Method's guide on what not to do when applying for a job (3022 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.65 on 119 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Method (View user info) at 2006-02-10 10:27:50 EST
You know, I get a lot of resumes from Craigslist for the job postings I put up. To say the process is infuriating is an understatement. I read these resumes and wonder what these people could possibly be thinking. Here is a list of things NOT to do when applying for a job. If I see any of these things, I delete your email immediately. You won't even be considered for the job.
Honestly, it's common sense.
1. This is the most important one, and quite frankly, blows my mind that people don't do this. Use a professional email address. Emails from addresses such as "mochalover69.at.aol.com" and "BBWwitdagoodz.at.yahoo.com" get deleted immediately. I don't even look at your fucking resume.
2. Read the fucking ad before you shoot off an email. If the job you're applying for is "Customer Service", your cover letter better not fucking say:
"Dear Sir or Madam,
I am interested in the available tech support position on Craigslist"
If the fucking ad is for a customer service position, and you write tech support, you can go fuck yourself.
3. Addendum to #2: If you spell interested as "intreseted", I sure as fuck don't want you working for me. If I did, I'd just post the ad on the uberboard and hire Electro, our resident retard. What the fuck is so difficult about spell check? Obviously you don't care enough about this job to do so, and obviously I don't care enough to bother interviewing you.
4. Proofread your resume. Please. The following is an actual email convo I had with an individual:
Her resume read as follows:
XYZ Company - Receptionist - 11/2005 - 6/2002
My email to her:
Dear xxxxx,
"Thank you for your interest in the position. Unfortunately, at this time, we are not hiring time travelers. We will keep your resume on file in the event that we have to save the future from an evil robot with an Austrian accent."
Her response:
"What?"
My response:
"Never mind. You're fired."
5. Please don't send resumes as a .txt attachment, a wps attachment (circa 1983), or some other alien format that takes me the better half of the day and a pentagram chalked into my office floor to open and decipher.
6. If your cover letter states the following: "Please do not call me because my parents don't speak good english and I don't want them to ruin this for me" I'm probably not going to bother calling.
Why?
Because you just said NOT TO CALL YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. AND YOU SAID "MY PARENTS DON'T SPEAK GOOD ENGLISH". FUCK YOU.
7. If the ad says the position offers...oh, let's be generous and say $30,000, and you come in here for an interview and tell me you want $50,000, don't get mad when I tell you what we're offering. Don't yell at me for wasting your time, tell me that you came all the way from Bumblefuck, Alabama for this interview, and that you're worth a lot more. Chances are I'm not going to hire you, and most likely I'm going to tell you to get the fuck out of my office while shooting rubberbands at you.
Yes, I have a rubberband ball. Staples sells them for a buck and change. I bought 30 of them on the company dime.
8. Girls, godammit, I know you think you're slick, and I know you think that showing your mammaries off with a low cut shirt at an interview will increase your chances, but that shit will make me extremely uncomfortable. You'll be talking and I'll be staring at your tits, or at least trying NOT TO stare at your tits. That's just bad news all around.
That tells me that:
A. You're a fucking cock tease, and hiring you would mean I would have to change my title to "V.P. of Blue Balls"
B. I'm going to get sued at some point for something that I didn't do, but most likely thought about doing to you.
C. You're a filthy whore. I'll call you a week later and ask you out on a date, but you won't get the job.
So, ladies and gentlemen, those are just a few key tips on what not to do on a job interview.
Look out for the next installment: Methods guide on how not to get fired
Here's a little teaser: If, on a daily basis, you dress like Boxcar Charlie, the hobo that lives under the bridge, and you show up one day wearing a suit, chances are your boss is going to figure out what the fuck is going on.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-08-13 17:33:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-26 15:17:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Keep the +2's, they raise my rating and piss me off
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-26 15:05:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You covered the "joke" question thoroughly enough, I can't imagine anyone going more in depth. I'll leave your 5 +2's before sunset, as I am cooking out now and the Kang loves his grill time. Thanks.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-26 14:57:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
actually, I did look for it, out of curiosity.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40524
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-26 14:56:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Elvis, I guess you had to be around back then to appreciate the 'rape slave' song. It was when a certain user named Lojope posted a true story about getting raped by her ex boyfriend, which sparked a HUGE debate about rape, and whether girls fuck guys over by having sex with them, then crying rape the next day just to be attention whores. It was a huge clusterfuck with people attacking each other left and right.
