A River Of Blood (649 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.57 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ben Kraft <real_life_cowboy.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-02-06 10:04:23 EST
How the hell is it going people of Uber. This is my first post ever and it probably wont make any sence because it is a big long rant but what the hell did Jim Morrison make any sence, did Edgar Allen Poe make any sence....fuck man I dont know. Also I realize since it is my first post that people will tear me a new a asshole and critique me because they think theyre stuff is better than mine, which in all actuallity it most likely is.
I will start of by saying thatn the last week, my hope in human existance has been reduced to a very low number, almost nonexistant. Well I shouldnt start off quite that dark, I have to happy size it. So a guy walks into a bar right, he sits down all is well he pulls out a 10 spot and says to the bartendar, ill have a pint of were.....f..u..c..k..e..d.
Your probably wondering where im going with this so I am going to tell you, but i hope your stomach is empty. For the love of everything righteous and most importantly sane in the world, I hope your ready for a bloodfeast.
I want to tell you all first that my soul died today, the moment I realized were all going to die, well all the people not deployed oversees right now in the middle east, pretty much everyone but me will live happy lives with gum drop smiles, my soul however currently resides in the same place as Shannon Hoon (the lead singer of blind melon), Janis Joplin, and John Kennedy all of them ever saintly in there own way. Kennedy mainly a saint because he was an awesome president who did marylin monroe and we fucking loved him for it, (You da man Kennedy, you da fuckin man,) he did great things, but he porked marylin monroe like she was a greased pig, (once again my shout out goes to Kennedy, you da fuckin man bro). Alright ill get to the point now.
Earlier this week I got switched to an office which by the way is the greatest job in the entire army i might add when deployed to the Mid-Fuckin-East. Im basically a tech guy like at college, where I should be right now by the way if the MAN didnt call me up one day out of the blue and be like congrats son your going to war. You know if your computer illiterate you call up the It desk and theyre like ok your dumb this is how you fix your problem. I basically troubleshoot stuff and what not. Monday i go learn how to network and baseline computers all great jobs for the real world and awesome skills that will actually apply to me when I get out of this shitbox and back home to the real world. Needless to say this job kicks ass, not to mention I currently surf the web about 6 hours a day while im on the job, and they love me for it.
Well we get some ridiculously dumb questions here like ridiculous stuff. I had a Major call me and was wondering why his computer was not connecting to the internet. His problem was the computer was not plugged into a wall. Now normally I would have been like ok dumb mistake it happens. So I went on my merry little pathetic Specialist/Corporal life and suddenly jumped up and exclaimed Sweet and Holy Mother of Moses, that guy was a Major. That guy is in charge of like several thousand people. Realizing this and extremely bored as I am on this job I used my trained ablities well, I typed in his last name into the soldiers account reference manual which is like basically all I use on this job, Then I saw his name John Doe MAJ so clicked on it and saw words ,the words I didnt expect to see and hoped I wouldn't, the words appeared before me like a salami sandwich appears to Ashley Olsen. TANKER BATTALLION COMMANDER. This guy was in partly in charge of a Tanker Battalion. Now im not a genious but if a guy cant turn on a computer he probably should not be leading about a 100 tanks into battle. I can see there cruel fate now. 100 artillery rounds shooting straight up in the air and blowing themselves up like one last and final last desperate attempt, as to not give the kill credit to the enemy. While the song Goodbye Blue Sky by Pink Floyd echoes in the background. Realizing this about atroscity my heart and soul died. So I looked outside and with no gum drop smile on my face I looked up at the sky and said. Are you there god, and then the rain came down and poured over my sad browe. So I went back to computer and then went to lunch where I ate a corndog.
Today a sadder thing happened, something that made my heart ache even more. My heart and soul now ache like the Ultimate Warriors right before he had his heart attack due to roids, it aches like a dying old man's who has seen the horrors of war up close and personal who is reflecting on his youth. It burns with such fury, anger and passion that Yeats, and Whitman would be proud of. Today Uber readers my heart and soul are both silenced like the lambs.
