Losing my Virginity: The Fall of Righty (7772 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.81 on 184 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wardy (View user info) at 2006-02-20 22:28:48 EST
Losing your virginity is generally not easy. Of course in such hyperbolic statements, there are going to be obvious exceptions. Those that are raped, molested or consider animal sex as losing your virginity, said persons in almost all cases needn't worry about the sometimes all too apparent facts: humans should not reproduce. And more importantly, are biologically programmed to do so. So while the former suggests some sort of conscious ability to reject the latter, it is quite apparent by the booming population who is the undefeated champion.
My story is one of trial and error, of success and rejection, of glory and ignominy. I must warn you that it is generic in nature, and most of the following is a complete fabrication and glorification of the actual events that may or may not have yet occurred. At no point should the audience, unless they feel overly compelled to, nominate me for any awards, both foreign and domestic, glamorous and parodic. I will, however, accept cash donations.
We open our adventure with my brilliant discovery of my own sexual grandeur, my pride and joy - my Jimminy Pepperwinkle. I was about twelve years old and was sitting around the family room with my brothers. We were watching some television program that has no major significance, when all of a sudden a certain rigidity arose from my loins.
Of course, being the morbid bastard child that I am, I pinched my arm to make sure that I hadn't died and rigor mortis was setting in. Of course I was not dead, and for some reason I had a craving for a belt around my neck and a good lashing. I quickly jumped over the couch, and did a sort of hunched over, ostrich-like walk in a feeble, but most likely unsuccessful, attempt to disguise my protruding special area.
I quickly raced up the stairs, taking them three at a time. Of course, taking three at a time is really fast and all, but all the speed and grace in the world won't make three go into fourteen without a remainder, and I slammed face-first into the wall at the top of the stairs.
Brain: Holy shit! What the fuck was that?
Eyes: The wall. Nice math.
Brain: Hey, hey... hey... don't blame me.
Eyes: Well then who...
Legs: Sorry guys, got a little carried away on that one...
Brain: It's okay, system check, everyone okay?
Eyes: I don't see any blood.
Legs: I think I can stand up... yeah, I think we're fine... whew...
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Uh guys... I think I'm broken...
Eyes: What the... who?
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: It's me, down here, right below Waist.
Brain: Oooo... soo nice of you to show up. It's only been twelve years...
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Hey now, don't blame me, blame God for that one.
God: Shut the fuck up or I'll smite your heathen ass.
Brain: Sorry God.
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Fuck that, I do what I want.
Well after about a minute of standing there being pissed at myself for running into a wall, I remembered why I'd left the couch in the first place. I walked down the hall to the bathroom and discovered something so awesome that I faked being sick the next day and did it five more times.
A few years passed, and the tug of war between my right hand and Jimminy continued on a regular basis, having complete disregard for holidays and public restrooms, that is, of course until Monica Delarose entered the picture.
It was the summer between our sophomore and junior year of high school and we met while working at a charity 5k run put on our school's student government.* Monica and I had been assigned to handing out t-shirts to the runner's. It was a beautiful summer day, and the sun made her short brown hair glisten. She had a gorgeous smile and stood barely above my shoulders. She loved to wear old college sweatshirts and ripped jeans that showed off subtle hints of what lay beneath.
Monica and I both ran track, but I had never much socialized with any of the girls on the team save a few of my close friends from earlier years; I definitely hadn't had the courage to talk to her.
Monica: Hey Wardy, how's it going?
Brain: Holy shit.
Eyes: Holy shit is right, are you seeing that cloud? It's like a fucking bear or something...
Ears: Hey dickhead! She! The girl! Look at her, she's talking to us!
Jimminy Pepperwinkle (yawns): Eh... did someone say my name?
Brain: Fuck...
Eyes: Way to go, Ears...
Legs: Should I run?
Brain: No, no I can win this time...
Mouth: Hahahaha...
Monica: Um... why are you laughing?
Brain: Shit.
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Oo! Tell her you wanna be on her!
Ears: Legs, get the fuck outta there!
Eyes: I've got two exits! Over the table and through the parking lot or there's a tree above us but I don't think hiding up there is going to fool anyone.
Legs: Brain, you hearing this?
Mouth: I wanna...
Brain: MOUTH NO! Tell her you wanna tell her a funny story! MOUTH!
Mouth: I wanna tell you a funny story...
Monica: Umm... oh, haha... okay...
What ensued was a really good story in my mind and a truly awful execution, mostly due to it being split up by awkward pauses where I found myself wondering what the hell I should say next. Fortunately, it somehow worked. That, or something along the lines of sun poisoning somehow led her brain to convince her that dinner and a night with my friends was a good idea.
The next few months up until the end of the first semester were awesome. I hadn't really dated a girl up until this point, and man was I pissed off that I hadn't. Not only does your own self esteem go up when you date someone in high school, but for some unexplained reason your social status goes through the roof. I was riding high, on top of the clouds, kissing the moon - and all that other stuff that poets and romantics gush over.
I was the man. Not that all the ass-grabbing didn't help. And the boobs. Boobs are nice.
Unfortunately, as is the case in most generic, formulaic, and otherwise unimportant stories, I was met head on with a case of divided loyalties, or better put, conflict. It happened about a month before our junior prom. Monica and I were going together, and judging by my batting average of getting blown, it was an unspoken certainty that I was going to, we were going to do the thing come prom night. As fate would have it, one month to the day before prom I was standing in front of a urinal relieving myself. It was during classes, so I was all alone, and well - I don't do well when I'm alone.
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: One month! Oh glorious one month!
Jealous are ye who recognize
Sweet sacrilegious
Takes a dip in the belly pond!
One month!...
Waist: Goddammit, shut the fuck up...
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Hey now, I can't help it if I like to sing when I pee. Wooo doop dee....
Eyes: Is anyone else seeing this? Apparently we can have a good time if we just call 555-...
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Hey Righty, you jealous yet??
Right hand: I oughta squeeze your fucking head off...
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Haha... how long has it been? You were sooo in love... fag... Ah Jesus!!! STOP WITH THE SHAKING HELP!!
Right Hand: Take that, bitch.
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Oh not cool man, seriously, not cool. Brain, c'mon, tell him...
Brain: Well...
Right Hand: Ha! Knew it. Go fuck yourself with an apricot, Jimminy...
Eyes: Did you know Mr. Michaels eats his own underwear... why would he write that here...
Legs: Can I go?
Brain: No, not yet Legs. Look guys, we've got to come to some sort of truce. Obviously Righty feels a little hurt over his lack of importance over the last few months, and in all honesty I can't find anyone in the history of anything I've studied that is more calamitous and contemptible than Jimminy, save perhaps Ryan Seacrest that son of a bitch. Regardless, as far as my studies can conclude, we need Jimminy in order to fulfill some sort of biological programming that I can't override...
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Haha! Suck on that—AHHH FUCK SHIT ASS WH...
Brain: Righty, knock it off!
Right Hand: Sorry Brain...
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: God almighty! You nearly squeezed my head off! Next time we're here I'm gonna piss so hard it shoots back and gets all over you. Good luck getting that shit off... I think I'm broken...
Brain: The two of you! Knock it off! Look, we're setting a truce right here and right now. As long as this Monica is still in the picture, it is all in our best interests to work together. Deal?
Right Hand: Sure...
Brain: Jimminy?
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Fine, but don't think I won't forget today, Righty. Sleep well knowing that one day I'm gonna rain piss down on you like the day's of Noah...
Brain: Shut up, moron. Okay, we're at a deal. Legs, get us the fuck out of here.
Legs: Righto, boss. Peace bitches.
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Hey! Righty! Zip up, it's a little breezy up in here!
Right hand: Haha, enjoy the walk, bitch.
Whew, that was close. I somehow managed to avert total disaster and was back again on easy street. Monica talked every day about how great prom was going to be, and while a part of me wanted to listen, a big part of me wanted to take a dip in her belly pool? What... what the fuck does that even mean? Whatever, time flew by, and I'll give you the basic night leading up to the climax: We met at a friend's house, parent's took pictures, we got in a limo, went to the banquet hall, ate, danced, drank in the bathrooms, danced, drank in the bathrooms, danced, went to the bathrooms, saw three cops talking to a visibly drunk kid in hand cuffs, left bathroom, danced nervously, left for the after-party.
