Look your best in death (SPT) Yes, it's probably crap (652 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.63 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Misanthropic (View user info) at 2006-02-08 13:19:42 EST
I had the pleasure of attending a dead-on-arrival patient the other morning. Nothing too dramatic - the poor guy died in his sleep, and he was only 49. You do get that on the big jobs though I s'pose.
While waiting for the local coppers to arrive, I couldn't help but start thinking more about death, and concluded that when I die, I'm going to look my best, goddammit!
To explain - the gentleman in question had been deceased probably about 6 hours before we arrived. Plenty of time for rigor mortis to set in, and the blood to drain to the lowest point of the body. This does nothing for his complexion or appearance. Nor did the worn out wife beater and jocks that he was wearing.
When you die, the muscles that hold your body contents in relax, allowing shit, urine, stomach contents to run out all over the shop. Not a good look, nor was the semen-y looking stuff in the front of his jocks in place of urine.
Anyways, after careful consideration and thought, I present my short guide to looking your best in death. Take heed!
1. Clean underwear. ALWAYS!! Your mum always told you this - "What if you got hit by a bus?" Mind you, if you see a bus travelling at speed aimed at you, you will probably shit yourself anyway, BUT, always go clean underwear. Not the old crappy 'Y' fronts, but boxer shorts or the better brands of jocks or panties.
2. Under NO circumstances should you wear a 'wifebeater', singlet or other such undergarment. No exceptions!
3. Sleepwear. Once again, clean and presentable PJ's or whatever. It's easier if you sleep naked for the medics, but if you have to wear something, make sure it's clean and presentable.
4. Before bed. Ensure that your bowels and bladder are empty before sleep. Reason why? Simple. AS mentioned previously, you will shit yourself if you don't, and you don't want anyone thinking "fuck me, where's the gerbil?" For good measure, an evening enema might be in order.
Feel free to ignore hint 4 if you're tubgirl. If this is the case, perhaps try sleeping with extra pillows under the lower back for better effect.
Along with faeces, don't forget semen. If you're of the female variety, and have a load still on board, squeeze it out for god's sake! Even better, get it felched. Hey! Gotta try it once before you die!
Guys - after your evening wank, don't forget to squeeze the excess jizz from the trouser snake. As with urine, it'll eventually run out, and you will forever be known as the guy who died masturbating. Or something. Maybe.
5. Make sure that your pillow is crease-free before bed. After you cark it in the face plant position, any folded bits on your pillow slip will leave a crease in your face bigger and deeper than a 50 year old hooker (like throwing a sausage into a cave)
6. Fake tan. Unless you have an awesome tan already, it might be worth your while to consider the fact that your complexion really is shit, and will look even more garish once you pass on. Plenty of options exist for you, from a proper tanning salon, to rub on tan in a bottle. While the latter will make you look orange and omper loomper-like, it's better than death grey, which is less then appealing.
7. Always, ALWAYS, consider positioning. Be aware of your surroundings. If you think you could suddenly die and no one might find you for a few hours, make sure that you have a smile that says "oh yeah, I'm happy" or "that wasn't a half bad blow job". Rigor mortis is a bitch, and you don't want to look like you died wondering if you left the stove on.
Hint 7 is especially applicable if you suddenly die of a heart attack or similar condition. Sure it's hurts like a bastard, but dieing with a pained expression clutching your chest just doesn't cut the mustard. Suck it in people - toughen up princess! Die with dignity! Go the grin that says "Aaayyy" like the Fonze. In fact, die with two thumbs up. Better than being found in the foetal position.
While this is not an exhaustive list, it's a good starting point to help you look your best in death. Remember - plan ahead, clean underwear, empty bowels. You can't go wrong.
User Reviews
Submitted by MEDIQ (user info) at 2007-02-17 23:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's easier if you sleep naked for the medics"
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OMG I thought this only happened to me!!!
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-08-27 03:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:48:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to round up all of Uber's ghouls.
ATTENTION!
If you work in healthcare, Emergency services (cops, firefighters, EMTs and Paramedics), the funeral industry, and any other profession where you routinely encounter death, dismemberment, decay, and other unseemly things.......we need to band together and come up with a weekly series thingy or something like that.
There are limitless creep-out opportunities here!
