Kaptain Kitten and the Kittens might sound gay, but you can't argue with results (1436 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: zombie
Rating: 2 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-02-02 07:05:11 EST
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82578
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82892
Part 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82945
Part 4: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82996
Part 5: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83134
Part 6: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83196
---
The rest of the journey into London was uneventful. Unless you count a thumb-war break on the hard shoulder and the closest game of paper, scissors, stone imaginable, with no-one getting more than one game ahead.
In the end the kitten won with paper.
Fucking cat.
Every once in a while, when the trees lining the motorway would break, a few zombies would be seen drifting around the fields, uninterested in the car that was speeding down the road.
Slowly the surroundings built up more and more as we got closer to the city, until, pretty soon, not a bit of nature was in sight. Just brick, steel and glass on all sides.
Cars were scattered around the streets and roads in absolute chaos, but still no sign of life or afterlife. Eventually we got to a point where cars were blocking the road, making it impassable, even for the small car we were in.
"What do you want to do?" Andy asked, looking around cautiously at the shadows between the buildings.
"I guess we have to walk." I reached onto the backseat and picked up the kitten, putting it on Andy's lap. "You take the cat, I'll carry the kit."
"How do you work that one out?" Andy nearly yelped. "What if we come across a fit as fuck damsel in distress and I have to save her ass with this ball of crap in my hands? How's that going to look?"
"Sensitive, yet tough. Just what bitches dig." I pulled through the two bags that we had brought and filled them with as much stuff from the backseat as I could.
"Since when do you talk like that?"
"Since I got my new job." I pulled out one of my new business cards and dropped it on his lap, next to the kitten, who looked deep in concentration.
"You do realise that you aren't actually certified?" Andy nearly spat at me, clearly jealous of my professional status.
"Yes I am. I just haven't had time to make the certificate up yet. Business cards took up a lot of my time." I pulled the keys out of the ignition and opened my door. "Come on. We got a long way to go."
"Where abouts is she?" Andy asked, 'she' being my girlfriend who we were on our way to save. At least I was. I think Andy just wanted to get away from the pub full of wannabe Certified Zombie Hunters.
"Other side of London."
Andy climbed out of the car, lifting the cat as he did.
"Oh for fuck's sake." He moaned. "You knew it was going to do that, didn't you?"
I looked over to him. On his lap where the kitten had been sat was now a large damp patch. I tried to stifle a laugh, but it was still obvious.
"This shit ain't funny." He said, putting the kitten down on the roof of the car.
"Sure it is. You're just negative."
"Holy shit, it stinks!" He screamed at the kitten, who didn't look at all bothered and continued to lick its paw.
"Don't blame Kaptain Kitten."
"What the fuck is Captain Kitten?" He wiped at the drying cat piss with his sleeve, just managing to spread it over more of his sweatshirt instead. "FUCK!"
"I figure as we're the Kittens, and he's our mascot, he needs a name. Hence, Kaptain Kitten. Kaptain with a K." I threw the two bags over my back and started walking. "Come on. And don't forget the Kaptain."
"Of the two of us, I find it impossible to believe that you have a girlfriend." He grabbed the cat and started walking after me.
"I'm not the one covered in cat piss. I hear that's a big turn off for the ladies."
---
We walked for a dull two hours, through unfamiliar streets of the outskirts of London, edging closer towards the centre. By now morning was in full flow and the sun was out, fighting the cold on our behalf, and sadly losing.
I was beginning to get jealous of Andy, having the warm cat piss on him. He didn't appreciate being told.
The dead were nowhere to be seen, but nor were the living, leaving the city eerie and lonely. Traffic was still all over all the roads, leaving it hard to tell if it was just a rush and people were desperate to escape or if it had all just simple happened too quickly for anyone to do anything.
"You want to stop for a break?" I asked Andy, as we came across a double-decker bus that was parked across the road, blocking any traffic in both directions.
Climbing inside the open door, we cautiously moved up to the top deck.
"Do you think Dave parked it like this?" Andy joked.
