I'm Running On Fumes (No Worthwhile Content) (1623 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.69 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2006-02-03 13:46:37 EST
This may at first glance appear to be an absolute bag of unoriginal wank that I've cobbled together in under a minute, but to anyone that has had less than two hours sleep in the last forty-eight and has recently discovered they have been skittering around for the past week on a broken foot caused by a dastardly combination of ridiculous heels, alcohol consumption and a Schnucks supermarket, it will make perfect sense. We, the patron saints of jetlag, have found our champion.
GUNS AND MONKEYS, MY FRIEND. GUNS AND FUCKING MONKEYS.
Click this: http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=1416
Then look at the picture below.
Then pity me.
User Reviews
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sandy.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-05 16:06:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:52:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
first off, my buddy has an old record and on the cover is a...well...head/torso combo. his arms AND legs are stumps. he's a wicked awesome organ player.
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Hang on, does he play with the leg stumps too? Stumpy cartwheels on the keyboard? I'm going to have to google this.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-02-05 16:05:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Karate For Christ...what more can I say?
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Right after turning the other cheek, give him a nice roundhouse kick to the solar plexis. PRAISE THE LORD!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-05 16:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My god, you've met Mike Crain. Allow me to kneel humbly at your feet.
You know, the best thing to do would be to challenge him to karate chop through some wood blindfolded and then at the last moment swap the wood with a crucifix.
Hilarity would surely ensue.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
first off, my buddy has an old record and on the cover is a...well...head/torso combo. his arms AND legs are stumps. he's a wicked awesome organ player.
that being said, i about had a heart attack when i saw that picture of mike crain...
allow me to explain.
in 2000 (during the elections) i went to an all-star soccer/football/volleyball camp in Tennessee. The place was called "Fort Bluff" and it was held by a giant Christian sports organization. I was there for 4-5 days. I have a hundred funny stories to tell about that place, but I'll spare you. Anyhoo, while attending said camp, Mike Crain spoke at all the nightly church meetings (ghey) and let me tell you...he is insane.
here are a few of his "true" stories...
1) (I'm not sure whether this was televised or if it was a demonstration in front of a large audience but it was near the beginning of Michael Jordan's pro career) Mike Crain knew his karate shit and was pretty damn good at it. He claims that while doing some tricks and fanciness, Michael Jordan laid down on a table and held a watermelon to his chest. While blindfolded, Mike Crain took a razor sharp katana and sliced right through the melon. Apparently, he was wearing different shoes (or some other excuse) and he sliced a quarter inch into Jordan's stomach. It was a clean cut and ran the length of MJ's waist. Jordan left, in an understandably pissy mood.
2) shit. while i was writing that last one, i forgot this one. i suck.
3)Crain had just returned home from the Olympics in Syndey when I went to the camp. He told us this story. I don't know whether it was baseball/softball fast/slow pitch or even men/women but i wanna say it was men's. It was in the 9th inning (of course) and the US was down by 3 runs. The team had been in a slump and the crowd was quiet. With the game winding down, Crain decided that he needed to do something. He began chanting "U-S-A" over and over again. Eventually, the crowd joined in...thousands of people simultaneously shouting "U-S-A." The next pitch, our guy hit a grand slam. He took personal credit for that win, saying that without that extra adrenaline (from the Crain-inspired cheering) the player would have never hit the ball that hard. What a tool.
pray that you never meet crain. he is an ass.
Karate For Christ...what more can I say? http://www.arnis.org/kenpo/mikecrain/page2.htm
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:19:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This post is really a bit of a coincidence. I've always envisioned Shlongy as a deformed girl trying to play organ.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-02-04 16:54:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"spitroasted"
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-04 14:01:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-04 10:11:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
It's official. You're gay.
******************************
Hey man, don't take it out on me just because you're getting your shit handed to you by an insomniac British girl. Maybe you should pick fights with opponents more your speed, like an infant with Down's syndrome or something.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-04 13:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-04 13:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 21:29:32 (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't read this but once in a blue moon, a random minus two, for a previously stupid fucking comment, is a barrel of laughs.
Suck my dick.
____________________
Tell me Shlongy, how am I supposed to suck your dick when you've got your own mouth wrapped around it so tightly?
On second thought, why do you go around questioning other people's sexual orientation when you make comments like that?
No I will not join you, if that's what you're wondering.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-04 08:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I never let a simple "fact" get in the way of my scathing insults.
I'm the best.
You're a fat pig.
Which doesn't make you a bad person.
