When Idiots Collide (867 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.29 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2006-02-08 11:34:25 EST
One of our friends had stolen 5 sticks of dynamite from his deadbeat uncle. This uncle lived in the woods, made moonshine and dynamite, and chopped down trees with a ten gauge shotgun. He was... our hero.
The funniest thing is, while my friend was talking to his uncle. We stood right in front of this guy and pocketed his dynamite as he watched us. We'd known the guy maybe 5 minutes.
"So yeah I beat that squirrel's ass and... he what the fuck are you doin with muh boomsicks?"
Bill turned to us and said, loud enough for his uncle to hear, "Just ignore him."
After we pocketed as much as we wanted, I looked up to see his uncle looking in our general direction, though not exactly at us... He stayed like this without speaking for a good 20 seconds, and we stood in silence. Then, as if he forgot what he was mad about, he continued on about the squirrel.
So now we had 5 sticks of dynamite, and a half ounce of weed. We took off down some back country roads. I sat in the front passenger seat with Ryan, the driver, and Bill sat in back with the dynamite. After Bill lit a joint we heard what sounded like a sparkler.
I looked back to see Bill sitting there with the same oblivious look we'd just seen from his uncle, as he watched the wick slowly burn down. The sparks were hitting his eye, yet he didn't flinch, he reminded me of a caveman.
We sat in horror and Ryan slammed on the brakes ready to jump out of the car. Bill started to slowly roll down his window, and let the dynamite slide down the side of the car. Ryan floored it, and we watched in the rearview as the lone stick of dynamite slowly rolled down the street.
By the time it went off, we were far enough a way that we saw the exlosion before we heard it. Chunks of pavement flew into the air like a meteorite has struck the road. The boom echoed through the county.
"YOU THINK ANYONE HEARD THAT??" Bill asked.
"You stupid fuck," I said to myself. I grabbed the dyna-bag from him. Bill didn't seem to notice though, he was transfixed by the back of Ryan's head.
"Alright, now that tard-wonder has wasted some of our fun, let's think of something a little more interesting to blow up than the ground."
"Uuhh, alright... dude let's... aww shit. Well, we could... what?" Ryan wasn't one for words, probably because when he used them... they usually sucked.
We decided it was best to go to a different county. Since this one was probably now in an elevated terror status. The next county over was a water park for the white trash living in the surrounding area. We knew of a hill next to it that was at about the same elevation as the top level of the waterpark. It also had no trees at the top, so it was in plain view of all the kids waiting in line.
After we saw a fresh dead deer on the side of the road we knew what had to be done. We dragged the deer through the woods, up the hill and set it at the top. It took nearly an hour. When we got it to the top, nobody was really paying attention to us. We set a stick of dynamite under the deer and lit it. We watched the wick slowly disapear, when it was at the right point we got the kids attention and ran for cover both of the blast, and out of sight.
"OOOOIIIEEEETTT!!!" we all screamed in unison.
The figures in line jerked their heads in our direction, and the blast immediately followed. When we heard the blast, the kids jumped. As the sound echoed away off the hilltops, it was replaced with the shriek of children screaming.
Staying out of sight we ran back towards the car. That one.. would bring some attention. We put the pot in the ziplock with the dynamite and buried it in the woods, being sure to take a look around at where we were.
"Dude, we just blew that fucking deer UP!" Bill chimed in with a wit and wisdom.
"Yeah man... it was... it was like BAM! Haha... do you remember when we went, 'OoOooiet!'?"
Yeah Bill.
We got to the car and started down the road. Then, we heard the sirens...
Ryan's face was so red I thought his head was going to pop any second. Bill, still looked retarded.
We saw at least 5 cop cars come over the hill in the oncoming lane. Traffic was light at best, but we were 3 teenagers in a Caprice Classic, we didn't stand a chance. I decided we had better chances if we split up. We headed toward Bill's uncle's to get off the road for a while, being careful to take a route that didn't go by the exploded pavement.
We didn't make it a quarter mile before one of the ciop cars that had passed us came speeding up behind us with his lights on. Ryan pulled the car over and we all started to pray...
The cop climbed out of his car. He was 5'9" and had an inferiority complex that put Napoleon to shame. He had a skinny head and his HUGE aviators protruded out the sides like those "funny" oversized glasses people with "great senses of humor" wear at Halloween.
He slowly walked up to the driver side window, with his hands on his belt strap. From the looks of it really wanted to BE Barney Fife.
"Just what theee HELL... do you boys THINK... you're doing?"
This was one of those lame loaded questions cops use to try to get you to confess to something. Luckily, Ryan had no social skills anyways, so playing stupid was all he could do.
"Uuuuuhhhh... just driving... sir..." Ryan shrugged.
"Uuuuhhhh... just driving SIR!" The cop did a pathetic ryan impression, spitting a bit on the "sir". He maintained the same facial expression as he ended his "sir" on and looked through the car. The look was him having his mouth wide open in a look of horror, as if someone was slowly stabbing him in the kidney.
It was quiet for a good 30 seconds as he did this.
"And just what in the FUCK... is that shit on the back of your head... BOOAAH??"
I reached around the back of my head and discovered a golfball sized piece of deer... I froze, but only for a second.
"I have the cancer, sir." I pulled the glob off my head and threw it out the window.
He looked at me, removed his aviators, and put his hat to his chest, "well, I'm sorry son."
I put my hands to my face and dropped my head.