The bus was a tour one, with an open top, making it even colder up there than it was outside. The only relief was the sides keeping most of the lower body warm. When we crashed down in the seats, Andy let go of Kaptain Kitten and he went off exploring while the two of us rested up.
---
Enjoying the rest fair more than I should, I was woken from a half sleep by a soft meow from halfway down the bus. Looking across, trying to shake the groggy from my head, I saw Kaptain Kitten looking over the side of the bus, in the direction we were heading.
Sitting up and walking over, I followed his gaze and saw hoards of zombies moving towards us over the bridge. More than I had ever seen in one group. There must have been at least fifty, probably more, all decaying in different ways and places.
"Andy!" I called, waking him up at the front of the bus. "We got company!"
"Just so long as it don't piss on me, it's welcome to join us." And he rolled over and fell asleep.
"It's more likely to eat your flesh and dry fuck you." I shouted. "We got zombies. Dozens of them. And they seem to know we're here."
This woke him up in an instant, as he jolted up and ran to join Kaptain Kitten and me. "Holy fuck..." He muttered, not quite under his breath. "What we going to do?"
"I'm a hunter. A zombie hunter. A certified zombie hunter." I passed him another card that he ignored. "There's only one thing I can do." I went over to my bag and pulled out the short sword that I still had on me. "I have to hunt them down and kill them."
"Dude, you don't stand a chance."
"Sure I do. Look." I passed him another card. This time he slapped it out of my hand.
"What the hell am I suppose to do?"
"Look after the cat and see if you can get this bus moving." I said, scanning the bridge. "There's no traffic on that side. If we can get this bus moving, we can probably take it all the way to Jo's uninterrupted."
"What the hell do I know about driving a bus?"
"I'm sure you'll learn. Go Kittens!" I yelled, jumping over the edge of the bus, but deciding against it at the last minute and hanging onto the edge and slamming into the side of it. The sword that was resting in my belt poked into my leg. "Actually, dude, can you pull me up and I'll take the stairs."
"Too late!" He shouted, already halfway down the stairs. I tried to lift myself back up, but struggled. The sword dug a bit deeper into me as the bus roared to life.
"Bastard." I muttered. Next to my hand, Kaptain Kitten looked down at me, a bit puzzled. "Fuck off, cat." I muttered. It just meowed in response. Suddenly the bus lurched forwards, and I shook around on the side, the sword digging in deeper. "Why the fuck did I unsheathe the fucking thing?" I asked Kaptain Kitten, who just ignored me.
Struggling to hold on, as Andy clumsily moved the bus backwards and then around again, in what seemed like a twelve point turn, I strained my neck around, seeing that the zombies were about twenty feet away now.
With a hard turn, the bus spun around and then straightened out, too far, turned back again, too far again and back and fro, weaving its way towards the attacking undead.
Andy ploughed the bus into the first few, while I hung onto the edge of the bus for as long as I could. Then, with a sharp turn right, I couldn't hold on any longer and dropped to the ground, rolling with the fall, I slide into a few zombies, knocking out their legs.
The bus carried on weaving like a drunk snake, until it turned too far too fast and tipped over on its side, sliding through a few more of the zombies.
Stumbling to my feet, I saw that there were three zombies still standing nearby who had started to come towards me. I pulled the sword out of my belt and then pulled on the handle to unsheathe it.
It didn't budge. I pulled harder. It still didn't budge. With an extra hard strain, the sheath slipped out of my hand and swung around, flying off the blade and catching a zombie square in the forehead.
There was a slight squish as the butt of the sheathe dug into its skull. A small bit of white drool slide from its mouth before it dropped to its knees and then flat on its front.
"One down, motherfuckers." I said, turning to the other two. I swung the blade, which looked fair less impressive than if the blade had been more than a foot long, and sliced at the nearest one, darting back again as quickly as I could.
The impact of the blade knocked it over slightly, and it stumbled into the path of the other one, who tripped over it. I looked at the short blade, which was still clean of blood.
I knew I should have sharpened the blade.
But regardless, I had taken down all three.
