lucky we did. They nearly had you."
"I was playing possum." I said, looking for a business card to prove I was a professional, but didn't have any left.
"Then why didn't you wake up before now?" He asked.
"Shut up." I turned back to Andy. "I need a car. And something to tie around my head. Anyone wearing a tie?" I looked around at the people in the pub, but they were all tie-less as well. Scruffy bastards.
"Why?" He took a sip from the drink that was in his hand.
"To look the part. I'm a Certified Zombie Killer. I did have some cards, but they all went."
"No, why do you need a car?"
"I need to get to London." I paused, waiting for gasps of shock. Instead, all I heard was someone mutter dumbass. "You know. London. Capital city. Lots of people, most of who are probably living dead. Belly of the beast. Turd of the tiger. Cats in the cradle."
"What the hell are you on about?"
"I don't know."
"So why are you going to London?" Asked a girl over by the bar, who had poured vodka down my throat.
"I'm glad you asked." I smiled at her, but she didn't seem impressed. "I've got to save Jo."
"Is she in trouble?" Andy asked, sipping from his drink again.
"I assume so. She's my girlfriend and I'm a hero. I've got to have some aim in what I'm doing." I put my hands on my hips to appear heroic. When I realised it looked more camp I put my hands back by my side. "Coming with?"
"Sure." Andy said. This got gasps. The shit.
"Good. Anyone else?" I looked around.
"Why the hell would we go?" The asshole who questioned my possum playing ability asked. "We don't even know the girl."
"She's got a gay flatmate. I think he's single." I looked at the prick. "Would that sway you?"
"Fuck you!" The guy charged across the pub at me.
Now, you may wonder how a Certified Zombie Killer would do against a human opponent. Fucking awesomely, I'll have you know. As the stranger ran at me, I tipped the nearest barstool over and stepped back.
The man tripped over and slammed through the small round table that sat next to the corner of the bar.
"Your momma." I said, as I kicked him solidly in the balls.
He let out a long, loud groan of pain before slumping down in a painful huddle, cupping his sack.
"Any of you lot coming?" I said to the rest. No one seemed keen, and frankly, I can't blame them. After all, they had a safe hold, with plenty of food and drink. And toilets. They would be fine, even without a CZK on hand. Not as fine, but still fine.
---
After searching the house upstairs of the pub, I found a computer and made a few more business cards up, making a few adjustments, like fixing the spelling errors and changing the word killer to hunter, which sounded cooler.
I also managed to find a clean, black tie, which I wrapped hard around my head and tied tight.
Very kindly, Sharon, who was the girl who tried to give me alcohol poisoning, gave us her car keys and car, which was parked outside the pub. We packed a bit of food and drink, some blankets and a few things for the cat, and then looked outside.
The way was clear, most of the zombies out of sight.
"Go!" I yelled, charging at the door, stopping to unlock it, pull it open, unlocking the second door, pull that one open and then run across the car park again.
"This one, dickhead." Andy shouted. I turned to see him stood against a different car. I pressed the button on the keyring and the car next to Andy unlocked.
"Bastard..." I muttered, running back to that car and diving into the drivers seat, starting the engine up and pulling out of the car park.
On the way I smashed through two zombies who were on the side of the road.
"You got the cat?" I asked Andy.
"Yeah. It's on the backseat."
"Why the fuck did we bring the cat?" I asked him, the realisation suddenly hitting me.
"I don't know. Mascot?" He suggested.
"Yeah I guess." I said. "We're the Kittens?"
"Go Kittens!" We shouted together.
---
"Where the hell are you going?" Andy asked me, as we drove in what seemed to be the wrong direction.
"This is the only way I know to Jo's avoiding the congestion charge." I said, going North West.
"Do you really think they'll stick to the congestion charging today?"
"Why wouldn't they? That is exactly the sort of assumption that is costing people thousands of pounds a year."
A little while later we were driving down the motorway, I checked the fuel gauge, which was approaching the red.
"We need to stop." I said.
As we approached the next service station, Andy and I formed a plan to refuel, as it would take two of us. One to fill the car up, the other to authorise the pump inside the station. Andy would jump out and sprint inside, authorise it and grab as much food and drink as he could, and anything else that might seem useful while I would fill the car up.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Andy asked, as I lit up a cigarette.
"All the tough guys in films smoke while they use petrol pumps. It's the way things are done by professional tough guys." I said, nearly skidding off the road as I struggled to put my lighter back into my pocket.
---
The plan went almost completely to plan. It started off perfectly. Andy ran inside and authorised the pump a second after I lifted the handle. I pumped the petrol into the car as quick as it would go, while Andy filled up a basket in each hand and charged back out and dropped it into the car.
