A Temporary Change of Pace for a Certified Zombie Hunter (1556 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: zombie
Rating: 2 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-02-20 05:42:28 EST
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82578
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82892
Part 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82945
Part 4: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82996
Part 5: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83134
Part 6: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83196
Part 7: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83306
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WARNING: CONTAINS NO ZOMBIES - More of an Intermission
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My friend that I never knew I had, called Darren and I was walking across the moors. A typical mist was hanging, blocking almost everything from view except for the space in front of our feet. I could only just make out the familiar unknown shape of Darren about three feet to my left.
This was a fucking stupid idea.
"What are we doing?" I asked Darren.
"Walking." Was his simple response.
"Why?"
"You said your car was in the garage." He answered simply.
"Where are we going?"
"Across the moors." The second he said it a light flicked on in my brain.
"But the village doesn't have any moors."
"I know." This didn't seem to bother him.
"So why are we walking?" I repeated, hoping to get a better explanation. There was a strangely satisfying squelch underfoot from the grass that was now damp and deeper than it had been.
"We got drunk and thought it would be funny."
"What would?"
"Walking across the moors."
"Is it?" I was getting more confused by the minute.
"I think so." He said. "But then again I guess I don't really count."
"Why not?" There was no response. "Why don't you count?" I called to him a few more times, but he continued to ignore me. I turned to look at him, just as he walked through an excessively thick piece of fog.
Now Darren was completely clouded from sight, except he wasn't. He wasn't actually there. I began to question whether he was ever there, and decided to follow in the direction he had gone to put my mind at rest.
I pressed through the thicker fog, which felt more like syrup, as I forced my way through it, pulling holes in it. The squelch disappeared, fading away behind me into the thinner, safer fog.
Instead it was replaced with a slightly more familiar tap. I looked down, but I was unable to see my feet, nor my hands, or even my shoulders. There was nothing but a grey mist hanging all around me, encompassing my whole body.
I finally broke through the cloud and found myself in the car park at work. But my building next to the car park was missing. Instead it was replaced with a massive whale.
Not being the marine biologist I never aspired to be, I have no idea what kind of whale it was, except a fucking huge one. And nor could I reasonably explain why it was sat in the car park where my office should be.
Sat at the head of whale was a man, looking as confused as I was, but also quite agitated.
I approached the man, hopefully to get some sort of sense regarding the situation.
"Excuse me." He looked around at me. "Is this your whale?"
"Eventually." He said, and turned back to the whale.
"Well, is there any chance you could move it? I think it's sat on my office and I've got a deadline due."
"What do you think I'm trying to do?" He nearly spat the words at me, making me feel like an idiot. I suppose it was unreasonable of me to expect this man to move the whale on his own. Maybe if I helped.
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No."
"You sure? If you get the head and I get the tail, maybe we could..."
"No. It can't be by force. It must go onto the ark by its own accord."
"Ark?"
"Yes. God has requested I get two of every..."
"I know the story." I interrupted. "But surely a whale would be safe from a flood?"
"Flood? Son, the days of the flood are long gone. I need to get this whale into the Water Ark."
"Water Ark?"
"There's a drought coming. I need to save two of every sea animal. But the whale refuses to leave."
"Why?"
"It won't leave its lover to die."
"Why can't you just take its lover with you? I mean, you need two."
"Sea animals only. The whale's in love with a pheasant."
"Pheasant..." I thought about this for a few moments. Then I realised it made perfect sense and wished the man luck and moved on. As I walked past the whale I whisper for it to stand its ground against the biblical oppressors.
When I got to the other side of the car park I carried on walking through the trees that were never there. The trees were thicker than I never remembered, which caused less of a problem than I first assumed.
About half way through the spontaneous forest, I felt a small stone hit me in the chest. It wasn't big enough, nor powerful enough to move me, just enough for me to feel.
At first I was a bit concerned that the stone didn't pass right through me, but that never happened, so I let it slide, turning my attention instead to the source of the attack.
Sat on a branch, about half way up a tree in front of me was sat the unmistakable figure of the Big Bopper. In one hand was holding a small pile of stones, in the other he had a large slice of bread.
"You're dead." I tilted my head, but suddenly felt like a pigeon, so tilted it back again.
"No I'm not." Said the Big Bopper, in the unmistakable voice of the Big Bopper. "I'm feeding the ducks. Leave. You're scaring them."
"You died in a plane crash. About forty-five years ago." I couldn't help it, my head tilted again.
"If I died, then so did you." He threw another stone at me, which hit me square in the chest again. This was followed by him poking his tongue out at me.
"I'm not dead. I'm walking on the moors. And helping Noah."
"Noah doesn't need help. I already helped him with the salmon."
"No it was a whale."
"That whale." The Big Bopper made a tut'ing noise, accompanied by a shaking of the head, followed by a hearty laugh. It felt good to hear him laugh again, after never hearing it before. And I told him so. "Very kind of you to say. Now go away. I'm feeding the ducks."
