Please don’t show me your pee pee it makes mine hurt. (52812 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.87 on 86 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2006-02-15 17:09:49 EST
From a very early age our parents warn us about the dangers of touching ourselves "DOWN THERE". My mother actually referred to it as interfering with yourself. I think some parents must put the fear of God into their children when they warn about the touching of ones genitals. When we are young and ignorant to these things we have no idea what the hell they are talking about, except to think that older people must know what they are talking about so its probably best I don't touch myself DOWN THERE, but I have no idea why.
As we get older we discover that touching ourselves DOWN THERE is actually quite pleasant and this just confuses us. If touching ones genitals is so bad why does it feel so good?
Parents are getting more and more liberal when it comes to discussing sex and masturbation with their children but when I was young it was never discussed. Genitals where referred to as pee pee's and no no's and we were made to feel horrible or disgusting if we played with them.
I remember at a very young age I was wrestling with a female neighbour (at her instigation) in their pool when she blurted out "what's that hard thing in your pants?" Her mothers face was one of horror and she marched me across the road to our house and whispered to my mother who apologised embarrassedly to the girl's mother before admonishing me for being disgusting.
Banished to my bedroom and banned from our neighbour's house I lay there wondering what the fuck I had done. Knowing it had something to do with my pee pee getting hard I decided I had a defective pee pee that upset the mothers of girls my age.
For a young male this is perplexing, I knew sometimes my pee pee got hard but had no idea why and because of the stigma surrounding such an event I was left thinking that this phenomenon was not normal and for years every time I got an erection I stood in horror pleading with it to go away.
I had seen my sisters naked and knew they didn't have a pee pee, they kind of had a little bum in front and a normal one at the back. I was so jealous they didn't have this disgusting pee pee that got hard like I had.
My mother referred to my sisters genitals as no no's. I took this to mean that no no they didn't have a pee pee.
Walking into the house one day I heard my mother lecturing my sister about something. Enjoying the fact my sister was in trouble for once I quietly hid and listened in on a lecture about interfering with oneself. Some years later I realised my sister who was a year younger then I was, had discovered masturbation before I had and was trying to convince our mother she was scratching because she was itchy.
This lecture confused me even more. I had questions.
If my sister didn't have a pee pee how could she interfere with herself? Why was mother so terribly upset that my sister had an itchy no no?
School friends were no help, when you are an eleven-year-old boy you cant ask your eleven-year-old school mate if his pee pee gets hard sometimes without getting kicked in the balls and told you are a faggot. I wasn't even sure what a faggot was.
Then one day in the showers after sports Jimmy French was teased for having a hard on. This was such a relief to me. Some boys grabbed him from behind holding his arms behind his back so he couldn't hide his erection while the rest pointed and laughed. I just looked to the heavens and thanked god I wasn't the only one that suffered this affliction, I also thanked God I never got them in the showers after sports.
Of course over the years pieces of the puzzle start to fit together and schoolyard discussions about stiffy's, wanking and spoof take on new meaning about the time that girls underwear start to interest you. Up until this time girls were just weak giggling little creatures who were annoying and didn't laugh when you farted.
But when a pubescent boy understands the workings of pee pee's and no no's girls take on a new and exciting attraction. I was lucky enough to have the trust of a girl at school that was willing to show me hers if I showed her mine.
This was a life altering experience.
Our walk home was along a bush track and not before long she grabbed my arm and led me into the undergrowth. We were both nervous and giggling but she lifted her skirt and let me gaze at her panties, this to me at that stage in life was the Holy Grail.
Little did I know that they hid treasures beyond my wildest dreams.
She said she would show me more if I dropped my pants and freed willy, I should have realised she had done this before from that statement. Before too long we stood in front of each other with our pants around our ankles inspecting each others genitals like it was a homework task from school.
Her marvelling at my now rigid and straining erection and me absolutely fascinated with the soft furry slit between her legs. I didn't want this moment to end but her curiosity was sated before mine as she pulled her panties back on and said "come on we better get going"
I walked along beside her chatting happily about school and stuff wishing my hard on would go away. After saying goodbye at her gate I headed off in the direction of my house when it struck.
The pain was unbearable.
My balls were on fire; God was punishing me for touching a girls no no and showing her mine. It all made sense, my mother was right. The closer I got to home the more my balls ached bringing me close to tears. I locked myself in my bedroom on the verge of panic not knowing what to do.
I had decided that I would listen to my mother more and do what she told me from then on and I apologised to God for breaking the law of the no no. I promised God that if I lived through this and the pain went away I would never again touch or show my pee pee to anyone and I would never look at or touch a girls no no ever again.
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-12-01 14:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-01 11:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-01 07:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-02-09 17:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a great post. But this review almost made me pee myself.
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V
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:29:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a mom like that...even worse.
I remember seeing the shadow of her feet under the door and then she would slowly turn the door knob and barge into my screaming "LET GO OF YOUR PENIS!" You know...just in case. Then she would go to the next rooms and so on.
