If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris. (5368 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.4 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (View user info) at 2006-02-01 09:01:31 EST
For those of you who don't know, Jack Bauer is the lead character in the TV show '24'. Here are some true facts about him. These are all over the internet.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
Jack Bauer does not pull out. The girl must know when to push away or else its her problem.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body... because he's broken every one.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.
User Reviews
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-10-11 08:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment Needed.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-07-19 15:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome....
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-18 18:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how did i miss this?
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-06 13:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-02-01 12:01:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
yes, they are all over the internet.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-06 13:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i dont know if this was in your list or not but...
If everybody on 24 listened to Jack Bauer, it would be called 12.
i cant believe president logan. what a weasal!
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2006-04-06 13:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2006-02-01 16:59:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of these were funny, but "When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out" cracked my up. Just picturing Kiefer jumping out of a can into a pose like the one in that picture, oh man that was funny. I need to go to bed.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-30 07:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hehe
Submitted by Amorphous (user info) at 2006-02-16 13:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tantouse means faggot.
Which is what you are OOOOH SNAP
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-02-13 23:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey if you start another fantasy league I'll be in it.
I always enjoy beating you.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-01 19:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
=====================
I don't care if these are from elsewhere.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-02-01 19:35:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the day nigga bob has a negative rating is the day i say fuck you ubersite.
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-02-01 17:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-02-01 17:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Done to the logical outcome of a Jack Bauer confrontation.
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2006-02-01 16:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of these were funny, but "When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out" cracked my up. Just picturing Kiefer jumping out of a can into a pose like the one in that picture, oh man that was funny. I need to go to bed.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2006-02-01 16:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas."
They are all really good, but especially that one.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2006-02-01 14:53:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genious. If you didn't +2 this, you didn't read it and Jack is going to kick your ass.
Submitted by SammySnyders (user info) at 2006-02-01 13:59:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
First of all negative bob auto 2
second of all those things ripped me off I was doing that fact thing 2 years before this bull came out
http://captainfoamy.com/rodney.html
beat me at my own game, with the addiction of a bit of random generation and top 30 technology
Fuck
Those facts you are reading could have been Rodney King
auto bob -2
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2006-02-01 13:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I hadn't seen it. Thank you, Bob, for showing me.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-01 12:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/ultimate+showdown/
Submitted by Kraven (user info) at 2006-02-01 12:22:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 For having to hear about Chuck Norris again.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-02-01 12:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
yes, they are all over the internet.
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2006-02-01 11:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-02-01 10:48:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-02-01 10:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Jack Bauer? I'll throw that foo' so far, when he wake up, his clothes will be out of fashion! And his gun!
I be pitying that foo'
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-02-01 10:31:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:13:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack Bauer is a vagina. Sydney Bristow kicks way more ass.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:51:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You don't deserve the point, but it made me smile.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:44:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:31:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
hey hum
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:26:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Ooooooooooooooold.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like these.
Submitted by monkey11 (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:21:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
only the names have been changed to protect the ignorant..........
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:20:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I think I got this in an email from my 15 year old cousin.
Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris aren't fit to eat the peanuts out of Bill Braskies shit.
Submitted by DarkDante (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ghey
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Paste it into Word.
Search: Jack Bauer
Replace with: Bart Cilfone
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:15:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
someone should do one of these about bart.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:14:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But here's a +2 because this was funny
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack Bauer is a vagina. Sydney Bristow kicks way more ass.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i chuckled.
Submitted by DeadHorse (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
HomoNerdDipshit.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
heh.
I didnt know it was done before. I don't give a fuck either. I think it's funny.
Submitted by the_cole_guy (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80898
Just for the picture.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These were good, but this is where the +2 comes from:
Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503."
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The few I read were great.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Come on, this is getting stupid....
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Seen it before on Uber. But I have a man crush on Bob and lets face it, this is funny. So +1.