What's that? You're a whore for tainted affection? (853 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.4 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Foonbo (View user info) at 2006-02-08 11:12:18 EST
Valentine's Day is on Tuesday. First of all, since I do my homework so as to know my shit, here's some background on St. Valentine and the origins of the holiday:
1. There were three different St. Valentines, all of whom were martyrs. Today's church knows little about any of them other than that one was a Roman priest, one was the bishop of Interamna (now modern Terni), and one suffered in Africa and may have been black himself. Our Valentine's Day is generally attributed to the Roman who died on Feb. 14, 269 A.D. for not renouncing his Christianity.
2. The popular 'customs' of Valentine's Day are derived from the Roman Empire and the Middle Ages. In Ancient Rome, Feb. 14 was a holiday honoring Juno, Queen of the Gods. On this day, girls' names were written on slips of paper and placed in jars. Boys would then pick a name and be paired up with the girl during a festival on the following day for dancing and whatnot (not sex, necessarily, because these were young kids). Patrons of the early Christian Church replaced the pagan elements of this day and called it St. Valentine's Day (once again showing us that the chronological facet of Christian holidays is bullshit). In the Middle Ages people noticed that birds began to fuck in the middle of February. Thus, Chaucer wrote "For this was sent on Seynt Valentyne's day/ Whan every foul cometh ther to choose his mate." So the naive, God-fearing, syphilis-laden people of the Middle Ages thought that this time of year they, too, should pair up. In order to woo women, men began to write love letters and buy jewelry and whatnot for the ladies during this time of year (even back then women required gifts to give it up, furthur proving my theory that women are naturally greedy and genetically predisposed to needing gifts and constant reassurance of their looks in order to inflate their warped self-esteem).
Now the rant...
Valentine's Day is a scam--another Hallmark holiday where guys are basically blackmailed into buying cards and chocolate and whatever else so as to not feel the banshee-wrath of their respective disillusioned women. It's entrapment. Women have Christmas, their birthdays, and most have anniversaries and Mother's Day as well. To a rational thinker, this would be far more than enough days on which to receive material goods to reassure them that at least one person gives a shit about them. But nooooooooo. Some ad wizard years ago realized that Valentine's Day could be propped up as a mandatory gift-giving day where men would be caught between a rock and a hard place and forced to buy gifts for their ladies, or else suffer dire consequences (and later would come the even more irrelevant, disgusting, and bastardized 'Sweetest Day,' the true mark of a useless and unmitigated corporate holiday). And so now we have another cancer on our society. Women are now convinced that they MUST received gifts on this day or their life in worthless. Men must either rebel against such practices and grow a sac or succomb to the sex-less penalties, swallow what pride they have left, and give in to their girls' demands. The downward spiral, ladies and gentlemen. The only good thing about a day like Valentine's Day is that it allows me to prove a theory--all women are prostitutes.
"What's that?" you ask. Allow me to explain. It has become a natural practice that sex has become a kind of trade for most women. In order to sleep with an unmarried woman, a man must 'trade' something for the sexual favors--whether it be something as simple as a drink at a bar or something as serious as a wedding ring. Think about it. It's true. Now, I'm not saying that women should just give it up to men whenever a man wants it for nothing in return, so to speak. My point, though, is that men always have to 'pay' in some way for sex (and I am not counting the situations of extreme college drunkenness where often one or both parties regrets it). The trading of sexual favors often ends at marriage (though so does sex, oftentimes), but even within the confines of matrimony men often still encounter such 'trades,' e.g. Valentine's Day. The practice of sex as an object, though, leads me to another point of irony--actual working prostitutes are looked down upon because they are actually honest about the 'trade' and offer a much easier and more simple deal. Other women, of course, then hate them for it, which I've always found weird. Why look down on someone who provides a lower 'price' than you? At least these people are honest about what they do. They don't beat around the bush or lie to themselves that what they're doing has nothing to do with the provisions of the man. That's why I have a lot of respect for prostitutes. Seriously, I do. They're honest about their work, they pass no judgement over the man before, during, or after, and they don't look for repeat business (or least they don't call you for it).
