Look, I'm Sorry There's Titties on the Screen (1573 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: rant_post
Rating: 1.89 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2006-02-08 12:02:53 EST
When I woke up this morning, the first thing I saw was...well, a blurred mass of colors due to my incredibly poor vision. So I squinted my eyes and angled my head closer to my alarm clock to find that I was late. Really late. So I hustled out of bed and performed all the morning tasks at light speed, then ran to my car and drove to the train station, only to find that I just missed an express train.
Damn.
On the plus side, I would actually be able to get a seat on the local train, unlike the sardine can that is the beeline to Grand Central. To add some more positive light to my situation, I had my laptop with me. Normally I only use it on the way home, when I'm usually able to procure a seat. On this morning, however, a smirk found its way on to my face as I realized I would be able to watch...PORN!!!
No, no, no, just kidding. If I'm not able to jerk, I don't usually watch teh porn. But I DID insert my new copy of The 40-Year-Old Virgin in my laptop. Gently, smoothly, I put it in. My laptop started vibrating and heating up a bit. Ohhh yeah...
Sorry.
Anyways, I figured I would just watch the bonus features to avoid the naughty scenes, lest a prudish hag sat next to me. Bonus features are always censored and tame, right? Heh.
It started off lightly enough. Behind the scenes as Steve Carell gets his chest waxed--FO' REAL, NIGGA, OHHH!!! I then watched a super-extended version of the scene where the two dudes are sitting playing Mortal Kombat 4 and talking bullshit. Pretty impressive, the whole scene was adlibbed after the first 2 or 3 lines. Or so they said in the commentary.
Then I noticed the "My Dinner With Stormy" link. I checked the back of the DVD case for clarification: "Actor/Co-Producer Seth Rogen has dinner with adult-film star Stormy Daniels." Hmmm...well, can't be too bad, right? I mean, on the one hand he is, for some reason, interviewing a porn star. On the other, this is a "bonus feature," right? Tame, right? Heh.
It started off nicely. "Hi, I'm Seth Rogan, co-producer on this flick. I'm here with Stormy Daniels, who I'll be interviewing." Okay. No problem. I mean, she's wearing a silk bathrobe, but it's nothing see-through. Eh, nobody was sitting next to me; the only way someone could see is if they were peering over the seat behind me. I was safe in case anything happened. But I didn't think anything would. FYI, Seth Rogan is the actor in the movie with the whitey afro and sleeved arms, in the tattoo context.
Seth: "Blah, blah, BS questions..."
Stormy: "I like your tattoos."
Seth: "Oh, thanks. Yeah, they're pretty cool, blah blah questions."
Stormy: "I have a tattoo...wanna see it?"
<PORNY SENSE TINGLING>
Seth: "Uhhh...sure..."
I paused the DVD. At this point, I faced a major fork in the figurative road that is my brain. To watch or not to watch? On the one hand, I was afraid of a super-feminazi lawyer popping up out of nowhere. On the other, chances were good that the porn star was gonna do something....pornish. I looked around on the train and saw that the aisles were clear. I had a window seat and nobody sitting next to me. I was ready to proceed. Unpause.
Stormy unties her robe and predictably whips out a fake booby. For some reason it just seems a bit more naughty when the filming is done documentary-style as opposed to the actual movie-style. It was cool, though. She had a little fake tattoo of Seth on her right titty, which she was massaging a little. Nothing major. I was expecting her to fully disrobe and start fingering herself or something. So I kept watching for about two more seconds. Naturally, however...
"<AHEM>"
In a train full of scumbag degenerates like myself, I get the honor of being reproached by the Chinese chick from Grey's Anatomy. Well, she looked like her, at least. She might have been korean--I can't be too sure. In any case, all that mattered was that this 30-something chick was giving me evil eyes and I must have had that deer-in-headlights look to me. Our eye-contact lasted all of 63 picoseconds, which was more than enough time for me to halfway close my laptop and angle it away from her. I was trying to play it off as if I wasn't just looking at a porn star whipping out her tits.
Mind you, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about that--it's just that there's an element of truth in that Twix commercial where that chinese chick gossips to the white chick in the elevator, only to find that the latter is her boss's daughter. I noticed one guy once on the train that worked on the same floor as me. Probably will never talk to him at all, but it would suck to piss off a stranger that ended up becoming your boss.
That aspect aside, the train ride was uncomfortable to say the least. I didn't want to put in another DVD and make it seem like I was watching anything vulgar (well...), but on the other hand, I had to choose my bonus features wisely. From what I remembered seeing the movie over the summer, the speed-dating scene was visually mild (my headphones were on throughout the ordeal). So I chose the extended speed-dating. Funny stuff, funny stuff, funny stuff...huge-breasted woman in a tight shirt sitting across from Steve Carell. I peeked out of the corner of my eye to see the chinese woman reading her Wall Street Journal. Good.
