What's in a Name: Professional_Peon (1268 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: whats_in_a_name
Rating: 1.75 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-02-17 12:59:54 EST
Caulaincort: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82762
scourgeoftheseas: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82051
Jeanneee: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81681
Badassmofo: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81264
Orgasmatron: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80920
"What's in a Name: Professional_Peon"
Goldie was a good girl and she lived a simple life,
Three years done at college, one to go,
She enjoyed her classes and she loved her boyfriend Jim,
Of her interests, little did he know.
Once in sophomore year while they were showering together
Jim let slip a little of his whizz,
As he 'pologized he never saw her start to smile,
Overcome with pleasure from the piss.
Months went by and never 'gain did Jimmy loose a drop
Overcome by shame and guilt he wouldn't,
Once - just once - she asked him casually to drain his vein
On her body, but he simply couldn't.
So it went, and so it went, with poor Jim none the wiser
Of his Goldie's kinky little fetish,
She knew it would break his heart to learn what she'd become,
That she'd learn to love when things got wettish.
Junior year, and Goldie moved into her own apartment,
Jim had wondered how she'd made the dough
To buy a whole new wardrobe and afford that new Mercedes,
Soon he'd learn, yes, soon he'd come to know.
After Economics one of Jimmy's friends suggested
That they hit a party late that night,
"Keep it on the low-low, man, 'cause there's some entertainment,
Damn this filthy girl's quite a sight.
Slater knows a guy, who knows another guy's connection,
Through him we both met this twisted chick,
She loves golden showers, and we charge the guys admission,
Everyone makes money, dude! It's sick!"
Jim knew Goldie had a class that night so he assented,
Lost his breath as he walked through the door,
There before him stood near sixteen men upon a dropcloth
Goldie kneeling 'fore them on the floor.
Jim went pale and started shaking as he watched them piss
All across his lover's smiling face,
In her mouth and in her eyes and 'tween her heavy breasts,
Dribbling drops of urine everyplace.
Goldie saw him standing there and stood (the men all booed)
Saw the pain behind his eyes of blue,
With her hand she reached for him, heard "KEEP YOUR PISS-MITTS OFF ME!"
Out the door he ran, she followed too.
There beside a bridge she caught him crying and explaied
How she came to be the girl she was:
"Jimmy, dear, I just can't help it, since that fateful day
You peed inside the shower I've been in love,
Not with other men but the consistency of urine,
Its scent, its texture and its burning heat,
I think about it daily, how I want it on my skin
Dripping from my chin down to my feet.
I like it every single way, both salty and quite sweet,
When it stinks of Sugar Smacks I tingle,
Some men eat asparagus, and that sure does the trick,
Though it's best when different flavors mingle."
She went to continue but he slapped her in the face,
"Goldie, you have split my heart in two,
You get paid to let men pee on you, you filthy whore!
Your clothes are soaked! Oh God, just look at you!"
Goldie tried explaining how the pissing went one way,
How she did not want to void her bladder,
"So you're just a 'pee-on?'" Jimmy asked her with a laugh,
"Go pro, baby, climb that corporate ladder.
Wait, you're a professional already, I forgot,
Don't forget to get your cash tonight."
Then he turned away and leapt acoss the iron railing
Falling to his death and from her sight.
Goldie thought to cry but in the end it didn't matter,
Jim would never, ever understand
So she walked back to the house where sixteen men waited
Then she left with money in her hand.
Besides, Jim was a total asshole and had been cheating on her with Slater for months and months. She'd learned this after Slater'd tinkled all over her backside ("because that's how we Germans do it" he'd said) and he was feeling all close to her or some such shit. Stupid men.
So really, Jim had it coming in the end. Had he not leapt to his death she'd have smothered him in the night with the pillow he'd made for her freshman year. Seriously, what sort of man makes a PILLOW as a present? A gay one, obviously.
Goldie made a mental note - only date women from now on. Preferably ones that ejaculate. Ejaculating chicks rule.