He tore off a piece of bread and threw it into the air. The tear of crust flew high, way above all the treetops. Seconds later the whole world went dark as a shadow of a duck the size of an airplane flew overheard and caught the piece of bread that was miniscule by comparison.
As quickly as it appeared, it disappeared again.
"You should get back to the fire." The Big Bopper said, watching the direction that the duck had flown into. "Otherwise it will be far, far too late for you."
"What do you mean?"
The only response I got was another rock in the same spot as the other two. Not risking any more rocks that might go a bit further south, I carried on in the woods.
Eventually it broke into a clearing at night.
In the middle of the clearing was a wide open fire. Sat around the fire were more familiar faces, and one strange one. It took more than a moment for me to register the fact that it was actually mine.
Feeling like a dumb-ass for not recognising myself, I stepped forward carefully, not wanting to disrupt me, or get burnt in the fire.
The faces around the fire were those that I was closest too or had grown closest too since Andy and I arrived at Jo's university housing a few weeks earlier. These were, as far as I was aware, the only friends I had left in the world, due to the disease that was plaguing the rest, turning them into dead creatures that still walked.
Every face was in the same state, all seeming to be in a deep sleep or meditation. But there had been no time for extra sleep since my arrival. All available time had been spent securing and protecting ourselves against the hordes that had formed outside. The number had easily spread into the hundreds.
Why the hell would everyone be asleep in the middle of the woods?
"They aren't asleep." Came a strange answer to my question from the shadows behind my other self. I waited for a person to step forward into the light, but there was no movement.
"So what are they doing?" I began to move around the circle of people towards the source of the voice.
"Nothing." The voice seemed to be moving around the circle as well, always keeping on the opposite side of it from me. "They aren't here. Just like you aren't."
"Of course I'm here." I said. "I'm here twice. Can't really get much more here if you tried."
"Both sides of your conscious are here." The voice sounded familiar, but I didn't have a clue from where. "But you yourself aren't."
"What the hell are you on about?"
"I hate to say it, but soon enough you are going to wake up to find out. Remember these faces."
"Of course I'll remember them." I looked from Jo, to Andy, to Julie, to Greg and all around the circle of people who I knew and loved in various ways. There was no way I could forget them. "Why?"
There was no answer. I was quite pissed off at this.
Then there was a movement in the direction that the voice had come from. Out of the shadows leapt a small creature, which broke into the light of the fire to show that it was in fact Kaptain Kitten (I really needed to settle on a new name for him). He just looked up at me, carefully, just staring at me square in the eyes through the flickering flames.
Then without warning he took another great leap and landed directly in the centre of the fire. This seemed fine to both of me's, and neither of us made any attempt to catch him or stop him.
The instant his body hit the centre of the fire, the flames grew and then erupted. Then everything turned to a murky brown, and I felt myself getting pulled forward by some invisible force. I was getting sucked back into my body.
Then I woke up in the room that Jo and I shared at the university housing that had become to safe house for more than forty other people. Next to me, the bed was empty.
From somewhere in the building I heard screaming.
Lots of screaming.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-02 06:58:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-02-20 15:28:06 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like you stumbled into the improbability drive.
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Exactly
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-21 23:29:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoops.
Thought I rated.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-21 01:04:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies or no zombies: still hilarious.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by a_palindrome (user info) at 2006-02-23 18:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The trees were thicker than I never remembered, which caused less of a problem than I first assumed."
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*hides eyes*
*peeks through fingers*
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-22 00:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than Buffy.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-21 17:43:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
zoom zoom zoom! heeyuh, heeyuh, yeah! zoom ZOOM zoom!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-21 05:39:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2006-02-20 19:08:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone has been getting pissed and dreaming again haven't they?
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I haven't been pissed for hours!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-02-21 00:40:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Moors.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2006-02-20 19:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone has been getting pissed and dreaming again haven't they?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-02-20 16:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-20 14:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-20 11:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-02-20 10:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like you stumbled into the improbability drive.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-02-20 09:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-02-20 09:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason I've not read any of this series before.
I think I need to remedy that right now.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-20 09:25:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 05:51:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Douglas Adams. I know that's a terrible thing to level at a man, but this had the same clever use of language. You better write a great ending for this series or I shall nod sagely and point out that while Adams wrote great beginnings, lovely witty phrases and had superb surreal moments, he couldn't write an ending worth a shit.
Also - DON'T DIE IN THE BATH.
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yes.
i read this and thought
1)"Listen, three eyes, don't you try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal."
and
2)"A learning experience is one of those things that says, 'You know that thing you just did? Don't do that.'"
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-20 09:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-02-20 08:55:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not sure how to rate this... really it's subpar for you, but it's better than 99% of the tripe on Uber.
+2 I guess.