"The only reason I stopped you boys is we've had several explosions in the area. Your buddy back there has a DANG towel on his head."
I looked back and Bill indeed did have a towel wrapped around his head. I reached back and ripped it off him, shooting him a look of Satan. I went back to my poor me look.
The cop looked back and addressed Bill, "What thee sam hill you got dat shit on yer head fer, don't you know we're at WAR?!"
"My head was cold, it's a free country!" Bill sounded exactly like his uncle. It was at that point I realized I was never going to hang out with this guy again.
Instead of responding, he put his aviators and hat back on and slowly walked to front of the car.
He stood with his back to us for about 3 minutes. Then slowly turned around. His head didn't rotate at all, it moved with his body the whole way around like he was wearing an imaginary neck brace. His face was beet red.
"Now I want you BOYS... to get the FUCK outta here!! You motherFUCKERS have RUINED my appetite. Pulling fucking TUMORS off the back of your GODDAMN HEADS!"
He stood in front of our car. None of us knew what to do.
Ryan reached his head out the window, "Sooooo.. Uuuhhhh... you just like... uuuhhh. Wait... so how do I... with you...." Ryan cleared his throat, "so how... exactly... do... I get out??"
"Are you fuckin RETARDED!?" The cop asked.
"Just go, man" I whispered under my breath.
Ryan backed up and slowly turned the wheel. The cop didn't move and made us get out like we had been parked in. An Austin Powers if you will.
After a good 3 minutes of going back and forth trying to get out, we eventually pulled away. the cop... did not move. We were a good half mile down the road and I was watching in my side view mirror. He was still standing in the same place. Other cars were going by him. They would slow.. and then eventually keep going.
Out of everything that had happened that day, my experience with that whack-job cop far out-trumped all the explosions and retardidity.
We went back to find the pot and dynamite a couple months later, there was an empty hole with yellow tape around it.
That day went down in history amongst us three. It was the climax of our youth.
Bill is sitting next to me right now, he brings it up from time to time. He started talking about 5 minutes ago, but I'm not listening.
The last I heard about Ryan, he was living in a shack in the middle of the woods "making things".
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-02-25 04:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i've got the cancer!
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-10 21:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
An afterthought after reading reviews.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:53:30 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:05:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Title made me think of the Powerman5000 song.
Now this is what it's like when worlds colLIIIIIDE!!!!!! I like that song.
--
yeah i thought of that song too
/////
In you girls' own words: duh. Like, it's so awesome you made that connection!
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-10 21:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We decided it was best to go to a different county. Since this one was probably now in an elevated terror status.
________________________
B@W.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-10 21:18:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh hellll yes. I don't know if city boys can relate to this like me, but you're straight up copper head row in Elvis's book.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-02-10 21:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
:(
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-10 19:00:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Also, in Scooby Doo, Fred can take a hike too. He's gay and he is always ruining Shag and Scoobs chance to fuck Daphne because he always takes her with him (so people think he's not gay).
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-09 03:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it, I laughed...
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-02-09 03:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
When idiots collide: http://www.ubersite.com/
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-02-09 02:44:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
its almost 2AM and ive been writing a term paper on opium wars for . . . forever. any comic relief gets +2 at this point.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-08 17:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Im fairly sure Ive read this before...
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:53:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:05:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Title made me think of the Powerman5000 song.
Now this is what it's like when worlds colLIIIIIDE!!!!!! I like that song.
--
yeah i thought of that song too
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
too bad you guys didn't blow yourselves up, that woulda got a +2 from me
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hehe, dear guts=cancer.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Indoninja-
Africans invented internets using diamonds, twigs, and berries.
They now have 46 internets, all fully functional with an optional whammy bar.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:53:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
Indoninja...
I'll bet you aren't even a real NINJA.
And... this story wasn't written to be entertaining. I wrote it for my African penpal, who's dying of Malaria. His last request was to read a story about dynamite, which I gladly did.
You should feel ashamed.
-----------------------
Ah-ha!
Africans don't have internet!
Caught you in another lie!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:29:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I shart it reminds me of boom sticks.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:53:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Indoninja...
I'll bet you aren't even a real NINJA.
And... this story wasn't written to be entertaining. I wrote it for my African penpal, who's dying of Malaria. His last request was to read a story about dynamite, which I gladly did.
You should feel ashamed.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:26:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
GOD YOU'RE CLEVER!!!!
What gave it away exactly?
Was it the fact that we got pulled over by Barney Fife, or when we got dynamite from a moonshine dealer in Michigan?
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I am just suprised, normally when people make up a story they try and make it clever or amusing.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:30:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well it was entertaining.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:22:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
Well this never happened.
__________________________________
GOD YOU'RE CLEVER!!!!
What gave it away exactly?
Was it the fact that we got pulled over by Barney Fife, or when we got dynamite from a moonshine dealer in Michigan?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:22:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Well this never happened.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Title made me think of the Powerman5000 song.
Now this is what it's like when worlds colLIIIIIDE!!!!!! I like that song.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:52:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think the yellow tape gnomes took the stash.
Submitted by Agent_Smith (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:49:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah the second half I got distracted by Leave it to Beaver. My mind has a mind of its own.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:49:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good clean fun, but what happened to the stash?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:46:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Started out awesome. My favourite posts involve explosions and shenanigans like the ones you describe.
The 2nd half of the post kind of trailed off though.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-08 11:42:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was a kid, there was a culvert in our neighborhood that we used throw cherry bombs into at 3am. The echo was awesome.