Sugar Sweet - UberTines Consolation Round 2 (689 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: Ubertines_ '06
Rating: 2 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2006-02-13 15:45:06 EST
I had to have it. If I didn't get a hold of one my girlfriend would leave me and I would be forced to put the towel back in play. I still love my towel, it's standing in the corner of my bedroom still today (I never wash it), but after being with my girlfriend I just didn't want to go back to my towel.
Oh, sweet, sweet girlfriend. Tantalizingly beautiful, she stands just over six foot tall with gorgeous locks of brown. She's got entrancing green eyes, a petite nose, and big full red lips that would bring any man to his needs. This face sits atop one of the most incredible bodies I've ever been privileged to see, her full round breasts exude perkiness in a way you normally associate with teenage girls or drag queens, her shapely ass waves hello and goodbye at you when she walks away, and her long legs are enough to cause any man to fantasize about what her abilities might be. In short, if I worked for Napa I'd say she has all the right parts in all the right places.
Don't get me wrong, it's not all physical. Yes, Yes, I like that this comes in an aesthetically pleasing package but this beautiful woman also has an amazing intellect and wit to match. The only thing I haven't figured out is why she's interested in me, actually why she was interested in the first place. Now that she's been with me she knows I can satisfy a woman like no other man can. I wield my pork sword with a prowess unmatched by any other mere mortal.
Anyway, Valentines Day is coming up and I was told unequivocally that if she didn't get a Sugar Sweet that I would no longer be privy to the pleasures of her company. I couldn't believe it, I mean, I leave her quaking in bed, I make her laugh, I provide for her, and she has the audacity to tell me that she'll break up with me is she doesn't get some stupid piece of candy. Bitch
Focus, no more towel. So I set out on my quest to get a Sugar Sweet. I personally had not heard of this particular piece of confectionary delight so I went where any self respecting male goes when he begins a quest.
I ordered myself a beer and began to check out the possible contacts. As I surveyed the room a mildly attractive blonde winked at me, I kept looking though as I had all the woman I could ever want, assuming of course that I could secure the object of her desire. Oooh, that bitch, I'm supposed to be the object of her desire and she's got me out searching for some stupid candy.
"Hey Barkeep, give me another pint." I say as I continue searching the room. My glance comes across a rather large woman and immediately accelerates as I see her too drop a wink in my direction; a violent shudder ran through my body. After polishing off a few more pints I decide that no one here is going to be of assistance and that I would have to go <bom! Bom! Bom!> shopping.
I had one more pint while I considered whether my girl was truly worth the hell of actually shopping. I thought of all that I loved about her and then I thought of life without her, just me and towel again and it was settled.
I hate to admit that I was pretty well inebriated by this point and that after stumbling to my car it took me several minutes to locate my keys, in my pocket. I started my pimped out Ford Pinto and took stock of my assets.
Me, obviously, and by far, the most important of my assets
Three chunks of cotton candy Bubbalicious
A used Kleenex
My wallet which was now empty due to the beer I'd consumed
A nearly empty lighter
A few smokes
I was disappointed that my wallet was empty since that would mean this would have to be a covert operation. I was also disheartened by the lack of an obvious weapon as I feared there would be other desperate souls like myself on similar missions.
Still unsure of where to procure a Sugar Sweet I drove to a hell I vowed I would never endure again, I drove to the mall. I cringed as I pulled into my parking space as I saw all the shit head kids and soccer moms walking like zombies toward the building that seemed to be staring at me with a great deal of menace. As I stumbled out of my car door some emo looking goth kid walked up and asked to bum a smoke.
"Dude, can I bum a smoke? It would make my bleak existence somewhat bearable for a few minutes"
I calmly looked at the kid and slurred "Have you ever been to Bangkok?" and reached out to smack his cock to leave him writhing in pain while I ran away.
Damn, this kids either a girl or doesn't have feeling in its lower extremities I turned to plan B and taking the used Kleenex out of my pocket I opened it and shoved the gooey part right in the kid's eyes.
"Dude. Not cool."
I think it mumbled something else but I was already running through the door of the mall.
I stayed close to the walls cautiously looking around corners to ensure I wouldn't be attacked again. As I rounded the corner of Waldenbooks I was unfortunately caught by surprise from behind. A group of snot nosed little bastards were playing tag or some shit and were using me as some sort of obstacle. Fearing injury or worse I quickly took the gum out of my pocket and calling out to the shit heads threw it across the hall. I was slightly satisfied, when a scuffle broke out between the five kids over who would get one of the three pieces of gum, until I saw the losers of the scuffle turn back toward me. Realizing my error I bolted throwing caution to the wind as I ran as fast as I could to evade my evil pursuers.
Seeing a chance to rest and, seemingly, disappear I dove into position on one of the couches where the zombified men sit to wait for their women. I breathed a sigh of relief as I saw the kids go running past the zombie rest area. Turning back I saw that several of the zombies were grunting and moaning at me. Thinking fast I scattered my cigies on the floor and as a zombie picked one up I lit it. Soon they were all smoking and shortly after that soccer moms came and started to berate the zombies. Score, two birds with one stone, the zombies were fighting to protect their one last liberty and the soccer moms were fighting to protect their precious crotch fruit. I crawled under one of the couches to escape the increasingly loud melee.