Image result for 'peon:'
User Reviews
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-28 15:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So like... that last few lines of straight ranting... I take it it was either for affect or just because you had a story to tell and were running out of time and just said 'the hell with it!' Oh and by the way... a little-known fact about asparagus. Asparagus does not alter the scent of urine. Asparagus causes a reaction in the body that opens certain sensories and makes them more sensitive to smells such as urine. The way you perceive your urine to smell after eating asparagus is actually how your urine smells all the time... you just aren't attuned to it until after eating said vegetable. As an experiment (suggested by a local radio show) have several friends enter a restroom with you after eating asparagus (they have not eaten asparagus) and proceed to urinate. You will report smelling foul urine while they will either report smelling nothing or what is perceived to be the usual smell of urine.
Please note the above experiment is NOT original. It was carried out in a rather funny bit by a popular morning radio show duo that I'm sure most American Uberers have heard of (O&A).
All that aside, another wonderful write. Well done.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-02-24 23:08:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are the man.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*DING DING DING*
Orgasmatron guessed right! The answer I was looking for was Beowolf!
You win our fabulous prize of a worthless +2!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-18 06:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Celebrate good times, come on
Masturbate to rhymes, shamone!
And break the hymen down before it grows and kills us all
====================
Getting cockblocked sucks.
This rhyme cheered me up.
Submitted by Hash_brownie_supreme (user info) at 2006-02-18 02:28:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-18 02:04:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hooray, hooray,
I've reached 100K
Hooray, hooray,
This milestone is so gay
It's Brokeback like Heath Ledger
It's Jake like Gyllenhall
It's harpoon-stuck like bad guys James Bond killed in Thunderball
Celebrate good times, come on
Masturbate to rhymes, shamone!
And break the hymen down before it grows and kills us all
Someone heard the violins die with a dying fall
Batter me with thousand-posts and chain me to the wall
Force on me your hits and praise
Cupcakes offset rape malaise
Only nine more 100Ks and I'll be king of Uber
Man, that trannie sure is fine - I'd do him.....
.....in the pooper.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-17 20:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Congratulations, O!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-17 19:57:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs fewer than 40 more hits. . .
"Pee on me, when you're not strong. . ."
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-17 19:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:15:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
I believe there's either Specialist or Analyst.
Pee Analyst.
=========================
My job title is Q & Pee Analyst
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-17 19:37:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jeez, I can't suck any faster.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 18:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Keep the hits up and yes, you probably will be.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-17 18:00:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohh! Ohh! Can I be # 69???
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 17:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
144...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
189...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:28:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Show him your beer bottle trick.
He'll be yours in no time.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:17:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Analyst huh?
Sounds like I need to get a job working with the hot guy from CSI
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I believe there's either Specialist or Analyst.
Pee Analyst.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:12:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have my review for work this afternoon.
What would I be if I get promoted????
Is there a step between Peon & Management????
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more peenar.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:38:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well mother fucker. um congrats on almost making it? here's another hit/review.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:26:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
289 more what?
---
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84196#1844779
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:31:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
meh
Didn't read it. Have to rate
what?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
289 more what?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
289 more...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:05:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:25:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:18:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:23:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
i knew from "goldie" on this would be a piss post, yet i still read it.
--------------------
I thought it was a reference to the chick in VH1's "Flavor of Love" show
FLAAAAAAVOR FLAAAAAAAAVE!!!
Then I got it... what can I say I'm slow.
---
Slow like the trickle of urine from out of an old man's urethra as he stands over a "professional pee-on?"
I originally wanted her to be named Katie, but I figured that might inspire people to think I was talking about Uberwomenz named Katie/Katy/whatever.
All apologies to anyone named Goldie. Piss queens, the lot of you.
----------
i do not do anything with bodily fluids not biologically related to sex. other such harlotry i can deal with. no to the pee pee. i do have some limits.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:56:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
You I can trust, since I keep you chained to the pipes in the bathroom.
---------
I thought the same thing about phuzzy, but somehow he got out.
He made up the whole 'backpacking in South America' thing to cover for his absence.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know. I don't know where scourge has been.
Hell, I don't know where I've been.
You I can trust, since I keep you chained to the pipes in the bathroom.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:50:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:37:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:21:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sacrilicious is going to be my Uber bride. Everybody else, hands off.
---
She's already one of my seven wives, gringo.
You'll either need to kill me or woo her away from me.
========================
Aww..you guys! *SWOON*
Can I marry one of you and just bang the other occasionally?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:37:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:21:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sacrilicious is going to be my Uber bride. Everybody else, hands off.
---
She's already one of my seven wives, gringo.
You'll either need to kill me or woo her away from me.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:25:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:18:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:23:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
i knew from "goldie" on this would be a piss post, yet i still read it.
--------------------
I thought it was a reference to the chick in VH1's "Flavor of Love" show
FLAAAAAAVOR FLAAAAAAAAVE!!!
Then I got it... what can I say I'm slow.
---
Slow like the trickle of urine from out of an old man's urethra as he stands over a "professional pee-on?"
I originally wanted her to be named Katie, but I figured that might inspire people to think I was talking about Uberwomenz named Katie/Katy/whatever.
All apologies to anyone named Goldie. Piss queens, the lot of you.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:21:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gay is the new straight? Where does that leave straight? Now my brain hurts...
Sacrilicious is going to be my Uber bride. Everybody else, hands off.
I'm out of here fools, 1:30 on a Friday and I'm done.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:23:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
i knew from "goldie" on this would be a piss post, yet i still read it.
--------------------
I thought it was a reference to the chick in VH1's "Flavor of Love" show
FLAAAAAAVOR FLAAAAAAAAVE!!!
Then I got it... what can I say I'm slow.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh
My
GAWD!!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:59:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm secretly in love with Sacrilicious.
=========================================
I'm not-so-secretly in love with Scourge. And pee.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Recall, in that comment I was trying to give Shlongy a quick rundown of what the story was about.
I figured I'd keep it simple and use terms he was familiar with...like 'mos.
Gotta adjust to fit your audience, right?
Besides, everyone's gay these days. Gay is the new straight.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:09:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83547#1830544
I just found this little comment of yours Mr Poet. So I'm a homo am I?
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
wanker
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-17 14:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA
Now this is REAL classy.
Wonder why she hasn't chimed in yet?
BTW - do me next!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm secretly in love with Sacrilicious.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:38:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, who am I kidding? I really want to comment..I'm just at a bit of a loss for words.
Um..
HI PEON!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:30:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:23:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
i knew from "goldie" on this would be a piss post, yet i still read it.
---
This wasn't about piss. This was about the decline of 19th century European elitism and how the Industrial Revolution cast its sooty shadow across the Continent.
Just read between the lines.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:21:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to see you try my name - if anything, just to try to rhyme 'JonnyX'.
---
I've actually had an idea for yours for a while.
I might want to merge it with "Bubba2341" though. Not to make it easy and lump them together, but because I've had similar ideas for both names at one point or another.
We'll have to see.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i knew from "goldie" on this would be a piss post, yet i still read it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:01:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Golden as always
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to see you try my name - if anything, just to try to rhyme 'JonnyX'.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Drip drip drip.
http://media.putfile.com/Dave-Chappelle---R-kelly---Pee-On-You-vi
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love
I don't even want none of the above
I want to piss on you, yes I do
I'll piss on you, I'll piss on you
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just focus on the 'uh' sound.
Nitpicker.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There beside a bridge she caught him crying and explaied
How she came to be the girl she was:
"Jimmy, dear, I just can't help it, since that fateful day
You peed inside the shower I've been in love,
How does "was" and "love" rhyme?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:07:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Let's see those hits, sports fans. Daddy wants to break 100K by COB today.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pee-on.....
<LIGHTBULB GOES ON>
HAR HAR I AM TEH SMARTNESS
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-17 13:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment