The Uberbury Tales: Prologue, Part 4 (683 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: uberbury_tales
Rating: 1.8 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-02-10 12:03:46 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81465 - the original post w/ the beginning of the Prologue.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81638 - the Prologue, the Tech (Knight), the Intern (Squire), the Logger (Yeoman), the Prioress, the Nun, and the Three Priests
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81820 - the Monk, the Preacher, the Merchant, and the Clerk
THE LAWYER
A lawyer, slick as duckback, sat beside,
Recently returned from Telluride,
Skiing slopes as slippery as the moral
Shunt he'd lately balanced 'pon; in oral
Mastery there were none as good as he,
In arguments, reverse psychology
And baited traps set six moves in advance
Would snare opponents - nothing left to chance
When dealing with the highest court of law;
He wore no trace of beard upon his jaw
For he was far too young for stubbly skin,
A youth, to be quite certain, but within
His ripening brow, past white, unmarred skin,
There lay a knowledge of code, precedents
Vast enough to allow him circumvent
Hassles that lesser counsel would incur;
A student of the game, he looked the part:
His cufflinks, gold, his breasted suit quite smart,
In motion he was as mercury freed
Aqueous as if Ian Thorpe indeed,
He idly chatted with a woman, phoned,
While all the room his eyes did roam.
THE RETIREE (the Franklin)
A man retired retired nearby with glee
He offered food, and drink, and more to me
For never was he one to fail a man
Or share the fruits of labor from his hands,
For well were drawn the colored cards of Fate:
His wealth had come from purchased real estate
Across the country up and down the coasts,
His pockets deep, he strived to be a host
Congenial, worked to best Hugh Hefner
In revelry, magnan'mity and class
"That rooster's free to kiss my wrinkled ass!"
He'd exclaim, drink in hand, to those nearby;
Twin flushed cheeks sat below his bloodshot eyes,
Juice of Dionysus reddened his nose
(And likely flushed him down from neck to toe)
His laughter perpetual flung from lips
Accustomed to jest, anecdote and sip
Born from Bacchanalian bewitching
Of some form or another; in his bag
He ported every type of switch or swag
Necessitated by recreation;
He never stayed put in one location
For too long, traveling either with wife
Or alone to see the world wide, his life
The pursuit of the bigger, better time
And so he tilted often so with wine;
His grandchildren on the way in Boston,
Developments newly bought in Austin:
"Everyone's got something big going on"
He said, the humble fool, then broke to song.
THE HABERDASHER, CARPENTER, DOUCHEMONGER, DYER and
WEAVER
A haberdasher and a carpenter,
A douche-monger, a dyer and weaver
Were huddled beside the vending machines,
A fraternity of workmen, kings, queens,
The lot of them - blue collar royalty,
Bound together in trade by loyalty
To their small town and its customers;
The douche-monger had quite the misnomer
For no product did he make for women
But rather used them on himself, given
To feeling unfresh more often than naught;
To wit: the dyer truly was quite hot;
They wore surprising amounts of denim
We thought them Canadian: their venom
Upon hearing the charge rivaled that of
Angels cast from heaven's reaches above;
One was wheelchair bound, thus got good seating,
They kept to themselves, refusing greetings.
THE COOK
From 'neath Ohio skies there came a cook
His furrowed brow observed above a book,
But none his eyes could spy; a turtle man
Without a half shell, slow to form a plan
Yet slower still to take action or talk
As if waist-deep through sand he lived and walked,
But in kitchens he was fast as lightning;
Unkempt hair twirled in fingers tightening
And releasing - a habit of frayed nerves.
THE SAILOR
A woman gifted with beauty and curves
Sat nearby, though she in uniform hid
These features from the world; she liked to kid
With brethren of naval arms and share tales
Of this deployment, that ship, that detail,
For nautical was her disposition;
She never thought to ask men permission
Before she made a slide of hand or tongue
For if she met a handsome man well hung
Quickly she would move, a lioness she
In all matters of physicality,
Not just a wanton but given to words
Ripe enough to make priests blush into thirds,
Language disrespectful learned from the sea
She passed through reddened lips rel'tive glee;
Bouts of schizophrenia made her talk
To herself, a lady plural in shock;
It would be easy to think her Sapphic
From her housed demeanor, vile and graphic,
But still she matriculated from Yale;
Like her uniform her tight skin was pale,
Hazel eyes made her fetching, lips rose red,
Her nails close-trimmed as regulations said.
THE DOCTOR (the Physician)
Stuck neatly between two men in an aisle,
But not complaining, a doctor broke did smile
To himself while looking o'er the two men
The diagnosis: one for now and then.
An interchange of physic, lust and sport
Afforded him the time to travel short
Distances before called back to engage
A client, lover, or a tourn'ment day;
Bag medicinal by his side, he sat,
Athletic frame with not an ounce of fat
To speak of, temples graying from time's trick
Capped the rugged mop of auburn hair, thick
As thieves and full of product for support;
Perpetual bachelor he, every port
Agreeable should life perchance to storm;
Of tennis stroke he had impressive form
Of basket-shot he could not miss a toss,
He, the captain, was never at a loss
In matters of athletics; he spoke no
Languages besides his own, did not know
The hidden locales tucked away
In Paris or London on rainy days,
For no Continental traveler was he,
Instead vowed the Caribbean to see,
Hopped every island, sipped every rum drink
Snorkeled in Poseidon's waters; to think
Him perpetually gregarious would
Only hurt you in the end, his temper should
Be something easily kept in close check
Considering his calling, yet one step
Over the line and you'd be 'gainst the wall,
He'd maimed a man in Martinique to call
Attention to how he'd stepped on his coat;
"Cave canem" as the wise ancients wrote.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:00:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Savages.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:35:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Another +2 streak come and gone.
I'm amazed it too this long.
Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:27:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're a fucking dork for doing this. This is a masterpiece though:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/18763
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:15:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It seems I've been "blessed."
Awesome.
Yes, that voice would suit these quite well I feel...
Submitted by Brian_Blessed (user info) at 2006-02-17 05:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SPLENDID WORK GOOD FELLOW! WOULD YOU LIKE TO HIRE ME TO SPEAK THESE FINE WORDS IN MY DULCET TONES? IT WOULD BE AN HONOUR!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-12 01:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-02-12 01:28:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good God man!
----
I know. I should be drinking more.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-02-12 01:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good God man!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-12 01:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sober +0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-11 01:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm drunk +2
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-10 18:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THE SAILOR
A woman...
______________
This alone made me laugh.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-10 18:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you call me hot???
*blushes*
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-10 18:22:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I shall be the Miller, Sir Gasmo hath decreed,
I who gave the Neighbor's wife my putrid, rancid seed.
I have carved my place inside this Chaucer-driven farce,
Before it's through, I swear to you, I'll kiss the lady's arse.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-10 16:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:13:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
I need inspiration for my next post. What should I write about?
____________________________________________________________________
Write about the real reason Jack McCallum has been gone:
He is in Quebec with his gay lover, Caul.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:48:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more MyTeeOne.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:00:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm looking forward to the tales.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:52:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:50:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:47:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Lesbian.
===============================
So, I'm part lesbian, what of it? But would you know it by reading this?
She never thought to ask men permission
Before she made a slide of hand or tongue
For if she met a handsome man well hung
Quickly she would move, a lioness she
In all matters of physicality
----
I was kidding licious, since you said you identified with the sailor the most.
As he has a penis.
I'm sorry. PEENER.
Forgot I was in a serious writers forum.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for MyNameIsTim - We don't love you and we never will. Sorry.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:47:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Lesbian.
===============================
So, I'm part lesbian, what of it? But would you know it by reading this?
She never thought to ask men permission
Before she made a slide of hand or tongue
For if she met a handsome man well hung
Quickly she would move, a lioness she
In all matters of physicality
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:28:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I identify with the Sailor more though, anyway.
----
Lesbian.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:28:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:20:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
that's ok hv, i only had one line about me... and it blew.
===================
At least Chaucer here didn't entirely ignore you when he was casting the nun role. *cries*
I identify with the Sailor more though, anyway.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well.....I dunno you wouldn't be so bad off scourge, I would poke some fun because that would be the point of the whole thing, but very light poking. I'm just having a lack of inspiration today. I think two solid weeks of crap has killed my humor for a bit. It needs reviving.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:25:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
I will do the Journey Through the Uber Elite but I need names to put in. I figured I could do CaptainThorns, Nath, and (if you want to play) scourge but I need other names and none are leaping out at me.
I found out that spitting in someones drink, if they find out, can technically be defined as "Attempting to poison" someone. At least that's what the cop told me. Not joking there either.
=====
If you were to include me in this post it should probably have me starring as some sort of street bum rather than any flashy popular character. I'm not what they call Uber-cool. More like an Uber loudmouth jackass. Just ask badassmofo, he'll tell you.
And put Bickerstaff in there. Like some sort of Uber Buddha, he should be.
On the poison thing....just yikes. Thats all. Yikes.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm glad you continued these.
was missing em.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:39:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and SG the Platypus Master because I love him.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:30:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:25:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
I will do the Journey Through the Uber Elite but I need names to put in. I figured I could do CaptainThorns, Nath, and (if you want to play) scourge but I need other names and none are leaping out at me.
===============================================================
Oh, the usual...Shlongy, Professional_Peon, Method, Sideburns, Pentameter...you know.
Don't forget TigerLilly's leg, too.
----
The thing is that it is technically Journey through the Uber Elite 2. The first one (http://www.ubersite.com/m/81861) already included: Bart, Tigerlilly, Orgasmatron, Method, GLALL, Caulaincourt, badassmofo and Shlongy.
