How Well Can You Ever Really Know Someone? (1000 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.32 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BadAssJulie (View user info) at 2006-02-07 13:43:58 EST
This is simply a compilation of some memories, thoughts, and questions that have been running through my head for the past few days.
I'm not going to go into details about what happened but it's been almost two years since the death of my best friend. It sounds like such a long time when I say it out loud or read it but in my mind, it seems like it only happened yesterday and I don't know if that will ever change. I miss him so much and losing him was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. When it happened, it came as a complete shock to me though I'm not quite sure why. I always knew it was inevitable and I told him a few times what would end up happening if he didn't change his life and get his shit together.
You may be wondering why I didn't stop it from happening or at least try to if I knew it was going to happen. Well, honestly I don't think I could've prevented it. If I could have, I don't know how. Can you ever really stop someone from driving themselves into the ground? Can you help someone that doesn't want to be helped? I used to wonder if there was something I could've done but then I'd get angry and start wondering how he could be so selfish and why he didn't stop before things got out of control. I know that's kind of fucked up but it's just the way I deal with things I guess.
He was like me in a lot of ways. Some of the main qualities we shared were also some of the contributing factors in his death. He was incredibly stubborn, he wasn't the type who would accept help or listen to anyone, and he was always rushing through his life in an attempt to find something worth slowing down for. Even if I could've caught up to him in his race to find that something, I couldn't have gotten him to stop long enough to consider what I had to say. We both knew how things would end but I don't think either of us knew it would happen so soon. He never did find whatever it was he was seeking.
His twenty third birthday would've been next week, on the seventeenth, if he were still alive. We would've been friends for twenty years, almost my whole life. The reason I'm bringing this up after nearly two years is because even though we were as close as two people can be and I knew him better than anyone else, I'm only now finding out how many things I didn't know about him. I guess no matter how much time you spend with someone, you can never really know them.
There are so many things about myself that I could or should tell the people who are closest to me but choose not to. In fact, I don't like to talk about myself or my life very much so most of my closest friends probably know less about me than you do by just reading the last few paragraphs. Since I stopped talking to all of our old friends when he died, I don't think any of the people I consider to be close friends even know about my best friend or his death. I think having any of them know would only make it harder. You may think that's strange but can you honestly say you've never withheld information about yourself or your life from your friends to make things easier for yourself? Do they know everything about you? I didn't think so. If anyone's ever come close to truly knowing me, it would've been him. He was closer and more important to me than anyone I've ever known including my own mother.
He was the only person who's ever known the two things I fear in the world. When I was growing up, I was always taught emotions are a weakness so my world could be falling apart yet I'll appear to be completely fine. He was the only one who could see through this and know when I was upset about something. He was the only person who has ever seen me cry since I was six. Oddly enough, he was also the only person who could make me cry. He was the only person I could ever trust with my life. His was the only opinion that ever mattered to me besides my own. He was pretty much the only person I've ever really cared about besides my mom. He was the only person who was always completely honest with me no matter how pissed off I'd get. He's also the only person I could never offend or upset with my own honesty.
There are many other things I could say about him but none of those things will ever bring him back so why bother?
User Reviews
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-02-08 07:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Knowcha mean.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-08 04:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I appreciate the sentiment behind this, but it was kind of a hard read. It didn't flow real well, but I guess in a post like this that's not really the point is it?
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-02-08 01:09:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post...I'm sure you would cry if you were forced to see your mother slowly tortured to death....but that is not the purpose of my comment. I liked the post and it had deep emotions
I wonder why I did this...probably cause I don't want to work on US History hw...
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-07 22:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Urbane
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-02-07 21:57:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty- That's ok. It'd take a lot more than that to bother me. No, that's not the same friend and he didn't kill himself exactly. I mean the things he chose to do in his life are what ended up killing him and he knew they would but I don't know if it'd be considered a suicide. I suppose you could say it was in a strange way since he knew it'd happen but didn't try to stop it.
I did know he had "emotional difficulties" and about me forming and maintaining long term relationships, I'm sure it has in the case of friendships. In other relationships, I don't think it has because I've never really been interrested in long term relationships anyway. It's way too much responsibility and commitment for me.
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MyTeeOne- You can't give Dr. Phil like advice without a Dr. Phil like name so what shall we call you? Dr. MyTee? Yeah, I like that. Anyway, everything I know could be wrong too. It'll probably take me a lot longer than it took you to realize that though because I never admit to being wrong. He always used to tell me I need to quit being so damn stubborn and pigheaded and admit I'm not always right.
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ampersand- I've always thought people talk too much too so I simply sit back and listen instead of adding to the noise. I don't know why but people tend to tell me things they think they can't tell anyone else. They also ask for my opinions on things even though they usually get upset or don't lke what I have to say. Besides, when I do talk or say what I'm thinking, it usually comes out wrong, I sound like an insensitive bitch, and someone gets offended.
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JonnyX- The comfy chair?
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O'tron- I don't really like the ending either but it's just the way I feel about it. The reason I bothered to even write anything about him in the first place is so I can always come back to it and for my own personal reasons.
