Tales of the Supermarket: The Old Woman and the Shopping Cart (2639 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.91 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Echo (View user info) at 2006-02-04 22:46:04 EST
When I was 17, I worked at Big Y. My official title was Front End Clerk, but that's just because that looks better on a resumé or application than my actual job - Cart Wrangler.
When I first got the job, all I was allowed to do was bag groceries.
"Paper or plastic?"
"Paper or plastic?"
All day long with that menial shit.
"Oh, you want paper in plastic. No problem, sir. Although asking me for paper in plastic is the leading cause of crushed fruit and overturned cakes".
After a while, I was trained as a cashier. After my first day working the register I had a dream where I stood in my aisle and rang up items. That's it. That was the whole dream, but it lasted 8 fucking hours.
I knew cart wrangling was in my future and after 50 dollars and a handful of Big Y rewards coins fell through the black hole in my tray, I was moved outside, given a lasso and cowboy hat and told to start wranglin'.
One of my co-wranglers was a guy in his twenties - Andrew. Autistic Andrew for short. He was retarded. I don't know what kind but for alliteration purposes, he was called Autistic Andrew. And Autistic Andrew loved to wrangle.
When Autistic Andy wasn't working, I'd collect carts for 20 minutes then take the next 40 off. Not exactly a demanding schedule, but it was all I was willing to do for $7.35 per hour.
When Autistic Andy was working, I didn't collect any carts. I had never seen anyone handle the lot with such ferocity, and I haven't seen anyone do better since. Sometimes I felt bad that I was getting paid to watch him work, so I'd steal him a Gatorade and Crunch bar.
Anyway, whenever I was working with Autistic Andy, I'd spend most of the time sitting in my car, consuming whatever I had stolen and didn't feel like giving him.
On one Lazy Sunday, Autistic Andy was wrangling up the cattle while I was smoking a cigarette in my car, scanning the half empty parking lot. I wasn't looking for anything in particular. Just something less depressing than watching a retard do my job.
In the row of spaces in front of me was a blue Saab. There was a man in the front seat, facing me. He didn't notice I was staring at him because he was preoccupied with something. I didn't know what at the time.
As I watched this guy do nothing, another car rolled in. The woman behind the wheel must have been 85 and I'm pretty sure she didn't know she was driving a car. She managed to pull squarely into a space though, just three away from the man in the blue Saab.
As she pulled fully into the space, she bumped a lone cart that Autistic Andy hadn't gotten to yet.
That nudge turned the front wheels of the cart downhill, and the cart started to move. As the cart turned 90 degrees, it caught the eye of the man in the blue Saab. The cart was moving slowly, but picking up speed. Still, there was time for the guy to stop it. Yet, he did nothing. He just stared at it like it was an oncoming train. A few more moments of suspense and - SLAM - right into the bumper.
As the cart made impact with the Swedish machine, it startled the woman in the passenger seat, who was blowing the guy at the time.
As the man in the blue Saab struggled to tuck his fully erect penis into his pants, the old woman got out of her car, completely oblivious to what had just transpired. She wandered towards the front door and got about a dozen paces away from her car when the guy finally made it out of his.
I imagine he screamed something like "What the fuck!" but who the hell knows. It didn't matter what he said; she didn't hear a word of it.
After being interrupted mid-fellatio, the man was understandably enraged. Still, he could have let it go or caught up to her and explained what just happened and hope her insurance didn't expire in 1965. He decided to do something a little more unorthodox.
He grabbed the cart, turned it around and like a charging rhino, took off straight for the old woman's car.
He slammed into the fender at full steam and managed to smash her headlight and cause some paint damage to the bumper - far worse than what she had done to his car. After an interrupted blowjob, I can't say I blame him.
With a smug smile, he got in his car and drove away and I went back to work, helping Autistic Andrew wrangle carts.
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-12-16 10:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://stuff.ubersite.com/11564810315827659/1/Miss-goatse.jpg
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-03 19:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-03 19:03:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:08:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
--------------------
you don't love me anymore?
==========================
Trollop. Hang on while I adjust that -2 I gave you.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-03 19:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:08:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
--------------------
you don't love me anymore?