Case closed.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-04 07:31:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when Shlongy tries to take on Filthy. It's like a three year old with a butter knife starting a fight with the 'Karatist Preacher.'
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-04 05:24:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 21:35:31 (#)
Ranking: -2
You just forced the USA into "Defcon 5" status.
===
DEFCON 5 is peacetime, idiot - if I've 'forced' you to DEFCON 5 I've actually made the situation better by virtue of having a malodourous box. While this could be taken as a scathing indictment of the current state of america, I seriously doubt you're capable of the 2nd grade level of thought required to make such a connection.
The only thing funnier than your complete inability to be insulting, despite your best efforts, is the little band of mental midgets who clap and hoot as you peddle your tired wares, seemingly oblivious to the fact that you display all the wit and intelligence of a houseplant.
Come back when you can manage a retort a little more sophisticated than "STUPIDHEAD!", stupidhead.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-02-03 21:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 21:35:31 (#)
Ranking: -2
I can smell your box from across the ocean...You just forced the USA into "Defcon 5" status.
This comment made it all worthwhile.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 21:35:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I can smell your box from across the ocean...You just forced the USA into "Defcon 5" status.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:57:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-11-08 18:29:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
You should download Brooklyn by the Youngblood Brass Band. It just came on my itunes and for some reason I can see you getting down like James Brown to it when drunk.
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Just spent 6 minutes of my life doing exactly the above.
-Dave
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's hypnotizing.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:24:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:14:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:04:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap that video was awesome.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:26:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:04:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, did you find those records in the Indiana/Illinois Goodwill or sumthin'?
===
If only. I can't imagine how funny I would find it to somberely put on 'The Handless Organist' only to be confronted with the cacophony of her pummeling her stumps manically against the keys.
I did, however, find a copy of 'North American Whitetail' magazine that somebody had left in a bar. It's chock full of classic lines such as "The buck was magnificent. I deeply regretted not killing it."
Thanks to this inspirational tome, I now know what qualities to look for in an antler dog and the importance of naming a deer something classical and impressive like Zeus before you blow its brains out and have your picture taken with its corpse.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:24:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:14:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:04:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap that video was awesome.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:04:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap that video was awesome.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:04:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm.. sand fantasies.
Shit, did you find those records in the Indiana/Illinois Goodwill or sumthin'? Looks like you got some real treats from Americana.
Speaking of Americana...
http://mediamogul.seas.upenn.edu/pennsound/authors/365/365-Days-Project-03-23-burson-big-john-im-feeling-fine-1996.mp3
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 17:30:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 17:09:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
Isn't this fun exchanging pleasantries in a witty repartee?
===
Indeed, I owe you a debt of thanks - I would have forgotten to book my next pap smear had you not just assaulted us with the emotionally scarring mental image of your leprous penis.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-03 17:09:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Granted Peter Faulk is awesome, but why him?
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It's every young girls dream to be ravaged by an elderly raincoated man. Plus I like chili. My life's ambition is to be spitroasted by Columbo and William Shatner, preferably while one or both of them recite 'The Tambourine Man' in fishnets.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-03 17:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Granted Peter Faulk is awesome, but why him?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 17:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, that's not the ONLY thing cheaper than my cock...
For example, your perfume and your net worth also fit the bill.
Isn't this fun exchanging pleasantries in a witty repartee?
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-03 16:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 16:08:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
For me to even contemplate carousing with you schlongy, I'd have to have lost both arms and both legs in some kind of tragic mining accident and even then I would be chomping down on the floor tiles with my teeth trying to drag myself away.
_____________________
hahaha
This kind of wit just soars over poor old shlong's head.
Best comback I've seen on this site.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 16:43:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, if I was dreaming Peter Falk would be licking ranch dressing from the underside of my left breast whilst five catholic schoolgirls read aloud from the Koran. You would be somewhere in Uzbechistan frantically buggering a mountain goat until its entire digestive tract started spewing out of its anus, engulfing both you and the bolivian midget you employed to capture your moment of cherry-popping glory on film.
And I assume by "working the waitress" you mean stealing her tips to fund your nightly trips down down to Skank Alley where the only thing cheaper than cock is your dignity.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 16:30:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're dreaming, filthy.
We'd be doing shots of Bushmill's, chain smoking cigarettes, listening to the Buzzcocks on the juke, while you glued yourself to my inner thigh, all the while slobbering your stink smoke-booze breath all over my personal space, begging and pleading with me to take you to the loo and bend you over the hopper.
