Homsar's Foolproof Guide to a Utopian Economy (533 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.25 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Homsar (View user info) at 2006-02-17 18:30:59 EST
(Yeah yeah, I've been on a year hiatus or some shit -- just read the damn post)
I was bored as shit today, and I drifted off into daydreams about the powerball, and what I'd do if I won. I know you've all had the same ridiculous scenario played out in your heads: "if I had all that Jack Whittaker money, I wouldn't be a retard with it." Well, fuck you -- my idea solves every possible economical issue we face today. And it makes you rich, you greedy assholes. Hear me out:
We always hear about these incompetent boobs on the telly, winning fourteen hundred jillion dollars and somehow filing for bankruptcy six years later. its the same old story: Billy (B) plus lottery (L) plus cocaine and hookers (CH) = broke, strung out, and dead in a ditch somewhere from a self-inflicted gunshot wound (BSOADIADSFASIGW). (look kids, aljubra). On any given saturday, there are probably no less than five citizens of this country winning multiple millions, with powerball-this, megalotto-that, and powermegalottoball-this-and-that.
My solution: lets start a campaign, a petition, that asks legislators in washington to put a $1 million limit on all lottery winnings. Meaning in essence, after taxes, lottery winners must give away all but $1m of their winnings away, in $1m increments. Yes, they can give a million to each of their friends if they want. The only rule is, you have to give all but a million away. Aside from the obvious benefits such as ending poverty and greatly reducing crime, this solves several issues --
1) Greed -- ah, one of those seven deadly something-or-others that god said something about...or something. I've done some research, and a million dollars is all anyone should ever need. Putting your million into the right investment situations, its possible to make around $40,000 yearly of pure interest. Meaning you are making $40,000 yearly salary for sitting around eating cheetos and screwing your dog. And your seed million will never have to be touched, thus generating that guaranteed $40,000 every year for the rest of your life. Oh, you want that private jet you say? Fuck you, you don't have a pilots license, shithead. And if you have been a millionaire and are now somehow broke, you're stupid and should kill yourself . Just dig your heart out with a rusty spoon, I beg you. On to my other points.
2) Unemployment -- sure, unemployment is pretty low right now. But I think it's a safe bet to say, somewhere out there, there are a few people who want a job, and just aren't having much luck in the market. Problem solved. You just won 43 million in saturday's powerball drawing, meaning you and 42 of your closest confidants are never working again. Hmm...43 jobs just opened up. Niggas rejoice, the head burgermeister at McDonalds just told his manager to shove a big mac up his ass cause his friend johnny just hit the lotto, so the job is yours for the taking....provided you want to work. New unemployment rate: 3 percent. adjusted for lazy blacks and white folks who can't read -- 0 percent. "But how will businesses stay afloat if they can't keep employees?" Come on, you know very well that technology has advanced so far, we could get robots to drop our fries in grease with no problems. And for those positions robots can't handle, I bring you number.....
3) Illegal immigration -- Yet another paradox George just can't seem to solve. I have your fix. To all those illegal mexican tards who want to move to Texas and work for 25 cents an hour, I say "COME ON OVER, WE'RE HAVING PUNCH AND PIE!" Have I lost my mind you say!? No sir. If you're sitting at home with a million bucks in your pocket, you could care less if the night sweeper at Wal Mart is pedro rodriguez or pee wee herman. You're rich, bitch! So let the fuckers come over and work -- the cheaper their wages, the less you have to spend on the products wal-mart sells. Its simple people, take an economics class and try not to get lost here. And be honest, living in a country where mexicans are our peasants is a pretty sweet gig.
There you have it. Completely idiot proof, and guaranteed to make the whole country full of rich fucks by 2010. My only concern is that people would stop playing the lottery and just wait for their handout. solution: lottery winners get to keep $5m instead of the previously stated $1m. still keeps the system working smoothly, and assures that people will still buy those tickets to keep the train rolling. And of course we'd need to keep track of who's already recieved their million. One per lifetime, try not to waste it on watermelon and handgun ammunition. Virtually no unemployment, wal-mart is happy, you're happy, I'm happy, and we can afford all the Amber Bock we want. Sleep till noon every damn day if you want. You can thank me by handing me that first million. I'd do the same for you.
User Reviews
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-21 16:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for your username. I fucking love Homestar Runner.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-19 05:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I can only hope for your sake this is a joke.
Submitted by JSultan (user info) at 2006-02-19 04:14:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this sucked.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-02-18 11:21:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WEEEEEEELL I'M A HAPPY YOGURT!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-17 20:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The ideas set forth in the post are stupid. Go back on hiatus...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-17 19:21:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
2) Unemployment
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what you fail to see, is that we are exporting jobs to India at a record pace.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-17 19:19:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Or at least they tried part 3.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-17 19:16:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They tried this in the south, but instead of using illegal immigrants they used negros.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-02-17 19:05:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually that's an awesome way to ruin the economy. You see there's this thing called inflation and when everyone is a millionaire...
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-02-17 19:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never seen 'Make everyone millionaires to end poverty' done so well.
I assume its a joke
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-17 18:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Homer: Little baby batter,
Can't control his bladder!
Burns: Mmm...Crude, but I like it. What do you say we freshen up out(?!?!?)
little drinkie poos?
Homer: Don't mind if I do.
Dancin' Homer
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A TYPO IN THE SIMPSONS QUOTES?!