If you want, you can search for it here, but I can't be bothered doing it for you
http://www.ubersite.com/u/lojope
As serious or stupid as it was, take your pick, Koolmang (who was a fucking unique character in his own right and has been banned a long time since), was running around singing the rape slave song and generally making a mockery of the entire fiasco.
It was his remake of the "milkshake" song.
Again, you had to be there. Same as the Urbane thing, I suppose.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-26 14:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pardon the 0, see below, and i hope someone will answer the question. have a 2.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-26 14:46:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Someone actually took the time to copy/paste the below. If anyone will tell me what is funny about it, simply and without sarcasm, I will give you five plus 2s to your lowest rated posts... to anyone who will explain what is funny about it. If 3 people explain it, they all get 5 +2s, etc. Thank ya... you know the rest.
//
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-13 22:22:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just thought I'd drop by and give a +2 for this:
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-13 16:47:59 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-07-04 21:51:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
My rape slave brings all the rapes to the yard,
And they're like: "Rape rape-rape-rape rape!"
Submitted by fading_suns (user info) at 2006-02-26 14:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like work humor. It makes me laugh, especially when reading it at work.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2006-02-14 22:48:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
got it. thanks.
Submitted by deadgy6 (user info) at 2006-02-14 16:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
angry posts make me happy
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-14 16:14:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally unrelated to this post, but amusing:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81858#1767168
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-13 22:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just thought I'd drop by and give a +2 for this:
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-13 16:47:59 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-07-04 21:51:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
My rape slave brings all the rapes to the yard,
And they're like: "Rape rape-rape-rape rape!"
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-13 11:16:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pentagram chalked into my office floor to open and decipher.
HAHAHHAHAHAHHA!
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-02-13 11:07:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Actual Resume I received for the tech support job I posted on CareerBuilder:
From: wellhungdaddy.at.earthlink.net
Alejendro Hernandez
123 Fake St.
Orlando FL 32773
- Hard Worker
- Always there
- Experienced
2005-2006
Blockbuster Entertainment
Orlando FL
You will find my reumber attached.
<no attachment>
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2006-02-11 20:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gothica (user info) at 2006-02-11 19:48:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-02-11 14:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+4 for a post that produced SO many gems - the ratings are better than the post.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-02-11 14:48:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahaha
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:37:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh lordy...somebody put YOU in charge of hiring people?!
Well I guess someone's gotta take care of organizing all the alters on Uber.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-11 14:27:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-10 23:17:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:26:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!
_______________________
Jesus fucking Christ, man, I hear hits on the US (and sometimes directly on my home state) every goddamn day, but I never flip out. Eat a fucking Vicodin.
===
Jesus fucking Christ, you're sensitive.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-02-11 12:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2006-02-11 03:18:03 (#)
Ranking: -1
Someone needs to bitch slap Method.
Its not very nice to call people, especially me, 'Retarded.'
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2006-02-11 12:09:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, like you were ever in a position to fire others.
Submitted by Entaran (user info) at 2006-02-11 11:10:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As an employer, I can sympathise with what is being said.
Please note women, PLEASE PUT YOUR FUCKING TITS BACK IN YOUR GODDAMNED SHIRT.
I don't walk around all day with my pants pulled tight around my cock, so you shouldn't walk around all day with your tits almost hanging out in an attempt to get picked before anyone else.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-11 03:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:26:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!
/////
Who's this little cunt stain? He needs his prissy ass kicked by a real man.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-02-11 03:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2006-02-11 03:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Someone needs to bitch slap Method.
Its not very nice to call people, especially me, 'Retarded.'
Now, office jokes are amusing, and would get a +2 from me...
but since you fucked up, you get a -1. Try again.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-10 23:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:26:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!
_______________________
Jesus fucking Christ, man, I hear hits on the US (and sometimes directly on my home state) every goddamn day, but I never flip out. Eat a fucking Vicodin.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 23:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, I'm doing quite well, Sherlock. I tend to take breaks from Uber once in a while...you know, just to get the taste of shit out of my mouth
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-10 22:01:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
in between jobs yourself, huh? (it's obvious, looking back on your posts-to-date ratio.) goood luck.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2006-02-10 21:43:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahhaah
*ejaculates*
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-10 21:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 16:15:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-02-10 16:13:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah and mistress you can come work for me. I need a sex slave. I pay good. I give you food once in a while.
========================
I am already a sex slave. I'm married to an Italian. I don't need to be fed, his mother takes care of that quite nicely.
----------
excessive pasta intake leads to big soft boobies. keep it up. we'll wait.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2006-02-10 20:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever, dude. Ever since that time you told me that those naked pictures were so the HR department could run a background check and then I found them on that website, I don't trust ANY of your career advice...
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2006-02-10 18:54:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2006-02-10 18:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
C. You're a filthy whore. I'll call you a week later and ask you out on a date, but you won't get the job.
----------------------------------------------------------
You're a good man.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-10 17:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
5. Please don't send resumes as a .txt attachment, a wps attachment (circa 1983), or some other alien format that takes me the better half of the day and a pentagram chalked into my office floor to open and decipher.
------
That's why I send everything using Lotus 1-2-3.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-02-10 17:14:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stupid people.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 16:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-02-10 16:13:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah and mistress you can come work for me. I need a sex slave. I pay good. I give you food once in a while.
========================
I am already a sex slave. I'm married to an Italian. I don't need to be fed, his mother takes care of that quite nicely.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-02-10 16:13:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah and mistress you can come work for me. I need a sex slave. I pay good. I give you food once in a while.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-02-10 16:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really funny. But now im trying to remember the funny stuff in it. I can't remember a thing i just read.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 16:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please hire me. I am looking for a job. I am an executive administrative assistant and I make good coffee. I know everything there is to know about being your Xerox and Email bitch. I am currently working in Philadelphia. Seriously. Get me out of here. I don't file my nails at my desk and I'm not a gossip. I have big boobs, but they are restrained properly.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest thing I have read in 2006.
Submitted by Parry (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:24:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:26:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
[...] After that, the country[France] started rolling up like a carpet.
YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!
----------------------------------------------------------------
This line can be appended to the decription of French participation in any war.
Regardless of if i "know shit" or not, it is still funny to make fun of the French...
Submitted by Hash_brownie_supreme (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:03:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I enjoyed all the "fucks", so +1 for you.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey, I got MY job off of craigslist!
......that.....just made things worse, didn't it?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mein alter....You DO realize that if you're hiring off of the likes of the CraigsList readership, that you're basically enlisting the services of fucking morons, dipshits, dumbasses and lonely losers...right?
What are you looking for...Drive-thru window assistant managers and expert leaf blowers?
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
>>5. Please don't send resumes as a .txt attachment, a wps attachment (circa 1983), or some other alien format that takes me the better half of the day and a pentagram chalked into my office floor to open and decipher.<<
Speaking of antiques, once had a marketting manager put a 5 1/4" floppy from her home computer into her laptop's CD Drive. Made an amazing stench.
Also agree on the topic of low-cut shirts. I have an assistant who wears them in all the time. My wife would kill her, except for the fact that she's also my sister, which makes the whole thing rather like punishment.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:23:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you guys are so cute.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:21:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALTER ALTER ALTER ALT-
Oh wait. It's you.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At the end of my first stint in College (Forestry), me and a friend hit the computer lab to work on our resumes.