Now, for you women reading this and thinking, "He's so wrong about this," I propose this: Show me a woman who is in a relationship with a man and who requires no gifts from that man WHATSOEVER and still fucks him, and I will show you a beautiful freak of nature. And what I said above does not mean I think that possessing those qualities makes you a completely bad person. You're a product of your environment (but still capable of conscientious decisions). You're all like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman"--good-hearted, nice, funny, sweet, but still exchanging the poon-tang for greenbacks.
I guess I'm asking why must society designate days where we are obligated to show certain affections toward others? Are our lives that shitty that this is what has become of them?
Happy Valentine's Day! XOXOXOXO
P.S. I am a hypocrite and have bought Valentine's gifts solely for the purposes of humping.
User Reviews
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-02-09 11:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-02-08 17:14:57 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:50:20 (#)
Ranking: 1
Show me a woman who is in a relationship with a man and who requires no gifts from that man WHATSOEVER and still fucks him
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As Peon said, hi.
I think the entire VDay is stupid. In Denmark we didn't even start to celebrate it until a few years ago. I might be stupid, but I don't see the point in flowers, they smell and then die (?) and I only have one set of jewelry I wear for those few, special occasions, so why get any more?
I think it's just me.
And yes, I only own one pair of shoes. Nike sneakers. Yes, in the snow too, and I pay for it with my health. Fuck off.
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Are telling MOI to fuck off? Oh, please, new user, don't go there.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-02-08 17:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:50:20 (#)
Ranking: 1
Show me a woman who is in a relationship with a man and who requires no gifts from that man WHATSOEVER and still fucks him
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As Peon said, hi.
I think the entire VDay is stupid. In Denmark we didn't even start to celebrate it until a few years ago. I might be stupid, but I don't see the point in flowers, they smell and then die (?) and I only have one set of jewelry I wear for those few, special occasions, so why get any more?
I think it's just me.
And yes, I only own one pair of shoes. Nike sneakers. Yes, in the snow too, and I pay for it with my health. Fuck off.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i'm a whore for taint, is that close enough?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:06:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
MANIC- You need Shlongy to fly on up to Michigan and perform an emergency spoogectomy on you for V-Day?
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-02-08 15:53:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-02-08 15:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Whores! Whores! Whores!: http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=5928&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=6>1=7778
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:43:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:50:20 (#)
Ranking: 1
Show me a woman who is in a relationship with a man and who requires no gifts from that man WHATSOEVER and still fucks him
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Hi.
------------
I'm the same way as well... Not by choice, but because of my horrible chemical imbalance that makes it pointless for me to attempt to wear gold.
*sobs itchy green ring finger tears*
===============
if you aren't lying, i like you guys.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:43:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:50:20 (#)
Ranking: 1
Show me a woman who is in a relationship with a man and who requires no gifts from that man WHATSOEVER and still fucks him
===========
Hi.
------------
I'm the same way as well... Not by choice, but because of my horrible chemical imbalance that makes it pointless for me to attempt to wear gold.
*sobs itchy green ring finger tears*
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I won't even SEE my husband during this weekend. Just the nature of the beast when you run a restaurant. On the other hand he did serve 18 of the steelers the night before the superbowl and Bob Seiger last night. I guess you win some and you lose some.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:13:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no gifts this year, just Coupons!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was going to be a +2 anyway but this...
(and later would come the even more irrelevant, disgusting, and bastardized 'Sweetest Day,' the true mark of a useless and unmitigated corporate holiday).
is going to put you in my good graces for a long time.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it. I hate that holiday and I'm a chick. I told my husband if he bought me jewelry or overpriced roses, I'd jihad his nuts. We're going out to dinner, because we both enjoy going out to dinner. It was his suggestion. I'd be just as happy at home. I feel bad for guys that have wimmins that make them jump the consumer hoops. 2 years ago, my hubby and I started dating around V-day. So when you start dating someone, you usually do a little extra. He took me out for dinner and to the opera, which was cool. I bought pizza and rented the Simpsons and gave him a massage. I figured that was cool. Last year I got really yummy organic/artisan/fancy-shit chocolates. So great. But nothing huge and expensive. Hallmark can go eat my dead Grandma's ass. I make my own cards.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know man. I told my bf not to buy me ANYTHING this year. And it wasn't a trick, either. I meant it. He is behind in his finances and shit and I won't allow him to contribute to that problem more by buying me a bunch of fucking expensive flowers that will die soon, candy that I won't eat half of, or jewelry that I won't wear (I don't wear a lot of jewelry). He actually argued with me. He said, "Well, what if I have the money?" I said, "Well, let's set a $10 limit." I thought I was doing him a favor, but he actually sounded disappointed. Or perhaps he was confused. I grew up poor and learned to expect nothing material. Ever. It stuck. I don't expect shit from my relationships, except respect and love. I hate valentine's day. It's just another way for people to make money. I'm sure some disillusioned guy will come at me with "that's bullshit!" But quite frankly, I don't give a fuck if anyone believes me or not.
But my conversations with other women lead me to believe what you are saying is true, so +2.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In college, we called it Singles Awareness Day.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:04:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.despair.com/bittersweets.html
I pass these out every year.
I think that 'Be my Yoko' is my favorite.
Submitted by sleepingmonkey (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:53:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree wholeheartedly. Here in the D, at Christmas time radio stations saturated the airwaves with jewelry commercials. Guess what. Same shit for V-day. Problem is, the commercials go like this..
"fellas, get her what she's always wanted...diamonds!"
Translation...
"hey worthless piece of shit, either buy your bitch some expensive shit or else you are just a low-life loser scumbag who doesn't even deserve to masturbate, let alone be seen with some chick."
That's Jared, the galleria of jewelers.
Assholes.
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:51:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Show me a woman who is in a relationship with a man and who requires no gifts from that man WHATSOEVER and still fucks him, and I will show you a beautiful freak of nature
I must be a beautiful freak of nature. I like sex. I don't require gifts. I see your point and agree to a great extent, that that's exactly what V day is to most. But for me and my husband, it's just a little christmas. this year he's getting a CD and some sunglasses. One year he got me a shirt that said "Oh crap, you're going to try and cheer me up aren't you?" The sex comes into play on Feb 21st, a different sort of anniversary for us. Yes, that's the day we first did it, 8 whole years ago. And we always celebrate that, not with gifts, but a hotel room : )
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Show me a woman who is in a relationship with a man and who requires no gifts from that man WHATSOEVER and still fucks him
===========
Hi.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:34:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
V- Day sucks
But if anyone has any disposable income feel free to buy me this ---> http://cgi.ebay.com/Enchanting-Diamond-Ring-14K-Yellow-Gold-Size-5-5-NR_W0QQitemZ8901586626QQcategoryZ92915QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
I want to pretend I'm married.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:01:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
You sound a little bitter, but there is some truth here.
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Not bitter. Just cheap.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a Valentine's Day atheist.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You sound a little bitter, but there is some truth here.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:53:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think I am going to give the women her ring ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/83434 ) this weekend, not an original time of year, but it will probably help me remember, and cut down on days I have to buy gifts.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
oh you know the worst part about valentine's day?
those fucking candy message hearts
and the nasty ones in the box o candy
i rather like the rest of it.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes. fuck Valentines Day indeed.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:35:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"and one suffered in Africa and may have been black himself."
HAHA! You're wrong! Everyone knows black people didn't exist until we needed slaves! It's in the Bible practically making it a proven scientific fact, bub.
ok I'll read the rest.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:35:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Didn't read it all.
But...
"Valentines is a hallmark holiday designed to make those in relationships feel guilty and those that are single feel lonely".
I can't remember who said it, but it was someone who knew what they were talking about.
-Dave
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh.
You said 'taint'.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:26:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's why I have a lot of respect for prostitutes. Seriously, I do. They're honest about their work, they pass no judgement over the man before, during, or after, and they don't look for repeat business (or least they don't call you for it).
--
indeed sir
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:23:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just (honestly, 3 minutes ago) spent $59.98 to have 2 dozen long stem roses sent to my broad next Tuesday. She lives outside of Chicago, so that really isn't too bad of a price considering I'm in South Bend.
I agree that V-Day is horseshit, but it does however provide some great ass.
Fuck Hallmark.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I am a hypocrite and have bought Valentine's gifts solely for the purposes of humping."
Earnt a solid +1
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"the naive, God-fearing, syphilis-laden people of the Middle Ages"
I didn't realise we were talking about the French.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This could have used some proofreading, but, yeah - I agree. I fucking hate Valentine's Day and I refuse to even acknowledge its existence.
What's that you say? I only hate Valentine's Day because I'm perpetually single and/or dissatisfied in my relationships, brief and sporadic though they are? You may be onto something.