An End and a Beginning (491 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.7 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Remy L (View user info) at 2006-02-09 09:22:12 EST
A friend once asked me what it was like to be a father. For the neglectful sperm and egg donors with no interest in their child's well-being, this does not apply. This is about responsibility and authority and love. For the single and childless this is a boring topic akin to a dead horse that has been beaten, raped, drawn, quartered, beheaded, castrated, and then beaten again. But, I write this anyway for those who have, want, can't have, and don't care.
Life, as you knew it, is over. That's the quick summary in seven words. You no longer exist as the person you once thought you were. Your life does not belong to you. Every decision you make must be made in the interest of your child.
Eat healthy and get plenty of sleep, because the last thing you want is to be sick and have to worry about the child getting sick or not being able to take care of the child because you can barely breathe.
Don't get drunk. That opens up a whole new world of problems that you don't want. Ever.
Get used to the smell of shit. Not much else to say on that one. Get used to it. Remember when Fat Bastard said, "Everyone loves their own brand?" The nice thing about a baby is that it's half your brand, so it's not as bad as it could be.
For all the fears you suddenly develop, everything is new. You have a whole new life to start.
You won't remember changes and growth. You'll realize you never saw it happen, the changes just sneak up on you. The baby that rocked from side to side while it lay on its back is suddenly crawling down the hallway, chasing you. The little hands that could barely hold your pinky finger suddenly grab the remote out of your hand and cover it in drool before you can blink.
The best way to sum it up is this:
You look back on your life and realize that it was incomplete.
Everything could be great and perfect, but once the child is in your life, you realize how incomplete life was before. The comfort comes from remembering that your old life is over. It ended as complete as it could have been at the time. The new one is just different.
Different, and wonderful.
User Reviews
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-10 09:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Those camo pants *used* to be a required part of my daily uniform I wore to work.
And as far as my opinion about kids, I don't hate them. I just dislike parents who don't take steps to curb their kids' misbehavior.
I'd never hit a kid either. Not unless he hit my daughter first.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-02-10 07:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those camo pants you're wearing better be nothing more than a fashion accesory.
I'm also guessing that you came up with that perspective on kiddies when you where 15. I'm not knocking it of course, I'm just reckoning that one makes something of a self-fulfilling prophecy about kids long before one has them.
So did you?
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-09 11:20:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Taste of Monkeys:
That's what I thought it meant, which is why I was confused. Rating doesn't matter, just funny to get criticized by someone who forgets that there are different time zones.
My wife's best friend also "hates children with the passion of a thousand white hot suns" or whatever you said. You'll find that if you like the parents enough, the kids aren't so bad.
My favorite exchange with kids is this:
ME: "If you don't stop, I'm gonna smack you."
KID: "If you hit me, that's child abuse."
ME <leaning over close with an evil look in my eye>: "It's only child abuse if I'm your father."
This results in crying and satisfies my dislike of rotten children.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-09 11:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-02-09 10:26:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
I gots no kids. My wife and I are rather the aunt and uncle that spoil the nieces and nephews.
Here, hear...
I concur. I'd rather save my retirement cash to blow on, well, me and Mrs. Shlongy, instead of on some ungrateful, freeloading, pseudo-dipshit teenagers.
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2006-02-09 11:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A very nice little story. Cheers, Mr. Dad.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-09 11:09:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What does "double post" mean?
Its when you post twice in the same day, a capital offence on Uber. However,according to your user info they were in fact posted on differnt days.
Id give you a +2 to even shit out but i hate children with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, so you only get a +1
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-09 10:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahhh...
"Look here, Aunt and Uncle have saved for you to go to college because your Mommy and Daddy didn't love you."
Good plan... I was thinking of doing the same thing for my niece before we had the baby.
...
And yeah, it's diaper cameltoe.
...
Yes, that's a bear on her butt.
...
What does "double post" mean?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-02-09 10:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I gots no kids. My wife and I are rather the aunt and uncle that spoil the nieces and nephews.
That is the best way to do it, if you ask me. If they're my kids, I'd have to deal with the entire downside in order to get the upside. If they're my sibling's kids, they are required to be on their best behavior while they're visiting (per their parent's rules) or they get punished (by their parents). I get the upside with little of the downside by simply having a guest suite in my house. We live near the Gulf Coast in Florida which has many attractions for nieces and nephews of all ages, so they like to visit. The older ones like the beaches, the younger ones like Sea World, Busch Gardens, Universal Studios, and Disney World (known locally as "Mauschwitz").
And, since we don't have to spend 80% of our income raising them, we can make sure they will be able to afford college when the time comes, even if their parents can't. Don't tell 'em - it's a secret surprise.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-09 10:25:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
CAMELTOE!
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-02-09 10:00:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a wonderful time.
Eventually you'll realize kids are born to drive their parents crazy.
Just like you did.
Just like I did.
Hold them. Read to them. Tell them you love them.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-09 09:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Double post.
And parental gushing.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-02-09 09:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i remember that...
enjoy this time while you can.
they grow. and then you'll start wondering "what was i thinking?" "why oh why did i want kids?"
trust me, you WILL want to kill them.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-09 09:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You do realize your childs butt is a bears face right?