The Other Way to Grocery Shop (1418 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uber-related
Rating: 1.89 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-02-15 12:15:00 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84043
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I read the above post and felt the need to share MY way of doing the grocery shopping.
1 - Plastic bags are for people who have time to waste. I use a styrofoam box and two big canvas bags that fit across the trolley (cart) at the supermarket. Hard stuff in one, soft stuff in the other, cold stuff in the styrofoam box. It goes in there when I'm shopping, comes out to go through checkout, goes back in again. No bagging required.
2 - List? LIST? I go down the aisles and, if I see something and feel anger at it, I need it. The anger is because I've been cursing the lack of it for three days. Life can be so simple when you're in touch with your emotions. Anger = need, disgust = we have too much of it already, mild annoyance = I have to buy it every time I go shopping.
3 - There are people who take their kids to the supermarket to do the weekly shopping. These people are suicidal idiots who like pain. Give them what they want by running over them on your way out the parking lot.
4 - MP3 player. Plug the fucking thing into your head and ignore the soul-crushing muzak, the babble of idiots, the screaming of untamed children, the squeak of the trolley wheel and the irritating shithead behind you at the checkout whining "I only just gots this one thing, like, c'n I like go in front of you?" Nope. Go to the express lane, go to the service desk, go to hell, go anywhere, in fact, that isn't behind me, pissing me off. I'm BUYING $150 WORTH OF FOOD AND THAT'S MONEY I COULD HAVE SPENT ON A HANDBAG AND MY LIFE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY AND I HAVE DIAPERS IN THE TROLLEY, DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED YOUR BULLSHIT? (I always let those people in front of me with a smile, but I'm enraged on the inside. Hi, my name is Lyn, I'm a doormat.)
5 - Go late at night, go without kids, go when it's raining. Avoid conversation. Wander through the aisles like a George Romero wet dream, shuffle along behind your trolley and buy overpriced overprocessed overrated shit you don't really need and wouldn't buy if you'd mastered the art of growing your own food like in that show on the Lifestyle Channel where that blonde cunt makes it look so fucking easy to grow carrots and broccoli but it's actually cheaper to buy them for 9c a kilo at the grower's market and also you're helping local hobby farmers so, you know, yay for you.
6 - Go home and force your partner to unpack the shopping. This is most easily done by standing in the middle of the kitchen, clutching a loaf of bread to your chest like a little girl hugging a doll, and asking plaintively "I forgot. Do we keep the bread in the cupboard or the fridge?" Your partner is arrogant and likes to think you foolish, not recalling all the years you unpacked shopping perfectly well before he came along to save you from yourself, and with a noble, longsuffering sigh he will take over while you sneak out the back and kill yourself a little bit with nicotine, carbon monoxide, and 40,000 other chemicals in a little white tube.
Image search for "I'd kill you as soon as look at you."
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-19 18:14:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm paying my way through school working in a grocery store. I wish I was allowed an mp3 player.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-20 23:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this.
Submitted by queenemily (user info) at 2006-02-22 10:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-22 08:59:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by queenemily (user info) at 2006-02-22 08:44:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I ever mention how much I love you?
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Was I the only person that clicked her user info after that comment?
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There is no need to click her user info if you have it bookmarked :) ... Not that I'm a stalker or anything ... *coughs*
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-22 08:59:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by queenemily (user info) at 2006-02-22 08:44:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I ever mention how much I love you?
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Was I the only person that clicked her user info after that comment?
Submitted by queenemily (user info) at 2006-02-22 08:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I ever mention how much I love you?
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2006-02-20 14:55:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-15 16:02:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
so, you call them 'trolleys' down there, eh?
We call them 'carts' here, and in Texas, they're called 'buggies'.
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Georgia, too. And when you walk in the store, you "grab" a buggy.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:50:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shamrock Open: http://www.ubersite.com/m/84210
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-17 08:28:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"if I see something and feel anger at it, I need it"
I liked this.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-16 11:43:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like the plastic bags, i stuff them in baby cribs and carriages when i'm done with them.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-02-16 11:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the longest sentence ever.
'Wander through the aisles like a George Romero wet dream, shuffle along behind your trolley and buy overpriced overprocessed overrated shit you don't really need and wouldn't buy if you'd mastered the art of growing your own food like in that show on the Lifestyle Channel where that blonde cunt makes it look so fucking easy to grow carrots and broccoli but it's actually cheaper to buy them for 9c a kilo at the grower's market and also you're helping local hobby farmers so, you know, yay for you.'
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-16 11:27:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always after 10 p.m. any earlier and I want to kill myself before I even make it out of the produce section.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-02-16 08:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Grocery shopping is actually one of my favorite things to do!!!
