UberTines 06 - I Do (690 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: Ubertines_ '06
Rating: 1.36 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <brdn_nkd.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-02-02 16:36:13 EST
I'm well liked. I meet and befriend people easily. I am able to start and continue a conversation with just about any woman I want and yet my love life is less than stellar. And now, with Valentines Day looming, I find myself once again alone. Surrounded by people who are excited about their romances, excited about making one day just a little more special for the object of their affection, I constantly hear about their plans. Quite frankly I'm sick of it. I've decided that this year will be different, this year will be special.
I work for a small broadcast company on a game show set called "Do You?" It's a stupid game but I've seen a way to make it better, I've seen a way to make the Valentines episode truly spectacular. It's taken me some time to get everything lined up and ready to go but tonight's the night and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited.
________________________________________________________________________
I started four months ago by taking a half page ad out in the paper advertising a contest to be participants on a game show. Applicants were instructed to write an essay detailing their love and commitment to their partners. I asked that they include how they feel, what kinds of things they find particularly appealing about the other in their life, and most importantly to what lengths they would go to do something extraordinary for them. Applicants were vying for the chance to compete against four other couples to win the grand prize, a trip to Hawaii. The response was overwhelming but I took my job seriously. After all, I wanted to show the world that the vows of undying love, and unselfish sacrifice were nothing more than a cruel farce. I know I've never seen the couple who would actually do anything they had to for their significant others but I have met the couple who has made such a promise.
So for months I read and re-read applications until finally I was able to select my three contestant couples. I personally called them and gave them instructions to be at the studio on Valentines Day for the live broadcast of the Valentines special.
My couples, based on their essays, appeared to be willing to do anything in the world for their love, we would soon find out.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Do You? Tonight we have a special Valentines Day edition coming to you live. Our contestants tonight are here with their respective Valentines to compete for an all expenses paid trip to beautiful Hawaii! These three couples have come tonight to show their love for each other and prove that they WOULD do anything for their love.
Because of the nature of our competition tonight I've had to make some adjustments to the show. Obviously, I'm not Dick Burnett; Dick is locked in his office so that I can run the show. I have also forced the audience to leave so that they do not interfere. Since I will have to run the camera's as well as host it may be a little hectic but hang on because you're in for one hell of a show. Finally I've added explosive devices to each of the contestant's seats, if one of them tries to leave their seat without my permission that person will get a chance to meet St. Valentine. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's get this show on the road."
"These three beautiful couples you see here won this opportunity by sending an essay detailing the strength and commitment of their love for each other. Jim and Diane have been married for nine years now and according to their essay there is no length they wouldn't go to, to make each other happy. Barb and Mike have been living together, in sin? For the last six years and say marriage is an antiquated notion and they certainly don't need a piece of paper to prove their love, instead they say "every action we take that involves each other demonstrates our love for each other". Wow! Tough act to follow! Finally, Brianna and Andrew have been married an astounding fifty years and say that every day together is a celebration of their undying love for each other.
Well folks, today they have a chance to prove it. A chance to prove it to each other, a chance to prove it to me, and a chance to prove it to the world as we play, "Do You?""
Alright, I've made it through the monologue, so far none of the couple's has decided to test whether or not the chairs work, and I'm feeling more excited by the second. The ladies are still crying, they started after I told them about their special chairs, but at least they haven't done anything stupid yet.
"We're looking for the couple today who can truly demonstrate true love and since Brianna and Andrew have had such a longstanding relationship we'll start with them. Brianna, do you love Andrew enough to take all your clothing off on live TV?"
Between the sobs and tears Brianna meekly said "I Do" just as I'd instructed them to answer. So I disabled her chair and asked her to get started. She looked at me as though she didn't believe what I was saying.
"What are you waiting for Brianna? If you love him enough then get to it or you will be dismissed." As I said this last I pulled the forty four out of my jacket.
"But.... but.. the chair! You said the chair would explode!"