It was fucking weird, I tell you.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-02 10:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nominated for best ever:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88684
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-01 04:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
memories - misty water colourrreddd memoriess
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-06-01 04:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely portrayal of innocence
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-06-01 03:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-05-11 06:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Severn (user info) at 2006-05-04 17:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Saxon is my favorite Ubersite writer ever!
I think I was punished for 'interfering with myself' as well while reading this post, as it was so good.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-03-13 07:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna fuck my kids up like this, you know, for laughs.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-10 22:49:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-05 13:22:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blimey
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice one...
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:01:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well that was pointless
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2006-02-24 20:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats on bored at work. i liked it a lot.
Submitted by danmerqury (user info) at 2006-02-23 22:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely hilarious.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-21 19:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this?
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-02-17 18:56:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So, did you keep your promise?
Submitted by deepmichael (user info) at 2006-02-17 12:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow pure excellence
congrads on B@W
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-17 10:17:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats on B@W
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-17 10:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is top shelf stuff, Saxon ol' boy.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-17 09:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Up until this time girls were just weak giggling little creatures who were annoying and didn't laugh when you farted."
==============
I have to say that I giggle when my husband farts. Farts are funny.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-02-17 09:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was hilarious!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-17 05:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 through and through. Congrats on B@W
Submitted by emxel (user info) at 2006-02-17 03:53:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed, blue balls is the worst. I can't imagine how bad it is when you don't even know what the fuck is going on. Thank you bullshit religion.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-02-17 03:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel sorry for all the kids that are brought up to think that anything involving genitals is dirty and shameful. It's just stupid.
I remember seeing my little brother with an erection, my mum was helping him dry after he showered. He was 7 at the time. She saw it, casually wrapped the towel around him so he wouldn't get embarassed, and continued to dry his hair with another towel. My mum's cool.
Oh, and +2 for "Up until this time girls were just weak giggling little creatures who were annoying and didn't laugh when you farted."
Submitted by LucidCognition (user info) at 2006-02-16 17:30:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That fountain is great, all the copper had turned green when I saw it though. Was the only stupid tourist picture I took when I went to Europe. Everybody who walked up to it and saw it for the first time just laughed. The hips on the guys swivel back and forth , they look like little kids peeing in the snow.
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-02-16 16:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Every time I got a hard-on as a boy, I would have to flagellate myself with a coat hanger. True story.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-16 15:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W
Submitted by Nockane (user info) at 2006-02-16 14:04:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So girls are just scratching it, guys are just cleaning it... makes sense.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-02-16 12:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forgot to rate this.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-16 11:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeebus parents are so fucked up. I've been jacking it since I was 10. I didn't believe for a second that it was dirty, even though I was raised Catholic. I was always 100% suspicious of anything a priest told me, so it worked out for me. Sorry to hear that you were mentally scarred. I hope you've made up for lost time, and wank it liberally now.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-02-16 11:13:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats on B@W
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-16 10:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
reasons why i'm glad i'm a girl....
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-02-16 10:21:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me of when I went to confession and talked to the priest about touching myself in a "sinful way." I'm pretty embarrassed about it in retrospect.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-02-16 10:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2006-02-16 10:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:05:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain though, I grew up Catholic, those weirdos believe the "sin is in the thought" so I'm not supposed to even THINK about masturbation.
---------------------------------------------
I'm in the same boat. But then I figured that as long as I'm in trouble for thinking about it I might as well go ahead and do it. I could always mention it at confession and be absolved of sins. Especially because my priest seemed to give me less penance when I told him about my masturbatory practices...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-16 09:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
At least your mom didn't smack it until it went flaccid.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-16 08:17:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember my first glimpse of no no - I thought it was disgusting.
Was just t'other day...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-16 07:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Genitals where referred to as pee pee's and no no's and we were made to feel horrible or disgusting if we played with them."
I thought you were Australian! Every Aussie I've ever met has been just as happy to whip it out as to shake your hand. "'Ere mate, 'ave a look at this..."
I didn't think there were any Aussies that grew up with that kind of typical puritan North American repression.
And Caul...Jesus. Your mom was like this anti-masturbatory guerilla terrorist or something. You never knew when she was going to strike.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-02-16 04:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To be 11 years old again...
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-02-16 03:58:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha!
Caul is even more fucked up than you are!
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-02-16 03:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84024
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-16 02:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:15:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's saxon.
Need I say more?
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-02-15 20:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember finding my dad's porn when I was about 6. I then knew what I would look like 'down there....' I remained in the dark about male genetalia for a few years more. Why didn't Mum have porn?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-15 20:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had seen my sisters naked and knew they didn't have a pee pee, they kind of had a little bum in front and a normal one at the back.
______________________
Well put. When I was 6 and went exhibitionist with my female neighbor of the same age, my parents, who didn't know what the fuck to make of it, just gave me a book about it. The vaginas in that book were hand-sketched and hairy looking, no wonder I couldn't wank forever.
Submitted by devadasi (user info) at 2006-02-15 20:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're mom's pretty fucking sick to make kids feel that way about themselves.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-02-15 20:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-02-15 20:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seek professional help. It's always beter than confessional help.
Submitted by PoTtY (user info) at 2006-02-15 20:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I expected the ending to be...
