“You must be confused. See, I met the lead singer of Tool, not A Perfect Circle” (1552 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.92 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by D0S (View user info) at 2006-02-04 17:03:50 EST
I bit the bullet the other day and decided to grace the local mall with my presence. Obviously I didn't want to go, but the lady decided that for V-day she would buy me something special in the form of sexy thongs. Not being the sort of male to wear those kind of things, I soon got the hint and reluctantly agreed. Off we went to the hellscape that is the Twelve Oaks mall; where I would no doubt witness true retardation in its purest form.
I find a close enough parking spot next to the department stores. While walking towards the sliding doors, Mrs. D0S reveals to me that this visit wont take long, as she only planned on shopping at one particular store.
"sweet, hun. What store did you have in mind?"
"oh, just Hot Topic"
I stopped in mid-step. Now, im not the type of guy that gets easily riled, but some of the people they got working in places like that are just straight-up dumber than a box of dead babies. Last time I was in that place, some punker looking kid with way too many eyebrow piercing tried selling me on a My Chemical Romance t-shirt. Funny thing was, I was there looking for a particular Tool shirt, that which they did not have. Trying my best not to be rude, I just pretended to ignore the chump and briskfully walk out. But no, it didn't end there. The guy had to keep suggesting items that might suit my tastes, even though he had no idea what said tastes were. All I asked for was a Tool shirt, and this emo kid assumed that I would also be a morbid fan of Linkin Park. He approached me again, this time with 3 different kinds of Linkin Park shirts; this is how it played out:
Emo: "ok we've got this killer blue LP shirt, only $19.95, and this red one here comes with a hoody, and..."
Me: "...." I noticed the thick-rimmed glasses, and instantly I knew I had to do it.
Emo: " so do these match what you're looking for today?"
I motioned him in closer.
Me: "...get fucked, four eyes"
I've never been given a more stranger look before. Rude? Maybe,. But it drove my point home. I figured this visit would be no better, except I was positive my gal would find what she was looking for. Unlike me, my lady has no taste. Well, let me rephrase that, she has taste, but its rather shitty. She likes all that punk rock clothes and chains and piercing and thongs and well, I don't like any of it. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy, very low maintenance. Hell, sometimes it has to be a holiday before I even consider showering. Yeah, I'm that manly.
Back to the story at hand, we enter Hot Topic and I automatically want to be somewhere else. Just staring at these teenage bastards makes me reflect on my better-spent days of youth. I thought about when I was their age, hanging out with my buds playing halo and eating cheetos all day. looking at these folks, it was obvious that their main goal in life was to lurk in shopping mall department stores and talk about how the sex pistols revolutionized music. Well I say fuck that, The Kinks made music what it is today, not to mention a little band called the Beatles. Do I listen to either of them? Fuck no. but do I respect them? Hell yes.
Woah. Went on a little bit of a tangent there.
So my lady is rummaging through a couple of hot ass looking thongs, and I'm standing next to her, daydreaming about snapping them. I look to my left and notice an entire wall of shirts, mostly band shirts. I walk over and start searching for any apparent sign of a Tool tee, but to no avail. This is the moment where Ms. Mental deficient makes her appearance in the story.
Ms. Retard: "hey there, can I help you with anything?"
Me: "not unless you got some Tool shirts"
She makes the patented frown face, and after 30 seconds of awkward silence, retorts:
Ms. Cockstain: "oooooh, you know, I think we just sold the last one, sorry" followed by an emo smile.....which is more like a frown to begin with.
Me: "figures..um, thanks anyway"
I was getting bad vibes from her. You know, those "hi, im new! Narf!" vibes. I knew this encounter wasn't going to end there. Ms. Mental Deficient then decided to spark conversation. At first, I thought to myself shit, she probably thinks im single and hear to pick up emo sluts. What she doesn't realize is that I already have an emo slut of my own. For fear that she would go home and slit her wrists, I decided to hold back Mr. rude and deal with this chick's mindless bullshit for the duration of my lady's shopping experience. And then she said it, the one thing that set me off like no other. She said something about Tool.