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-02-16 07:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Personal bugbear - the random trolley abandon (which would make a great band name)
Doris: Do de doo doo de doo OOH SHINY! >wanders off into the distance leaving trolley parked dead centre in the aisle, leaving a que of British people on both sides to spend the next 15 minutes going 'after you', 'no, please, after you', 'no I insist, you first'<
I find grabbing the handle and shoving it forcibly on it's merry way, direction entirely dependent on the 'wonky wheel' factor and chaos theory is the best remedy, even if it's just to make me feel better.
My housemate is a trolley abandon...er. I wake up five minutes later, the red mist fading with her staring at me aghast, a display of Evian spread artistically down the booze aisle and a trolley squeaking it's merry way into the fish counter, other customers sprawled where they landed. She doesn't let me shop with her any more.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-16 07:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great, I got a decent chuckle out of number 5.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-16 06:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2006-02-16 00:59:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm kind of a big fan of your posts.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-02-16 00:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clearly you don't use enough rage when shopping.
You have to practice these simple sayings:
"Get the fuck out of my way"
"Touch those oreo's and that's the last thing you'll do with THAT arm"
"I know there's six of them, but they only count as one item"
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-02-16 00:36:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I stopped at #3 before I had to plus 2 this because it's that much better than the "original." And I use that term loosely.
Submitted by Shaystar (user info) at 2006-02-16 00:24:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-02-16 00:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Trolley'. Hehehehehe.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-02-15 22:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate shopping!
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-02-15 19:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i always enjoy myself at the supermarket. i can laugh literally for an hour or more just looking at the home brand packaging and its complete perfect utility. i look at the package of water ices. flavoured. and read it out in a robotic monotone and giggle to myself. sometimes i take a friend and get them to do it.
shopping can be fun.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a-list
I occasionally make the error of shopping at three or four in the afternoon when I have a half day off at work. This is senior citizen hour. Or, as I like to call it, Hell. The barely mobile geriatrics and their demands for help from everyone who comes near...Oh Lord. So bad.
The pisser is that I always forget and do it again...self hatred or something.
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:07:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cool.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What are your thoughts of blowing me in the frozen food aisle, next to the Tombstone Pizzas and Ore Ida frozen Tater Tots?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:42:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe i think we would be great shopping buddies, did someone say pandemonium?
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2006-02-15 16:04:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-15 16:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so, you call them 'trolleys' down there, eh?
We call them 'carts' here, and in Texas, they're called 'buggies'.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-15 15:12:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-15 14:15:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is what happens when I'm shopping for my grandma. I go on the weekends, because it's the only time I have, and unfortunately, this is the perfect day for family trips to the grocery store because the kids are home and there's nothing more exciting to do.
Do you self-checkout? You sound like you do; if you're anything like me, you can't stand some bland chick asking how you are when you're in the 7th gate of hell.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-02-15 13:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your way too. Especially like #3
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-15 13:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to try the "hug the bread and look dumb" trick.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-02-15 13:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it's hilarious that this post is blowing the original post out of the water in ratings.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:57:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These posts are great. Shopping is the bane of my existence.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:52:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I recycle my plastic bags by sleeping with them over my head and tied in a secure knot.
FUCKING PLASTIC BAG HOLES!
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, try working there for 5 years.... anyway, worst thing anyone ever bought? 80 year old man buying KY Jelly and margarita salt. bleh.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Go home and force your partner to unpack the shopping."
The dog is only one stupid enough to run toward the grocery drop in my house.
("Daily Living"-able stuff, by the way.)
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:30:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I also like your style.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:27:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus, never buy lube, nursing pads, and a coloring book together. Even the ex-whores look at you mean for that.
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Candy and vaseline. I was lucky not to be arrested.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried shopping at midnight because I thought it would be interesting to see what kind of lunatics shop at midnight. It was disappointing, because I ended up feeling like everyone was staring at me to see if I was a lunatic. Also, they put the 57-year old burned out ex-whores at the single open cash register, so they can channel their pent-up hatred for all men through the lens of innumeracy to scan everything wrong and break it when they fling it into the bag.
Plus, never buy lube, nursing pads, and a coloring book together. Even the ex-whores look at you mean for that.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:23:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:18:46 (#)
Ranking: 1
Plastic bags aren't for people who have time to waste, it's for people who don't care about wasting the planet.
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Thats me!!
I remember a few years ago every supermarket was selling re-usable canvas bags so people didn't have to kill the environment. Even in small towns they were doing this (or just where I lived) I don't see that anymore.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:22:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THe person below me has no sense of humor. Tragic.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Plastic bags aren't for people who have time to waste, it's for people who don't care about wasting the planet.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-15 12:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for nothing else other than the Google Images search.