"You put up with this for fifty years Andrew? You're a better man than me. Brianna, honey, the chair is disabled for now, get up and take off you clothes."
"Andrew, while she's getting busy, I have a question for you. Do you love her enough to masturbate on live TV? Look, I've already given you something to look at."
"Fuck you! That is my wife you're demeaning and I will not worsen it."
"Fifty years down the tubes right here? Do you love her enough to masturbate on live TV?"
"I will not you sick piece of trash."
"I'm sorry Brianna; you may put on your clothes and take a seat in the audience. I might have tested you further but Andrew here lied on his application and so he is dismissed." I shot him in the head. "I haven't caught you in a lie though so you may watch the rest of the show and then you're free to go. Don't try anything funny."
As Brianna took her seat I turned back to the other couples. The waterworks were really flowing now in fact it looked like Jim pissed himself and all of them were crying now.
"Barb and Mike, you said, aptly I think, that a piece of paper is unnecessary to prove your love. Are you ready to prove it today? Barb, do you love Mike enough to give me a blowjob?"
"I do."
"Get started then. Mike, do you love Barb enough to bite off one of your own fingers?"
"I do."
"Ok, while Barb is taking care of me get started on the finger of your choosing.
That brings us to Jim and Diane, how you holding up? Cat got your tongue? That's ok. Barb, I must say you're quite good at that. Just finish it up, swallow it down and then you can return to your seat. Mike, how are you doing? You've got fine taste in women, how's that finger taste?
Don't talk with your mouth full you can tell us when you're done.
Jim, do you love Diane enough to fist her on live TV?"
"I Do."
"Yeah, I'll bet you do, getting off a little easy there aren't you. Diane, do you love Jim enough to allow him to put his entire hand wrist deep inside you on national TV?"
Dianne just stared at me, no not stared; she was giving me the look of death. I turned my gun toward her and asked again.
"Do you?"
"Yes. I do. You will rot in hell for this."
"Maybe but my destiny is not in question here. You two may take a spot on the floor right there and let me know when you've reached the appropriate depth. Barb, good work, you can take your seat. Mike how's it coming?"
Mike was gnawing on his finger and screaming at the same time.
"Keep up the good work."
I ran back to the cameras and zoomed in on Barb, then Mike chewing on his bloody finger, and finally zoomed right in on Jim as he worked his hand into his wife's vagina.
"Good work Jim looks like you made it. Do you like it Diane? Come on don't be coy."
Jim withdrew his hand, stood up and looked like he was going to run at me.
"Do you love her enough to return to your seat instead of dying?
Please, all of you return to your seats we're running out of time. It's time for the lightening round. I need all of you to consider this last one. This is for the trip to Hawaii and title "True Lovers". I will need each of you to write your answer down on the paper below your seats.
Do you love each other enough to kill for your love? "
I ran back to the camera and panned their faces as each wrote down their answer, then I returned and gathered the answers up.
"Interesting, we have two no's and two yes'. Even more interesting is that Jim is willing to kill for Diane and Barb is willing to kill for Mike. I am going to give you each a chance to prove it by killing the contestant who answered no opposite of you. Your devotion to this love is inspiring and I think that perhaps Barb and Jim should consider hooking up and taking the trip to Hawaii. I will warn you that killing me will cause the whole studio to blow up. I personally don't care but it's up to you."
Jim and Barb did kill the other's lover and went on to have a relationship. While I didn't find the perfect love I may have found two people capable of giving it and brought them together. Only time will tell.
User Reviews
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i kinda thought i had already read this and...
^^^
my humble take on this piece would have been to shorten it which,
i think, would have punched-up the good parts (+1.3)
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-02-04 13:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 00:56:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
I like the idea, not the execution. It was all so...ordinary. Axolotl mentioned something along the same lines. This is a huge, creepy event, but you treated it without any punch at all; so all the cool parts were rendered kind of underwhelming.
~~~~
I'm sorry.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-03 12:00:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wasn't planning on rating your post originally, being opponents and all, but since you rated mine...
This was a great idea for a very vague title. Although the end did fall flat, I'll gladly round up a 1.8 to a 2. Nice work.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-03 11:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright, so many of the complaints on this piece are totally valid. As I wrote this and reached my fifth page I thought holy shit this should really be at least a three post mini-series because basically all I've got is the show itself, no background, no detail. I had to cut that stuff out to get down to where I am now. I think it is a solid idea but I don't think i quite sold my social commentary well enough cause it is there. I might be a bit bitter on this "holiday" this year.
Congrats thorny, without a miracle you're on your way to round two.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-03 11:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-03 11:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah i thought it was a little.... i dunno. i liked the idea. i liked the screaming while chewing his head off but i think you coulda maybe drawn the show out a bit. i'm gonna go 1.5.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-03 02:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah, sorry man.
nice concept, bad read.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 00:56:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like the idea, not the execution. It was all so...ordinary. Axolotl mentioned something along the same lines. This is a huge, creepy event, but you treated it without any punch at all; so all the cool parts were rendered kind of underwhelming.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-02 23:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:59:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
For the working with such an ambiguous title and keeping me interested
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-02-02 18:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm really on the fence with this one...I'd give it a 1.5, or maybe lower, just because of the way it's written, with the transition in dialogue.
I think more detailed descriptions need to be given, I almost skipped over the part with "he shot him in the head." as there's only one sentence devoted to it. The sheer incredulity of the host to commit murder on a game show is somewhat unbelievable...
But I'll just give it a +2.
Submitted by RonArtestPunch (user info) at 2006-02-02 18:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
anyone ever see Running Man?
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:59:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the working with such an ambiguous title and keeping me interested:
Plus-Fucking-Two
ps.
I imagined the chairs as big velvet-like things shaped like hearts. Anyone else?
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:40:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think part of why I'm on the fence with this is that it transitions from the narrator explaining himself to all dialogue and action. I think it may have worked well as a full confession, with moments like "I can still remember the sounds of his screams as he continued to chew through his flesh." It either needed more of the narrator explaining what happened and how he felt about it rather than the omniscient presentation of the 'game show,' or a complete focus on the show and what happened during it.
If that makes any sense.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The idea, however, was awesome. +2.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:34:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds like a Chuck Palahniuk game show.
The execution was a bit off on this, so +1.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:33:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's kinda like EHarmony, but has less fisting.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was superb.
You had an awful title and I don't really know what else you could have done.
Funny sadistic shit.
I approve.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
WTF I READ ALL THAT
Funnyish.
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-02 16:41:20 (#)
Ranking: 1
Uberers are sick fucks.
***
ya think?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-02 16:44:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I really hated this title, Sure I could have written some lovey dovey piece of shit about a wedding but I wanted to have some fun with it and I didn't want it to be more cliched than killing all my characters is. whatever. No one was named Brianna?
-----
yes, no one was named Brianna fifty years ago...just like no one was named Shaniqua, or Sy'rai, or Madison - those words weren't used as names.
For that matter, nobody was named Brianna when I was growing up.
People had names like Shirley, Stanley, Ethel, Marge - remember, if they've been married 50 years, they have to be at least 65.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:13:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Great premise. Meh execution.
get it? execution?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is probably too harsh, make it -0.5.
I did like the story, but you are fucked in the head.
-Dave
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-02 17:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This seemed a little rushed towards the end so you lose a point.
-Dave
Submitted by RonArtestPunch (user info) at 2006-02-02 16:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awww, ain't that cute
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-02-02 16:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ewwww.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-02 16:44:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really hated this title, Sure I could have written some lovey dovey piece of shit about a wedding but I wanted to have some fun with it and I didn't want it to be more cliched than killing all my characters is. whatever. No one was named Brianna?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-02 16:41:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I love how these things are supposed to be about romance, and yet they all involve death and torture.
Uberers are sick fucks.
p.s. nobody was named Brianna 50 years ago. a slight distraction.