Now, you can call me a dork, loser, fuckstain, dickface, etc. that's fine. You could call my mom a demented monkey fucker, and I'd probably chuckle and agree with you. But Tool....something just clicks in my head. Its like if you were to run up to me, smack my balls with a mallet and tell me the Easter Bunny doesn't exist. Just not right, at all. Here's what Ms. MD had to say:
Ms. Putrid Cunt: "so you're a Tool fan huh?"
Me thinking: *gee, what gave that away*
Me: "yeah"
Ms. Poopy chin: "you know, I met the lead singer once."
Thinking there couldn't possibly be any truth to the statement, I decided to play along.
Me: "oh yeah? That must've been cool"
Ms. Cum Dumpster: "yeah, it was awesome. I got backstage at Ozzfest last year, and he signed my shirt!"
At this point, I could've called her out on it, seeing as how Tool hasn't been on tour since late 2002.I pressed on anyway; her bullshit was getting rather amusing.
Me: "wow, that kicks ass. So you like A Perfect Circle?"
Ms. MD: "OMFG, YES! They're like, really down to earth....I love them! LOL!"
I set it up, and I sure as hell planned on knocking it down.
My lady walked over, told me she found what she was looking for and was ready to go. Not yet, I thought, I still got one more question for Ms. Mental Deficient right here.
"so who do you think has the better singer, Tool or A Perfect Circle?"
My lady looked at me. She knew it was a trick question because I had recently converted her over to the church of Tool. She knew that both bands shared the same lead singer, Maynard James Keenan.
Ms. mental emo shitstain deficient took her time deciding. You could tell she was thinking hard about this, her eyebrows furrowed and her nose pointed down in an almost perplexing manner. Then she sputtered:
"I think Perfect Circle has the better singer."
Before I could drop the bomb on this dumb bitch, my lady interfered:
My lady: "Jesus, are you retarded?"
Ms. LIAR: "uh no, wtf? See, I met the lead singer of Tool, not A Perfect Circle"
My super awesome lady: "Tool and APC have the same singer, dumbass"
Ms. LIAR: "..no way, you guys are wrong."
Me: "say, do you know when the new Alice in Chains album comes out?"
My lady laughed on as Ms. Mental Deficient obviously didn't get it.
She looked at me. I gave her the "who then now, bitch?" look, and decided to leave with my lady.
Overall, it was quite an experience. It's difficult to imagine someone working in such a place, and have almost no general knowledge of that particular music in question. Actually, it's not that hard to imagine. I bet the same shit would've happened at Sam Goody, as well. the only good to come out of this was the solemn pride I felt in dating someone with excellent taste in music (fashion notwithstanding). Oh, and the sexy-as-fuck thongs she would no doubt wear for me on Valentine's Day.
Life is good.
User Reviews
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2006-03-09 03:54:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You bitch as much as an emo. Get over yourself.
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-09 03:49:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You showed that emo bitch what was up way to go man. hot topic blows. tools a good band, but fuck if i'm gonna endorse them by buying anything other than their cds. not unless MJK sends me a blowjob in an envelope. no sir.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-02-26 15:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"dumber than a box of dead babies"
I like your style, sir.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-02-26 15:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TOOL RULES....SUBSEQUENTLY SO DO YOU.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-06 21:54:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a similar incident today. For background, Mark (not to be confused with Marc, my infinately cool friend), is a pompous prep-bitch. He does not play any instruments; rather, he is "strictly a critic." He is in my "Understanding the 60s" class (stfu while you're ahead, it seems like an easy 4 credits to me).
Because the course runs through '73, and because we have to do some sort of creative project for the end of the year, I wondered aloud what year Zeppelin's 4th album came out, because I'd like to do Stairway to Heaven. Mark's immediate response was how TOTALLY blase and overused it is, and besides, it came out in '76.
