Shitting down the throats of German women is big business these days (1410 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.5 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ozzy (View user info) at 2006-01-31 09:57:24 EST
We've all been there. A night on the sauce leaves you with a ravishing hunger on the trip home. You stumble into the local kebab shop, wolf down the greasy goodness and head for home. Pour a gallon of water down the hatch and crawl into bed.
Inevitably, this turns into a morning spent on the porcelain throne straining and squeezing. Not that you have to strain too hard, for the After Grog Bog flows from your sphincter like soft serve ice cream on a hot day. It may even have that same lovely swirling pattern, like Mr Whippy, but strangely with added pieces of corn and peanuts.
All that aside, I have reason to believe the AGB is the solution to the world's energy problems. How you may ask? Well I'm about to reveal all.
I have found that after a night out consuming a squillion pints of Guinness, the AGB takes on a revoltingly pungent, rotten-eggs-and-methane aroma, which would no doubt be highly flammable gas.
The recent oil refinery explosion in north London? AGB deposited by a smoker.
In addition, the jet black turds at the bottom of the bowl are of a remarkably similar atomic make up to nuggets of coal.
I swear, every Sunday morning for the last month I've had various Japanese politicians on the phone offering fuel production contracts, or asking to come around with their expensive sports cars. "Shit in fuel tank ronce." they say. "Nobody erse have stuff this high octane."
I would have liked to help out, but I have an exclusivity contract with the kind folks at rotten.com. Shitting down the throats of German women is big business these days.
Anyway, after politely refusing the generous offer by the Japanese, I got on with life; things seemed to be back to normal.
Until a few unusual little things started happening. At first it was little things. I noticed my cell phone making weird sounds while I was speaking. I came home one day to find my back door unlocked and my fridge bare.
But when I noticed someone had put cling film over my toilet bowl, I scratched my head and wondered what the fuck was going on. I examined the cling film more closely, and found a conspicuous Renault symbol.
"Eureka!" I exclaimed. "Now I'll find out who's behind these recent shenanigans." I immediately called Renault's head office, and told the receptionist what I'd found on my toilet.
"Oh, so you are the one?!" she cooed in a beautiful French accent. "I'll transfer you to Fernando right away."
The next voice I heard was that of a Spanish man.
"Fernando Alonso speaking."
"Hi...... yeah um.......Someone from Renault put cling film on my toilet bowl. Ha fucking ha, and all that, but and I'm trying to figure out why."
"That was me." Fernando said.
"Why would you do that, you bull humping slore?" I fumed. "I'm coming down there right now and you and I are gonna sort this thing out, man to man."
"Please calm yourself. No one is supposed to know this, but your faecal matter was the reason Renault won the world title this year. We would like to offer you a lifetime supply of Guinness and put you on our payroll."
"A lifetime supply of Guinness? My, that is a good offer. I think I'll accept."
"Well we thought you might. Come down to Spain as soon as you can. We've got a lot of testing to do."
There you have it. I am the reason Renault won the Formula 1 world title last year. Guinness-induced choco nuggets are the answer to the worlds energy problems.
Oh, and if Renault have a string of engine failures mid season, you'll know why: I'd have been mixing spoonfuls of sugar into my pints.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-02-01 05:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After Grog Bog flows from your sphincter like soft serve ice cream on a hot day.
you wont the +2 right there.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-31 12:18:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-31 11:18:58 (#)
Ranking: 1
strawberries are difficult to penetrate because of their small size, but if you make them into a jam or jelly, THAT is a highly desirable fruit product for the fucking.
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Me thinks this review was meant for another post.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-31 12:04:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go go Gadget poo.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-31 11:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha.
i sure wish i could have some diahrrea into my gas tank instead of pouring cash
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-31 11:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
strawberries are difficult to penetrate because of their small size, but if you make them into a jam or jelly, THAT is a highly desirable fruit product for the fucking.
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I could tell you some stories. Mainly about that fool Hannibal. He loved those hairy scary Kraut women.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:46:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
good but you give a very bad name to rotten.com with the shiezer porn thing.
aside from the pictures, they have a HUGE library of unbiased articles on world events and such that are just about as morbid and shocking as the pictures are.
educate yourself: www.rotten.com/library/
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:31:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:23:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:21:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought linking my post and calling it a parody was a clever way to bust my chops.
I actually thought it was funnier than this post.
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Why the +2 here then??????
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Oh this still cracked me up, I just thought it was awesome you linked the original and called it the parody, implying that it was that bad
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Ah, now I'm with you indoninja. I'm having a (yet another) slow day.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:23:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:21:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought linking my post and calling it a parody was a clever way to bust my chops.
I actually thought it was funnier than this post.
--------------------------
Why the +2 here then??????
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Oh this still cracked me up, I just thought it was awesome you linked the original and called it the parody, implying that it was that bad.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I don't enjoy this sort of thing.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:24:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You helped the French?
I always have two waves. The first is more liquid, the latter more strainy.
Urgh
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:21:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought linking my post and calling it a parody was a clever way to bust my chops.
I actually thought it was funnier than this post.
--------------------------
Why the +2 here then??????
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:21:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought linking my post and calling it a parody was a clever way to bust my chops.
I actually thought it was funnier than this post.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My AGB just might be more potent. Think you can put a good word in for me?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You just might be onto something here. Have your people call my people, we'll set something up for next Tuesday.