It's Alright, Ma (It's Life, And Life Only) (1110 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.81 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Yellow Dart (View user info) at 2006-02-10 13:51:25 EST
Look alive; I've got to pull the plug out of my mouth before my skull floods over the rim with bullshit that I just don't have the brain-paper to wipe up. I'm in there; I always am; it's the only place I trust in life because I don't have to deal with anyone else. Everyone's malleable in thought. So read with haste for no one likes a waste (see: life).
I open my senses to the senseless idle banter that parades around in its righteous manner throughout the air-waves and across the dinner table. We can all agree that this turkey is delicious but the sexual orientation of Charlotte in Florida will split us quicker than the strike of a hot lightning bolt will kill an idiot with a metal pole. It's all too important not to talk about, of course.
The president of the world can address whatever he likes while I twist and turn in knots in my head because I'm trying to remember if I turned the lock; I'm not concerned at the moment, give me one, will you? The omniscience we crave (what's going on in Africa?) is just a fad of moral attire where you pretend that this new knowledge is actually registering on a level higher than your concern over the colour of your teeth.
Traffic will flow and a satellite will know, as it orbits us all making sure we're sure of its limited time offer; the modern God that hovers and entertains. I strike a shovel into a stranger's property and I might as well have stolen his liver for he claims it's his because the pulp of a tree he's never seen, and never will, has transformed purpose completely into what you can purchase.
"I'll meet you at the finish line" a former life's love whispers in your attune ear before jaunting down the clean halls of consumerism in search of a mannequin dressed the best in a window with the backdrop of the life that chance suggests you'll never get, but a 30 year old marketing agent ensures you otherwise. A prophet for the ages who can sell you the disease of hope and make a dime that even Jesus wasn't crafty enough to charge for.
An illusion on the ceiling of the dentist office suggests we just need to look harder; focus on what's important; if you stare at the shoes on the shelf long enough eventually they'll go on sale. Work harder to make more money; when everyone has this mentality we all inch forward: closer and closer to the finish; inconspicuously edging towards the end because we all want to win with a pat on the back after we've pleasured the system with a guaranteed survival that it just can't give back.
It's all amuck spread over our calendar table-tops in a confusing fashion that still manages to make everything fall into a day of the week and has our death circled in eye-grabbing red while the clock on the wall eats away at your existence; slowly unwinding with each of its hands. You can sit and panic because you think that no one cares about you when you live in a carbon copy house on a carbon copy street; the only thing that will stop anyone to give a damn is a rule with a fine that could potentially be drawn from their human essence should they get caught: money in their veins that's fucked all their brains.
We managed to figure out the universe doesn't revolve around the earth but are still convinced the earth revolves around humans; God made us intelligent, but just not enough to understand where we stand in our blip of existence. Our important history would get less than a second's mention on a 60 minute report of earth from Dan Rather; yet we still get bored and impatient with every matter; repetition is not your friend. To say your life is short is to be naïve; it's so miniscule it's hardly worth a thought.
Numb like a fence built to divide, stretching across a field doused in snow on a winter's day, we live for a wish to be somewhere else. It is here that we think of all that could be and where we should be, for if we're at that place in our minds with a smile across our face and conversation rolling off the tongue of better things and days to come, then we blur out the rest (it's only a night). A swill of a drink that naturally harms, a small price to pay to forget about it all for a while; a night having fun is all we live for, for life is the best when you can't remember it anymore.
I can impose on you and you on me which sights in this world we ought to be seeing but if I cover my eyes so as not to see you staring across the table in awe after I've broken up the ideal in your head, you won't disappear; I'll know you're still there and the same goes for the world that I know is past the horizon that limits what I will think because a child that needs my help is just a foot beyond what I perceive and, by our quickly evolved values and blubbering knowledge of life, out of mind.
So I light a candle and rest in a cave in my head, curl up next to a rock-hard belief I know is not right and that is not wrong, for everything out there is mine as much yours: in mind. We made it this way and I don't think I'm one to say, so we'll all drift off in thought or answer the phone and pretend in our heads that it's different instead.
Just another "soul" stuck here for awhile with nothing better to do than wonder why. We all devote our lives to some endeavour but not genuinely to anything other than the background chorus that echoes everywhere we go and becomes the soundtrack to our lives. "You", it sings, forcing you to think about that at all times, and with so many "me"s in this world what really is 'we'?