Looking over at the fallen bus a long way down the road, I saw Andy struggling to pull himself out of the driving seat. It was already surrounded by zombies, were reaching up to pull him down.
Sprinting down towards him, I was too late, as one managed to reach him and pull him down into the middle of them all. Not giving up on my CZH apprentice, I carried on running, shoulder barging any of the slower zombies that got in my way.
When I got closer I saw that the zombies had turned away and were giving Andy a wide berth. As he staggered out of the middle, he formed a passageway down to him, knocking down as many more of the large group as I could.
"They went for me, but gave up!" He panted, as we ran towards the bus again. "What's wrong with me?"
He sounded almost upset. Dipshit should be happy. "I don't know, dude. Come on." Running around the bus, the zombies still scrabbled for me, but left Andy well alone.
We carried on running down the road on the other side, dodging the zombies as best we could, when something hit.
"Kaptain Kitten." I said, skidding in my tracks too quickly and falling over. "We need to go back for him."
"We can't." Andy said. "Look." I turned to the bus, which was surrounded by zombies.
"We need him." I said. "He saved your life."
"How the hell do you work that one out?"
"Look at him." We both looked down towards the bus, were Kaptain Kitten was sat on the side, having just taken a monstrous piss down the side. The zombies were going nowhere near the bus. "His piss. They hate his piss."
"What?" Andy looked at me in dismay. "That's ridiculous."
"Maybe." I said, already charging towards the bus. "But it saved your life. Give me your sweatshirt and I'll go back. You go find a car that'll work."
Andy whipped his sweatshirt off, leaving him in just a t-shirt in the cold London air and passed it to me, before running off to find a car.
I carried on running, sweatshirt in hand, which was still stinking. Whenever a zombie got too close to me, I swung it in their direction, quickly turning them away, stabbing any others with the end of my sword in the face if they got too close and I was unable to swing the sweater at them.
When I was close enough, Kaptain Kitten dived off the top of the bus. Reaching out, I caught him inside the sweater and turned to run away again.
On the way back across the bridge, the zombies seemed braver and more hostile. And to make matters worse, with Kaptain Kitten wrapped up in the sweater; I was unable to swing it around.
Well that's a lie. I could have still swung it, but I had just started like the cat.
Coming towards us up the road was a large, white, transit delivery van. The cat and I jumped into the passenger seat and we were away.
I panted for breath, while the cat just settled down and fell asleep.
We carried on towards the university housing where Jo would hopefully still be, safe and sound.
---
As we pulled up at the end of the road, where Jo's housing block was, the street was swamped with zombies. As many, if not more than there had been on the bridge.
"What do you want to do?" Andy asked.
"I have to go for it." I said, studying the building, checking that no entrances were open so no zombies had leaked in. "If you don't want to, don't feel like you have to. You can take the van and go."
"Go Kittens." He said.
"Go Kittens." I smiled back.
"Meow." Kaptain Kitten said, from his spot on the dashboard.
"Where the fuck is he going?" Andy asked, as Kaptain Kitten stood up and jumped out of the window.
"At least we don't have to be the Kittens anymore." I said, watching Kaptain Kitten disappear in a different direction. "Maybe we could get a dragon or a dinosaur next. Have a cool team name?"
"Sounds good."
The van flew forwards, slamming into as many zombies as we could in the first wave. Blood, guts and viscera splattered the windscreen, as we hit a 180 turn and drove into them in the other direction.
More insides splashed against the windscreen, blocking more of the vision. On the third sweep across, vision was blocked too much, and the van crashed into the cars that were parked at the far end.
Andy and I piled out of the ruined van, and turned to face the zombies. We were cornered and surrounded by more and more, as others had come to join the party, drawn their by the noise.
They pressed in closer, blocking our options.
"Meow." We both turned to see Kaptain Kitten stood on a wall a little bit away.
"Kaptain!" I shouted, raising a fist in the air, taking it back down as the campness of the motion hit me.
