When Laughing Makes You Feel Dirty (Part 2) (800 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sparxicus (View user info) at 2006-02-12 22:54:33 EST
Continued from http://www.ubersite.com/m/83805
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4. When Things Heat Up on the Porn Set
I have a friend in the pornography business. He's a photographer/director, and after months of me pleading, he finally invited me to a shoot. //Side Note: He's not one of those guys you see in the porn vids going "Oh you so hot right now, suck him, yea suck him bitch." He's actually a pretty cool guy, and one of the only people I've met who actually takes his job in the pornography business seriously and considers porn an art.//
Back to the porn set.
I arrived on the shoot and I was greeted by the rest of the crew and was introduced to the actors. I forget the name of the actress, but she actually introduced herself using her stage name. It might have been Bunny Lovin' or Lickme Good, but I've wanked to so many actresses with terrible puns for their names since then that her name evades me right now. Anyhoo, I'd give her a jack-off-ability factor of 7 out of 10. Not great, but still acceptable whack fodder.
I'm sorry, I'm getting way too excited here.
Anyways, this porn actress was still a "rising star". She was mostly a small-name porn actress, but she did have her moments, including doing a scene with none other than Ron Jeremy.
With a few formalities ("So are we gonna fuck or what?"), the shoot got underway.Halfway through doing it doggy style, the actor (let's call him Nigel) suddenly starts to get philosophical. He looks down at her ass, and goes, "Damn, I can't believe that this ass has seen <Insert list famous male pornstars that most people don't recognize>'s penises. Wouldn't that be hot if you had to tap this ass to become famous? Like a stepping stone or something. Dude, I'm totally fucking myself into the history books. Wait...wait..no. I'm fucking a PIECE of history."
Nigel please.
"Dude, are you gay?" The actress (Let's say her name was Bunny Luvin') turns over and forcibly removes the guys penis from her ass.
Nigel looked stunned for a moment, but ever the fast thinker, he grabbed Bunny Luvin's face started to vigerously rub it against his penis. "Missy, are you a slut? Yes you ARE!" (When he said the "Yes you are" part, he made her face go up and down against his penis like she was nodding.) Of course, Bunny Luvin' did not like this, but couldn't say anything, because, quite frankly, it's hard to talk with a face full of dick. Must have been hard to breath too, because she had to resort to punching him in the balls to get him to stop pushing her face against his penis.
I realized that I was laughing alone only after both Nigel and Bunny Luvin' stared at me like I had gone around pricking holes in all the condoms. Porn stars can give some DIRTY looks. Let me tell you, they're not always seductive and wearing that "hump me silly" face that you're so used to seeing. They have a whole other face underneath that one.
Needless to say, the shoot was never finished.
5. Fatties Gone Wild
My next door neighbor has a Coon. "Coon" is actually the name of a raccoon who was rescued from a trap by my neighbor's children. Honestly, it is one of the most friendly and cute raccoons I have ever met. Before I met him, I was under the impression that raccoons could not be domesticated. It acts like a dog and will even jump on your lap to beg for scraps. It's also very furry and can make you forget all your worries with just a nuzzle of his nose.
I'm sorry for that cutesy moment.
Getting back to the point, this neighbor and I are good friends, and last Independence day they invited me over for a BBQ. Among the other guests were the neighbor's family friends and a fat lady who nobody really likes. A little background info on this lady: Nobody is really quite sure where she lives, but she always manages to find the neighborhood gatherings, invite herself over, and help herself to the food. Nobody really has the heart to stop her, because she's always has that look that just says "Feed Me". I'm not quite sure how to explain it.
Skip to dinner.
She's at the table and has helped herself to no less than 24 spare ribs, 4 corn on the cobs and 4 bbq chicken pieces. She wasted no time in sitting down and practically pouncing on her ribs that she had been eyeing the entire time. Sitting on the other side of the table, I was pleasantly surprised to see a familiar furry head pop up from her lap. The fat lady must have felt Coon jumping on her lap, and, never having met him before, she was unsure of what to make of it. She put down her rib, and very slowly looked down at her lap. Coon looked right back up with those expectant eyes that he hoped would will this lady into sharing a rib or three.
The lady's eyes widened and I swear I saw her bottom lip quiver.
Coon let out a friendly "yip".
The lady goes bananas and starts screaming bloody murder. Coon gets startled and runs and jumps onto my lap. I pet him, while laughing my head off. The lady gave me one of those "You're just horrid" looks, which, when coupled with her fat face, just made me laugh even harder. I fucking love you, Coon.