I'd be scanning the room for a HOT chick but after a while, your persistence, breath and sheer upper body strength would prevail and you'd get the floggin' that you so desperately wanted and needed from Shlongy.
4 minutes later, I'd be working the waitress.
The end.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 16:08:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:47:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
Anyway, you should see how hilarious I am when we're both liquored up together. A veritable laugh riot will ensue.
===
For me to even contemplate carousing with you schlongy, I'd have to have lost both arms and both legs in some kind of tragic mining accident and even then I would be chomping down on the floor tiles with my teeth trying to drag myself away.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:54:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet that handless lady can play other 'organs' pretty good, too
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:52:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy don't rely on old titles. Keep yourself fresh with a good thorough washout to avoid the stank.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm CERTAIN I've been funny, at LEAST once.
After all, I didn't vote myself in as "Best Reviewer- Uber 2004" (and I'm pretty sure I've repeated in 2005).
Maybe you're just stupid, filthy, and you don't "get it"...Couldn't that be it?
Anyway, you should see how hilarious I am when we're both liquored up together. A veritable laugh riot will ensue.
Submitted by Rope (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:19:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The handless organist!
That video is ludicrous. I find it hard not to be cynical and sniping at the best of times, but fucking hell. I bet they sell her 'art' on VHS at garden centres.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:06:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sharted.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't get the video to work. It looks like it's loading and I can click on the play button but then I just sit here looking at a blank screen.
it kinda hurts my feelings
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:51:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:35:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:24:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Why? Someone fart?
I'd be running from fumes, too.
===
Watching you try to force out a punchline is like watching a toddler trying to mould its own watery shit into an easter basket. Just be funny once, schlongy, for me.
Please?
----
In the words of Brian the dog....
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:31:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:22:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
THERE'S A BALD EAGLE OF FREEDOM IN THE VIDEO! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! GOD BLESS YOU!
===
Sweet mother of shit, they've finally got to him. Take a breath caul and come back to the dark side - look up a new horse & onions recipe to calm your fevered spirit.
===
I fixed myself a horse sandwich once. It was great, thanks for reminding me. I'm cured.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:24:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Why? Someone fart?
I'd be running from fumes, too.
===
Watching you try to force out a punchline is like watching a toddler trying to mould its own watery shit into an easter basket. Just be funny once, schlongy, for me.
Please?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:22:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
THERE'S A BALD EAGLE OF FREEDOM IN THE VIDEO! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! GOD BLESS YOU!
===
Sweet mother of shit, they've finally got to him. Take a breath caul and come back to the dark side - look up a new horse & onions recipe to calm your fevered spirit.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:29:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I now worship people who smoke because I quit...that gentleman now fucking rules my world.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why? Someone fart?
I'd be running from fumes, too.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THERE'S A BALD EAGLE OF FREEDOM IN THE VIDEO! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! GOD BLESS YOU!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think the first time I saw that sand art thing it was an old Asian man doing it. Wasn't that on ebaum's?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you crush milky chunks of cactus
with sulphur and realgar,
dry the mixture seven times, powder it
and apply it to your penis,
you'll satisfy the most demanding lover.
And if, to these powerful ingredients,
you add a monkey's turd,
grind them together and sprinkle the powder
on your unsuspecting lover's head,
she will be your devoted slave for life.
Thus spake the Kama Sutra
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:14:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That video was so relax<thud>zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:11:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:03:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
They make me want to writhe around in a shallow pool of lettuce and horse vomit whilst a paraplegic watches.
_____
I decided to raise to a 1.5 for that comment. Now I have to go change my long-johns.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:06:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I may have invented the word omnificence. Let's just gloss over it.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:02:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
...if you could just do it, how would you know to start?
===
I suspect Mike Crain the Karatist preacher probably chopped the magnificient omnificence of the lord into her.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:04:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap that video was awesome.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck that video was wild. How long would it take you to learn that? Or if you could just do it, how would you know to start?
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Seen the video, but the handless organist sure is something.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-03 14:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:54:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
But then I watched the video and it was fucking awesome
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Isn't it just. It becomes even more touching when you factor in the number of dispossesed children she had to grind up to make that sand - a true artiste.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:54:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you know I was all ready to drop a -2 on this and tell you that if you have nothing there is no reason to post...like you don't HAVE to.
I figured that sort of response would be right up your alley.
But then I watched the video and it was fucking awesome so +2live to fight another day.
Thanks.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2006-02-03 13:52:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
smoke smoke smoke that cigarette
puff puff puff it
till you smoke yourself to death