The after-party was at my good friend Jon's house. The house, nothing short of spectacular, sat atop a hill with about a half mile driveway leading up to it. Inside it was furnished with whatever was fashionable for that year, this particular year it happened to be rooms that were painted single colors, marble floors, and stainless steel kitchens. His mom had the place remodeled about once every other year. They also had a pool, hot tub, and taco dip. I fucking love taco dip. I think his dad was in currencies - or something else that I don't understand.
By the time Monica and I arrived, there were some fifty or so people spread out around the house. Jon's parents were collecting everybody's keys, so everyone was pretty much out of it as well. Monica and I had no problem slipping off into one of the guest rooms.
With the lights off, we fumbled our way over to the bed. Along the way we kissed, nervously and franticly pulling off each other's clothes. Monica fell onto the bed and pulled me on top of her. Sweet sassy mollassy...
Monica: So (kiss kiss blah blah kiss kis) I think tonight...
Me: I'm listening...
Monica: Don't make me say it (kiss kiss ear thing that feels good kiss kiss)... I feel dirty if I say it...
Me: Is it wrong that that turns me on?...
Monica (laughing nervously): Umm... not as much that your butt hair makes me get butterflies...
Me: What the?
Monica (laughing louder): Just kidding!
And this is where things get ugly. Now before losing your virginity, all sorts of things race through your mind. I would compare it a lot to your life flashing before your eyes just before you die. As the Pomp and Circumstance is playing in your head, you realize how much chaos and completely moronic behavior has somehow led up to the event at hand. This coupled with all the horror stories people share about the whole act in itself, leads me to believe the last memory I want to have in my head about this defining night, is the memory of my butt hair. But there it is, in all it's awesomeness. Now, let us continue. We are somewhere past naked, but not quite to penetration. There's a slight tug-of-war of nerves going on between the two of us, or better put, it's tough to find a condom in the dark.
Eyes: I can't see shit! Can someone please tell me why the lights are off?
Ears: I think I heard something about butt hair, that might have something to do with it...
Butt: Hey moron, I'm not going to be off tempting any more Jimminy Pepperwinkle's to join the parade, so you can go fuck yourself.
Brain: Everyone, please. We need to find the prophylactics.
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Plural? Sweet...
Right Hand: Shut up. Five times. One day. I fucking murdered you back in the day. Remember the hand soap?
Brain: That was my fault, Righty, don't take credit. And he didn't shut up for like three days, so let's not bring it up again.
Left Hand: Got it!
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Ohhh! So you do serve a purpose! Congratulations!
Left Hand: Anyone else up for finding a needle?
Brain: Lefty, that's hardly in any of our best interests. Open it up. Eyes, can you find your way back to the bed?
Eyes: Do squirrels like nuts?
Brain: Wow...
Eyes: Got it, two seconds to...
Legs: AHHHHH!!!
Brain: Holy shit! What is going on?
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Oww... I think I'm broken...
Monica: Oh my God! Are you okay?
Me: Uh... heh... yeah. Stupid thing.
Monica: What did you trip on?
Me: The... uh... floor.
Monica: Nice work. Did you... um... find it?
Me: Right here. Somebody's a little anxious.
Monica: Who me? Nooo...
Brain: Okay, we've got a systems go. Eyes, lead the way.
Eyes: Okay, we've got some sort of 'Tear here' hash, so Righty, erm.. tear there.
Right Hand: Got it. Ooo.. it's slimy!
Left Hand: Wow! Let me feel!
Brain: Hey!
Legs: Oh can I feel??
Brain: Hey! Pull yourself together! Jimminy, as much as I hate to ask this, all systems go?
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Ehh... I think I... umm... was damaged in the fall...
Brain: Seriously?
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: ....
Brain: Oh what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Mouth, stay on standby, keep doing whatever it is you're doing.
Eyes: He's sucking on the nipple. Or teat. I'm really not sure what to call it, I'm not the Brains of this operation.