There was another 'meow', and suddenly dozens more cats jumped up onto the wall from the other side. Kaptain Kitten looked at the cat next to him, and I swear he gave him a nod.
Suddenly the cats dived down and began attacking the zombies in a massive battle.
Andy and I instantly joined it, as cats began pissing all over zombies, who screamed and flailed about, desperate to get the liquid off them. Almost looking like it was burning them. I swung my sword, stabbing and hitting any zombies who came at us, while Andy used a paint can that he found in the back of the van.
---
The commotion outside had drawn Jo and her housemates attention, and they had come to the window.
When enough of the zombies had been downed, she opened her window and called down, dropping a rope, giving Andy and I time to climb it, taking as many of the cats with us as we can. Jo didn't look happy about having thirty cats up in her flat, but they were life savers.
"What the hell are you doing here?" She asked, looking confused at me.
"Saving you." I said. "Don't worry. The Kittens are here now."
"The Kittens?" Then she shook her head, not wanting to know the answer. "It's okay, anyway. Some guy already came to our rescue."
"Who?" I asked, suddenly jealous.
"Don't worry. It's nothing like that." Jo sensed the familiar tone. "He just helped us. All of us."
"A little late to the party, aren't you, Nath?" Came a voice I had a vague memory of hearing recently. I turned in the direction it had come from.
"Adams?" I muttered, rage in my voice, as the man walked into the room.
---
To be continued in the summer.
Maybe.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-02 06:50:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-21 02:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cats kick ass.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-21 01:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The beginning.
The middle.
The end.
These are the reasons I'm +2ing this.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I passed him another card that he ignored.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-20 13:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-02 07:22:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
In the Summer?!
Wtf?!
Not acceptable.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-09 12:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aye mi cantos.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2006-02-03 10:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2006-02-03 10:01:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
man ! you get brown nosed a lot
I take that back .
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2006-02-03 07:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm almost as lethal with a tin of paint as i am with an ash tray mate. good shit. Thanks for writing me in.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That bastard adams.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-02-02 16:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe.
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2006-02-02 16:40:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-02 11:00:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cat piss = zombie kryptonite/battery acid. nice. you rule.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-02 10:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION! AND 2 CAMEO APPEARANCES!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83317
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-02 10:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Kaptain...arrrr....
Submitted by Broken_Bird (user info) at 2006-02-02 10:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+4 for the series and zombies
-2 for having to wait til summer to read another one
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-02-02 10:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Coulda sworn I rated the first time I read it.
Turns out I have a very short attentio--
What?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-02 09:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-02 08:19:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghola is gonna love this
-----
Yes.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-02 09:46:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was gonna copy and paste a sentence I liked into my review, but then it turned into 2 sentences and then 3 and then 4...and eventually I gave up.
This could not be any better.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-02 09:42:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-02 08:53:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait who the fuck was Adams? Did I miss something?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think it was in Part 3. The other zombie killer guy
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-02 08:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
summer?
shit like that gets niggas kilt
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-02 08:53:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait who the fuck was Adams? Did I miss something?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-02-02 08:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Summer?
I will kill you Nath, or course then you wont be able to type any more...I guess I'll just cut things off.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-02 08:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghola is gonna love this
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-02 08:07:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Summer? THE FUCKING SUMMER?!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-02 07:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-02 07:44:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nath I haven't read it yet but once I get to work I will, I just want to tell you that you may be doing more zombie fighting today than you expected.
.....Not saying anything specific, just talking.....inconspicuously.
Don't pay any attention to my little ole comment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Very strange. Should be interesting
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-02 07:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nath I haven't read it yet but once I get to work I will, I just want to tell you that you may be doing more zombie fighting today than you expected.
.....Not saying anything specific, just talking.....inconspicuously.
Don't pay any attention to my little ole comment.
Submitted by belowground (user info) at 2006-02-02 07:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone get this man a video camera and a big budget.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-02 07:22:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the Summer?!
Wtf?!
Not acceptable.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-02 07:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lift your game sunshine. :)
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-02 07:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry about repost. Spelling fuck up in the title