What was the point of this, I don't even know why; just something to do.
But it's alright, Ma (it's life, and life only).
Indirectly sparked by some of my favourite lyrics: http://www.bobdylan.com/songs/itsalright.html
User Reviews
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-15 08:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was messy.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-13 18:51:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's alright mamma.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-13 18:36:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-02-13 17:00:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is it that I can post pointlessly amusing crap and get so many hits and comments, when an amazing post like this gets so little attention?
______________
Would you rather read or watch pornography?
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-02-13 17:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is it that I can post pointlessly amusing crap and get so many hits and comments, when an amazing post like this gets so little attention?
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-11 22:30:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry everyone, I've found decent enough proof of the crustibility of slimey objects, namely slugs. Now, reason suggests that these are in fact chopped up apple pieces; but I'll let you draw your own conclusions like I did.
http://tinyurl.com/dj9rj
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-11 03:51:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and if you hear
a foriegn sound to you ear,
it's all right ma,
i'm only sighing...
you kick all ass.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 21:26:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 20:25:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
BURN! BURN IT ALL! WHO'S WITH ME?!
_________
It all makes perfect sense now! I'm off to set cars ablaze! Torch recycling bins! And spit on the shoes of all those who question questioning!
I called for these measures once before... But now the army is TWICE as grandiose!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/68371
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 20:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 20:05:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Or artificially heat the garden with an array of blow dryers.
====
What madness is this?? What we need to do is start consuming fossil fuels at an alarming rate, thereby accelerating global warming to such a point that the snow thaws of its own accord. Sure, 60% of the earth's surface will be scorched to the extent that it can no longer support life, but we're talking salt and slug lawn vandalism here! Let's keep our priorities in order!
*breaking up dining table and chair set* BURN! BURN IT ALL! WHO'S WITH ME?!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 20:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 19:54:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
My faith in the project is faltering.
______________
*Backhand*
ARE YOU SURE THRIFTYASSISTANT? ARE! YOU! SURE?!
*motions to a guard to detain you while I loosen my bel...
...Oh, umm, I suppose I can just wait until the earth tilts in our favour. Or artificially heat the garden with an array of blow dryers.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 19:54:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 19:32:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
Filthy, what's the status of your terrain?
===
I've secured the perimeter but charlie is dropping out of the trees. If I don't hold down this area we're going to have a hundred caskets to fill by morning. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN, SEND THE CHOPPE-
...oh, you mean the slugs. I'm bereft, slugless, sans mollusc. My faith in the project is faltering.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 19:32:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-02-10 19:25:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
slugs or no slugs, this was a great post. k?
_______
Thank you. But encrusting a slug is quickly becoming a very important issue in the grand scheme of salt and I live for salt; thus, unless a slug can become encrusted I fear I may have to throw myself off a bridge.
There's a blanket of snow where I live, so the slugs are naught to be found.
Filthy, what's the status of your terrain? Any slugs laying about? (I don't think chavs would work as well; even with their greasy ways)
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-02-10 19:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
slugs or no slugs, this was a great post. k?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-10 18:55:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just lit my farts afire!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 18:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think what snark is trying to say is that he wants to see a crusty slug too.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-02-10 17:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
An illusion on the ceiling of the dentist office suggests we just need to look harder; focus on what's important; if you stare at the shoes on the shelf long enough eventually they'll go on sale. Work harder to make more money; when everyone has this mentality we all inch forward: closer and closer to the finish; inconspicuously edging towards the end because we all want to win with a pat on the back after we've pleasured the system with a guaranteed survival that it just can't give back.
It's all amuck spread over our calendar table-tops in a confusing fashion that still manages to make everything fall into a day of the week and has our death circled in eye-grabbing red while the clock on the wall eats away at your existence; slowly unwinding with each of its hands. You can sit and panic because you think that no one cares about you when you live in a carbon copy house on a carbon copy street; the only thing that will stop anyone to give a damn is a rule with a fine that could potentially be drawn from their human essence should they get caught: money in their veins that's fucked all their brains.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 16:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:58:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what buttermilk spray is (the indecisive bisexual of the dairy world?) but I do know this: I desperatly want to see a slug form a crust.
