What Choice is this? (601 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -1.53 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Myself (View user info) at 2006-02-09 15:33:46 EST
She would never know, later, if she had somehow made a choice.
Waking up, not knowing why, she knew only that it was dark outside, and something was wrong. With desperate panic the jerked open the door to her bedroom and stepped out into the hall, ran into the kitchen. There she almost stumbled upon the body of her brother. Oh, God, did dad hit him, knock him out? The room was dark, and as she crossed to turn on the light, she slipped on the wet floor, landing painfully. Never hesitating, she stood and flipped on the light. As she turned back towards her brother she caught a glimpse out the window. The shed was on fire. Jerking her eyes immediately back to her brother she saw that yes, he was burned badly. The floor was wet with water. His hair was singed and matted, but he was awake. Oh, God. Kneeling beside him, her mother entered the room, and Joe an old friend. She barely paused to wonder what he was doing there. He had been passing by and seen the fire she would later find out. She knelt again and looked into her brother's eyes. They were glazed. "I'll never be able to kiss girls again", he murmured. "Oh Derrick, your hairs all fucked up, but you've still got your eyelashes, so your eyes are ok" was all she could answer. The last real words she ever said to him. He was in shock; she was in shock. The ambulance could not take her, just her mother. Everyone left. She was alone.
Wiping up the water on the floor was good. It was something to do. She found a piece of something on the floor. Whether it was boiled potato or water log skin, she couldn't bare to investigate. She called Jake. It was two in the morning. "Jake...it's Derrick...There was a fire...Oh, God"
He didn't die immediately. Vanderbilt is a very good hospital. They have a special burn unit where they try new treatments on desperate cases. Her brother was a pioneer in medicine. He had third degree burns on the majority of his body. He was pumped full of fluid to keep him from dehydrating. They had to put shunts into his lungs so they didn't fill with fluid. His eyes were frequently open, drugged, and glossy.
She went to school and did her homework. She went with Jake to see him. But mostly, she walked around the campus ground with Jake. She didn't really spend much time with her brother in the room. She never spoke to him. There were always others around. She spent her days around campus with her boyfriend, doing all the things bad teenage girls do, not the sort of things girls with dying brothers do. Really, she didn't think he would. Not really... No he couldn't die.
She was wrong, so wrong about that. Her parents called her from the hospital. They had shocked him back to life once, but he was fading fast. Why was she home? Oh, God. She couldn't say. She called Jake. No answer. She tried other friends, and finally found someone who could take her. By the time she arrived, her parents were gone, and so was he. Standing in the cold hospital room, she almost said something, almost told him the thing she needed to say. But a nurse came in to prep the bed next to him. She never told him. He never knew. She was in love, and she wasn't a virgin anymore. She thought he should know, for some reason, before he died. She kissed her fingers and touched them to his eyelids, still warm.
She went to school the next day. Some nights she cried so hard, she thought she would suffocate. When they put him in the ground, she thought "Get up, oh god, get up" But he didn't. Never would. Things were blank for a while. Then, she started to wonder.
Did I trade him for Jake? A brother for a mate? She wrote a poem about it, tucked it away.
She would never know, later, if she had somehow made a choice.
User Reviews
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-02-13 13:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-02-09 23:55:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Obviously I made the wrong choice.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-09 22:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
yeah, kinda bland, not well delivered.
i've seen better.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-09 17:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-09 15:35:00 (#)
Ranking: -2
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA CRY ME A RIVER, DICKFACE
calling someone dickface is more entertaining than this post
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-02-09 16:16:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF I'm not reading all that
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-02-09 16:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs less ghey
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-09 15:57:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
What's it called when you tell a story in the third-person from a first-person?
Second-person?
Fourth-person?
Shit I hate math.
Constructively speaking, if this were told from the first-person with a sad tone and slow word pacing, you would have evoked a more substantial emotional response from the reader.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-09 15:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-09 15:37:32 (#)
Ranking: -2
She wrote a poem about it, tucked it away.
----
shoulda posted the poem instead
---
Would have been easier to rewrite and mock appropriately.
This, above, is a case of WTF I'm Not Rewriting All That.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-09 15:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs more rape.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-02-09 15:40:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
8////////////////////////////////////////D <-------for you
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-09 15:39:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
for the effort.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-09 15:37:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
She wrote a poem about it, tucked it away.
----
shoulda posted the poem instead
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-09 15:35:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA CRY ME A RIVER, DICKFACE