Brain: I'm working with complete imbeciles.
Right Hand: HAHA! Jimminy's got cold feet! Cold feet!
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Shut up, Righty.
Right Hand: HA! You cold-footed mother fucker. I hope you enjoy the liberal jerking I'm going to apply tomorrow after this meltdown has run its course.
Brain: Shut up. Jimminy, you're fine. You can do this. Righty and Lefty, get the prophylactic on. Good? Pull it all the way down. Eyes, is it all the way down?
Eyes: Goddammit it's hard to see. I don't know, I can't tell! Oh God! Mayday! Mayday!
Right Hand: I think I had enough condom to roll it over a few times, we're good.
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Um guys, I hate to bring this up, but she's grabbing me and pulling me in.
Brain: Holy shit! Okay here we go boys, on the count of three we all start singing the theme song to "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
Eyes: The new version or the old one? Cause the new one is instrumental and...
Brain: One...
Right Hand: I just touched her boob!
Brain: Two...
Legs: Should I run?
Brain: Three!
Left Hand: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Butt: Turtles in a half shell,
Right Hand: TURTLE!
Left Hand: POWER!
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Oh glorious angels of heaven!!!!
Legs: They're the world's most fearsome fighting team!
Eyes: Na na na doop bop na na na oomp oomp
Brain: EYES!!! What are you doing?!? Those aren't the words!
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Holy shit this feels amazing! Must... go... faster...
Brain: Keep singing! Keep him from talking!
Right Hand: Where were we?
Left Hand: I've got her boob!
Legs: Should I run?
Butt: I think we were at "team" Oo! She just grabbed me!
Brain: We're at team! Quick, go! Turtles in a...
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: WOOOO HOOOOOO!!! Ride the grease train!! Oh my GOD!! I don't know who to thank first, my mom? No, that doesn't make sense! HA! THANK YOU BRAIN!!!! WEEEEE!!!
Mouth: Half shell and their green!
Monica: Huh?
Me: ....
Brain: Are you fucking kidding me.
Right Hand: Hey, we've stopped moving?
Left Hand: Lefty shoots! He scores another boob!
Brain: Lefty, shut up. Jimminy, what's your status?
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Fuck man, I'm tired. Get this thing off me. It's starting to tingle.
Right Hand: Wait... wait... that's it?
Brain: Mouth, standby... Jimminy, we clocked in somewhere around one minute, give or take thirty seconds.
Right Hand: Ha! Even when I beat you like school girl it lasts for at least four or five minutes!
Jimminy: Whatever man, I'm out. Peace bitches.
Legs: Should I run?
Brain: Legs stop! Wait... wait... I've... got... a plan. Butt, can you give us a stealth bomb?
Butt: Are you kidding? I've been waiting to leak one out for half an hour.
Brain: Okay, listen up everyone...
Monica: Did you just sing the theme to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Me: No, I said 'Making love is sweet.'
Monica: Wow, how romantic. Okay, let's keep going... (sniffs) do you smell that?
Me: Huh? (Pretend sniff, but nose knows better) Oh sweet God, what'd you do?
Monica: Me?!
Me: Whoever smelt it...
Monica: Oh, that's just like you.
Me: Hey, I'm just saying. I know it wasn't me, and based on your current position, and considering how tense you were for the last, what was it, ten minutes of love-making, it's no surprise one squeaked out.
Monica: Ten minutes?
Me: Look baby, I'm not mad. I'm sure you didn't even notice. Let's get dressed and go to the party. We'll come back to this later when everyone's asleep.
Monica: I guess I could have... but ten minutes?
Me: At least, maybe more. I think you passed out from pleasure. Don't worry about it, get dressed. I think I just heard Hanson, or for fuck's sake what do you like, Tim McGraw music is playing. Yeah, and Faith Twain. No. Wait, correct that, Faith Hill.
Monica: Hey! You just grabbed my boob!
Me: Heh... boobs... Wait! No! I mean, I love you.
Monica: Ohhh...
Brain: Did he just say what I think he said?
Eyes: His butt hair is glistening in the moonlight.