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WildcatMcGee- I'm sorry about your best friend's mother. It always sounds so strange hearing that doesn't it? I still can't get used to it. At least she died in her sleep though. I imagine that'd be the best way for it to happen. You're right, all you're really left with is strange feelings and uncertainty in the end.
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cuberat- Just because I don't say all of the things I could say about him doesn't mean I'll ever forget him. Could you ever really forget the most important, constant, and influential person in your life? It's kind of hard to explain but I think it's better to remember him without trying to simplify my memories by putting them into words
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Caul- Ropes and razor blades, huh? Nope, you'd have to try harder than that. That wouldn't make me cry.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-07 18:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
most people think Im a pedantic, sarcastic and cruel minded jerk...so you can know someone REALLY well in their case
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-02-07 18:17:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was a bit of a dickhead there, apologies.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-02-07 17:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been there, and I'm sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. This was a nice piece of introspective writing, (ruined a bit by your ending).
I spent a LONG time not letting anyone in. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn in my 20's was that everything I knew was wrong...the way I viewed life, the way I viewed and treated my friends and family, everything. Not giving into your emotions does not make you strong. Keeping people out does not make you strong. It makes you stubborn and lonely. True strength is being human - feeling the bad stuff, like the sadness, and letting people know you.
For this, and more Dr. Phil like advice, you can drop me an e-mail.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-02-07 17:45:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well best friend didn't die or anything (but if he did die, he would've been eaten by a shark) but I understand alot of the feelings you put into this post. Even my family, who I lived under the same roof with for 18 years, knows next to nothing about me. I mean sure, they know I like the 49ers and chocolate cake and bacon and stuff. But they don't know anything about the girl(s) I like(d). Or about my fears. Or dreams. You see I've always thought that everyone else talked too much (my parents in particular) so most of the time I just don't talk. I guess that's kinda convoluted reasoning but...yeah. It's just I don't want to inflict upon other's all the pain and irritation they inflict on me.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-07 16:22:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He was the only person who's ever known the two things I fear in the world.
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Is one of them...the comfy chair????
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-02-07 15:50:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This wasn't the same friend you stabbed is it?
Well in any case, some guys can'nae hack life, get lonely and kill themselves. Others get twisted from dodgy situations and kill themselves, Insaneinthemind springs to mind.
Surely you knew he had emotional difficulties didn't you? Was it 'out of the blue'?
I wouldn't worry about it though, there wouldn't have been an awful lot you could have done. He'd have been looking for something to dispel his anxiety's and in all probability you (indeed almost all people) wouldn't have been able to give it to him.
Perhaps it was love or the acceptance of a parent. Who knows. Perhaps he just had a deficency in the chemical balance of his brain, in which case there was absouloubtly nothing you or anyone could possibly have done.
Do you reckon his death has affected your ability to form and maintain long term relationships?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-07 15:17:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are many other things I could say about him but none of those things will ever bring him back so why bother?
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I didn't like that you ended it with this. Not that I don't get what you're saying. I do.
It's just that it makes me wonder you even bothered saying anything about him in the first place.
This really dropped the bottom out from what was a touching, introspective piece of writing.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-02-07 14:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-07 14:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"He was the only person who's ever known the two things I fear in the world."
DVDA? What is the second one?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-07 14:02:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But whom killed him and why?
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My best friend's mother died a year ago. I grew up in a military family and she was a stay at home mom so she was closer to me than my actual mother. In fact, she was better than my actual mother in almost every department. She'd pick me up from soccer practice, school, the bowling alley, etc. She was the one I'd talk to about girls and shit. Then one day I get a call that she died in her sleep and that I'd have to leave the next day from college to attend her funeral. She wasn't even 40. I was asked to give a speech at her funeral and it's the first and only time I've ever felt sad when someone died. It's odd, when someone dies everyone remembers something different. When talking about all the memories with her brothers and friends, its like I didn't even know her. Fuck, it's a real strange feeling in the end.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"when they're gone and the heart is pumping cold,
another burnt offering in worship of the toll,
made at waystations along the lonesome road,
kick the stirrup and ride and empty soul."
-Beat Happening
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:52:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
There are many other things I could say about him but none of those things will ever bring him back so why bother?
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Because remembering keeps his memory alive.
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and sometimes forgetting is far better. people weren't meant to be immortal.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:52:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I kind of know the feeling you are aiming to describe.
I don't think you can help someone who doesn't want your help and I think that accepting that answer you will answer all the other questions you have posed.
Good luck stay strong.
-Dave
Submitted by Agent_Smith (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"There are many other things I could say about him but none of those things will ever bring him back so why bother? "
Forgot my -2. You should have followed the advice of your last sentence.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:52:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are many other things I could say about him but none of those things will ever bring him back so why bother?
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Because remembering keeps his memory alive.
Submitted by Agent_Smith (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shut the fuck up, who the fuck are you, Lojope's little sister?
I'm sure they would love this shit on Oprah, you seahag.
Sooo, what are you doing this Friday?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-07 13:49:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty certain I could make you cry...with ropes and razor blades.
Nice post though.