===========================================================
I'm in. I've got a whole library of fucked up shit. It's labeled, "fucked up shit"
it's pretty fucked up.....shit
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-08-27 02:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if you get shot in the face with a shotgun or get burned alive or maybe blown up, none of this really matters.
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-08-27 02:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the post, but what the fuckin' flip-flop, man?
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:50:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
That's cool, I don't expect good grades coz I'm not a Uer regular, which means I don't run off Uber time like the sad, pathetic git that you are
____________________________________________
So first, you don't give a bit of shit about Ubersite and the sad, pathetic gits who occupy this pit.
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:50:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:39:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Showing off? How?
_________________
What do you care? You're a non-regular who stops by for an occasional laugh, right? Right?
Right...
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-09 06:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm taking notes...
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-02-09 02:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. I loved it.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to round up all of Uber's ghouls.
ATTENTION!
If you work in healthcare, Emergency services (cops, firefighters, EMTs and Paramedics), the funeral industry, and any other profession where you routinely encounter death, dismemberment, decay, and other unseemly things.......we need to band together and come up with a weekly series thingy or something like that.
There are limitless creep-out opportunities here!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-08 15:46:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
I plan to go out like a champ, unlike HV
I plan to die after a night of pleasure with Anglina Jolie and Gina Gershon while Brad Pitt is 3 feet away tied to a chair splooging himself to death....I can see the headlines now.
PROFESSIONAL PEON KILLS PITT IN SEXY MURDER/SUICIDE
I will be famous forever and all you sexy Uber bitches can come spit on my grave for taking Brad with me.
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
The "sexy murder/suicide" made me laugh hysterically.
Seriously kill of Brangelina. I am FUCKING SICK OF THEM!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:17:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:35:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:21:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
*looks at calender*
*notes the big WED over todays date.*
*-2's an incorrectly placed SPT*
*goes back to read post*
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The world doesn't revolve around America. Where I'm from, it's 0500hrs THURSDAY morning! One hour left then I finish work.
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WRONG BITCH WRONG - The world doesn't revolve around America, it revolves around Bartbart - this has been a long-established fact, you silly antipodean whore.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-02-08 16:15:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gee, I've got competition! I thought I was Uber's resident ghoul and repository of all things morbid and disturbing.
Folks, he's right.
Also, if you haven't been feeling well and suspect that you might kick the bucket soon, I would advise you laying off eating beans, raw califlour and brocolli, and other gas producing foods before bedtime. A corpse will piss, shit, AND fart. And after several hours into death, it can get pretty nasty!
Of course there is nothing you can do about the inevitable dead-bloat that occurs during rigor. You're going to puff up. So, if you're carrying around extra pounds, they will be accentuated.
As far as paramedics and morgue attendents getting a little Necro action from you, hey, take it as a compliment!
You can go to the great beyond bragging about how even in death you were a hottie.
I like you Misanthropic! We speak the same language.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-08 15:46:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I plan to go out like a champ, unlike HV
I plan to die after a night of pleasure with Anglina Jolie and Gina Gershon while Brad Pitt is 3 feet away tied to a chair splooging himself to death....I can see the headlines now.
PROFESSIONAL PEON KILLS PITT IN SEXY MURDER/SUICIDE
I will be famous forever and all you sexy Uber bitches can come spit on my grave for taking Brad with me.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-08 15:31:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1. Its wednesday
2. This wasnt shit
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-08 15:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<scribbling notes furiously>
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-02-08 15:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If this is a shit post, it is the king of all shit posts. All other shit posts must bow down to this one and suck its shit-posty cock.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:49:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SPT? It's only Wednesday. I'm in a great mood though. It's HUMP day! ;)
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A friend of mine had a husband that was dying from AIDS. It got to the point that being in a hospital was of no further use, so he checked out with some medication and some hospital type equipment so he could spend his last moments at home with his husband (yeah, two married men - when I wrote 'life partner' it looked lame).
Two days later, my friend woke up to find the same thing you described had just happened to the love of his life next to him in bed. Very carefully, he cleaned him up, changed his pajamas, changed the sheets and then just lay with him for some time crying.
Finally, he made his way down the hall to tell both of their visiting families the expected had happened.
I can't even begin to imagine the magnitude of his experience... hopefully I never will.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-08 14:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HighVoltage900 = "Died from sexual exhaustion in a room filled with naked women. Died as he lived, knee deep in poon."