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It was a very different direction for the whole thing, but I wanted a good push into the next lot. It's got a lot of back references into it in a half stupid, half obvious way
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-02-20 08:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not sure how to rate this... really it's subpar for you, but it's better than 99% of the tripe on Uber.
+2 I guess.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-20 07:06:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet. i like douglas adams too.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 07:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83934
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Shameless linkwhoring by me. All this talk about the pulling power of various mythical kings has got me thinking.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Memories of when that line use to work are sweet....
Then Satan himself brought on my growth spurt and the rest is poor-man celebate history
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:30:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Image did an awesome one-shot comic called Zombie King. Not quite sure how it was the king, as it basically involved a zombie screwing the shit out of a cow. Still pretty cool
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Point proven. There's no way he's going to get a regular lady, and who wants a zombie lass? Beastiality is where it's at for the King of the Zombies. I bet even that short dicked King of the Dwarves gets laid. "Yes, I do own ALL of the world's gold and gem mines. Why? Is that more likely to make you sleep with someone who, although short, is mighty in girth?"
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read this-- I was too busy listening to Captain Thorn's Shenanigan Pie.
I'll read it later. Here's a +2 'cause I know it's worth it.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
King of the giants too. Everyone looks up to him.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Image did an awesome one-shot comic called Zombie King. Not quite sure how it was the king, as it basically involved a zombie screwing the shit out of a cow. Still pretty cool
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There must be a king of the zombies. And that dude is ONE PISSED OFF BLOKE. I mean think about.
King of the vampires - excellent - children of the night, cool accent, nice residences, catch phrases etc.
King of the werewolves - so there's the multiple nipples thing and fleas, but generally you can move quickly, bite stuff, and are all but immortal - excellent. Plus when the moon isn't in the sky you are just a man, but a man who is supremely strong etc.
King of the elves - although your reputation has taken a bit of a knock after the homo-erotic films that are Lord of the Rings - you still probably have some special powers, magic rings and whatnot. All good for the elvish.
King of the dwarves - where there's muck there's brass. Sure you get all the shorty jokes, but you have an axe and a reputation for being hardworking and tough. You can coast a lot on a reputation like that.
King of the zombies - it's not like his zombie servants are gonna be able to polish stuff properly, cook, let alone have a decent conversation with you.
"How's the weather?"
"braaaaiiinnns"
"Right - anything good at the cinema?"
"braaaainnnssssses"
"yes - you said, still fascinating, fucking hell, Count von Drac doesn't have this hassle. He goes to dinner parties and everything, all we do is dress like Dexy's Midnight Runners and act all confused whenever someone closes a door on us. And heaven forbid the hero has any sort of weapon - we drop like bloody monkeys. I thought being undead was supposed to have some advantages other than comedic?"
"urgghhhhhhhhh "
"don't say brains you smelly bastard - your arm has fallen off too!"
"braaainnns"
"damn it - go fuck off - king of the zombies my ass"
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now I'm scared to have a bath (any excuse)!
When phuzzy and hairycoo complain about the smell on the plane, I know who to direct them to.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When White Rabbit hits its crescendo, she's gonna throw the stereo into the bath with you.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:00:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-20 05:55:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 05:51:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Douglas Adams. I know that's a terrible thing to level at a man, but this had the same clever use of language. You better write a great ending for this series or I shall nod sagely and point out that while Adams wrote great beginnings, lovely witty phrases and had superb surreal moments, he couldn't write an ending worth a shit.
Also - DON'T DIE IN THE BATH.
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Luckily dying in the bath is after finishing my series on my to do list
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Good.
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My girlfriend doesn't think so. I think she assumes I have a will and her name features
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:00:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-20 05:55:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 05:51:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Douglas Adams. I know that's a terrible thing to level at a man, but this had the same clever use of language. You better write a great ending for this series or I shall nod sagely and point out that while Adams wrote great beginnings, lovely witty phrases and had superb surreal moments, he couldn't write an ending worth a shit.
Also - DON'T DIE IN THE BATH.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Luckily dying in the bath is after finishing my series on my to do list
---
Good.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-20 06:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got a lot of Adams from that too.
Might have something to do with the random whale...
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-20 05:55:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 05:51:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Douglas Adams. I know that's a terrible thing to level at a man, but this had the same clever use of language. You better write a great ending for this series or I shall nod sagely and point out that while Adams wrote great beginnings, lovely witty phrases and had superb surreal moments, he couldn't write an ending worth a shit.
Also - DON'T DIE IN THE BATH.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Luckily dying in the bath is after finishing my series on my to do list
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-20 05:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Douglas Adams. I know that's a terrible thing to level at a man, but this had the same clever use of language. You better write a great ending for this series or I shall nod sagely and point out that while Adams wrote great beginnings, lovely witty phrases and had superb surreal moments, he couldn't write an ending worth a shit.
Also - DON'T DIE IN THE BATH.