Wild Bill And The Triangles Of Death (950 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.78 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2006-02-18 14:26:49 EST
I met up with a few of my good friends from high school that I hadn't seen in years last night. We ended up deciding to meet at this place called Chase Lounge, which is this club between a nail salon and a grocery store about three miles away from the middle of nowhere. We went mainly for nostalgia, as we used to go there when we were 18 and get served without question all the time. I was slightly nervous about going into this because, well, aside from drinking underage I didn't have fond memories of the place being full of friendly people. We walk through the door and see that the regulars from five years ago were still the regulars today. It was different this time, though. I think it's because everyone inside was already lit up when we got there. It was pretty packed for such a hole in the wall on a Friday as well, and it seemed like that it was going to turn out to be a great night out with some old friends.
Well, that's what I thought; until I got caught in the crosshairs of a man that I could tell was going to be trouble.
"Uh-oh, it's Wild Bill. Hey guys, whatever you do, don't look him in the eyes." A girl sitting next to us said.
Too late. I was at the end of the bar and directly in his line of sight. I didn't understand what the big deal was. This guy looks like typical white trash. Around 40 or so, he's got a denim jacket, cowboy boots, a trucker hat, and a stylishly uncombed ponytail. Okay, so he looks slightly.......scratch that......insanely drunk. He's just going to stumble over, say something racist, and be on his way.....
Wild Bill: You got something to say to me, sweet-cheeks?
Some Guy: Hey Bill, leave the guy alone for god's sake.
Wild Bill: Shut the fuck up, loser. Fucked your MOMMA.
Me: Eh.....hey. What's going on, buddy?
Wild Bill: You like karate?
Me: Huh?....yeah definitely. I was raised on Bruce Lee flicks, any type of hand-to-hand combat. I even took karate when I was a teenager.
Wild Bill: You take that tae-kwon-do shit? That ain't real karate, son, lemme tell ya.
Me: I took Kempo.
Wild Bill: I know what the fuck Kempo is. That ain't karate.
Me: Really? I'm pretty sure it is, actually.
Wild Bill: That ain't like, here's karate: it's, ninjitsu, and jujitsu, jujitsu right?..and.....and this one thing I know man, this guy from work is teachin' me like bits and pieces of it. He does moves and shit when I'm sweeping, it's some heavy shit, man. Involves triangles that EVERYBODY has. I could, I could totally kill you just by how you're standing.
Me:.......really.
Wild Bill: He said he's gonna give me lessons in his garage after work. Get this man..........get it............get it............
Me: Am I supposed to guess at something here?
Wild Bill: Free. He ain't chargin me a cent. Not a dime. I could kill you where you stand.
Me:...really.
Wild Bill: Hey, you're a good man. I can tell. You're a good kid. Tell you what; I'll see if you can get lessons with me. It's free. I could have taken you down when you shifted your weight. He's been showing me moves that....that they totally throw you out of.....your gravitational field........
He swayed back and forth for a few minutes to let me ponder the verbal ass-raping of my mind that just transpired. I was starting to get sick of having to deal with this guy's threats, but I was intrigued with where he would go with this. The question at that time was; should I let it continue, or just try and ignore him as he stands two feet away from me? I don't think ignorance would have been an option, in this case.
Me: So, tell me some more about this "triangles" martial arts you're learning about before I make a decision.
Wild Bill: First off, I'm a black belt in like, three styles. Uh........ninjitsu.......uh......these triangles, okay, there's two of them. One of them is directly in the center of your body.
Me: The fuck?
Wild Bill: I ain't done. Second triangle is where, see your feet? There's two points, then the third point is directly in front of ya. It makes like this, star thingy, and there's these movement right? Throw a punch at me.
Me: That doesn't make...
Wild Bill: Just give me a little jab, I ain't gonna hurt you, boy. Just throw out a softie for daddy to hit out of the park. (I still don't know what that means)
I give out a really slow jab towards his face, thinking he's going to go slow and explain the nonsense triangles to me. He doesn't. He grabs my forearm and throws it behind my back, then begins pulling my arm up higher to heighten the tension. Unfortunately for him, he's an idiot and left my other arm free to give him a good shot to the ribs with my elbow. He immediately let off, and started jabbering away as soon as I turned around for an explanation.
Wild Bill: You're stupid. I wasn't going to kill you, though I could have. That's a really advanced thing I was trying to show you and then I get an elbow? For showing you the truth?