You see I have been on a quest since I got here. I have been on a crusade...for beer, I see myself as the modern King Arthur, and John Wayne (a little bit more of a pussy compared to John Wayne, he was all that was Man, a mans man) and today I came to the end of that quest, I spoke to a guy today about getting hold of some beer. Not that near beer stuff we get here with 0.3 alcohol I'm talking about the good stuff the real stuff true american Bud light the stuff back home. We exchanged some words and I was hooked I was willing to sell what was left of my soul. Thats when he said how much it could cost me for a case. Apparantly my soul is worth a lot less than 200 dollars. That's the price around here 200 dollars for a case of beer. 9 bucks a beer. I realize now that mankind is no help to me, when the chips are down, and right now they are crumbs, humanity did not come to my aid. So today I spit on humanity and Damn the Man (However I always damn the man so this is nothing unusual, spitting on humanity is not normal for me though)
Now for out there if there are any who dont think I care for America, I acually love it, I embrace it, well I really embrace the idea of America. I embrace the fact that our founding fathers created a great system that could be changed to the times because they knew they were not perfect. However certain people have come along and ruined that system, mainly the people that work at fox news and the Bush administration. Im going to tell you man that theres a storm a brewing over the sea man theres a squall coming to the world. Its the fact that oil is a dying resourse, its inter-racial conlict, its North Korea, and America's fear of systems that work on paper but they know will never work in the real world. Its consumerism and mankinds need for more more more, its global warming and global recession, and most importantly its the worlds infatuation with violence. Basically John I hope your doing what I am doing right now, I hope your grabbing surfboard, grabbing your best surf wax and spending the last bit of money you own into the sweetest pair of board shorts you have ever seen and are hitting up the gym. Because the bloods going to flow man and its gonna be a fucking river, and when the river of blood comes im not going to be washed up in it man im going to surf the son of a bitch like I got one last ride and a fucking chance.
Peace out Mother Fuckers.
(ill probably get torn a new one now).
User Reviews
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-05-26 11:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I licked a nun once. Tasted of cabbage.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:49:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-02-07 06:20:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow, this really does suck.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-02-07 00:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:07:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
I had to give up reading this. My head started hurting.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2006-02-06 22:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't even read it, I'm just going along with the crowd.
But I'm still going to call you a pompous tit, just for good measure.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-02-06 21:51:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I read the first paragraph, started on the first few words of the second, then my ADD kicked in and told me, "This kid has a horrible rating because this post sucks. +2!"
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2006-02-06 21:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Holy SHIT this was bad
Even by my standards
Submitted by BusinessMan (user info) at 2006-02-06 13:57:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Die
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-06 13:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
One of the reasons that I love GLALL.
The second being...Well look at his name. He very obviously needs a little lovin.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-06 13:41:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah well thank god I don't drink sugar water or eat sundaes or I don't even remember what your comment said I can't have, but now I'm going to go go ride some rollercoasters in hopes that was one of the things you mentioned.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-06 13:33:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
GLALL I am very disappointed in you!
Goto your corner!
Go!
No you can't have desert! GO!
That includes soda! NO SODAS TONIGHT!
OR TV for that matter. You will go without TV for a week!
YEAH SIT THERE! THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-06 13:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ruined what? OH, the rating.........what a travesty.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-06 13:21:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sigh.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-06 13:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-06 13:14:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, this fucking sucked.
===================
YOU ABSOLUTE TOOL!
YOU FUCKED IT!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-06 13:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, this fucking sucked.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-02-06 13:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No one cares, kid. Come back when you can string two words together.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-06 12:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Of 83,500 posts on this site, how does it feel to be the author of the worst rated one?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-06 12:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-06 11:36:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
You're kidding, right? I thought that 'loss of blood due to defecation or sexual experimentation' was a pretty big theme in my -2 writing.
Maybe the form was different.
----------------
he still warranted one of your magical review poems. wow must be extra bad.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-02-06 12:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for the sheer girth of this post.
it's way too bulky.