Came out in...1976? Got it. Make a note of this, the rest of you.
Wikipedia say: "Released November 8, 1971."
O he of little mindpower.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-02-06 21:36:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I know who Maynard James Keenan is and I'm a big fan of APC and Tool.
That being said, you sound like one of those whiny music snobs.
-1 DIE.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-06 21:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wal-mart.
yeah, right.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-06 17:58:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
next time, do your shopping at Wal-Mart, for all your Leann Rimes needs..
Submitted by hoojAmAphut (user info) at 2006-02-06 13:51:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"you know, those "hi, im new! Narf!" vibes"
LoL... I love pinky and the brain.. oh.. and on a side note, hot topic blows balls
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-06 02:35:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
MJK is a small mofo...
And you want shitty musical knowlegde in a music store?
There's an "indy" store here in Denver, and EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE is a dirty hippy.
Ask them about ANY other type of music, and they look around, scratch their shirts, say "maaaaan" or something and point to the back with a "I think it's over there somewhere."
Good times.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-05 20:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-02-05 16:53:18 (#)
Ranking: -1
"I thought about when I was their age, hanging out with my buds playing halo"
So that was what, two years ago? So you're 18 now and already you're lecturing us on how much wiser you are then the 16 year olds? Huh.
And hell with the kinks. The Pixies and The Fall are where it's at.
------------------------------------------------------------------
i was 18 when halo came out.
and yeah, to hell with the kinks.
and to hell with the pixies, the fall, and all that other emo shit you kids listen to nowadays.
for jesus fuck sake, would it kill you little depressed fake bastards to listen to some metallica aevery once in a while?
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-02-05 16:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
"I thought about when I was their age, hanging out with my buds playing halo"
So that was what, two years ago? So you're 18 now and already you're lecturing us on how much wiser you are then the 16 year olds? Huh.
And hell with the kinks. The Pixies and The Fall are where it's at.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:03:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mom is a demented monkey fucker.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-02-05 12:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Narf.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-02-05 10:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forty six and two just ahead of me.
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-02-05 06:19:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What I have heard from tool I loved. A perfect circle I haven't really listened to...but the emo kids at my school listen to them and uhh....bright eyes...
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-02-05 04:51:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You sure showed her what for.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-02-05 00:44:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by belowground (user info) at 2006-02-04 17:23:21 (#)
Ranking: 1
Rev. Maynard is great, and you make a few humorous points, but this story is kind of weak.
I agree, except for Maynard being great and the story is extremely weak.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2006-02-04 23:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't the slightest clue where it came from or who the band is, someone sent me the link randomly
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-02-04 23:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy, very low maintenance. Hell, sometimes it has to be a holiday before I even consider showering. Yeah, I'm that manly."
heh
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-02-04 23:03:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-04 22:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
where the fuck did you find that DMD?
and, is that maynard in the Texans, or CAD?
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2006-02-04 22:25:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
easily the best project maynard has ever been involved in:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1771559290279971930&q=tool
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2006-02-04 20:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm the same way with Megadeth, Damn Metallica Fans.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-02-04 18:17:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-04 17:33:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
apparently tool is touring again?
They're headlining some show in Cali, that includes animal collective and tv on the radio.
I'm not sure when the new album comes out, but i'm fucking amped.
=============
No official date has been set, but the word is sometime in may, according to their site.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-02-04 18:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mother is a demented monkey fucker.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-04 18:06:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really don't care about the inner-workings of these bands.
If they play good music, cool, other than that I don't give a shit.
But I hate Hot Topic, and those people, so +2
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2006-02-04 17:41:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tool
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-04 17:33:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
apparently tool is touring again?
They're headlining some show in Cali, that includes animal collective and tv on the radio.
I'm not sure when the new album comes out, but i'm fucking amped.
Submitted by belowground (user info) at 2006-02-04 17:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Rev. Maynard is great, and you make a few humorous points, but this story is kind of weak.