When Laughing Makes You Feel Dirty (A Collection of Experiences) (1267 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.68 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sparxicus (View user info) at 2006-02-10 22:22:44 EST
We've all been there. You see a midget getting chased by a poodle, you see a fat kid run smack into the side of an ice cream truck, you see a monkey eating his poop; you start laughing. Of course, its not "socially acceptable" to laugh in these situations. But it wasn't really "socially acceptable" to butt-rape that clown last night, was it? Case in point.
Over the years, I have been in a number of situations where I have laughed in a manner that got me more dirty looks than a dead monkey in a flamingo exhibit. But dammit, those were some of the best laughs of my life. Below are just a few of the times when I have had the privilege to have a "dirty laugh".
1. The Runt
Over the summer, I helped out in a football (soccer) camp. I was assigned to a group of 7-8 year olds, and I was helping them learn the basics of the game. There was one boy in the group, named Robby, who slightly resembled a Goomba. It wasn't how he looked, but it was the way he walked, bouncing from one foot to another that just made me want to don a red cap and stomp him. He was very short and this earned him the name of "Runt" among his peers. "Runt" was also the goalkeeper.
We were doing a drill where the boys would take shots at the goal and Runt would do his best to stop him. I stopped the drill do demonstrate how to kick the ball for a goalkick.
"Many of you are not extending through the ball." I stepped up to the ball and extended fully through.
Then, as a joke, I said, "This is what most of you guys are doing." I proceeded to step up to the ball and kick the ball as hard and as spastic as I could manage. The children started to laugh, but were almost immediately interrupted by a sound.
The sound of the Runt getting hit right smack in the balls. I will never forget the fetal position that the Runt curled up to or the little yelp he let out (it sounded like the sound a poodle makes when you step on it). The stunned silence that filled the air was shattered by the sound of me cackling at what I had just witnessed. I will never forget me laughing hard, and alone, and getting some of the dirtiest looks I have ever seen from all of the mothers present. I was "let go" the next day. I have one thing to say about the experience.
"1-up, bitch-Goomba."
2. When Stripping Goes Wrong
Working part-time in a stripclub has led to some pretty interesting happenings. One night I was working late as a bartender, and I was watching the strip show. It was progressing without incidence; the stripper was stripping, talking dirty, and giving the pole the ride of its life. The guys on the side were cheering her on, throwing money on the stage. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Just when the show was starting to get into a rhythm, things went horribly, horribly wrong. The stripper was doing the move where she was hanging by her legs upside down on the pole. Upside down, she was face to face with an elderly man. Her eyes went wide like a deer in headlights. Granted, a very sexy topless deer with a g-string on, but a deer nonetheless.
"Lisa?"
"DAD?!"
She lost her grip on the pole, and hit her head on the stage. Something about strippers getting concussions just does it for me. I cracked up like a 1st grader getting told his first poop joke. The stripper was knocked out cold, and we had to call an ambulance to get her. If I had a cent for every dirty look I received that night, I would have enough copper to make the Statue of Liberty Part Deux (stripper edition).
3. Losing it at a School Assembly
It was bring your parent to school day at the local middle school, and naturally my little brat wanted to drag me along. I tried my best to behave, really I did. I sat through math class without as much as a whimper. I was the model parent during English and Social Studies classes. I was trying my best not to make my daughter look bad in front of her friends. I had managed to stay awake through Science class (I have a new found hate of cumulonimbis clouds) when the teacher announced that she had a special treat for the parents. An assembly. Gee-fucking-whizzums. I couldn't wait.
I settled down in the auditorium, my daughter next to me. The speaker approached the podium and the lights dimmed.
"When you children will enter high school, your world as you know it will be turned upside down." Great start there, champ.
"You will have a chance to meet many good people who will become your close friends, but you will also meet many bad people, doing bad things."
"You will encounter people doing things like drugs or beating up other people. I'm sure you have all heard about these things in your health class. I won't bore you by going over them again." I'm practically falling asleep here. That's not a good thing, chump.
"I'm here to talk to you about something that you haven't learned in health class. Something awful, but something that you will have to confront as you journey through high school. I think it's time that you know about some of the terrible things that happen in the adult world. There is one thing in particular that I want you to be careful of."