You need to write
like this..
and
like
this..
asshole.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-06 12:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
absolute incoherent drivel.
dont mock officers, buddy. theyre better than you.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-06 11:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-06 11:36:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
You're kidding, right? I thought that 'loss of blood due to defecation or sexual experimentation' was a pretty big theme in my -2 writing.
Maybe the form was different.
----
I meant the form. Thought I wrote "form" somewhere in there.
You know this practically deserves Worst Post of 2006.
Submitted by Broken_Bird (user info) at 2006-02-06 11:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow even worse than my first post.....
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-02-06 11:38:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Kraft - you gonna get a tossin'!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-06 11:36:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're kidding, right? I thought that 'loss of blood due to defecation or sexual experimentation' was a pretty big theme in my -2 writing.
Maybe the form was different.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-06 11:33:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
O-man that is different than anything (in my memory) you have done. Good job.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-06 11:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You sat on thirteen dildos and
You had myself a time
You had a warm milk enema
To keep you feeling fine
You pulled out "The Crusader"
(that's your biggest, fattest toy)
You slammed yourself down on that muv
And screamed with pain and joy
A river of blood
A river of blood
A river of blood on your floor
A river of blood
A river of blood
Your anus is fucked, to be sure
"Zounds! I am undone!" you cried
Your butthole full of rubber
The tears came from your tight-shut eyes
As you began to blubber
Thirteen inches in your ass
Still sliding deep, so wet
From lifeblood pouring from your bung,
Its knot a torn-up wreck
A river of blood
A river of blood
A river of blood from your butt
A river of blood
A river of blood
Your asshole will never stay shut
If only you'd just done this deed
And shanked yourself with dicks,
You'd have never done this post
And we'd have never clicked,
I have but one suggestion, pudstain:
Never post again
Go purchase a "Crusader"
Do us proud, and slam it in.
A river of blood
A river of blood
A river of blood 'tween your thighs
A river of blood
A river of blood
Now run along, minus two die
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-06 11:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-06 11:04:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
I saw this was rated -2 on 15 reviews, and thought "It can't be THAT bad."
But it was.
Seriously, being scratched in the face by a grizzly bear would be less painful than reading more of your shit.
----
I know what you mean.
A solid -2. We need TL to come here and be nice, giving him a -1.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-06 11:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I saw this was rated -2 on 15 reviews, and thought "It can't be THAT bad."
But it was.
Seriously, being scratched in the face by a grizzly bear would be less painful than reading more of your shit.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
For all the obvious/usual reasons.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
after the sixth "sence" i just couldn't deal with it any more.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:41:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Holy fuck you're retarded.
We could have given a blind, one armed downer a typewriter and some ice-cream and he eventually would have churned out something more intelligible than this.
Do yourself a favour and stick to things you're good at, like clearing mine-fields and quality testing hand grenades.
Submitted by Douglas (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:41:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you can't write.
Stop trying.
For eveybody else's sake.
Submitted by JesterOfUnnamedGods (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:39:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope you get shot by a camel jockey.......This post is terrible.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:33:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wot Bob sed.
-Dave
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
the gay syphillis has finally reached your brain
seek a shotgun immediatly and kill yourself and those within 10 feet of you so it does not spread
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I was determined to give this a chance after reading the comments below but it's true - this is painful.
And no wonder the campaign's going so badly if people like you are in charge of the technical infrastructure.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this would have been halfway impressive if you had just sat down and started banging your fists on the keys. i mean, 30% of these words are real and that has to be some sort of record.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:10:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's never too late to have a full frontal lobotomy
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:07:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I had to give up reading this. My head started hurting.
Submitted by Agent_Smith (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
holy fuck you are retarded
Go sit in the corner with Electro and think about what you've done.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate when people read stuff and say "I got to this line (something you wrote) and gave up. -2". Seriously. I hate that. So whenever I hit a line like that I try and force myself to keep going.
That first paragraph though was like trying to drive a Mercedes through a tree. It's a good effort, but in the end it's not worth bashing your ass out against it.
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2006-02-06 10:06:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't mean to be uppity or judgemental, but I just will not read something that opens with a mistake like "sence". And I will also give it a -2.