Lost a Fight, A.K.A. My Friend the Angry Retard (1381 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.6 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Remy L (View user info) at 2006-02-10 12:14:09 EST
All names have been changed to protect me from another retard ass-stomping.
If I offend you with the term "retard" I don't care. It's the quickest, easiest noun to apply to a term we all understand. If the word "retard" offends you, then imaging I'm saying "person with disability" instead.
So let me set the scene for you...
In elementary school I knew a kid who was severely physically handicapped. The problem was that his mind was fine. Better than fine, the kid was really fuckin' smart for a 7-year old. More than anything else, it really upset him when people thought he was stupid and made fun of him. He couldn't speak. He would point to pictures and/or letters on a tray thing mounted in front of him on his wheelchair to express what he thought. Steven Hawking minus the talking hand computer thing.
Growing up, I remembered that physically retarded does not mean mentally. But I DID learn that 18 years of abuse and harrassment can make a normal person really, really, really fucking quick to anger and very aggressive.
In high school I signed up for a kind of tard partnership program. Two or three times a week you would spend the last period of the day with your buddy and hang out with him for a bit afterschool before the tard bus came.
My buddy, Reetee, was physically retarded and confined to a wheelchair. He could speak, but it was severely slurred. I was on the track team for a couple years in high school, and one day he said he wanted to know what it was like to run like that. We figured that the longest hallway in the school was about 200 meters, so the plan was to push him down the hallway while I ran as fast as I could. The beginning of the hall included a gentle 15 degree incline for about 20 feet, and the end of the hallway and a 15 degree downhill slope for about 40 feet. At the bottom of the slope was a set of double doors with a divider in the middle and then 20 feet later a wall of lockers. Just to the right of those doors, after the slope, was the sports therapy office where the athletes would go to complain about shin splints and shit.
You can see where this is going.
The first couple times we did our sprint, it went off without a hitch. It was fun.
Reetee screamed and cheered like a retard going 20 miles an hour in a wheelchair. But remember, he'd never done this before and it was exciting. Try to remember the first time you ran at full speed.
So picture this skinny, 6 foot tall, 130 pound kid pushing a 180 pound retard in a wheelchair at full tilt. You hear screaming like an ambulance in a very empty, echoing hallway.
The school basketball hero was in the therapy office getting his ankle checked. He had twisted it earlier that week and was on crutches. Me and Reetee are barreling down the sloping hallway, and I'm angling to shoot through the double doors before I have to slow down. At the same time, basketball star and his entourage of bitches walk out of the office.
Reetee's chair knocks over one chick and I lose my grip. I trip over basketball star and fall on my face and broke my nose. Injury number one. Keep track, kids, it gets worse.
Reetee goes hurling into the lockers at 20+ and the sudden stop launches him into a standing position and he's flattened against the lockers and falls down. He stands up, shakily, because his legs have serious problems supporting his weight.
Basketball star is laughing his ass off, pointing his crutch at me as I lay there, bleeding. Reetee launches himself at the guy and starts beating the shit out of him and screaming, "Shhhhhuther FUCKUP!! Shhhhhhuther FUCKUP!!"
They are both on the ground, the bitches are screaming for help because the star is getting thoroughly beaten. Reetee looked like an ape slamming his fists down on another ape. Severe beating here. I get up and try to pull Reetee off the dude, and I laugh and say, "He's had enough, Reetee."
Reetee hears my laughing and yells, "I thut yoooo err my FREN!!" and pushes me hard into the lockers. The back of my head hits the metal (a concussion, I found out later) and I get really dizzy. When my eyes focus, Reetee is holding the bottom of a crutch like a baseball bat and swings the padded arm part at my head. This is the part where he fractures my jaw and I hit the ground again and blackout.
At the time, I was wearing my running clothes because I was waiting for practice to start. This means I'm only wearing a tank top for a shirt.
What wakes me up is the worst pain I felt at the time. Reetee was beating me on the back with the crutch. The fact that he was hitting my spine too didn't help. The twisting and jerking spasms as he triggered the nerves in my spinal column, coupled with the blows themselves, resulted in severe muscles tears, sprains, and no shit, separation along the whole left side of my back.
I don't what else was happening. I couldn't see straight and I couldn't hear over Reetee screaming and the dull WHUMP of the crutch on my battered back. If he had told me my name was Toby right then, or that there were five lights (for you Next Generation geeks) I would have agreed. I did scream, which Reetee took as more laughter.
I had my left arm up over my head to protect it. For some odd reason, Reetee dove at me like a rabid African Badger and latched his teeth onto my armpit and bit down hard. Put your first two fingers in your armpit and your thumb on the front of your shoulder and squeeze hard. Now imagine that with angry tard teeth. He broke skin and bit into the tendon there, thoroughly fucking up my shoulder.
Someone showed up and pried Reetee off of me. And wouldn't you fucking know it, he had a piece of skin or some shit in his mouth. HE FUCKING TORE A CHUNK OFF MY SHOULDER! To this day, the scar is kinda funky looking where they had to stretch the skin together to stitch it.
The final score?
If you count the whole event, Reetee 2, Basketball Star 0, Remy 0 (ha ha ha... Remy Zero... no pun intended)
If you count injuries?
