I had a monster living under my bed. I know because I made it (1858 hits)
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Rating: 1.97 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-02-07 06:49:18 EST
"What would you have me do, master?" Asked my hunched over assistant, as he hobbled towards me, obviously desperate to please.
"You know what you need to do." I said, looking at him with a stern face.
Slowly he dropped himself to his knees and shuffled towards me. "Not that!" I yelled. "Dickhead." Bill pulled himself back up to his feet and looked rejected. "Go get the fucking eel."
"But...sir?" Bill looked concerned.
"You dare question me, Bill?" I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small drill.
"No, sir. I'll get the eel."
Bill hobbled away out of the room.
While he was gone, I looked down at the body in front of me, lying in the pool of water. Completely submerged, the water seemed to magnify the proportions of the figure, exaggerating the scars and bumps that covered it.
I started to laugh manically. When I heard myself, I realised it sounded a bit camp, so I deepened it to a more evil laugh. Still camp, so I gave up and waited for Bill.
A few minutes passed, so I went and got a beer out of the fridge. Twisting the screw cap off, I heard the familiar, satisfying fizz as gas escaped the glass neck. Before I closed the fridge I took pity on Bill and took another beer out for him. He'd done well, after all.
I took a few swigs from the neck before Bill stumbled back through the door, the big, bulky tank in his hands. The water was swishing about, but managed to stay in the tank, as the eel swam in tight circles around it.
"Hey, Bill," I called. "Think fast!" I threw him the beer that he was supposed to catch, which hit him in the face instead. He dropped the tank, smashing it to pieces and flooding the floor. The suddenly free eel began flailing about on the wooden floor.
"Bill!" I yelled. "Quickly, get it before it dies!" I took another drink from my beer, while Bill nursed his bleeding nose.
"I have no gloves, sir." He said humbly.
"Just pick it up and drop it in quickly." I drank some more of my beer and began to wonder what I was paying him for. Sometimes a pittance seems too much for some people.
Bill scrabbled around on the floor, unable to come close to picking the eel up, until finally he snatched it and lifted it up over the large, metal pool. Almost instantly Bill began shaking in fits, as the electric eel fought back against Bill, rooting him to the spot.
By the time I'd finished off my beer, Bill was still stood in the same spot, struggling as much as he could (which wasn't much) and unable to drop the eel, which obviously didn't understand the situation.
"Get in there, you pussy." I said, throwing a chair at Bill's back, knocking him forwards, eel and all, into the large pool of water.
Instantly there was bubbles and fizzy. Bill's body went limp and his feet, that had been kicking out from the water drooped. I turned to my monitor, checking the vitals of the body in the water.
They were all over the place, with the eel still thrashing and electrocuting anything it came close to, which, unfortunately for Bill, seemed to him the majority of the time.
I went over to the beer that Bill had failed to catch, twisted the cap and began to drink whilst enjoying the show. After I'd finished the beer, I turned the large wheel that was at the bottom of the tank.
A large plug hole opened at the bottom and the water began to drain out, sucking the eel out with it. I still wasn't too sure where the water went, but I had faith it was somewhere pleasant for eels to live. After all, by this point there were about thirty there.
I left it a few more minutes, still keeping an eye on the monitor as the body's heartbeat became more regular. Brain activity increased, trying to move muscles.
Flicking three switches, three different needles came from the base of the tank and injected high levels of adrenaline into the figure. I walked over to the side of the now dry pool and looked in.
I pulled Bill out of the way, and his dead body dropped to the floor next to the tank. A pittance saved is a pittance earned, I told myself and refused to feel bad.
Looking down at my creation, I watched closely. Slowly the eyes opened and the fingers and forearms began to move.
"It's alive!" I screamed, not caring about camp. "IT'S ALIVE!"
"Stop screaming!" It said to me. "Got a killer headache."
I looked down at my creature as it rubbed its head. As it caught sight of its hands the eyes grew wide in horror. Slowly it patted down its body, focusing on the chest area specifically.
"I know you must have a lot of questions. Allow me to explain."
"Where the fuck are my breasts?" It asked. "And what the fuck is going on with my voice?"
"Breasts?" I was thrown back a little bit.
"Yes. They cost me a fucking fortune to get them perfect. Now where the hell are they? If you've done something to them, my husband will fucking kill you."
"Husband?" Things were getting stranger.
"Yes. He will fucking kill you. And what is going on with my hands? Why the hell am I in a mans body?"
"You're not a man?" I turned to look at dead Bill.
"No!" My creation said.
"Goddamn it Bill!" I ran over and kicked his dead body in the hump on his back, which caved in. Quite therapeutic. "If you weren't dead, I would never trust you with anything ever again anyway!"
All the shit had to do was to get the fresh brain of a dead man. How could he fail in that?
"I demand to know what exactly is happening." Came the man's voice from the woman's brain.
So I explained over a beer.
---
She took it surprisingly well. Obviously she was a bit gutted that she had died originally. And she wasn't too happy over now being in a man's body. But with that still withstanding, she took it on the chin.
"So where am I going to live?" She asked, draining the last of her beer.
"I don't know." I said. "I haven't really thought that far ahead."
"I could sleep in your bed." I froze, moving only my head slightly to look at her, the gruff, man's face staring back at me. Slowly a single eyebrow raised on its face.
"Hell no." I said. "I ain't gay."
"I'm a woman!" It said, in manlier voice than mine. "And I have needs."
"You also have a penis and no snatch!" I said. "Amongst all other man attributes. No chance."
"Still got nipples."
"No."
"Please?"
"You can sleep under my bed." I said. "For now. Until you get a job and move out."
"Why do I have to move out?"
"You can't stay here!" I shouted. "What if I want to bring a girl home?"
"Threesome?"
After a moments hesitation I quickly declined.
---
Things were going fine for a few days, until one night I was asleep in my bed, and Susan (I discovered the creatures name) was snoring heavily underneath.
At some point during the night Susan obviously decided to try its luck, as it crept less than stealthily out from under the bed and in next to me. Instantly I woke up, in shock.
My spider-sense taking over, I instantly head-butted the threat, which happened to be Susan. Thrown into a rage over rejection, Susan swung its arm, knocking me out of my bed and across the room. My back slammed into the wall, smashing through test tubes and beakers that I left out to look scientific, but just had water and colouring in them.
Slumped on the floor, I saw Susan scream like a banshee and then dive at the window. Smashing through it, taking the entire window frame with it.
I pulled myself up and ran to the window ledge. On the ground, a floor below, Susan was just getting to its feet, seemingly fine. Letting out a huge roar, it ran off into the night.
Staying put, not wanting to get mixed up something that barely involved me I got a beer out of the fridge and hung around by the window, just in case it returned.
An hour or so later I saw a lot of villagers running out towards the village hall with burning torches, pitch forks, axes and a Ford Fiesta with barbed wire wrapped around the front.
The fire could be seen for miles and carried on burning throughout the night.
I classed the experiment as a success, as I not only managed to bring the creature to life, but I also now save a pittance a month.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-27 11:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-15 07:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-15 07:42:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish Nath was a woman, then I could claim to have seen a bearded lady.
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I was
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-15 07:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish Nath was a woman, then I could claim to have seen a bearded lady.
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-15 07:36:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
sorry, but what is the fuss about? This shouldnt be 2nd best post ever! Wanted to give a 0 but felt mean!
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-03-13 10:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this gem?!
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Excellent +2
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:12:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very Dude That's Bosh-esque... but more creative.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You can't stay here!" I shouted. "What if I want to bring a girl home?"
"Threesome?"
After a moments hesitation I quickly declined.
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solid-fucking-gold.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-02-08 15:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold Jerry, gold.
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
go kittens!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-02-07 18:57:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Exceptionally entertaining
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-07 18:15:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pittance
This word is an auto +2 generator.