Ears: Yeah, I just checked the transcript. He loves you.
Valley of Perfection: Holy shit that hurt. I think I'm bleeding...
Brain: Don't worry Valley, we're gonna get you out of here.
Legs: Should I run?
Right Hand: I've got pants! I've got pants! Shit, they're his!
Eyes: I'm sorry! I can't see anything! Help! MAYDAY!!
Brain: Good God, pull it together!
God: I'm staying out of this bullshit.
Valley of Perfection: Avenge me...
Legs: I'm peacin' out of this shit in about two seconds.
Brain: No, wait! Legs, slow down. I've... got... a plan...
Monica: I love you too, baby.
And so it was, that on that fateful night a certain parody of paradoxes occurred. Monica and I dated for another year and a half, give or take, up until our departures for college. During that time I managed to give her a few nights of passion, but more often than not awkward disappointment. All in all, I wouldn't change it for the world. We ended on good terms, she was headed cross-country to Maryland, and - well I really don't need a reason. Jimminy wasn't going to put up with Righty, and quite frankly, neither was I. I'd tasted the fruit and I'd be damned if I'd have anything less.
Unfortunately, God and the powers that be were not on my side. Freshman don't get fruit for shit. Fuck, I even got yelled at for trying to take an apple out of the cafeteria! An apple! All I wanted was some goddamned fruit! Was that too much to ask? It'd been months since I'd had fruit! I just wanted the sweet ovarian nectar! Doesn't my tuition cover this? This sacred bit of human ecstasy? Are we still talking about fruit? And she didn't return calls anymore! Monica you bitch!
Oh well, I was never good at it anyways.
*Note: It was later determined that the 5k run charity group had some distant ties to some group on some government watchdog list, and it turned out our student government had donated some $18,000 dollars to what could be construed as an enemy of the state. I've always reveled in the ability to call my school an "Enemy of the State"
**On another note, I'd also like to say that I've never actually talked to God. While I'm not saying I deny his existence, I can honestly say he's never spoken a single word to me. I think it's more likely that God is a can of tuna than some supreme being that takes time to talk to humans, but if that's your dig, have at it.
User Reviews
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-02 04:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ha!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-01-29 10:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the tree in my backyard is plotting something, i know it. fuck me standing if it's another one of those damned government spies.
I SEE YOU SWAYING BUT I DON'T FEEL NO BREEZE!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-29 09:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves to be on B@W.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-01-29 09:18:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm back. HA!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
dammit.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-09-16 13:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Legs: Should I run?
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-08-29 11:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-14 19:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bump
Submitted by phels97 (user info) at 2006-07-21 09:24:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was some hilarious shit. my boss kept lookin at me cause i was laughin my ass off.
Submitted by anass (user info) at 2006-07-21 08:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have fingered her before you stuck it in so she could have been closer to orgasm. But where would we be without tales like these?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-07-21 08:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this before, didn't rate.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-21 08:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
During that time I managed to give her a few nights of passion, but more often than not awkward disappointment.
Oh I relate to that all too well
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-21 07:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If there was a +3, I would use it for this.
BEST POST EVAR.
Also, B@W!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-06-21 13:31:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
goddammit i'm awesome.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-12 08:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
blood from your eyes? good god man, i hope you're not in africa or chances are you'll be dead in 48 hours...
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-12 07:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are God. I just got a bollocking for looking at Uber but this post made me cry blood from eyes.
Seriously that was near enough every guy goes through.
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-05-12 05:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rawk!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-12 05:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fucking neighbors.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-11 15:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you know if your hand's bigger than your face, you're retarded?
*slaps hand*
OOoOoOoOOooooo SNAP!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-11 15:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm about to go nuts.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-05-10 12:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, this was fucking funny!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
who wants to write this yeats paper for me?
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to take a break from proving I AINT NO ALTER to tell you that this is the SECOND uber post I ever saw. This is still the funniest shit of all time. Way better than "cum too soon"
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-21 21:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for math skills.
