How Having A Constanza Sized Wallet, Literally Saved My Ass... (891 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.89 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S R (View user info) at 2006-02-20 10:36:58 EST
Now this tale is not for the faint of heart. This may make you feel a little uneasy and I will broach a subject that may not be your cup of tea. So if you have a weak stomach please click away now.
This past weekend, I went with my good friend Frenchie (we call him Frenchie because he is the only French guy in West-End Montreal, okay not the only one but the only one that probably hangs out with good ol' English folk like me) to a hockey tournament in the heart of Quebec. Up by Lac St -Jean a little town called St. Felicien. Frenchie was happy because now I was out of my element. No, this is not important to the story but I just wanted let you all know that I have a friend that I degrade by calling Frenchie everyday.
Anyway, the hockey was fine not great, but I love the town. I may move out there a raise a family one day. Find a nice French speaking woman and say 'You are the one, bear me many children.' I could probably be the local English teacher or something.
I'm really getting off track now. On to Saturday we played in the morning and since we won we weren't going to play until Sunday at noon. This was great because it gave us the full day to rest and all night to drink. During Saturday afternoon we drank some Cheval Blanche beer (Caul, did I get that right?) ordered pizza and watched some Olympics before setting out for some St. Felicien nighttime fun.
At 10pm we hit the bar that was sponsoring the team that I was playing on and I got my 'Grande Cinquante' or 'Big 50' and was happier than a teenager sneaking into a McDonald's Ball-room pegging three year olds in the head. I'm there with Frenchie, our goalie and his girlfriend just enjoying the sights and by sights I mean Lac St. Jean Women (some of the finest around).
Around 10:30pm, it hit me.
*Grumble Grumble*
I start thinking that maybe I shouldn't have had those hot peppers on that pizza.
*Grumble Grumble......Clench*
It was coming, I don't know if it was the 6 Cheval Blanche's I had, the 5 slices of Pepperoni, Bacon, and Hot peppers Pizza or half of the Big 50 I just drank or most probably the combination of all three but like I said, it was coming.
I be-line it for the bathroom, I hate taking dumps in public places, especially bars, but there wasn't a choice in the matter. I figured it was still early enough that the toilet wouldn't have piss all over it yet.
I got lucky because the stall I chose (I didn't have time pick the best of the three) was still in top shape. Just like a time bomb my ass exploded on cue. I'm not going lie to you Uber, it was messy. I know this isn't dinnertime conversation but I know there are a couple of you who are nodding as you read understanding my plight at the moment. It was one of those with a solid bowl echo, definitely some splatter and probably after this no one will come into this stall for the rest of the night, even for a stand up piss.
After finally relieving myself of the ghastly beast that harboured itself within me. It was time to rid my body of any remnants that it was ever there, and let me tell you there were remnants.
See usually I check prior to sitting down for TP supply, but because of the duress I was under, it really wasn't my top priority, in retrospect it should have been. It was empty.
I turn frantically to my right; to my left I look anywhere I could, without standing up (standing up would be a bad idea). I was so frazzled I couldn't even think of the words in French to ask for Toilet paper from the next stall from someone on the outside. I tried ripping the industrial cardboard roll that lay empty in the dispenser, but my arm just couldn't get enough leverage to get at it.
When I turned around again for the twelve time in search that maybe a magical roll of TP would appear on the top of the toilet, that's when it hit me. It literally hit me, on the side of my leg. My oversized, useless business card, cashless, club card carrying, receipt filled Constanza wallet.
I never knew why I hoarded all these things, would I ever need to know that I bought a case of 24 beers and chips ever again? Do I really care that I met some guy Gord Murphy at an Airport bar 6 months ago? And why do I have a business card for a taxi company from Prince Edward Island?
The answer was clear, so I could wipe my ass. I needed all three of those plus the 4 losing lotto tickets from the 42 million dollar jackpot and my business card (why do I have my own business card). My piece de resistance was the grocery bill I kept from a month ago. It was long enough I could split it up in three solid pieces.
It was funny because as I was finally able to pull up my pants without fear of leaving my mark on them, I thought of you Uber and how much I wanted to share my ass wiping story with you...
User Reviews
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-12 12:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*DING DING DING*
Ess-arr guessed right! The answer I was looking for was Beowolf! Though you BARELY get this prize by the skin of your teeth and the fact that I feel nice.
You win our fabulous prize of a worthless +2!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-02-22 11:44:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaah, home sweet Lac St-Jean...I went to college in St-Félicien. Except for the zoo, it's not a very fun town. Dolbeau, which is 20 minutes away from it, is much better.
The rate of hot women in these isolated regions (especially Saguenay) is ridiculously high.
Thank God we have a shitty climate to keep foreigners away :-)
It's Cheval Blanc...unless your horse is a cross dresser.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-02-21 03:12:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah! I'm glad I caught this.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:46:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am sickened, yet amused...
Worse I've ever seen, though, was a guy use his own socks, then walk around without socks the rest of the night...
Submitted by Amorphous (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:17:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DERP UNEASY
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-20 17:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
guess those lottery tickets paid off after all
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-20 15:58:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a shitload of receipts in my wallet like that, most of which tell me I spent $2.05 on an unnamed item in February last year or something.
Thanks to this story I am not going to clean it out like I planned.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-20 14:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submit to: Poopreport.com
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-20 14:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-02-20 11:54:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
MUNKEY! I've missed you!
Me too.
Great post.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-20 12:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for thinking of us.
I, for one, am honoured.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-02-20 11:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MUNKEY! I've missed you!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-02-20 11:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-02-20 11:36:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least you didn't have to rip the sleeves off of your shirt...or go sock-less for the rest of the night.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2006-02-20 11:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My life seems a little bit better after reading this.
Submitted by claymation_dude (user info) at 2006-02-20 11:20:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That story was sooo erotic.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-02-20 11:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
business card ass wipe = auto +2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-20 11:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff,guy.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-02-20 11:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-20 10:56:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious episode...Cos-STAN-za.
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thanks, close enough...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-20 10:57:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your ass will be less lopsided when sitting down now too.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-20 10:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yes, toilet humour, my favourite. Auto plus 2.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-20 10:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious episode...Cos-STAN-za.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-20 10:44:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In case you ever run into this problem again....
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82196