Knee deep in poon eh? sounds familiar to me.
Would you have used a certain list to be 'knee deep in poon'? As the list specifically "describes how to be knee deep in poon by the weekend"?
As in http://www.ubersite.com/m/83609 ?
I TOLD YOU IT WOULD WORK!
ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:58:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:50:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:40:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Note the Ubertime? I run on what Uber says. But I will even it to a 0 as I considered that a possibility. I still did not find this particularly amusing.
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That's cool, I don't expect good grades coz I'm not a Uer regular, which means I don't run off Uber time like the sad, pathetic git that you are
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No no you misunderstand. I don't live off of it, I use the Uber time as a judge to when to post things so as to avoid double posts and the like.
Just because I'm a pathetic git doesn't mean I'll die in bed like you. I think my obituary will read:
HighVoltage900. Died from sexual exhaustion in a room filled with naked women. Died as he lived, knee deep in poon.
*sigh* Wouldn't that be a way to go.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck would I care? I'd be dead. You think I give a fuck what you think NOW? What makes you think I'll give a SHIT when I'm DEAD?????
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come to think of it, if I just follow these simple guidelines, I'll look so good when I die that the ambulance crew will be seized by an uncontrollable lust and will have no choice but to satiate their lust upon my cooling corpse.
This will make my thumbs-up-and-winking Buddy Christ-type pose even more appropriate, I think.
Awwwwwww yeah.
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:39:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
"The world doesn't revolve around America. Where I'm from, it's 0500hrs THURSDAY morning! One hour left then I finish work."
YOU TELL THOSE YANKEE PIG-DOGS! ALLAH ACKBAR! ALLAH ACKBAR!
2+ for that!
1+ for goodish post!
-3 for balatant showing off.
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Showing off? How?
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:40:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:35:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:21:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
*looks at calender*
*notes the big WED over todays date.*
*-2's an incorrectly placed SPT*
*goes back to read post*
-----------------------------------------
The world doesn't revolve around America. Where I'm from, it's 0500hrs THURSDAY morning! One hour left then I finish work.
------
Note the Ubertime? I run on what Uber says. But I will even it to a 0 as I considered that a possibility. I still did not find this particularly amusing.
-------------------------------------------
That's cool, I don't expect good grades coz I'm not a Uer regular, which means I don't run off Uber time like the sad, pathetic git that you are
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:48:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time that I die, I will be sure to remember the valuable information that I learned from this post.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:35:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:21:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
*looks at calender*
*notes the big WED over todays date.*
*-2's an incorrectly placed SPT*
*goes back to read post*
-----------------------------------------
The world doesn't revolve around America. Where I'm from, it's 0500hrs THURSDAY morning! One hour left then I finish work.
------
Note the Ubertime? I run on what Uber says. But I will even it to a 0 as I considered that a possibility. I still did not find this particularly amusing.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"The world doesn't revolve around America. Where I'm from, it's 0500hrs THURSDAY morning! One hour left then I finish work."
YOU TELL THOSE YANKEE PIG-DOGS! ALLAH ACKBAR! ALLAH ACKBAR!
2+ for that!
1+ for goodish post!
-3 for balatant showing off.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:37:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I never thought about this, but now I will every night before bed.
Submitted by sleepingmonkey (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:36:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, especially:
5. Make sure that your pillow is crease-free before bed. After you cark it in the face plant position, any folded bits on your pillow slip will leave a crease in your face bigger and deeper than a 50 year old hooker (like throwing a sausage into a cave)
Also: (like throwing a hot dog down a hallway)
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:35:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:21:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
*looks at calender*
*notes the big WED over todays date.*
*-2's an incorrectly placed SPT*
*goes back to read post*
-----------------------------------------
The world doesn't revolve around America. Where I'm from, it's 0500hrs THURSDAY morning! One hour left then I finish work.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:28:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's Wednesday, you silly! This was funny though.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want a KISS coffin. One that has a cooler for beer built in, and plays Detroit Rock City.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:24:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Got this image of me dead with a big shit eating grin giving two thumbs up... that would fuck with people.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-08 13:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
*looks at calender*
*notes the big WED over todays date.*
*-2's an incorrectly placed SPT*
*goes back to read post*