...and I cut off my penis to avoid detection.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-15 20:05:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2006-02-15 19:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-02-15 19:14:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird
if boys have pee-pee's and girls have No-no's, then why did my mom call mine a nee-nee sometimes and a po-po the other?
I should call her.
---
Maybe your Mom has lysdexia
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-02-15 19:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird
if boys have pee-pee's and girls have No-no's, then why did my mom call mine a nee-nee sometimes and a po-po the other?
I should call her.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-15 19:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor poor Saxon.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, since it appears you have lived, I can only assume that you have now fulfilled your promise to God and that you're now a flaming homosexual.
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:04:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, she started doing this when I was like 9. I had no idea what was her problem. I remember when read me passage of the Bible to explain the wrongs of masturbation. We tease her with that shit and had quite a few laughs about this.
Anyway, this post is about Saxon.
==================
I know. Its still funny, though. I thought *I* grew up in a religious home. Never got the "LET GO OF YOUR PENIS" treatment, though. And my parents are Baptists!
Submitted by Skeptic (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:36:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That takes me back. I was such a perv then - guess I still am.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:19:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Another classic Saxon post!
Submitted by Psycosis (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha nice work.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:20:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:10:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My balls were on fire; God was punishing me for touching a girls no no and showing her mine.
--------
That pain was caused by the tears of the baby Jeebus falling on you and burning your nutsack.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain though, I grew up Catholic, those weirdos believe the "sin is in the thought" so I'm not supposed to even THINK about masturbation.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:05:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to agree with Teephphah on this one.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:57:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:29:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a mom like that...even worse.
I remember seeing the shadow of her feet under the door and then she would slowly turn the door knob and barge into my screaming "LET GO OF YOUR PENIS!" You know...just in case. Then she would go to the next rooms and so on.
It was fucking weird, I tell you.
=========================================================
HAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHA
Fuckin Canadians never cease to make me laugh.
The neighbors probably thought you were a chronic masturbator.
They were probably right.
===
Dude, she started doing this when I was like 9. I had no idea what was her problem. I remember when read me passage of the Bible to explain the wrongs of masturbation. We tease her with that shit and had quite a few laughs about this.
Anyway, this post is about Saxon.
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-02-15 18:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I had seen my sisters naked and knew they didn't have a pee pee, they kind of had a little bum in front and a normal one at the back. I was so jealous they didn't have this disgusting pee pee that got hard like I had. "
"I was so jealous they didn't have this disgusting pee pee that got hard like I had. "
Homo!
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:57:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:29:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a mom like that...even worse.
I remember seeing the shadow of her feet under the door and then she would slowly turn the door knob and barge into my screaming "LET GO OF YOUR PENIS!" You know...just in case. Then she would go to the next rooms and so on.
It was fucking weird, I tell you.
=========================================================
HAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHA
Fuckin Canadians never cease to make me laugh.
The neighbors probably thought you were a chronic masturbator.
They were probably right.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:56:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure Caulaincourt's mom was responsible for a lot of what happen here on Uber.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:53:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't touch me there, you aren't my priest!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:51:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:43:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:29:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a mom like that...even worse.
I remember seeing the shadow of her feet under the door and then she would slowly turn the door knob and barge into my screaming "LET GO OF YOUR PENIS!" You know...just in case. Then she would go to the next rooms and so on.
It was fucking weird, I tell you.
---------------------------------
Actually, that explains a LOT
===
How so? It's not like I think about this everyday.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:43:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:29:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a mom like that...even worse.
I remember seeing the shadow of her feet under the door and then she would slowly turn the door knob and barge into my screaming "LET GO OF YOUR PENIS!" You know...just in case. Then she would go to the next rooms and so on.
It was fucking weird, I tell you.
---------------------------------
Actually, that explains a LOT
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bless you, poor child!
Submitted by zaidr (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good post, but me thinks i heard it before (i guess it happens alot?)
but come on, do you expect me to believe a 10 year old girl pulled you into the bushes and showed you her "no no"? 10 year olds are pretty mature. this same thing (minus the poison ivy) happened to me when i was 6...not that i'm boasting, lol. but really, 10 is a bit old. was it really 10?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:30:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:29:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I honestly can't tell you whether I found this post to be funny or sad.
===
You see what religion does?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:29:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a mom like that...even worse.
I remember seeing the shadow of her feet under the door and then she would slowly turn the door knob and barge into my screaming "LET GO OF YOUR PENIS!" You know...just in case. Then she would go to the next rooms and so on.
It was fucking weird, I tell you.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:29:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I honestly can't tell you whether I found this post to be funny or sad.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:28:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha pee pees and no nos
fuckin bosh man!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can relate to the sharp ball pain for no reason, it's a bitch. I don't know whether to be proud or freaked out that you have memories of some kiddy vadge, so I'll just be moving along, then.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:20:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I know why you're so perverted. You were sexually repressed at such a young age.
Don't worry, Saxon dear, I'm here to liberate you.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another classic Saxon post!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's saxon.
Need I say more?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so...this is your excuse for using glory holes?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So.....This is your excuse for being a virgin?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sure hope you had your fingers crossed when you made that promise.