Brushing my self off I heard my name and turned to see my friend Nate cowering in the fountain.
"What the hell are you doing Nate?"
"My damn girlfriend said I would never get laid again if I didn't get her a Sugar Sweet for Valentines Day but I couldn't past the soccer moms. That was brilliant by the way."
"Come on dumbass; let's go get this stupid candy for our vag... I mean girlfriends."
"Um, I don't have any clothes. I had to throw them at the snot noses. They rifled through the pockets while I was running away. Could you go get me some pants at least?"
"No way am I going to let you selfishly jeopardize this mission by making me go get pants. I have one item and item only that I will procure before this day is done so either man up and come with me, you snag some drawers on our way, or stay in the fountain until you can sneak away to die a horrible shameful death."
"Fuck you." he says as he grabs a couple of leaves off the large plants next to the fountain and drippily steps out of the fountain. "You're a right bastard you know that."
"Eye on the prize Nate then we get out of here."
We ran toward the candy store, Nate covering himself with his leaves until he spotted some boxers in Abercrombie. I almost couldn't save him; he nearly dove into the store to get the boxers. But I grabbed him by the hair and pulled him back.
"Are you crazy? You'll never make it out of there alive. Besides, it looks like the candy store has edible undies, you can get those and the Sugar Sweet and then make your run for freedom."
"Wow, thanks man, you saved me, is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yeah, cover that shit up and get moving."
He picked up his leaves and made for the store. I was almost paralyzed by the sight of him bending over but thinking of my girl I was able to wash the horrid image that had been seared into my eyes, uh, out of my eyes.
Finally, the candy store. I watched the store keeper out of the corner of my eye as I made my way to the Sugar Sweet display. I picked up a box of the accursed prize and whispered to Nate "We've got to play this carefully bra. Grab your edible drawers and BROWSE your way to the front of the store. He's watching us so be careful."
I slowly made my way to the front of the store, casually inspecting other items in the store, when I heard the shopkeeper. "Aw hell no man, you can't put those on now!"
I turned to see Nate trying to tie the edible undies on and run at the same time. I shit you not I nearly died. His junk was flying all over the place as he ran and the undies were not covering any of it. I think I did throw up a little in my mouth. The store keeper ran after him and deciding that Nate was on his own I slowly and carefully made my way out of the store. I hated to leave my friend but I couldn't take any more. I sprinted the twenty feet back to the door to freedom.
I cried out in joy as I broke through the doors and laughed as the emo killed was bowled over by my explosive exit. I ran as quickly as I could to my ride and drove home triumphantly holding the prize to my chest the whole way.
I opened the door to my apartment and knew instantly that all of it had been worth it. My girlfriend stood before me adorned only in the beauty of her nekid body. Two smiles spread on her lips as she saw the box in my arms and I knew that I was safe for another year.
User Reviews
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-02-15 15:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-02-14 16:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HARUMPH
but amusing, none the less
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-02-14 11:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83945
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Exodus Chronicles back up.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-14 10:46:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Competition stories rarely get as many reviews/hits as regular posts do.
Bitches be trippin', and so it goes...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-14 10:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Please don't misunderstand. I appreciate any audience I get especially those who rate. I just thought the ratio was a little weak. I can post utter shit and get tons of hits/ratings but this, I was pretty happy with, gets relatively little I'm thinking the UberTines consolation in the title may have something to do with it.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-02-14 10:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-13 15:51:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tantalizingly beautiful, she stands just over six foot tall with gorgeous locks of brown. She's got entrancing green eyes, a petite nose, and big full red lips that AND A SIX-INCH TURGID PENOS.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-02-14 10:18:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TOO FEW REVIEWS!
I CALL FOR MORE HITS.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-14 10:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If Thorns doesn't know which two sets of lips I speak of Orgasmatron does. 191 hits and nine reviews? Thanks for reading!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-14 00:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know the two sets of lips he's talking about, Thornus.
Giggidy.
Funny stuff. Tall girls need lovin', too, after all.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-13 20:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Two smiles spread on her lips"????
What the hell?!?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-13 17:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
FICTION
I do not have one of these towels and was appalled at the thought of such an item. I can't remember where I first heard about this but I'm sure it was in some movie.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-13 17:02:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good but...
YOU DON'T WASH THE TOWEL?!?!??!?!?!??!?
ok i'm done. very good.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-13 16:53:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hol-eee shit. I feel so inadequate.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-13 16:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
She's got entrancing green eyes, a petite nose, and big full red lips that would bring any man to his needs
knees damnit
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-02-13 16:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor bastard.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-13 15:51:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tantalizingly beautiful, she stands just over six foot tall with gorgeous locks of brown. She's got entrancing green eyes, a petite nose, and big full red lips that AND A SIX-INCH TURGID PENOS.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-13 15:51:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies.