Circe vs Caes UberTines: This Familiar Place (1074 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.73 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Caes (View user info) at 2006-02-03 13:16:22 EST
(Circe was too late with the deadline and I only half-wanted to play, so we challenged each other for fun -- plus, I've always wanted to know just how easily she would crush me in one of these things. She gave me this title.)
Circe's entry is here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83318
----------------------------------------------------------
The doctor's saying something, but I've stopped listening. His practiced voice carries the perfect weight of concerned sympathy. He's rattling off details and things I can expect in the months and years to come. It's more for my fiancée's benefit than mine. He was clear that before long it won't matter what I know, or what I think I know. I'm not dying or anything. Physically, I'll be fine. But he practically handed me a death sentence, wrapped up in a sterile package, with a sober frown for a bow.
I'm not dying. But I'll be dead in all the ways that count.
Michelle makes it all the way to the car before she breaks down. She pulls me close and sobs in my arms. She touches my face and looks at the light in my eyes like it's a fragile treasure; and maybe it is. She tells me she'll never leave me. She'll stay with me and keep me comfortable and she'll never love anyone but me.
I'm numb. It's like this isn't really happening. But her trembling expression crashes through my dazed shell, and I start bawling. We hold each other and cry together. I'm so lucky to have her. If I was unlucky in everything else in this life, she makes up for it. For all of it.
Later, we're lying in bed together. Michelle is dozing softly at my side. She smells like lavender and lilacs. Her breathing comforts me; it washes against me like the whispering tide. My thoughts drift back, back to the day I met her. It was in Victoria Park. The trees were exploding in their autumn colours, and the air smelled like damp leaves. I saw her on the path near the tree line, walking her dog Zander, a golden retriever. One look was all I could stand. It wasn't like the clouds parted, and a heavenly light shone down on her or anything like that. It was just a simple twist in my guts. That was it. She was the one. As simple and solid as a stone.
I borrowed my brother's dog so I'd have an excuse to bump into her. We chatted and it always seemed to me that we fell in love right away. It was so easy. It was like slipping on your favorite sweater. I don't know how it happened. I'm not even any good with girls.
We came back to the park often. We have a favorite spot, underneath a big maple tree. We had picnics there. We sat in the tree's old limbs and talked for hours about nothing, about everything. We made love on a fleece blanket, under the stars.
Michelle snorts quietly in her sleep, breaking me out of my memory. She sounds like a pig when she sleeps sometimes. It's adorable. It's retarded. I trail my fingers through her auburn hair, lightly, so I won't wake her. My free hand lifts up the picture I keep of her from my nightstand. I stare into it. I decide to make this a ritual. Every night, I'll look at her picture, and remember what she is to me. I go over it, meticulously.
I memorize every fucking detail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It happens in bits and pieces.
It looks like average, everyday absentmindedness, but I know there's something ugly and guilty behind it.
I forget where I put my shoes, even though they're in the same place they always are.
I put on my suit, even though I don't have to work that day.
I find myself staring at my reflection in the mirror, and I have no idea how long I've been watching myself.
I get out of my car and leave the door wide open in the parking lot.
Michelle and I go to the park more often now. She's taken time off work to be with me. We sit under the maple tree and tell each other stories. We hold hands and kiss softly. Even though she smiles and laughs with me, her eyes are so sad, and it breaks my heart.
I still look at her picture every night.
I can't remember my middle name any more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm starting to fall apart now, unraveling like a cheap sweater. If someone was picking at the thread before, now they're running away with it. Nothing is complete anymore. It's all just jumbled pieces that float around in my damaged head. Sometimes I can fit the pieces together into a puzzle that makes sense, and sometimes I can't.
I look at my watch. It's March 5th. When did that happen? I got up yesterday and it was the 2nd. Three days of my life are gone. The thief in my head stole them.
A memory comes back to me. It's of Michelle, but it's not soft and soothing like most of them are. It has sharp edges and it cuts me a little when I catch it. I remember her crying. She's saying she can't take it anymore, she can't watch the light in my eyes flicker like a dying candle. She can't bear to see me look at her like a stranger. She says she loves me, and she hates herself. Weeping, she grabs her hastily packed suitcase and practically runs out of the door. I can still smell a trail of lavender and lilacs leading out of my home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't watch movies or television shows any more. They're too long, jumbled. Only the commercials make any sense, so I watch those.
My face is smooth and clean, I have a razor burn on my neck, but I swear I haven't shaved in the past four days.