The post...again, I hate you.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-07 18:09:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-02-07 17:39:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nath you make me laugh but make me feel bad about myself.
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Sorry about that mate.
Well I'm not, because I'm not sure why, but you get the sentiment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-02-07 17:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nath you make me laugh but make me feel bad about myself.
Submitted by Yoga (user info) at 2006-02-07 16:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We're not worthy, we're not worthy. Well we are, but good read for sure. I would have just changed a few things and gotten myself a manly man servant to pick my cotton.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:46:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Highly entertaining.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dr. Wankenstein
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-07 12:56:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are one of my favorite uberites.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-02-07 12:55:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-07 12:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PLUS TWO
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-07 10:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-07 10:36:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
"You can't stay here!" I shouted. "What if I want to bring a girl home?"
"Threesome?"
After a moments hesitation I quickly declined.
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This could have SO opened up another chapter in this story.
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It may yet...
probably not. Only just stopped the zombie series
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-07 10:36:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You can't stay here!" I shouted. "What if I want to bring a girl home?"
"Threesome?"
After a moments hesitation I quickly declined.
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This could have SO opened up another chapter in this story.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2006-02-07 09:42:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always enjoy your writing. Hopefully soon I'll be able to spend more than a few minutes a week here.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-02-07 09:41:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:03:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
Shame. I was going to offer payment in beer and nightbus chav ass
_______________________
Woah, you're not gettin' any help from me.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-07 09:37:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"and a Ford Fiesta with barbed wire wrapped around the front."
i wanna see the shit that you don't write down.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-07 09:05:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who would think that being stuck in a man's body would seem so creepy.
Shoulda used a lesbian brain dammit!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:56:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What would you have me do, master?" Asked my hunched over assistant, as he hobbled towards me, obviously desperate to please.
"You know what you need to do." I said, looking at him with a stern face.
==================
Buttsecks!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:51:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was the opposite of shitty.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna give you frank criticism nath. The beginning was weak. 0 to +1 weak. But having a dead female brain in a dead male body made me laugh.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:28:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:15:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:14:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is about an ex right?
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Afraid not. The only ex I've got wouldn't fit under a bed
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AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA wheeee.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you need stick figure comics, I'm your guy.
If you need regular comics, I'm your guy, too.
I can trace REAL well, and I'm sure no one would notice with different colors and stuff...
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:14:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is about an ex right?
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Afraid not. The only ex I've got wouldn't fit under a bed
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is about an ex right?
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-07 08:05:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But for you, sir, you have paid in entertainment value alone. Any problems just e-mail me
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too Shay. :)
Submitted by Affinity (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:54:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
har har
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:49:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment.
Except somethin unfunny about how much time you IT boys have on your hands, and beer.
Oh, and there's something wrong with my Internet Explorer. Can you help?
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My advice normally starts with eating a lightbulb, while the light is switched on
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:49:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment.
Except somethin unfunny about how much time you IT boys have on your hands, and beer.
Oh, and there's something wrong with my Internet Explorer. Can you help?
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's like a quality sitcom.
You've always got something to entertain me with, everyday.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
By the time I'd finished off my beer, Bill was still stood in the same spot, struggling as much as he could (which wasn't much) and unable to drop the eel, which obviously didn't understand the situation.
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Now, that is funny AND clever..whatever next !!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:38:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. Very entertaining.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:32:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:21:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
poor, poor Susan
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS is more like it!
+2.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:12:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Written well and entertaining enough to warrant use of +2-age. Decidedly unfunny comment results from lack of sugar.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shame. I was going to offer payment in beer and nightbus chav ass
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-07 07:02:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't help you mate, I have all the artistic skill of a dead platypus.
-Dave
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-07 06:59:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I want to start writing them, Dave! Just no bastard to draw them
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-07 06:57:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You really need to stop reading those comics.
-Dave
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-07 06:55:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Still got nipples."
"No."
Also, excellent use of beer.