Submitted by disco_brad (user info) at 2006-03-21 21:50:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the commentary of body parts
-2 for lasting a minute
+2 for admitting it
==========
all of that = +2
whoops
Submitted by disco_brad (user info) at 2006-03-21 21:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for the commentary of body parts
-2 for lasting a minute
+2 for admitting it
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-03-21 19:58:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wardy, wisco does NOT rock, it SUCKS. Hence the +2 for PITY!
Now fucking EMAIL ME with your supposed WISCO STORY that you PROMISED ME once upon a TIME or SOmethinSLKDFJSD soadfijasdpofiasdj
rockfishrock.at.rock.com
what horrific town did you grow up in?
How many Packer hats did you own?
Old Milwaukee, or Milwaukee's Best?
GOD
NOOOOOO
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-21 01:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wisco rocks. go wardy.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-03-20 19:21:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for funniness and pity because YOU ARE FROM WISCO
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-12 08:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm late, aren't I?
I missed the party, didn't I?
....
I always miss the party.
It's okay, I don't mind.. I'll just help tidy up, like always.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-12 05:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-12 05:37:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
man, i'm such a faggot... what a saturday night... whew...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-11 20:01:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
god i hate spring break...
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-03-11 19:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish my body parts talked to one another.
And that my dick was named jimminy pepperwinkle.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-11 19:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
is it wrong to buy your way onto b@w? i mean, all sexual favors aside and such, because let's be serious there are very few sexual encounters that are not stimulating in some manner or another, or else they wouldn't be sexual at all. no no, the awkwardness often comes after the gratification, whereby the female partner (at least in my case.. most of the time... fuck) is generally disatisfied with any number of things from phallic size to odors emitted. either way, i'd blow a goat to be on t.v.
i don't know where th... fuck it.
Submitted by Hexidecimal (user info) at 2006-03-11 18:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-11 17:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it all, then.
I WILL SUBMIT THIS FINE PIECE OF WORK TO BARTIMUS!
OF course, as payment, you must review 10 times on www.ubersite.com/m/44213
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-11 17:49:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
unfortunately, mr. peg, i do not know how it wasn't. maybe no one submitted it, i guess.
it's all good, i'm still sexy like a bitch with the ladies.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-11 17:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How in the jolly green FUCK did I miss this?
And how is it NOT on B@W?
Fuck, I'm saving this bitch.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-10 08:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU! YOU ARE A BAD POST!! BAD!!!!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-10 05:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck you, faggot
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-03-07 23:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you suck, you jackass!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
come on 5000 hits baby!!!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-24 09:42:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-24 03:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i agree. i mean, impressive yes. a must see? no. i think all that painting proved was how much time somebody has when they're recieving government welfare checks and living on ramen.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-02-24 02:28:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
to be honest i dont think that ms paint thing is that good. its fucking good, but not this godly fucking thing people are making it out to be on the post.
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-02-24 01:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aww, those were the days
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-02-24 01:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God: Shut the fuck up or I'll smite your heathen ass.
--------------
hahahaha... this shit is tight...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-23 20:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, my bad... i just have never had a post get 4000 hits in three days before. i just figured that meant it had gotten pretty populer. probably helps that uber's traffic is up about twenty billion hits because of that fucking mspaint shit.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-02-23 20:31:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dude, everyones got posts that should be on baw. be happy its as popular as it is without having to go on baw.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-23 20:09:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
not to sound pretentious, but why isn't this on B@W??
Submitted by FannyGrady (user info) at 2006-02-23 19:43:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2006-02-23 19:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny!
It took me 12 years and 15 seconds to lose my virginity.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-23 18:24:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-02-23 16:05:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff... a bit jonukah-ish but still a solid +2.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-23 14:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. Thank you.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-23 12:00:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
doom code -- it was parody, but thanks for the tip!
tony montana -- glad you liked it, if there's anything else i can do for you, please direct your calls to my secretary -- she might give a shit.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-02-23 11:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very, very good. almost got dragged to a 1 because the dialogue between the body parts, while great fun and interesting, dragged on a bit too much, until:
Valley of perfection: Avenge me...
quality fucking line.
ps. you suck in bed. if you cant manage 30 minutes at least, you need to jerk off more to get your game in shape.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-02-23 09:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha! I did a better job of popping my Cherry than you did and I was only 12 years old!