She never appeared at my neighbor's house again.
6. Never Cut in Front of a Hungry Child.
This one is my personal favorite. I'm finding it hard to write because I am laughing just remembering the incident.
I was in a Taco Bell for a quick lunch, and with nothing else to do, I was watching the two kids in line. I could see their parents outside in a car, and I could tell that the children had just dropped in to get a snack for the road. The cashier had gone in the back for a minute informing them that she was just getting more paper for the reciepts. While she was in the back, a tall weasely looking woman walked into the joint like she was the queen of the world. She was acting like she owned the place. Judging by her clothing, she was had a distinguished profession; I'm guessing a lawyer. She cuts right in front of the kids with out as much as an "excuse me". The children look at her and say "You have to go to the end of the line."
She looks at them and says, I kid you not, "I don't have time for your shit, just suck it up."
In front of two little kids. What a bitch.
The cashier comes back and the lawyer places her order before the children can say anything. She grabs her meal and settles down on a table near mine. The children get their order and start to walk out the door. One of them whispers to the other and he nods and goes to the car. The first one walks over to the lawyer who is wearing a "oh, now what" expression on her face. The kid looks her in the eye, and without breaking eye contact, pulls out a burrito.
He unwraps the burrito while still locking eyes with the lawyer. The lawyer is still trying to figure out whats going on, but she is unable to look away.
And then, just when the tension was at its peak, when the drama in the air is so strong that you half expect Hasselhoff to come out and start singing, the kid just smacks her right in the head with the bean burrito. He just reared back and swung it like a tennis racket. On impact, the burrito burst open, and beans got all over the lawyer's hair and suit. Her eyes wide and she now had a "oh no you did not" look on her face.
I'll leave it to your imagination to come up with the look she gave me when I started laughing my ass off.
I hope you enjoyed this (short) series, and I apologize for any grammar/stylistic errors. I wrote this very late at night and I did not have a chance to check for errors.
User Reviews
Submitted by Navi (user info) at 2006-02-13 16:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass.
Submitted by Hash_brownie_supreme (user info) at 2006-02-13 15:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for that kick ass racoon. I gotta get me one of those.
Submitted by hoojAmAphut (user info) at 2006-02-13 15:02:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What was the lawyer bitch doing at fuckin tacobell?
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2006-02-13 09:26:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-13 08:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-02-13 06:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Coons????? MR T PITY THE RACIST FOO'!!! You best be hoping I don't drive my van into your fool house!!
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-13 06:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good if its true.
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-02-13 03:15:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
First one was semi-believable. This one is not at all.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-02-13 03:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those are some awesome kids right there. You should've kidnapped them.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-02-13 03:04:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-02-12 23:09:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't normally like the idea of pets, but holy Jesus, I want a pet raccoon. And a koala bear. And a penguin.
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My friend has a theory about penguins. We're still trying to figure out how we can get our hands on one but when we do we're going to shave it to see whether they really do have legs that short or if they actually have massive long flamingo legs that are obscured by fluff.
You can imagine the relief if it really does have flamingo legs. It's run free for the first time in it's life.
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2006-02-13 00:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God, that's hilarious.. I hope there's fifty of these things before you're done. BUT, as for the neighborhood lady, that one deserved the laughs.. at least I think.. plus fucking two.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-13 00:13:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-02-12 23:25:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the porn bit.
It has inspired me to make the very first hardcore porn comedy where there is no pleasurable moaning between actors, but playful banter. It'll have everything, including the obligatory English couple who talk about tea, lorries, and all those other things that English people talk about incessantly.
I'll have the same guy who did "Snatch" and "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" as a guest director. It will be awesome.
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would make my top '5' list.
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2006-02-12 23:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have laughed. I guess we're both both just evil.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-02-12 23:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the porn bit.
It has inspired me to make the very first hardcore porn comedy where there is no pleasurable moaning between actors, but playful banter. It'll have everything, including the obligatory English couple who talk about tea, lorries, and all those other things that English people talk about incessantly.
I'll have the same guy who did "Snatch" and "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" as a guest director. It will be awesome.
Submitted by Trevor1st93 (user info) at 2006-02-12 23:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I now love raccoons.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-12 23:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i chuckled.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-02-12 23:09:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't normally like the idea of pets, but holy Jesus, I want a pet raccoon. And a koala bear. And a penguin.
They would play games with each other, and the koala bear could ride on the raccoons back!! HEHEHE