About an hour in, Jim declared victory and went for a quick trip to the cafeteria. He left his computer on, and signed in, so I decided to modify his resume slightly.
I changed his carreer statement from something nice about "Becoming and integral member of the Provincial Foresty Community." to "My plans for the province are to log it, pave it, and paint it green. I will not rest until British Columbia is the largest parking lot in the world and people have to refer to me as Jimbo Fancypants Grand Overlord of the Nine Hells."
He took longer than expected to return, and when he did, I was preoccupied with helping a cute blonde log into her student account.
I remembered to tell him about a week later, after he'd sent out about 15 resumes.
Fooker got 3 interviews from it.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:17:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:47:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd like to be in a position to interview people, if only to use the phrase, "by any means necessary" when asking questions. ie: "tell me about a time when you had a disagreement with a co-worker, and how you resolved it...by any means necessary". Makes the whole thing sound more dire. Be sure to lean forward and stare unblinkingly when you say that last part.
====
Aheh. +1 for that
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:39:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hire me! I'll suck you off, make your coffee, proofread your letters and wipe your ass. All for 10 cents an hour.
======================================
Your hired...can you start tomorrow? Oh, and the dress is casual and towels are provided
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:06:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wear
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
greeks where dresses
Submitted by Smack_Fuck (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:52:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
british people have bad teeth???
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
do you REALLY want to get into ethnic smells, stupid? When I went to France I had to wear an army issued gas mask just to circumnavigate the streets of "Gay Paree" without being overwhelmed by the awful stench of B.O, and not one fucking woman was aware of the fact that they're supposed to shave their pits on a regular basis. The one hot woman I saw looked like a fucking wookie.
Le gross.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:48:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
turkish, lebanese, middleeastern, greek...it's all the same to me. same hairy bodies and weird smells.
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd like to be in a position to interview people, if only to use the phrase, "by any means necessary" when asking questions. ie: "tell me about a time when you had a disagreement with a co-worker, and how you resolved it...by any means necessary". Makes the whole thing sound more dire. Be sure to lean forward and stare unblinkingly when you say that last part.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:43:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
shish kabab has nothing to do with Greeks, you fucking Foie gras eating retarded mongoloid, that's Middle Eastern.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:40:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
there you go, shish kabab
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you forgot my -2, femme
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:32:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I went to school...as we saw in Gansta's Paradise, americans don't learn much.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:29:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and where do you get your "facts", the "internet"
Yeah, real reliable source there buddy. It took me 3 days researching in the library to get my material.
The ABS Library.......
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:26:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses."""
That's not true. They were certain Hitler would pass through Belgium. They even found a detailled plan in a german crashed plane. They sent 1 million forces and their best equipment to face Hitler in Belgium. Germany knew France had its plan so they opted to pass through the Ardennes, something that had been considered impossible, just south of where the french troops were waiting. When Germany busted through Beligum, the majority of french forces were completly surrounded, without supply and were eventually evacuated at Dunkirk. After that, the country started rolling up like a carpet.
YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:08:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually had a guy show up for an interview in khaki cargo shorts and a Metallica t-shirt. My assistant didn't even let him in the door.
"Oh hell no! Get out!"
"Dilma, where's my zero nine thirty interview?"
"I fired his ass!"
"Roger. Carry on."
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HERES SOME MORE FODDER FOR YOU TO CHEW ON, YOU UNGRATEFUL SHITBOMB
Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.
Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.
Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.
Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.
Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.
India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.
Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.
1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.
Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.
French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):
1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.
St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.
Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.
Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.
[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.
Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.
Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:
Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).
Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:
The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
===
And you complain that the world is ungrateful hahahah
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The only country the U.S. ever managed to win against without tremendous support from allies or without joining the winning side when the outcome was already decided (hello WWI/WWII) is Grenada, so STFU YOU WOP!!
-2 fetaface!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:00:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You have no idea the maelstrom you just created, Frenchie. I am going to fuck your world up.