A dramatic pause ensued.
"Rape."
I lost it. A flood of "Needs more rape" and other such comments raced through my head and made me go absolutely apeshit. I was laughing as hard as Chuck Norris... doing whatever he does. It is not for us to know. But I digress. The whole auditorium, and I mean EVERY single head turned towards me. Who laughs at rape in an auditorium full of little children?
Now you know.
Part two coming soon if I find the time.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2006-02-13 09:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-13 07:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-02-10 22:27:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
When I was fifteen years old, my life was much more interesting than this.
Post again when your pubes come in.
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Learn to fucking read dipshit.
Geat post, funny as shit (or rape).
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-02-12 21:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2006-02-12 21:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sir are worse than hitler.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-02-12 04:14:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the last story made it a +2
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2006-02-12 03:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
can't wait
Submitted by EvilGav (user info) at 2006-02-11 18:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, you are so going to hell . . . see you there, laughed all the way through this.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-11 17:36:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Each one fo these made me laugh like a child who learned the woord "cunt"
But the "Lisa?"
"DAD?!" is hilarious, beacuse I have seen it, too.
Worked security on the side at PT's Showclub here in Denver, and a dancer named Trinity was working a small side stage.
A guy slid up behind her, slid his hand and a fifty into the front of her G-string, and as I was going over to toss him (you don't put hands in the fronts of G's, sorry) she turned around, slapped him and went "Uncle Ryan????" She ran into the dressing room, he sat down and called her father.
Of course, an hour later, when her Dad came by to collect her we found out she was 17 and had used her sisters ID to get the job.
Of course, Uncle Ryan never said ANYTHING about the hand in the G-string while he was there...
Of course, during this whole time, the entire security staff is having a hard time keeping it together.
And when he Dad scolded us for laughing about it, I had to sit down because I couldn't breathe.
Then my boss told him about Uncle Ryan, and the shit REALLY hit the fan. Like Cain and Able, except they were in their 50's.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-02-11 14:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-02-10 22:27:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
When I was fifteen years old, my life was much more interesting than this.
Post again when your pubes come in.
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what the flying fuck was that?
Sparx, you need to post more. Lots, lots more.
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-02-11 13:50:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't actually cried from reading something on uber until I pictured the kid getting hit in the balls with a football. That happened to me a couple of years ago and I know the pain, but it is still damn funny.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-02-11 13:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-02-11 13:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
runt and stripper were my favorites. The rape one was funny on many levels. I wish I could have sat in on the meeting where a group of people decided that it would be necessary to tell a group of kids that rape is bad. These are the same type of people who make sure that every fucking thing you buy has a warning label on it.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-11 09:41:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-02-11 04:44:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Numbers 2 and 3 deserve a BOOYAH!
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Agreed.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-11 08:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Runt was awesomeness.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-02-11 04:44:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Numbers 2 and 3 deserve a BOOYAH!
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2006-02-11 02:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel bad for laughing at rape, Über has made me even more twisted than i was before,
But it doesn't stop me watching the naked japanese girl tied down and set upon by a horde of
hungry piglets wearing mittens on stileproject.com...
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-02-11 02:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I figured you had something good up your sleeve for #3.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-11 00:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"When you children will enter high school, your world as you know it will be turned upside down." Great start there, champ.
////// understatement
nice careless writing. Rape sucks though, i never got, even vicariously, how that could turn someone on. (Although I've had girlfriends, to fuck my brain more, who liked being punched. One in particular couldn't orgasm without the taste of blood in her mouth. Seriously.)
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-10 23:56:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wonder whos alter you are
Submitted by Trevor1st93 (user info) at 2006-02-10 23:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Part two! GO GO!!!
Submitted by Axtumanu (user info) at 2006-02-10 23:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 but needs mroe rape.
Submitted by Leodus (user info) at 2006-02-10 22:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-10 22:29:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Number 3 made me laugh quite loudly.
I think most of the people here would laugh at rape.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-02-10 22:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
When I was fifteen years old, my life was much more interesting than this.
Post again when your pubes come in.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-02-10 22:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit