"Oh look honey, they got dead people in the bakyard." (1093 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.57 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shadow (View user info) at 2006-02-17 15:00:53 EST
Last year I moved three times, from Laurel to Randallstown, then to Jessup, then to Catonsville. After a year of relative insecurity and living out of boxes, my flatmate and I (luckycricket! who is a new addition here on Ubersite) finally found a place that was cheap enough for our broke asses, but nice enough that we could pull the car up to the leasing office without being shot.
It seemed perfect. Each street was lined with old buildings that looked remarkably like cottages. The interior was nice; hardwood floors, plaster walls, arched doorways and a gorgious view... of the largest graveyard I have ever seen. (see pics)
That's right, my apartment building backs up to the Baltimore National Cemetary. Miles upon miles of perfectly symetric white gravestones, as far as the eye can see!
It's not that bad... really.
There are a few problems though, for example:
The building is so old that we don't have circuit breakers. We instead have a fuse box with four 15amp round screw-in Buss fuses. This means that if I plug in the heater and the toaster at the same time, I blow a fuse and have to drive to either Baltimore or Ellicott City to get replacements. I stocked up on my last trip though, so I should be good 'til March or so.
What does this mean? When I'm there at night, alone, cooking myself some crab-rangoon and trying to keep my feet warm, I lose power. I have to scramble around in the dark to find the fuses, then get something to stand on to reach the fuse box ('cause I'm short), then figure out which one blew, and get the new one in before the ghosts, zombies and spirits come to claim me for their undead feast! It's fucking scary!!!
Parking is pretty tight, and sometimes there isn't anywhere for my awesome little Echo to fit (?!). In such circumstances I park behind my building (again see pic). There, in the dark, I leave the safety of my vehicle MERE FEET from the graves! I saw this movie, and I'm not a virgin so it's on when the virus hits!
Speaking of Zombies... The laundry facilities are in the building next to us... in the basement... accessable only from the back of the building. When I go to wash my knickers I have to walk BELOW GROUND to do so! When the zombies strike that'll be the worst hiding spot since all they have to do is FALL DOWN THE STAIRS to get me! My flatmate won't do laundry alone after dark.
How to deal with these problems? Well, I've been looking at the "Zombie Survival Guide" (though I haven't bought it yet since I'm broke) and watching cinematic gems like "Evil Dead" and "Evil Dead II" and of course "Army of Darkness" not to mention the Resident Evil video games and movies and the "Dawn of, Night of, Afternoon of the Dead" and I believe I'm prepared for the inevitable attack of the demised. (The movie "Pulse" is coming out soon... oooooh, more fuel for my paranoia).
The good news is that Maryland is a Catholic State, so it shouldn't be too hard to find a priest willing to bless my swords and my flatmate's baseball bat. (That's +1 to undead slaying for the D&D geeks out there) But Holy weapons are really just the begining, we also need Holy Water both for it's zombie smiting abilities and to drink in case we are cut off from our water supply. Plenty of canned food, and our course, a flame thrower. That last one might be tricky.
Any other Suggestions? Slap 'em on below and in the meantime, I'm going to do some more research, I hear the Voodoo folks down south have ways of dealing with these matters...
PEACE
User Reviews
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-17 10:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I used to love playing capture the flag in graveyards.
There were a lot of good places to hide them.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-07-17 10:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is usually only ever Americans who say that they like graveyards. Merlina did as well, but she is a special case.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-17 10:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool. I love graveyards, might be strange, but I find them very atmospheric.
The Necropolis in Glasgow is epic, full of ancient tombs and monuments. And when I was in France once I went to a WW2 graveyard full of perfectly white crucifixes and the bounciest, neatest grass I've ever walked on.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-06-02 18:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two zombie posts on the same day!?
Stupid paranoia.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-17 22:12:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bah... Just talk to nath, he'll solve your zombie problem right quick.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-02-17 20:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-17 17:05:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing makes me feel more like an idiot than misspelling the title. It's not the first time either...
Why must I fail in this capacity? I always preview twice! How could I miss the mistype in the title again?!
I'm off to commit sepuku.
=-=-=--==--=-==--=-=-=-==
I wonder if Japanese samurai zombies ever commit sepuku...
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2006-02-17 17:22:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, in order for it to be a successful Zombie Attack, you'll need a couple of hott chicks next door for you and your friend to eventually bang.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-17 17:05:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing makes me feel more like an idiot than misspelling the title. It's not the first time either...
Why must I fail in this capacity? I always preview twice! How could I miss the mistype in the title again?!
I'm off to commit sepuku.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This made me laugh....
But I have my principles...I can't +2 something where the title is misspelled. Sorry.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:30:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually keep the fuses in a drawer in an "island" in the kitchen, just a few feet below the fuse box, but when it's dark and there are dead people chasing you, sometimes you pull the wrong drawer, and i broke my flashlight :(
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:25:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's a thought: Why don't you keep the fuses NEXT to the fuse box?
Christ, I'm surrounded by fucking idiots.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-02-17 16:07:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hire this guy:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83134
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Any other Suggestions?
-----
skate it off
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
One of my best friends lives across the street from a cemetary. Quiet neighbors, I've been told.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:25:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Entirely too many exclamation points!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You live in Baltimore and you say knickers and flatmate? You're a limey transplant for sure.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Neighbours for your new Pad are terrific!!!
Think about it!!....
They'll never want to do Construction in the middle of the night!!
It's unlikely they'll have loud parties... and IF they DO!!
... join in!! just imagine who could show up!!
Wonderful!! You're very luck!!
Good luck with the fuse thing...
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:16:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fresh Zombie Tracks-HAHAHAHHAHHA!
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:13:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I bet theres a lot of jewelry buried with those corpses...
I'm just saying...
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:12:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you just shoot zombies in the head and they die. Keep you weapon on you at all times.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:11:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Halloween is going to be a blast this year!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:06:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I lived next to a graveyard once. It wasn't nearly as big, or as symmetrical, but getting dressed up, taking a myriad of drugs and pretending to be lunatic zombies in it was brilliant. Try it, you won't be scared no mores!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-17 15:02:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
can't believe I typoed the title... I checked it twice!
i'm an idiot