Me: You weren't doing anything but a basic arm-bar behind my back, you dickhead.
Wild Bill: Can I say something? Can I talk? It's free, man. This guy is a fucking master. You see, it's about gravity. It takes into...uh..account...you see, the triangles shift when you move. Why? Because of gravity. Throw another punch at me.
Me: I'm done throwing punches. Look, I'm not interested. No offense, it's just that I'm here to see friends I haven't seen in a long time, okay?
Wild Bill: Hold on, I AIN'T DONE. You want to know more about the triangles, right? You oughta swing out with me tomorrow and see the guy. You give me your number, and we'll see if you're worthy of training with me.
Me: Worthy of training, with you?
Wild Bill: I could take you down in a heartbeat.
Me:......okay. Anyways, pretty sure I have to buy this next round. I'll see you later.
He called me a dumbass along with some other harsh words that I ignored before he continued walking aimlessly around the bar, searching for someone else to annoy to the point of anger. My friends give me the "what the hell was that" face and instantly began badgering me for details. I'm about halfway through my story when Bill starts shouting incredibly loud at this cute woman at the other side of the bar for her phone number; possibly to swing out and see the retarded version of Mr. Miyagi for all I know. This got the attention of the guy working the bar, who I think was tired of countless weekends dealing with his drunken escapades.
So, the bartender decided it was time to firmly escort Wild Bill outside. Bill doesn't like to be "touched", so he started screaming incoherently at everyone he was passing. He broke free of his grasp a few steps away from the door and went into a fighting stance, ready to charge like the proud little peacock he was. His hands held high, clenched in rage, he was going to show me, show all of us, the true power of the un-named triangle martial arts he boasted of so proudly.....
.....And that they really suck. I mean, really, really, really, suck. If you consider coughing up blood a sign of good self-defense, then you've got problems.
I didn't feel bad for him, though. That guy tried to break my right arm, my fucking piece de resistance of my body, man. He'll be back next week anyways, and thanks to his daily coke/alcohol habit, he won't remember a godamn thing. He'll eventually get banned from that specific bar and go to a new one to harass a fresh audience until they tire of him as well. It will be a vicious cycle until he turns 55 and realizes he's friendless and alone in a town of faces he's known forever, which will force him to buy a boat, name it "Knot-E-Nuff", and try to sail around the world.
I'm serious!
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-28 13:15:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You like Skindred? redskieslookfake.at.hotmail.co.uk We should talk music some time as you clearly have damn good musical taste.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-28 09:55:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83507
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This was a good post - now go read my post about my musical obsessions.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-02-20 09:40:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was going to end in a homoerotic fashion. He's just a lonely cowboy. I reckon a ride on the baloney pony would turn Wild Bill's frown upside down. Wait, I've seen that porno. "Wild Bill's Hick-Cock." Giddyup!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-02-20 00:23:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good holiday fun for the whole family.
I dug it.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-02-19 20:40:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clearly, he isn't aware of the GLALL we all know and love, or he wouldn't have dared challenge you to a ninja-duel.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-19 18:04:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS is a post, and deserves far more reviews. Click through most heated and tell me anything on there is even worth reading. I'd hate to know the average I.Q. here.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-19 17:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha Ha HA!
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-19 01:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wild Bill: First off, I'm a black belt in like, three styles. Uh........ninjitsu.......uh......these triangles, okay, there's two of them.
/ha.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-02-18 23:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have kicked him in the ass at least. I hate drunken rambler's at the bar.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-02-18 23:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate to say it, but he acttually was talking about an actual ninjutsu principle. That's not to say that he was any less of a drunken dumbass, or that he had an actual grasp of the concept, but...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-18 20:07:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-18 14:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe.
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-02-18 14:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I understand, and I respect your decision not to hurt the guy.......but drunk psuedo martial artist with pony tails subconsciously want ass whippings.
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2006-02-18 14:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you should've poked him in the eye. Mad triangular skills..
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-02-18 14:43:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
uh, but that's not what happened. This isn't for the sake of writing, that's how it went down. I didn't want to bust the guy's head open or anything.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-18 14:42:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i met a guy like that at the Cat's Eye Pub in Baltimore, first he went on about his wicked martial arts training, said he would train me, said he would kick my ass, then offered me a candy cane (WTF?!)
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-02-18 14:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I woulda given you a +2 if after the elbow you spun grabbed his pony tail and slammed the back of his head into the floor.