THiS MeANS WaR, AND WE ALL KNOW HOW FRANCE DOES WHEN IT COMES TO WARFARE
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:59:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My rubberband ball is bigger than yours
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:55:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What, you want to fuck some pasty white Caulaincourtesque skinny French kids? """
I'm not skinny and I'm far from pasty white.
And Vancouver is on the side of the world, idiot.
-2 Grecque!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:42:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
GREEKS DON'T WEAR SUITS COS THEY GET SWEAT PATCHES.
===================
ahaahahhahahah!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:43:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
vancouver is above seattle hun. and actually there's one below it too.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:42:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
GREEKS DON'T WEAR SUITS COS THEY GET SWEAT PATCHES.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:30:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:04:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
MistressFist, exactly where the hell do you think Vancouver is? Caulaincourt is MONTREAL, in QUÉBEC. Vancouver is BRITISH COLUMBIA. No frogs there. Since you're British, let me put it this way. The distance between Montreal and Vancouver is approximately the distance between London and Damascus, Syria. No kidding, Mont.-Vancouver is 3,680 km, while London-Damas. is 3,540 km. Yeah. My country is big.
============================
I'm American actually. Which explains why my geography sucks. I blame the schools.
Anyhow, I'm off to Krispy Kreme, and to stop at the pharmacy for some Dexatrim.
Hahahahah
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny stuff.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:43:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
how does 500 resumes in 1 day sound to you
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sounds like a good reason to hire an assistant.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:45:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:39:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hire me! I'll suck you off, make your coffee, proofread your letters and wipe your ass. All for 10 cents an hour.
-----------------------
I'll do it for 5 cents/hour.
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Foonbo made me snort with laughter.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:04:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:50:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:47:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hire me and place me in your Vancouver office
=======
What, you want to fuck some pasty white Caulaincourtesque skinny French kids? Please, they enjoy the rape. Go for the fat American kids, at least they fight it a little, and can be placated afterwards with a Twinkie and a Coke.
===========
MistressFist, exactly where the hell do you think Vancouver is? Caulaincourt is MONTREAL, in QUÉBEC. Vancouver is BRITISH COLUMBIA. No frogs there. Since you're British, let me put it this way. The distance between Montreal and Vancouver is approximately the distance between London and Damascus, Syria. No kidding, Mont.-Vancouver is 3,680 km, while London-Damas. is 3,540 km. Yeah. My country is big.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:01:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:50:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:47:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hire me and place me in your Vancouver office
=======
What, you want to fuck some pasty white Caulaincourtesque skinny French kids? Please, they enjoy the rape. Go for the fat American kids, at least they fight it a little, and can be placated afterwards with a Twinkie and a Coke.
=======
I'd molest Caul... I MEAN NO! NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID <WEEPS> I LIKE KITTENS!
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe... blowjob... hehehe...
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:53:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:47:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hire me and place me in your Vancouver office
=======
What, you want to fuck some pasty white Caulaincourtesque skinny French kids? Please, they enjoy the rape. Go for the fat American kids, at least they fight it a little, and can be placated afterwards with a Twinkie and a Coke.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hire me and place me in your Vancouver office
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeebus what kind of job are you advertising for? Electro clubbing?
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:45:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:39:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hire me! I'll suck you off, make your coffee, proofread your letters and wipe your ass. All for 10 cents an hour.
-----------------------
I'll do it for 5 cents/hour.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:45:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
500 in a day?!?
I'm sure that there are some real doozies in there - fodder for uber-posts.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
how does 500 resumes in 1 day sound to you
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:42:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I suppose that most of this applies to the technically savvy side of the world.
In the trades, most of what you have listed here doesn't really matter.
We want to meet and see the individual, talk to them, get a feel for their abilities and attitude before we make decisions.
You may be missing out on some good people.
I say give me and good attitude and a drive to work hard and I'll take that anyday over the guy with all the skill in the world but a piss poor attitude.
But you probably deal in a larger volume of applicants than I do.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:39:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hire me! I'll suck you off, make your coffee, proofread your letters and wipe your ass. All for 10 cents an hour.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's time for another method/caulaincourt -2 flame war
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:27:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
YOURE GONNA PAY FOR THAT SHIT, FRENCHIE
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE
===
NO YOU DON'T!
HAHA, -2 AGAIN
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:31:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have good points Mr. Method.
The spelling thing is what gets me everytime.
If you can't speel, I don't want you werking fer me.
Serioosley.
Don't tell me you went to school for buziness or that you are detail orenteed.
Happens all the time.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
PP, ANY shirt you fucking wear will be low cut, those things cannot be tamed by any material known to man
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:29:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of these are bullshit. I always wear low cut tops to interviews, but I usually have had an offer before that.
I think it's because my email address is 'willblowrecruitersforjobs.at.yahoo.com'
It's either that or because my current address is a nudist colony.
Either way I still rock
*giggle*
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:28:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So ... do I get the job?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
YOURE GONNA PAY FOR THAT SHIT, FRENCHIE
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Thank you for the advice I got in "Choix de Carrière" in 6th grade!
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:21:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:52:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I do this all the time, but my routine usually starts with "Pretend that you're a hiring manager".
---
Wear a suit and go to some random place. Employment office, temp agencies, etc. Sit in a parked car outside the place. When you see a hot chick go in, stand around outside the door. When the hot chick comes out, pretend you work at the place, fuck her, whatever, and tell her she got a job.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blah blah blah...quit whining.
Love you.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had someone send me a cover letter using the wrong company name. Well if you have such a high interest in working for that company, why don't you apply there instead of here?
If somewhere on the resume you claim to be meticulous and pay attention to detail, make sure the damn thing is perfect.
I'm just sayin'
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never pictured you as a suit.
Number 8 is very, very true.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
5. Please don't send resumes as a .txt attachment, a wps attachment (circa 1983), or some other alien format that takes me the better half of the day and a pentagram chalked into my office floor to open and decipher.
Can I get an Amen?
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
C. You're a filthy whore. I'll call you a week later and ask you out on a date, but you won't get the job.
--
Here's what you do. Call them up. They ask about the job. You tell them you'd like to discuss it over dinner. Make them think they're still in the running, but you're unsure the whole time. Tell them at dinner that you had a bad day at work and would like to get to know them on a personal level, that that would help them get the position. Get in position and fuck them. Call them up the next day and tell them that you're very sorry but upper management cancelled the position.
I do this all the time, but my routine usually starts with "Pretend that you're a hiring manager".
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:49:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:44:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love interviews, especially when I don't need a job. You learn so much about people when you don't give a fuck, and they know it.
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The three times in my life that I did that, I got the job.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Midtown manhattan steakhouse seeking part time flyer passer. I need a person who is friendly considerate and well groomed,enthusiasm is a must. If this is not you're not type of work please do not respond. The job pays 10 dollars an hour. lunch provided after shift. hours will vary call 212-935-2500 ask for George. Serious responses only. do not email
Job location is 7east 48th st
Compensation: 10 dollars an hour plus lunch """
manhattan Kebab shop more like.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love interviews, especially when I don't need a job. You learn so much about people when you don't give a fuck, and they know it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Could've been better. Nice, nonetheless.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:41:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the electro comment made me choke on my coffee.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:34:50 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:32:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to find your craigslist postings and harass you.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh lordy...somebody put YOU in charge of hiring people?!
Well I guess someone's gotta take care of organizing all the alters on Uber.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A. You're a fucking cock tease, and hiring you would mean I would have to change my title to "V.P. of Blue Balls"
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that job would suck, you'd need to get a new job that involved sucking.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:34:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:32:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to find your craigslist postings and harass you.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:34:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hire the hot chick.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Once in a while, I think that it's fun to show up at work in a tie, and tell the bossman that I have to leave early for a 2 o'clock appointment.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to find your craigslist postings and harass you.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-10 10:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"A. You're a fucking cock tease, and hiring you would mean I would have to change my title to "V.P. of Blue Balls"
+1 for that