Most Everyone Thinks Hawks Often Dream; You're Occassionally Uncovering Medicinal Utopia So That Dan Isley Evolves (1133 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 2 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2006-02-08 23:43:10 EST
I have nowhere to go with this.....
.......
Uh.......okay. So the hawks, the are nocturnal like bats and those other creatures that don't fly. Ostriches is what I was going for. I had to look it up. This means that they are predators that roam the land like lions with wings, just soaring throught the air and looking at things like me driving my car. They gotta rest obviously, so they grab a branch, maybe the newest issue of Maxim to take a shit on, then stand and sleep LIKE A REAL MAN DOES.
That's when the dream phase comes in. It's a complicated process with their brains, I mean it's really a sensitive bird when it comes to noise because the media man, the media scares the fuck out of hawks into thinking "I'm a target for terrorists. How am I going to live with this? I can never sleep. Someone is always coming for me. I'm not sure if there's a hunting season we have or anything, I mean, I'm an animal and think i'm immortal. I don't understand how i'm having rational thought". BUT IT HAPPENS. Birds are capable of speaking, okay? I had a scarlet parrot by the name of Elvis when I was a child that knew how to say "Ow" and "AAAAAAAAAAHGGGHHGHGH", because they fucking yell all the time and I swear to god, it's chalkboard to nails shit people.
I used to ask my parrot what he dreamt about, but he was too pre-occupied pooping green liquid on my shoulder. I figured that parrots must not have souls like hawks, so I didn't push it any further other than that. But seriously, hawks dream about things that you wouldn't believe. First off, I read this on one of those fruit roll-ups little nuggets of knowledge that SCIENTISTS hooked one up to a brain machine, one of those CAT scanners or whatever, and blurped out a black and white picture of a Fritos chip bag. Apparently they eat that shit up like cancer.
They also dream about going to prom, having a first kiss, writing a song for Celine Dion, the fuck? Whatever, I guess they also dream about x,.m./m?mx/xmx and how cool Zach Morris was on Saved By The Bell. Who else gives a time-out to time itself? You don't have the balls, I'm sure.
..............The second part of the title is rather easy to explain. Dan Isley was the kid that I had to pretty much take care of in elementary school when I was in fifth grade. We were assigned certain younger children to be "friends" with who were, well, either mentally or physically disabled. He was extremely mentally retarded and often difficult to understand, but I think the time I spent with Dan was something that changed my live forever.
At first we were forced to interact in odd questioning sessions where we asked each other inane non-personal things you would usually ask when you first meet someone. Didn't help the kid has been picked on his whole life, and that I didn't feel very comfortable with him at first. Being a child, I did laugh at him a little bit when he'd start yelling "Nolan Ryan HURRRR", but I never tried to be cruel. Twice a week we would see each other, and I really grew to enjoy him as a person for many reasons; mainly because nothing got to the kid. He truly didn't give a fuck, and I admired that. I really considered him my friend, and when other kids would resort to calling him names and the sort, I always stood up for the kid. Unless the other kids were bigger than me, then I'd join in. I mean, come on, kid's brain was made of two things; ice cream and baseball. That's it. Anything else didn't matter.
Anyways, here's why I do drugs. Mind expansion. We need to test the creative bounds of our internal beings so that we may learn what the perfect length and width our fulcrum should be to balance itself on the center of life. It's balance, chaos and unity, everything and nothing, to understand. When I do drugs, I know that I think differently than I do when I'm not on drugs, be it caffeine or alcohol or whatever else above and beyond. The problem with this is that, most don't understand what drugs or how much they should be doing. You need to......wait a second......don't do drugs. What am I talking about? Drugs are horrible for you in every possible way, bringing nothing but longing and pain. Except for mushrooms. Mushrooms are the key to evolution.
And that's where Dan comes in. I don't want retarded people anymore, okay? We need to evolve to the point where someone who is mentally retarded is about in my condition, which is good or bad depending on your perspective. We need to eat mushrooms once a month. I could be talking about any type of mushrooms Dick Cheney, because I like to cook for my friends on the weekends. Yeah, the imaginary ones. It's good times............Denver Omelettes...........orange juice..........it's usually dinner-time but I make breakfast.........yeah, good old toast...................get a back massage from Sarah...............grab some gravy..........throw it out the window...........kill a cop with it.................date his mother.............buy her a Wal-Mart or something.............find a job selling vegetables on the side of the road in Kentucky...............I think he's gone. I'M TALKING ABOUT PSILOCYBIN MUSHROOMS. TAKE PSILOCYBIN MUSHROOMS FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND. YOU WILL NEVER LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE FRANKLY I'M FRIGHTENING. The caps doesn't help much either, I suppose. That and I've talked about this before, I think.
So my question is, why the fuck do people say anything? What's the purpose of talking? I think it only complicates non-verbal body language and causes confusion. Anyone disagree?
User Reviews
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-03-26 15:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best post ever.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-02-13 20:00:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-13 18:57:48 (#)
Ranking: 1
jesus christ....
******
hahaha
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-09 18:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for parrots
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-02-09 13:23:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell, man.
Beauty in it's purest form!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-09 10:57:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my mind hurts now
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-02-09 09:35:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Shrooms are indeed the answer to all things pertinent.
We need to party, man. We could have wheelchair races with the residents of local nursing homes or shoot pidgeons or shoot nursing home residents while racing pidgeons in wheelchairs. Whatever, man; as long as it involves birds and old people, I'm down.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-02-09 09:33:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<insert random laughter> nice title
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-02-09 08:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-09 08:39:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
I love mohawks on black people. I had your lunchbox when I was 22. Good times.
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That ain't no mohawk suckah! That's my goatee beard - It done crawled up my head to get away from my gold.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-02-09 08:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear voices now. Thanks.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-09 08:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love mohawks on black people. I had your lunchbox when I was 22. Good times.
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-02-09 08:26:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr T gonna stand with his arms folded, head nodding slowly 'til you suckah's get the message.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-02-09 04:29:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-02-09 02:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-02-09 02:02:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title even though I like Method. You should've potty trained your parrot not to crap on you though. Mine's potty trained so ha!
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I remember your post about Mai Tai {I have a weird memory} please do another post with him in it! He gave me chills, the good kind, and the bad kind.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-09 02:10:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He was too pre-occupied pooping green liquid on my shoulder.
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This made me simultaneously laugh like a douche and throw up a little in my mouth.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-02-09 02:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title even though I like Method. You should've potty trained your parrot not to crap on you though. Mine's potty trained so ha!
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-02-09 01:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You remind me of someone I love, when he's stoned silly.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-02-09 00:43:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh...
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-09 00:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude's gotta die, 0-mas. Dude. Has. Got. To. Die. Because he's human.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-09 00:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Obligatory "I made errors" content. Coinciding "don't give a fuck" comment. Concluding with a "I wouldn't be writing this if I cared explanation, thus contradicting and confusing me, causing me to realize I just used a lot of words that start with a C" comment.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-08 23:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work on the title...I'm happy I got it before reading the reviews.
I am sofa king ret-arr did. Meye lerning did mi kno gud.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-08 23:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That's what I was just thinking BigMike!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-02-08 23:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL. Funny and I didn't even read it.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-08 23:45:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
look closely at the title, Method.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-08 23:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment