A Culture of Growing Mold (1055 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.57 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2006-02-05 14:48:34 EST
There comes a time in every man's life when he just feels the unshakable urge to urinate on an alter boy. There also comes a time in every man's life when he realizes that still won't cover up the smell of old church ladies and their cheap Sunday cologne.
There is just something about the smell of a freshly excavated coffin full of animal pheromones that gets the blood pumpin'! I can't quite put my finger on it...
I wonder if people who were born with no hands really understand anything at all. I wonder, sometimes, if they're all just running around unable to ever really put a finger on anything. That's food for thought...
I wonder if Ethiopians have food for thought... If not, we should definitely give them some, because those people are in bad shape from what I hear...(flat).
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, yes, but GOOD GOD, MAN! These people NEED doctors! I say stop sending them apples as soon as possible! We can't just go traipsing around the globe, madly dispersing doctor-repelling apples whenever we feel like it! People are dying here!
I am confident that by ceasing all apple production we can create a better world for our children, and by stringing that Johnny Appleseed motherfucker up in the nearest tree while we eat peaches and brandish pitchforks, we'll be doing generations to come an invaluable service. Then those bastards kids will OWE US!
If one good turn deserves another, eventually you're gonna end up with one very curvy road! I say one good turn deserves a good straight stretch. You know...to give our arms a break from steering. Plus, we'll be much closer to walking the straight and narrow then...even if we are driving.
And for that matter, tightrope walkers walk the straight and narrow all the time, but you don't see my scrawny ass tempting fate like that. I prefer candy in all my temptation activities - but usually just to avoid using apples.
It's like my momma always told me, you catch more flies with honey...but goddammit, mom, that's not the same as candy is it!? And besides, I'm not wasting my perfectly good honey on catching a few measley flies. They're barely even a morsel.
Let them find their own fucking honey! In fact, we'll set up a video camera in the bee hive and film the ensuing fight. FLIES vs.BEES in a battle royale. We'll put it on pay per view at halftime during the Superbowl.
On second thought, scratch that...
No, right there...
No, higher...
THERE...
Ahhhhhhh yeahhhhhh.... That's the ticket.
I'll just sit out a pot of honey and wait for a couple bears to come along and eat them instead. TAKE THAT, GRIZZLY MAN! Kinda hard to save the bears when you're DEAD ain't it!
Well, you know what they always say, when life gives you lemons, thank your lucky stars it wasn't apples...
...and when you find yourself at the business end of an 800lb. grizzly bear, make sure you've at least removed the lens cap. Because it's the least you can do if you've made us sit through an hour and a half of your overly romanticized view of nature to feed our Roman thirst for violence and gore.
(You won't understand any of that last part unless you've seen the documentary Grizzly Man, about that guy who did some stuff out in the thing with those things and eventually just...ah fuck it.)
Anyway [seamless segue], I wonder if George Bush will write an autobiography at some point. I won't buy it unless it has lots of pop-up pictures. I think the prospect of reading a George Bush book without those little action tabs you can pull to make people move and stuff is just too depressing to express in words. But, seeing as I seem to have made it a habit of watching C-SPAN lately, (the Alito hearings were absolutely RIVETING), I'd probably be entertained by a culture of growing mold.
*looks at last week's coffee cup on desk*
...
...
...
OH MY GOD! LOOK A THAT!
User Reviews
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2006-02-06 12:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by bastard (user info) at 2006-02-05 19:22:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
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Gee thanks.
...that was pretty funny
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-02-06 08:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-06 05:08:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was strangely compelling.
-Dave
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-06 05:43:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Genius.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-06 05:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was strangely compelling.
-Dave
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-02-06 04:50:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if people who were born with no hands really understand anything at all. I wonder, sometimes, if they're all just running around unable to ever really put a finger on anything. That's food for thought...
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I'm robbing that. Mine now.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-06 04:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-05 19:54:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls get the altar boy golden shower urge, too. You should try it. It's even more satisfying than you'd think.
/
really enjoyed
Submitted by Demos74 (user info) at 2006-02-06 04:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2006-02-06 01:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait...I think I see Mary?!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-05 23:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-02-05 21:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
altar boy = religious
alter boy = Method
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-02-05 21:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking gay.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-05 20:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are girls that serve the Mass today in some parishes. Perhaps you can bear a good Catholic son you can live through vicariously?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-02-05 20:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What I wanna know is, why couldn't they have been alter GIRLS? Cute ones in tartan skirts and blouses that expose their belly buttons? And why can't we take the eucharist directly from their mouths or their yawning vaginas?
That's my idea of a sacrament.
I might even convert to Catholicism if that were the case.
What am I saying!?!? I would be there every Sunday. Hell, I'd even go for Bingo.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-05 19:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls get the altar boy golden shower urge, too. You should try it. It's even more satisfying than you'd think.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-02-05 19:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bastard (user info) at 2006-02-05 19:22:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
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Gee thanks.
Submitted by bastard (user info) at 2006-02-05 19:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-02-05 16:08:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well, good for my sunday afternoon short attention span.
I was figuring you'd watched the grizzly man documentary this weekend; far before you said it.
What an interesting character.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:31:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:19:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
Given the title, I thought this was going to be a tribute to Uber.
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Well, that's just a retarded comparison given that mold rarely grows on freshly laid turds.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Given the title, I thought this was going to be a tribute to Uber.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful segue from your heavier-than-lead political posts.
I almost crapped my skivs in a couple of places.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uhh ... WHAT?
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:06:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that reminds me...i'm out of penicillin
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-02-05 15:05:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if people who were born with no hands really understand anything at all. I wonder, sometimes, if they're all just running around unable to ever really put a finger on anything. That's food for thought...
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this made me chuckle.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-05 14:51:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Joe Ed would be so proud.