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:08:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-02 22:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i wish i had the patience to write like this more often. unfortunately i'm too lazy and like i said, impatient, to all the shit in my notebook into stories.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-02-06 21:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it makes me a perfect example of American ideals when every time I see a mentally/physically handi-capped person I want to wash my hands.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-02-06 21:04:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrRobertHand (user info) at 2006-02-06 17:58:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nicely written. Keep in mind, thought, that those "huge" grocery chains are almost all pretty local relatively, so no one has any idea what you're talking about by just saying the name.
----------------
i realize that now that i checked their website. they're only located in connecticut and massachusettes. still fairly large though, but only around here.
still, the title should give it away.
Submitted by DrRobertHand (user info) at 2006-02-06 17:58:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nicely written. Keep in mind, thought, that those "huge" grocery chains are almost all pretty local relatively, so no one has any idea what you're talking about by just saying the name.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-06 17:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fun...back in the day, we'd take shopping carts in the parking lot of the Capitol Hill Safeway, which was slanted, and push them down the lot.
We were at the top of the lot, so all we add do to is aim the carts and let gravity do the rest..ah good times, good times...
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-02-06 09:33:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My Van is helluva tough. Any suckah touch my van, that foo' better be ready to be thrown!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-06 09:17:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Special people rock.
Yeah I fucking said special people.
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2006-02-06 08:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking gold. Absolute gold. We have a retarded wrangler at my work. His name is Matt. We call him Bucket. Poor Bucket.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-02-06 08:39:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-06 08:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh, you want paper in plastic. No problem, sir. Although asking me for paper in plastic is the leading cause of crushed fruit and overturned cakes".
You had me here.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-06 06:53:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Andrew. Autistic Andrew for short.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-02-06 05:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-06 05:40:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's the crushing meniality of it all.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-06 05:40:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's the crushing meniality of it all.
Submitted by Demos74 (user info) at 2006-02-06 05:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow...thats....uncanny, I used to work at this shitty grocery shop called Reams, with an autistic guy. And I used to do the exact same thing, sit my ass ontop of a pile of Bags full of De-icing salt, smoke, and watch him wrangle.
I remember when the bagger there got sick of his job, and told the 90 year old lady to "take your own fucking grocerys to your car, you lazy whore!" ....priceless.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-02-06 01:36:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot how fucking awesome this is!
Wait. No I didn't.
This is fucking awesome!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-05 23:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-02-05 20:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2006-02-05 19:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by bastard (user info) at 2006-02-05 19:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-02-05 16:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After a while, I was trained as a cashier. After my first day working the register I had a dream where I stood in my aisle and rang up items. That's it. That was the whole dream, but it lasted 8 fucking hours.
---------
MY GOD, that happened to me once. I worked til close, slept and had the aforementioned dream, woke and had to return to work to open the store. WOrking the register.
AAAAAAAAAAARGH
I ought to give you a -2 for bringing back work memories!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe shit bit his dick in suprise.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking HUGE burn blister.
Did I say burn blister? I meant herpes blister.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-05 11:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on.
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-02-05 03:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking brilliant.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-02-05 00:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of a time I was getting dome from a reatarded old woman and a saab threw up all over my cart so I blamed the cigarette smoker for growing vegetables on his bingus.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-02-04 23:46:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by RonArtestPunch (user info) at 2006-02-04 23:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Back in High School i had a similar experience working at a Bi-Lo and having to fetch carts. Shit sucked. +2 good story.
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2006-02-04 23:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i can touchtype with 1hand so i can masturbate with the other.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-02-04 23:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Biy Y is a supermarket chain. Pretty big, too. Where do you live?
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-02-04 23:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit. Funny shit.
Thoughts I had while reading this:
1. What's a "Big Y"?
2. MmMmMMmmmm... overturned cakes.
3. Oh man, I hate when money disappeared from my cash trays in the retail world and -I- got blamed for it.
4. I wish I could watch a retard do my job.
5. I could REALLY go for some head right now.
...time to go gag the girlfriend...
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-02-04 22:52:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
blowjob-interruptus = +2
Submitted by belowground (user info) at 2006-02-04 22:50:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.