One broken nose, one concussion, one broken jaw, muscle and skin lacerations in the left front shoulder, one torn shoulder tendon, muscular separation, tearing, spraining, and bruising from my neck to my buttocks on the left side of my back, bruised spine.
I had to quit running that year, spent about two weeks in a wheelchair while my back healed (oh the irony), took all sorts of groovy painkillers, had to ride the short bus with the elevator (stairs became difficult), and was the laughing stock of the school until after Christmas break.
User Reviews
Submitted by bigdicrick (user info) at 2006-05-02 15:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I would have kicked that tard's azz! Your pain did amuse me as well though.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-02-13 16:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your pain amuses me
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-13 11:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You. Got. Owned.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-02-13 04:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell man ,if they are comin at you means they want something , more better you look after them and take care of them then they get on the street uh?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-13 04:04:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Retard Justice.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2006-02-13 02:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stories about chomps= automatic +2
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-02-13 02:33:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If this is fiction, it's amazing. Otherwise, it's just fucking hilarious.
Submitted by dedre (user info) at 2006-02-12 01:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, great story...
"'tards, they're everywhere..."
Submitted by automatica (user info) at 2006-02-12 00:18:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-02-11 20:42:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CRIPPLE FIIIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHT!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by gothica (user info) at 2006-02-11 20:05:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+4 for getting beat up by a tard jk
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-02-11 14:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for tards
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-11 13:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is a grade A ass-whippin. Wowsers.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-11 10:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2006-02-10 20:59:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
OH my god, Is this story real?
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2006-02-10 20:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH my god, Is this story real?
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-02-10 19:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-02-10 19:20:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way this is written. I especially like the paragraph "You can see where I'm going with this."
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-10 18:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Does "Family Guy" include tard-beatings?
I thought Remy Bux was only in one episode?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-10 16:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you need to change your name here to 'Remy Buxaplenty' - trust me on this one.
Submitted by Tormencha (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
C'mon...sounds like something from SouthPark! Tuh-tuh-tuh Timmaaaa!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
funny, but not true. especially this:
What wakes me up is the worst pain I felt at the time. Reetee was beating me on the back with the crutch. The fact that he was hitting my spine too didn't help. The twisting and jerking spasms as he triggered the nerves in my spinal column, coupled with the blows themselves, resulted in severe muscles tears, sprains, and no shit, separation along the whole left side of my back.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<hushed whisper> ....and it appears that we are in for a real treat....we see the solitary retard, crutching along, warily approaching the watering hole....note the spastic movements which indicate true retard status....now, we musn't draw too close, in order to observe this retarded creature's true habits and mannerisms...and he appears to be agitated over something, and...oh...oh GODS ! Get that camera man BACK ! AAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE !
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:06:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
mles76: I couldn't help it. Reetee was beating the dude like the apes in the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Picture that scene with a 6'6" kid on the ground unconscious and a screaming retard with a mullet.
I can't even type that without smirking.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weeps.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor bastard. Why did you laugh?
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I used to work with "the people with special needs" ("people 1st" language right there) when I was in H.S., so that's how I know what the apology sounded like. I still wouldn't have blamed you if you later on let the air out of his wheelchair tires because it sounded like he MAJORLY fucked you up.
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Errr... actually, pretty close.
Right after my therapy and I could go back to school, we were called into the assistant principals office.
Reetee pulled his wheelchair up next to mine, but facing the opposite way, leaned over, hugged me kinda, and said, "Doood. I'm so sirree. I fill like shit."
My jaw was wired shut still, so I said, "It's cool, dude." through clenched teeth.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:42:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
6' tall and 130 lbs?
That's why you got your ass whipped, scrawny. Plus the reatrd strength thing.
+2 for getting beat by an Electro.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:29:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing happened to him. He apologized to me and the basketball star.
It wasn't his fault, really. No charges were pressed.
By the time my physical therapy was done, he had a new buddy.
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It wasn't his fault??? Come on... he beat your ass with a fucking crutch!?!? I wouldn't have blamed you at all if you hit him back.
Let me guess, his apology went something like this: I orry fo beatn yur ass wida cwutch.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. They should send retards to Iraq to kill the infidels with their retard strength. You only have to feed them pez and they'll go for days like that. Wow. And plus, finally useful to society.
!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't be done. Their wheels suck in the sand.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. They should send retards to Iraq to kill the infidels with their retard strength. You only have to feed them pez and they'll go for days like that. Wow. And plus, finally useful to society.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'was the laughing stock of the school until after Christmas break'
They are still laughing...as am I.
Spazzed!
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:30:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The problem, really, is that I wasn't laughing at him.
I was laughing at him whaling on the basketball kid.
I don't laugh around retards any more.
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing happened to him. He apologized to me and the basketball star.
It wasn't his fault, really. No charges were pressed.
By the time my physical therapy was done, he had a new buddy.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude,
On one hand I say there is no shame in beating up a retard.
On the other, retards have retard strength. You deserved it.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:27:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow. What happened to ReeTee?
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:26:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bummer. Retards are scary.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The moral of this is. You got your ass handed to you by a physically handicapped kid.
Next time drop track, take up Tae Kwon Do.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:21:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-02-10 12:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.