"Holy shit..." I heard him say, looking over towards the building which housed all the take-aways and break stops. I turned to see hundreds of zombies slumping towards us. "What we going to do?" He asked me.
"Burn the fuckers." I said. "Go back inside and authorise the other pump." I lifted another handle and waited for it to be authorised for pumping inside.
When he came back out, he got into the car and pulled it away from the station, out onto the slip road that lead back onto the motorway.
I squeezed both pumps and let the floor flood with petrol. By now the closest zombies were about twenty feet away, but the puddle of fuel was on its way towards meeting them.
Holding my nerve, I waited until the puddle was about halfway through the group of zombies, and then I muttered "Burn in hell, fuckers," before flicking my cigarette into the puddle of petrol, and then turned to sprint.
I got about thirty feet away before I realised nothing had happened. I turned back and moved closer to have a look. I saw my extinguished cigarette lying in the puddle of petrol.
"Fuck." I reached into my pocket and pulled out an arrow and ran over to the edge of the puddle again and ripped a sleeve off my shirt. I dipped the shirt sleeve in petrol and wrapped it around the arrow shaft and lit it with my lighter.
The arrow nearly exploded into flame. "Jesus!" I yelled, dropping the arrow into the puddle, setting it on fire. "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!" I screamed turning and sprinting as fast as I could.
Good boy Andy had already sensed something was amiss and had started the car up. I sprinted towards it, yelling him to go and I dived onto the roof of the car, gripping onto the sunroof as he shot away.
"Thank God for straight motorways." I said to myself, assuming that God was responsible for them. Moments after we left the service station, the petrol station exploded. I could feel the heat, despite the rushing wind and could see the flames out the corner of my eye.
It was huge.
I was proud.
That was another thing to take off my list before I die.
When we were well and truly safe, Andy pulled over and I got into the car, taking over the driving, as he didn't have a clue where to go.
In the backseat the kitten was fast asleep.
"Go Kittens!" We shouted, as we got closer to London.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-02 06:37:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
go kittens!
haha the brit part of uber is dead today thanks to a small flurry of snow. this country is pathetic
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-21 02:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Go Kittens!" We shouted together.
-----
I am pulling SO many inside jokes from this for mine...
And I might go to a 1st person style. It reads better.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-21 00:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALRIGHT!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:25:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-23 09:15:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes very awesome on a stick
NEEDS MORE KITTENS
--I don't really mean that--
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-02 10:43:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
another thing to take off your list haha. awesome on a stick.
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2006-02-01 10:34:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this series makes me wish my reviews counted so i could +2 them for real
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2006-02-01 08:13:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-01-31 16:32:25 (#)
Ranking: 1
"I know." I rubbed my head, where a large, painful bump had risen. "I just dreamt about it as well."
BWAA! HA ha ha huuuhhh...
HEY! WHO THE FUCK FAILED TO +2 THIS?!?
---------------------
You.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-31 20:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was huge.
I was proud.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-31 19:56:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kittens.
YES.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-01-31 17:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stupid zombie faces. Nath you truly are an awesome face.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-31 16:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-01-31 16:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I know." I rubbed my head, where a large, painful bump had risen. "I just dreamt about it as well."
BWAA! HA ha ha huuuhhh...
HEY! WHO THE FUCK FAILED TO +2 THIS?!?
Submitted by Broken_Bird (user info) at 2006-01-31 12:45:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for the Go Kittens! part
Submitted by madddonkey255 (user info) at 2006-01-31 12:00:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great
Submitted by SamsArmy (user info) at 2006-01-31 11:02:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Kittens! (high five)
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever. I bet the kitten survives to the end... or becomes a super zombie kitten at a very heartbreaking and timely moment in the story.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:26:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to add my doubts about the whole Kittens thing.
Perhaps you can redeem yourself by killing it off in the next episode...
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:08:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The fact that you take time to print off buisness cards really cracks my ass up. I look forward to these.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-31 09:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I Hhope someone falls in love with a zombie-whore.
that'd be great
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-01-31 09:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-31 09:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've changed my mind, Mr T is shit and repetitive.
This is good though, bit short.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-31 09:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kittens? You're lucky this is not a +1 DAMMIT!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-31 09:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, `no attitude,' eh? Not `in your face,' huh? Well, you can cram it
with walnuts, ugly!
-- Homer Simpson
The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-31 09:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Nath, don't you know that zombies conserve fuel? They just wanted to ask you not to top off your tank!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-31 09:13:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5 coz of the Kittens.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-31 09:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Kittens? Hmmm
Otherwise canny.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-31 09:09:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so awesome.
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-01-31 09:05:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn Zombie Jibba Jabba. I'm gonna get Hannibal to read this to me tonight when I've had my milk.