My brother cooks for me. He moved in after I forgot about a pot on the stove and it set off the smoke detector. He's making me lasagna. He says it's my favorite. I take a bite of it -
-- I'm staring at my shoes. I've just put them on. Or was I about to take them off? I don't know if I was about to leave or if I just got home. It's raining outside, and my shoes are dry, so I must be leaving. I walk out the door, with no idea where to go, only that I am going somewhere. Hours later, I am at wet and at home, wondering what I did when I was out.
My brother takes me to the grocery store. I have a list. It's good to have lists. The list tells me things I wouldn't remember on my own. I reach for some pasta noodles -
-- And I'm lying in bed. The clock tells me it's almost midnight. I'm holding a picture of a beautiful girl. She has green eyes and auburn hair. I get the feeling I know her, but I can't remember how. I like looking at her picture. I think of autumn and of flowers when I look at it. It makes me happy for some reason.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm in the park again. I often find myself sitting underneath an old maple tree, watching people go by. Or am I waiting for someone? It feels comfortable here, like I belong. I always make my way back to this familiar place. Sometimes I can't remember how to get home, but I never lose my way when I come here. Something more reliable than my broken mind always guides me to this place, and it never fails.
My brother sits beside me. He knows to look for me here. Is his name Marty? It doesn't matter. I know he's my brother and that's all that's important. We sit together under the maple tree for a while before he decides it's time to go.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. It's mid-summer, but I smell damp autumn leaves. "Not yet," I tell him, and he agrees.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm in bed again. I'm holding a stranger's picture. I look at it every night. I don't know why, but it seems important that I do. The girl in it looks so pretty. I hope she's as happy in her life as this picture makes her seem.
After a moment, a day, a year, I put the picture down and turn the light off. I roll over and close my eyes. The edge of my pillow smells faintly of lavender, and I fall asleep with a smile.
REMEMBER
by Christina Rossetti
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-18 16:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-02-22 20:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
DUDE?!?! you gave me a -2 for a picture of a girl sucking some guys dick through a pizza because it wasn't that funny? you're an asshole.
PS I hate you.
YOU:
:O o==3
:Oo==3
:O==3
:O=3
:O3
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shamrock Open: http://www.ubersite.com/m/84210
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-08 01:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-02-07 22:52:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here. I wrote something.
http://ubersite.com/m/83616
I still say fuck most fiction and fuck McCallum too.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 20:00:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Point taken about the line, you guys. Would it have been better with some less offensive word than 'fucking?' Like, 'I memorize every damn detail.' Or just better as, 'I memorize every detail.'?
I dunno. Without the stronger language, I don't know if the conviction really comes through.
____________
I think Damn would have gotten the conviction across without being as jarring. I agree that the line needed something to drive the point home. Damn would've been good.
You know you wrote something amazing when we're giving you hell over 1 word.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-04 18:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't sell yourself short, scourge. You'll notice that your post has a pristine, perfect 2 -- neither Circe or I would have that, even without Shlongy giving me a 'so there!' -2 or Falco giving Circe a 'just because' 0.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-04 18:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I for one am glad the two of you didn't make the cut. Too high of a mountain to climb...
I just had time to read it quickly, but this was awesome.
More when I have time to read this leisurely.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-04 17:56:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and just so everyone knows: this isn't about Alzheimer's. I didn't really think of what disease he actually has...it was just some brain disease. I don't know that Alzheimer's would really follow the same pattern I described here.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-04 17:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-04 14:41:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
That's your opinion but I was taught a long time ago never to listen to a dude without balls.
*******************
It's not just my opinion, champ. It's the same opinion anyone has after watching that shellacking you received. Why are you getting all hissy about this anyway? There's no shame in looking bad compared to Filthy. She can throw down with the best of them.
And by 'best of them' I mean, 'people way better than you.'
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-02-04 15:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
an excellent read.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-04 14:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That's your opinion but I was taught a long time ago never to listen to a dude without balls.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-04 14:29:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I certainly hope my grandfather's Alzheimer's was as peaceful and lovey dovey as this.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-04 14:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoyed this.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-04 14:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-04 11:41:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
As ususal, you misspelled 'colors'.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Great job!
**************************
Heh heh heh.
Jerk.
We speaka da Queen's English!!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-04 14:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-04 10:11:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
It's official. You're gay.
******************************
Hey man, don't take it out on me just because you're getting your shit handed to you by an insomniac British girl. Maybe you should pick fights with opponents more your speed, like someone with Down's syndrome or something.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-04 11:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As ususal, you misspelled 'colors'.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Great job!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-02-04 11:13:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
...but the +1 to bring it down a little is because I preferred the mood and tone of Circe.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-02-04 11:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The +2 is because this easily qualifies for +2 material, all the kudos are spot on...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-04 10:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's official. You're gay.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-04 07:34:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know what you're planning to do with a sackcloth and ashes, but you might want to wait until the voting is over.