But then the big-tittied actress starts talking with her hands Italian-style and the boobies bounce...and bounce. Shit, I remembered this part--her tit was about to pop out! But before I could get to the title menu, the amazing spherical booby was bouncing in all its exposed glory.
There's no way Chinawoman did not see the boobs--they were practically 3-dimensional, if you saw that part of the movie. She hastily folded up her paper and got up to stand by the doors. Apparently she would rather read her paper standing up than have bouncing boobies in her peripheral vision. I couldn't really blame her. Personally I was just looking for cheap dick and fart jokes.
Nonetheless, when the train arrived at Grand Central, I passed by her and sort of gave her a weakly apologetic half-smile, as if to say "Sorry I had titties on my laptop." She created a small sonic boom as she slammed her paper in to the recycling bin and stormed off.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that she's probably never heard of Kobe Tai.
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-09 00:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I rated this before...
Anyway...
Good work.
Submitted by Gollygoshgirl (user info) at 2006-02-08 17:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahaha.. You boob.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-08 17:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No need to apologize, son...Let the titties be.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-02-08 17:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<PORNY SENSE TINGLING>
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:58:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
goddan chinamen. Good stuff bro.
Submitted by MackTuesday (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for a well-written and entertaining anecdote.
-2 for giving a shit what that lady thought. It was none of her business what you viewed on your own laptop in a nearly empty train. If she didn't like it, she shouldn't have stuck her nose where it didn't belong in the first place.
+1 for having a bit of heart and not wanting to piss anyone off.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-02-08 15:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
American suits are all tight-asses I guess. And this is New York City, no less. It's all the Westchester and Connecticut suits most likely. This chick was from Connecticut.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:59:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
in Japan, they read hard-core porn right there on the subway, and it's no big deal.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:14:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
BREASTS ARE OFFENSIVE.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:39:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:22:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
+0 for the story.
+2 for Kobe Tai.
or
+2 for the story.
+0 for Kobe Tai.
Take your pick.
-----------------------------
Hmm...I'll take the '+2 for Kobe Tai.' Hey, what the fuck is that behind your shoulder!?
<takes '+2 for story'>
<cackles while running away>
HAHAHAhahahahaa....
<runs into brick wall>
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+0 for the story.
+2 for Kobe Tai.
or
+2 for the story.
+0 for Kobe Tai.
Take your pick.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IM like that at work, always peering, damn NSFW
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:03:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit, you're posting again!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is it always asian women?
NSFW Linkwhore http://www.ubersite.com/m/55783
-Dave
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:39:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:32:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:17:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least you weren't watching "Wedding Crashers." That movie made American Pie look tame by comparison.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My sentiments exactly...but it was uncomfortable nonetheless.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:07:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:03:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
She didn't have to look at your laptop. People need to mind their own fucking business instead of trying to police others. She probably went home and let her boyfriend fuck her bent over a chair right before he came all over her ass and back, but god forbid a guy watch a movie with nudity in her vicinity.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:03:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She didn't have to look at your laptop. People need to mind their own fucking business instead of trying to police others. She probably went home and let her boyfriend fuck her bent over a chair right before he came all over her ass and back, but god forbid a guy watch a movie with nudity in her vicinity.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:02:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:13:02 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:09:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Agent_Smith (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:05:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
WHY ARE THERE NO TITTIES ON MY SCREEN THEN[?]
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Asian people have no sense of humor. Except Jackie Chan. But the rest suck for sure. She was jealous that her itty bitty bean curds weren't as big as the porn chicks.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:22:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:20:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://cms.3m.com/cms/US/en/2-22/kzRziFW/view.jhtml
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah yes. I had similar happen to me on an airplane.
Granted I had stripped all my clothes off and was masturbating furiously to Tera Patrick, but none the less, I didn't deserve all those odd looks I got.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:14:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BREASTS ARE OFFENSIVE.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:13:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:09:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Agent_Smith (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:05:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
WHY ARE THERE NO TITTIES ON MY SCREEN THEN[?]
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:11:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed the movie, but I didn't like the dvd extended cut. Those 17 minutes were deleted for a reason.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:10:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:09:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Agent_Smith (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:05:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
WHY ARE THERE NO TITTIES ON MY SCREEN THEN
Submitted by Agent_Smith (user info) at 2006-02-08 12:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHY ARE THERE NO TITTIES ON MY SCREEN THEN