Make My Funk the P. Funk! (709 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JTC (View user info) at 2006-02-05 04:28:07 EST
Most people believe that they'll have a life changing experience at some point. It might be a car wreck, a fire, a terrible disease, the death of someone close to them. For me its a little different.
As I recall, it was a dreary evening following a dreary day, one of a slew of them recently, quite uncharacteristic of good ol' Indiana summers. There's not much of a night life in Indy; we've earned the shared right to the name Naptown by boasting one of the most boring night-time downtowns in the country. Consequently there were often weekend house parties, though at times that word's a bit of a stretch. Sometimes bitches just won't drink, dig?
One such "party" was being held on this particular weekend at a good friend's lakehouse a ways from the city. It was no big deal to travel an hour or two to get to these things, not when they were weekend things. All were having a few drinks--it was only the first day, and people start to hate you when you vomit on them the first day. Due to the constant drizzle outside, everyone felt confined to the great indoors, yet as well furnished as it was, it was still indoors. At some point in the evening--probably around eleven or twelve--the rain let up and I headed outside to get in some quality stargazing time. I was alone in my venturing outdoors, but glad for the temporary solitude. Besides, I don't particulary care for drunk people having sex around me. It's not my thing.
I grabbed a towel on the way out and wiped off one of the benches down on the lake. This far away from the city there was a beautiful view of the sky, and now that the clouds had passed over I was going to take full advantage of it. I know it sounds a little strange, but when you've lived around a big city all your life, looking up and seeing the stars is kind of fun. I leaned back and stared up into the sky, and that's when it got crazy.
One of the stars started to move. At first I passed it off as an airplane. As it started getting bigger, the thought crossed my mind that I was about to be probed by aliens. Perhaps I'd have a few too many drinks after all. It wasn't a UFO, because UFOs didn't exist.
But it was. This flying saucer raced over the lake and came to a stop just in front of me on the water. It settled down into the lake and a door popped open. I shook my head...and immediately regretted it, almost falling off my bench. Light poured out of the door, enough to illuminate the ground in front of the ship. Something stepped out. It was wearing a shiny suit. It turned around and slammed the door shut, then turned back to face me.
I stared at it for a while, outlined by the stars. It had a huge head. My eyes readjusted. No, he had a normal sized head, just a lot of hair. He had a guitar strapped around him. I slowly came to the realization that this was not an alien, and that I would likely not be probed. I sat there for a few more minutes, puzzled, until it hit me. "P. FUNK!" I yelled at him. He tipped his hair at me, and then said, to my pasty white ass, "What up, funk brotha?" I was speechless.
P. Funk pulled his guitar over his head and set it up against the bench, then sat down next to me. I was still speechless. P. Funk pulled out a pair of sunglasses and put them on, then pulled out another pair and offered them to me. I managed a smile as I took them from him, but hesitated a moment before putting them on. I looked over at him and said, in my best P. Funk impression, "Let me put my sunglasses on."
A grin crept over his face and he quickly came back with, "That's the law around here, you got to wear your sunglasses so you can feel cool."
I put them on, adjusted them, then looked back at him. "Gangsta lean."
We sat there a while longer in silence. "And to think I thought that funk was dead! Yeah I can recall in the seventies when everybody was screamin' 'Make my funk the P. Funk!' Yeeea, those were the good times, ha ha!"
"I suppose funk isn't what is used to be. You know, I wasn't around when most of your music was released, but once I got turned on to it a few years ago, I haven't been the same. Funk moves, man. It moves AND removes."
"Shit I know how funk can move. I am funk, dig? Funk brought the world together. Funk removed racial prejudice. For a short time, when you were in the funk, everything was good. All the drugs you did, all the hate that was goin' on, all the war you seen, all the unfunkified citizens of society--it all dissapeared, left you floating in a whole world of funk. Funk is more than music, funk is a *state of mind.*"
I nodded in agreement. "I've never heard it put that way, but thinking about it, I can't disagree. If everyone knew about funk..."
"What you mean 'if' everybody knew about funk? Everybody know about funk! How can somebody not know about funk?"
"I don't know P. Funk, but there are people out there who hear the name 'Parliament' and think you're talking about Parliament. You say 'George Clinton' and they ask if he was related to the President, some illegitimate half-brother."
P. Funk looked concerned for a second, then settled back. "Well if they don't got funk today, what do they got? They got to have something."
"Hmm...No, no I don't think they do. Nothing to get lost in, nothing as entrancing as funk. Most of them are too stuck on whatever the current social trend is to even consider funk. Guess its just not the in thing."
"If they don't wanna know, forget 'em."
"That's not funk..."
P. Funk shrugged. "Well Thin Lizzy just got to it before we did. Aw you know we woulda funked that up!"
"You know, I'm a bit curious as to why you're here. I figured you'd died or gone into hiding or something. And what's with the spaceship?"
"Aw that? How am I gonna catch the Mothership Connection without my unfunky UFO? Haha! Ho! well its a little gift from my extraterrestrial funk brothers. They picked up the P. Funk on an FM station sent into outer space and nothings been the same for them since. They're what earth shoudla been, and that's why I'm here, P. Funk is gonna tear the roof off the sucka and the whole place'll be funkioactive for years."
"You'd make quite a show at any local club, I can tell you that, but they might take you for...well, a bit on the crazy side."
P. Funk seemed to mull over the thought for a while. "Damn son, you're right and I know it. And you know what that means? I tell you what that means, that means its up to you, up to you and the rest of your funkified friends, spread the power of funk!"
P. Funk stood up and turned to me. "You got some funky vibes and you use 'em well, but I got a million more funk babies to visit. Someday I might make it back to you." He turned away and walked to his ship, then hopped in, yelling as the door closed, "FUNK ON BABY! FUNK ON!" He took off, presumably to find more supporters of funk. I watched the ship recede into the sky until it was just another star. I must've sat there for hours, staring up into the sky. It started raining again eventually. Time to go back in. Doubtful anyone would believe the P. Funk story, so I might as well go on to the next best thing.
I ran out to my car and flipped through some CDs. Ah, there it was: "Parliament: Mothership Connection."
User Reviews
Submitted by bruzwuld (user info) at 2007-11-11 08:00:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant ! Such an unusual idea, and wonderfully written.
Let the Funk be with you !
Submitted by LedHead (user info) at 2006-03-27 20:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yams! I'm back bitch!
Submitted by BlueEyedDevil (user info) at 2006-02-06 18:06:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You say 'George Clinton' and they ask if he was related to the President, some illegitimate half-brother."
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Last year I invited my girlfriend (at that time) to a George Clinton P-Funk concert. Having seen one of his shows a couple years prior, I went on and on about what a great show it was gonna be, etc, etc...After about 10 minutes of excitedly telling her how much fun we were gonna have, she gave me a blank look and said "so we're going to see Bill Clinton's brother in concert?"
God, what a stupid bitch she was (and still is I'm sure) Didn't even get to see the show because we were constantly fighting. I wish I had some nude pics of her so I could post em here on Uber...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-06 17:44:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got a secret for you...Sir Nose D'voidoffunk? = SHLONGY.
pass it on.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cuz I got to see George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars live.
And I loved it.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-02-06 09:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck George Clinton, Bootsy is the man. George Clinton only had the idea to change names every 4 years to get out of contracts.
"Ah, the name is Bootsy, baby!"
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2006-02-05 06:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(other than the Funkmaster General)
You. Are. The. MAN!
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-02-05 04:37:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I still have the sunglasses. They are locked in a chest which is locked in a safe which is buried somewhere in the Arizona desert at a location that only I know of.
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-02-05 04:30:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahaha....Naptown