What the hell is a sackcloth anyway? A sack made out of cloth?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-02-03 21:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"She sounds like a pig when she sleeps sometimes. It's adorable. It's retarded."
That right there is all anyone needs to know about love.
Congratulations! This was great. I'm gonna go find my sackcloth and ashes.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 21:00:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks fgp. That's a good point.
I'm going to stop camping on my post now. Heh.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-02-03 20:51:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 20:00:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno. Without the stronger language, I don't know if the conviction really comes through.
---
Two more unsolicited cents: I'd argue the construction carries the conviction just fine: one-sentence paragraph at the end of a passage.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 20:35:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Manic!
It's nice to "see" you, by the way. Hope everything's good.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-02-03 20:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You really are amazing, caes.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 20:00:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:17:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Exploits the tie between memory and smell very nicely. (I might have been tempted to lead with the smell of the hospital, rather than the doctor's voice, to bring it "full circle.")
**********************
Yay! I was hoping someone would notice that. Thanks. I didn't want to tie his memories back to the hospital, though. I only wanted him to remember things that related directly to her.
Point taken about the line, you guys. Would it have been better with some less offensive word than 'fucking?' Like, 'I memorize every damn detail.' Or just better as, 'I memorize every detail.'?
I dunno. Without the stronger language, I don't know if the conviction really comes through.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-02-03 17:29:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-03 16:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-02-03 16:25:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had the same problem with the same line as Ashk.
It just seems to jump right out at you compared to the rest, it seems more angry than intense.
The rest was very nicely written though, not complaints except for what's stated above.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is teh rock.
i really take criticism from you seriously, because i'm such a fan of your writing.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, Caes. Clean style and very clever subject choice for micro-fiction.
Exploits the tie between memory and smell very nicely. (I might have been tempted to lead with the smell of the hospital, rather than the doctor's voice, to bring it "full circle.")
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost got that feeling you get right before your eyes well up with tears. Almost.
Good job!
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is amazing.
Tragic, tender, sad.
Wow, great job.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awsome I was sucked in and felt the emotional roller coaster going through the ups and downs of life. or maybe I'm tired and easily associating cause I stayed out far too late last night. either way I liked this a lot.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Ash.
I went back and forth on that line. I decided I liked it, because I wanted to show how his determination to not forget her is strong, but ultimately futile.
The characterization thing, well...I get what you're saying. This is a much shorter story than I usually write, and I was trying to really NOT get that personal with the characters. I wanted the mood to be distant and kind of scattered, to reflect how the dude felt, slowly losing his mind. I wanted him to be kind of anonymous, though I couldn't tell you why...I just did. Hmm.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:39:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:36:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
err.... "every fucking detail"
I'll go now.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:32:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I like this. The storyline is haunting.
Just a couple of things bother me.
"very fucking detail" really jarred me, but not in the way it was intended ( I don't think ). It was such a completely different tone than the rest of the piece.
I missed the ease of which I usually relate to your characters. Normally, I feel a bond immediately, which is why I love to read your stuff. This time, I didn't feel your natural storytelling vibe come through as quickly.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fortune smiles upon you, then. It's a great find. Very appropriate for your purposes.
I'd look into her a little more if I were you. She's got some great stuff.
http://www.victorianweb.org/authors/crossetti/works.html
I've been flipping through some of my old books lately, because I've had Robert Browning on my brain for some reason.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alzheimer's sucks. My grandmother had it....
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:21:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Great use of the Rossetti poem at the end. It helped crest the wave of emotion that was building through the whole piece.
******************************
Thanks, Orgasmo. I was lucky to find it -- I looked for a poem to fit the story and found this one in less than 10 minutes. Pretty damn lucky considering I've never heard of this Rossetti person and don't know anything about poetry.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:23:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hurrrm.
I just saw a certain section of this that I didn't like, and that is easily fixed. But too late now. Bah. Too eager to post.
I'm okay with this post, but it's hard to tell sometimes...usually if I'm putting effort into something, I leave it for a few hours and then come back to re-read it later with a fresh perspective, but I didn't do that this time. Anyone find this a little too sappy or anything like that? I get the feeling I KIND of achieved what I wanted to with this, but not quite. Something's missing, to me.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn you, now my feet are cold.
Why?
Because you just knocked my socks off.
Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk.
No, really. This was fantastic. Sad and sweet, touching and terrifying.
Great use of the Rossetti poem at the end. It helped crest the wave of emotion that was building through the whole piece.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking beaute.
note to self:
uber is sappy and great during V-day holiday...
wait, no this ain't no holiday, and shit always turns out this way...