___
Filthy, "To make: Mix 8 ounces of flour, 2 ounces of buttermilk and 1 gallon of cool water. Spray those suckers! If you get it on your plants, rinse off after 24 hours." Obviously not metric for us, but you're a smart cookie.
I think I'm going fill a kiddie pool of this stuff and go as "The Crust" next hallo's eve.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:51:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't understand why we use products filled with unknown chemicals to clean our wounds when we have this little thing called "spit" that has all the required enzymes to heal an open gash twice as fast as neosporin or oxyclean or whatever you use because I wouldn't know, obviously.
____
I cut my back once out in the "wilderness" (see: shopping mall) and didn't have any first aid so I spat in the air and tried to get it to land on the cut. After hitting everyone else around I eventually got the spot and quickly forgot about it. The moral of the story is that you should always sniff a rag soaked in urine when at a gas station so you won't be influenced by their mind control fumes.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:25:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
Buttermilk spray forms a crust on them doing them in.
===
I have no idea what buttermilk spray is (the indecisive bisexual of the dairy world?) but I do know this: I desperatly want to see a slug form a crust.
A quick poll of the neighbourhood has confirmed not only that I'm alone in this, but also that people don't appreciate bullhorns at night.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:51:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to think that I would write stuff like this if I wasn't obsessed with toilet paper and it's healing properties. Or am I thinking of saliva? I don't understand why we use products filled with unknown chemicals to clean our wounds when we have this little thing called "spit" that has all the required enzymes to heal an open gash twice as fast as neosporin or oxyclean or whatever you use because I wouldn't know, obviously. I've never needed stitches.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Disregard everything! I found a way around your slug dilemma that even I would fall for!
Cabbage Trap: Cook cabbage leaves until soft, drizzle some butter or lard over them. Place them in slug prone areas. Within several hours the leaves will be swarming with slugs. Collect and destroy.
It'll be like a battle of the Gods between vandal and owner of the microcosmic Lawn World.
Green thumbs vs Tasty thumbs.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:12:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
slugs
__________
How fast do they work? Faster than salt (to kill grass, suppose)?
Getting rid of slugs:
Sprinkle a line of lime around your plants. A pile of unaged animal manure has an high acidity and provides a slug breeding haven leading to the assumption that slugs and snails are more of a problem in acid soils. By applying lime we sweeten the soil making it more alkaline and deterring the slugs.
Hair and Fur: Use a barrier of hair or fur to entangle slugs. Gross and effective. An additional benefit from using hair is that it supplies some nitrogen to your plants! Human hair, pet fur and horsehair, all will work.
Epsom Salts: Epsom salts sprinkled on the soil will supposedly deter slugs and also helps prevent Magnesium deficiency in your plants. Magnesium helps to deepen color, thickens petals and increases root structure.
Oat Bran: Scatter oat bran on the soil to kill slugs and snails.
Predators of slugs include: Ground beetles (particularly carabid beetles), turtles, toads, frogs, lizards, rove beetles, salamanders, lightening bug larvae, turtles and garter snakes.
Talcum Powder or Flour: Dust them with talcum powder or flour.
Buttermilk spray forms a crust on them doing them in.
and finally:
Spread well crushed eggshells around the plants. The calcium released from the eggshells is an extra benefit that "sweetens" the soil. The sharp edges of the shells will kill slugs. Most folks report that this does not work well.
hahaha
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:24:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@L!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:53:07 (#)
Ranking: -2
Nobody likes the word "SALT" salted into their front lawn and there's nothing they can do about it either.
===
Not technically true. Were one able to procure enough slugs, even a mammoth salt spillage could be soaked up in mere moments.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-02-10 15:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
automatic +2--- dylan
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:55:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah salt; an epicurists delight
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
...
Yeeeep.
...
Not only is it available on many fine food products it's also handy as a salt lick to attrack the porcupines and deer. It's perhaps the best vandalism tool as well. Nobody likes the word "SALT" salted into their front lawn and there's nothing they can do about it either. It's also a real hip-saver on icy sidewalks.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-10 14:05:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:59:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a cheerful fucker, aren't you.
__________________
Depends. I get really excited when discussing the virtues of salt.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-10 13:59:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a cheerful fucker, aren't you. Started off a bit laboured but you pulled it out of the bag at the end.
And by 'it' I mean 'a parsnip, intricately fashioned into a scale model of Auschwitz'