I would do Sideburns and Pentameter but they haven't been around for a while so I don't know them as well to parody them. My list as of now includes Captain Thorns, Nath, scourge, ahumblefool, and maybe ghola. I need MORE!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:30:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:25:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
I will do the Journey Through the Uber Elite but I need names to put in. I figured I could do CaptainThorns, Nath, and (if you want to play) scourge but I need other names and none are leaping out at me.
===============================================================
Oh, the usual...Shlongy, Professional_Peon, Method, Sideburns, Pentameter...you know.
Don't forget TigerLilly's leg, too.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERE'S THE PARDONER MOTHERFUCKER??? AND THE MILLER??? GOD THIS IS LIKE SOOOO NOT LIKE THE ORIGINAL.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:39:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe you should do the Uber Elite thing. My suggestion was pretty crap. Based off of something that happened to me the other day, minus the puppy.
I have some stories of the Boy, I'm just not sure I want to share them here. Maybe that other deal....
===
I was supposed to leave before noon today, after a brief early morning meeting with my boss and the a little clean up work. A little bonus for saving my industry some money by killing off a couple pieces of legislation this week. Saving money to the tune of $45M. I've already worked three 13 hour days and one 11 hour day.
Before our little meeting was over she decided that we should stay late today to try and "catch up." I'm not altogether sure what that means. For me it will be translated as "screw around on the internet all day."
I'm tired. Tired and angry.
Should I spit in her drink?
Not sure what to do here.
Suggestions anyone? Physical violence hasn't been completely ruled out yet.
-----
I will do the Journey Through the Uber Elite but I need names to put in. I figured I could do CaptainThorns, Nath, and (if you want to play) scourge but I need other names and none are leaping out at me.
I found out that spitting in someones drink, if they find out, can technically be defined as "Attempting to poison" someone. At least that's what the cop told me. Not joking there either.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:55:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And there I sat upon my ass
Staring out into the grass
Thank you, I am here all week. No, don't get up. Thank you, Thank you.
I shall take my real estate and leave!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:42:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you coulda made it a better line, that is YOUR fault. i don't just eat onions thank you very much. cocksucking nun would've been better seeing as you've renamed me. :p
yeah i shouldn't bitch.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe you should do the Uber Elite thing. My suggestion was pretty crap. Based off of something that happened to me the other day, minus the puppy.
I have some stories of the Boy, I'm just not sure I want to share them here. Maybe that other deal....
===
I was supposed to leave before noon today, after a brief early morning meeting with my boss and the a little clean up work. A little bonus for saving my industry some money by killing off a couple pieces of legislation this week. Saving money to the tune of $45M. I've already worked three 13 hour days and one 11 hour day.
Before our little meeting was over she decided that we should stay late today to try and "catch up." I'm not altogether sure what that means. For me it will be translated as "screw around on the internet all day."
I'm tired. Tired and angry.
Should I spit in her drink?
Not sure what to do here.
Suggestions anyone? Physical violence hasn't been completely ruled out yet.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was kind of hoping for a funny topic....But okay I'll try and spin that. The other thing I was trying to do was a Journey through the Uber Elite 2 but I couldn't think of people. Any ideas?
Hmmm....For you scourge?.......
Maybe a cool story about scourge Jr? Or for comedy, you know how in every sitcom the guy has one vacation he took that was totally outrageous that involves everything to transvestite hookers to snorting coke? Write about YOUR trip.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:25:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aaaaaaaaaaaand I'm out for the day. 12:30 exit from the office, bitches!
DT, the nun'll likely get more coverage once the stories start. Blame G-Chauc for the one line, not me.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's ok hv, i only had one line about me... and it blew.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now you give me a topic HV. I'm brain dead this week.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Write about the phenomenon where people in positions of power have a tendency to disregard potentialities and center their decisions on the present reality. Include something about a cute puppy.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd forgotten about this series.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need inspiration for my next post. What should I write about?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:13:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:07:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was wondering if you were going to come back to these. Just start the next post of this series Gilligans Island style "...and the others." Bam, done.
Then you can write the goddamn stories.
---
It's an idea, but I can't do it. I'm just not that kind of person.
If I start something, I want to see it done right.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:04:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
A list of the 'who's who' - not that it particularly matters, since these aren't one-for-one characterizations whatsoever:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81465#1759401
I long for this long haul to be over so I can get to the actual tales.
----
*sigh* Another list I didn't make.
Granted I think I had only been a registered Uberer for a few weeks at that point.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We had to write our own version of Canterbury back in high school.
We didn't have to rhyme, mind you, but we did have to do it in Old English.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:07:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was wondering if you were going to come back to these. Just start the next post of this series Gilligans Island style "...and the others." Bam, done.
Then you can write the goddamn stories.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:04:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A list of the 'who's who' - not that it particularly matters, since these aren't one-for-one characterizations whatsoever:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81465#1759401
I long for this long haul to be over so I can get to the actual tales.