Some are destined for greatness. I, unfortunately, am not. (574 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.28 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 4-10-84 <weasul-at-gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-02-16 14:44:32 EST
I am destined to lose a finger. Before I leave this world, one of my digits has to somehow be accidentally removed from my body. This destiny was appointed to me years before I was born. It started with my grandfather and has since become family tradition.
Every male in direct lineage of my grandfather has lost at least part of a finger. It's really funny at family gathering seeing all of my uncle's, most of my cousins, and my father sitting around without fingers. We call it a curse and it is a common joke among us all. All thanks to my grandfather.
I never met my grandfather. He died 10 years prior to my birth and, from what I've heard, I'm in a way glad I never met him. It seems he was quite the hard ass and a very tough guy. I'm sure if he was alive and I met him tomorrow, he would head butt me instead of shake my hand. The way he lost his finger assures me of this and is by far the best.
My father grew up on a farm in rural Poland. His family lived on a farm and lived off the land. They were miles from a hospital and their only method of transportation was a horse and buggy. This created quite a predicament several times, I'm sure. One of the worst had to be when my grandfather lost his finger. He was outside cutting wood when he cut halfway through his left thumb. My grandfather, being a drunk polak, thought he would have to get it amputated if he made a trip to the hospital. Because of his mindset, he decided to take matters into his own hands. He went inside, put his bloody finger on the kitchen table, and cut the rest of it off. That's fucking tough, but apparently not tough enough. He then decided to cauterize it himself. Yes, he heated something up and pressed his stump where his thumb, which he just cut off, used to be onto a hot object. That's one ballsy mother fucker.
No member of my family has come close to matching the bad ass loss of my grandfather. My father lost the tip of his left index finger to some scrap metal at his old job. My uncle lost his left middle finger while being an idiot on a drill press. Another uncle crushed half of his right index finger while moving. My last uncle lost his left index finger when the chain on his chainsaw snapped. My cousin lost his finger (can't recall which one) in a fishing accident. Another cousin lost his right index finger when he was a child while playing tug of war with a tape measure (fucking idiot). Another cousin lost his right pinky finger to a dog. I have other cousins that have lost fingers in many other ways.
As it stands today, there are six of us left: my brother, three cousins, a cousin's son, and myself. Family members are betting that the way I lose mine is going to be the most amusing due to all the stupid stuff I do. However, I want to prove them wrong. I want to lose my finger in a badass way. A way that would put my grandfather to shame. I was thinking of raping a midget with a stick of dynamite only for it to explode and blow off my finger, but that's probably illegal. How should I lose my finger, Uber?
On a side note, after two bottle of champagne, two power hours, and countless other beers throughout the night last night, my best friend ran over my foot with his car. I'm now on crutches for weeks.
User Reviews
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-02-17 07:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stick it in a dyke. She'll break it off.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-02-17 07:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-17 07:01:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stick it in a dam. That seems to bring an inherent legendary status.
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A DIKE, Sinna, you're supposed to stick your finger in a dike. Not a dam.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-17 07:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stick it in a dam. That seems to bring an inherent legendary status.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-02-16 23:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to say you should get necrotizing fasciitis but it might kill you. You'd probably end up losing more than just a finger anyway so I guess that's out. I think you should either have a tiny chihuahua chew it off or pour acid on it until there's no more finger.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-02-16 19:13:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Once when I was a kid I went in the crawlspace under the house with my dad. He was busy looking for a water leak or something, and I was crawling around nearby. I found a mummified finger in the gravel/lime mixture on the vapor barier. Apparently some guy building the house had sawn it off. Weirded me out supreme.
An interesting read, too.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-02-16 17:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-02-16 16:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2006-02-16 16:29:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Slam it in a door.
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I was close to losing my right middle finger in a door once. When I was learning how to unicycle, I would put my hands on the walls of a hallway for balance. Well, I was mounting onetime and my door was still closing. I didn't notice that my finger was in the door. It closed on my finger and I just bled a lot and lost a fingernail.
Yeah, power hours sound easy as hell, but they get you pretty hammered. Especially considering that I don't adhere to the rules. On some minutes I find myself taking several shots. I typically finish eight or nine beers instead of the six that I'm supposed to.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2006-02-16 16:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of drunk, a "power hour" is when you take a shot of beer every minute for an hour. If you've never done it, it sounds a lot easier than it is.
Yeah, I like to stay away from those...that and playing Beirut with wine. Bleugh.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2006-02-16 16:29:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Slam it in a door.
This kid here at school was drunk and in a fight with his girlfriend and went to slam the door, forgot that his hand was still in the doorway and basically slammed the door as hard as he could on his two fingers. The top knuckles from his middle and index fingers were cut off in the door and he couldn't get them reattached.
That's one way to do it. Just make sure you're reeeeeaaaalllllllllllly drunk, like almost dead, before you try it.
Have fun.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-02-16 15:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what is two "power hours"?
your gramps: they don't make real men like that anymore.
your digit: how about an old-fashioned meat grinder, you can probably find one in an antique shop. stick your digit in that, crank the handle, and watch the blood squirt.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-02-16 15:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The auger of a snowblower, or a meat grinder. Both are colorful and classy.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-16 15:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
When I was 5 a dog bit off the tip of my right index finger...luckily it spat it out and it gor reattached. The scar hurts like hell in the cold weather.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-16 15:18:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
THAT GUY'S NOT POLISH!
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-02-16 15:12:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-16 15:04:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
How should I lose my finger, Uber?
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Stick up your ass, then sit down real HARD
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I was expecting that to be one of the first reviews.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-16 15:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"skate it off"
all of you.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-16 15:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How should I lose my finger, Uber?
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Stick up your ass, then sit down real HARD
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-16 15:02:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Or a pole smoker like Iago
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-16 14:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-16 14:53:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-16 14:48:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, quit your complaining. You could be a leg-less wonder like me.
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Or a cockless wonder like Method.
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Or a brainless wonder like MistressFist
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-16 14:56:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry I did mean to +2 this.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-16 14:53:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-16 14:48:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, quit your complaining. You could be a leg-less wonder like me.
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Or a cockless wonder like Method.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-02-16 14:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
welcome
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-16 14:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, quit your complaining. You could be a leg-less wonder like me.