This was Very funny though.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-02-23 03:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
long and fucking stupid.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2006-02-22 16:12:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is absolutely beautiful.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-02-22 06:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking awesome.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-22 01:53:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that's because i'm tight.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-02-22 01:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's weird how some of the best posts take so little time to make. I STILL crack up when I read snippets from this post.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-02-22 01:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Unfortunately, God and the powers that be were not on my side. Freshman don't get fruit for shit. Fuck, I even got yelled at for trying to take an apple out of the cafeteria! An apple! All I wanted was some goddamned fruit! Was that too much to ask? It'd been months since I'd had fruit! I just wanted the sweet ovarian nectar! Doesn't my tuition cover this? This sacred bit of human ecstasy? Are we still talking about fruit? And she didn't return calls anymore! Monica you bitch!"
My tuition doesn't cover fruit either. :(
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-02-22 01:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness!
Submitted by GREEEN (user info) at 2006-02-22 00:28:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimminy: Whatever man, I'm out. Peace bitches.
Legs: Should I run?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-02-21 21:21:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
have another, bravo and shit.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-02-21 21:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Legs: Should I run?
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-21 21:19:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W indeed... don't know how i missed this
oh yeah i was off from work :) WOOt
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 21:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-02-21 20:37:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
How long did you work on this for?
---------------------------------------------
2 hours or so... didn't proofread though...
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-21 20:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
phenominal.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-02-21 20:37:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Right Hand: Shut up. Five times. One day. I fucking murdered you back in the day. Remember the hand soap?
How long did you work on this for?
I wonder to what percent of men this was story was all too familiar... God knows I'm among their ranks.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 20:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
glad i can be a creative influence.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-21 19:53:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
His butt hair is glistening in the moonlight.
-----
That's the title of my next album!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 16:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i ain't scurred...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wardy... you're now scheduled for crucifixion. bone up boy.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:45:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! Well, at least she didn't pee on you...or the bed...or your dog who was watching...
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-02-21 14:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i couldn't stop laughing at the title. i'll have to come back and read it later...i gotsta go to work. shit, i should do a post on losing my v-card. wow. you guys would weep.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-21 14:22:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 14:17:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
who's dane cook?
--------------------
BLASPHEMER!!!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 14:17:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
who's dane cook?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-21 14:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-21 14:04:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah that tmnt reference made me think of dane cook "my dick feels like corn."
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:59:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
damn you jacob...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have time to read this right now, I'll come back later I swear
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:54:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry, thats just my original account. Giving you some -2's incase they accept this as your entry.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:54:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking awsome, but this...
------------------------------------------
Mouth: Half shell and their green!
Monica: Huh?
Me: ....
Brain: Are you fucking kidding me.
------------------------------------------
...is the BEST!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:45:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about Chi_Guy
User id: 4028
Registered on or around: 2003-12-03 13:22:38
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 77
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
----------------------------
this guy knows what he's talking about.
Submitted by Chi_Guy (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:32:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Unreadable.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit that was entertaining. Good story.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i don't even remember writing that line, i had to go back and find it.
i rule.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:22:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:00:50 (#)
Ranking: -1
inion -- no conditioner. i pomade my entire ass, makes the hair stand out more and also gets me out of a jam now and again -- think greased up deaf guy.
------------
oh sweet jesus.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eyes: He's sucking on the nipple. Or teat. I'm really not sure what to call it
This was fucking excellent
Submitted by ThatOneGirl1632 (user info) at 2006-02-21 12:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality stuff, if I do say so myself...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-02-21 12:39:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
menz are silly
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-02-21 12:27:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brain: Everyone, please. We need to find the prophylactics.
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: Plural? Sweet...
----------------------------------
oh, and who could forget this gem?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 12:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i think my subconcious wrote that line just for you, zak
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAH
Valley of Perfection: Holy shit that hurt. I think I'm bleeding...
BWAHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:32:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
if this gets on bored at work, i'll throw a massive party at my place for all of uber.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
inion -- no conditioner. i pomade my entire ass, makes the hair stand out more and also gets me out of a jam now and again -- think greased up deaf guy.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:59:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, definitely should be on bored at work...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
his butt hair's glistening in the moonlight - made me wonder, what kinda conditioner do you use.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it, loved it, loved it.
Had to say it again.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:43:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God: Shut the fuck up or I'll smite your heathen ass.
Fucking excellent
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:42:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Grats on most heated, this deserves B@W
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:31:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hooray most heated!
Submitted by XoXFreaksRUsXoX (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:26:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lmao!
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-02-21 09:25:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love the switch from you to monica
grammar aside, this was great
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2006-02-21 09:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-21 08:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-02-21 08:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed my ass off all the way through this. (B@W)
Wardy ROCKS!
Spread the word.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-21 08:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lengthy, but well done.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:57:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The format was very close to wearing thin...
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:46:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:07:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good shit +1
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-21 06:24:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap, that was brilliant.
Submitted by claymation_dude (user info) at 2006-02-21 06:21:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-02-21 05:11:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well-earned +2, sir!
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-02-21 05:07:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i cheat on my girl, with my right hand. i'll never give em up.
(Jonukah may file a copyright infringement suit)
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-21 04:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(V) Thanks Bart
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-21 04:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, this was awesome. One of the few longish posts on Uber to keep me entertained all the way through.
PLUS FUCKING TWO.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-21 03:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-02-21 03:29:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the best things I've read in quite some time.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-02-21 02:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was AT LEAST seven flavors of awesome, probably more.
Seriously. This is the funniest thing I've read here in at least a month, probably more.
Submitted by DrBenway0 (user info) at 2006-02-21 02:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost gave it -1 for the hand pic...There are just way too many of those on uber...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 02:37:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
well jacob, i've just been booty called by my girlfriend. so basically, well fuck... i don't know why i am sitting here typing still. thanks for the effort to get this on most heated, it looks though it didn't work.
you're a good man, jacob. enjoy the milk while it's cold.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 02:36:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALright, I really need to get to bed. I may be a teen on break, but I still have my shitty fast food job to get to tomorrow... yay!...?
Kill me...
For the love of god kill me...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 02:31:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i like the way you think. indeed, my peyote trips are generally filled with elaborate hallucinations and time doesn't exist. however, after the last one landed me in the middle of a Khua-tuk-tuk tribal war in southern-asia, i've done my best to steer clear of that shit.
i appreciate the advice.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 02:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To offer some friendly advice, take several pieces of Peyote and wander for the next week in a desert.
That should help you come up with something, or leave you half dead and unable to enter on time.
Either way, win win.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 02:25:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've decided Whiskey, in the true spirit of the holiday, will be my muse.
Minor in possession you say? I've never worked in a mine!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 02:24:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i always thought it was about... hmm... you raise a good point. at any rate, i think drugs and/or alcohol are going to be necessary in getting the creative juices flowing for slainte. i mean, half of uber doesn't even know what it means.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 02:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least that was the explanation for it I found most believeable.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 02:20:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
David and Goliath advantage? You have a brain tumor that distorts your vision and causes an increase production of growth hormones?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 02:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
my bad, some guy was pounding on our door looking for a roomate. ah, so i am facing a high schooler, i'm not sure if this is to my advantage or not.
granted, you're younger than me by probably 4-6 years, but you hold the coveted "david and goliath" ability. i'm most likely fucked.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 01:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Been over a minute without a response... I'm disapointed wardy, very disapointed.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 01:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Close, winter break.
When all the highschools shut down, and the kiddies stay up late at night downloading por.... doing research.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 01:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha, 36 hours you say? might you be on certain prescription medications that make sleep next to impossible?
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 01:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't slept in 36 hours.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 01:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone join in.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 01:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, well lets just post meaningless ratings.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 01:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, and to whoever was saying something about most heated, i don't think this is getting rated fast enough to get it on there. my understanding is "heated" is some sort of function of hits and ratings based on time, or something like that.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 01:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i see. well i thought that it might be confusing, but then figured by the time you figured out it was her you'd be in stride with it and it'd be even funnier. i took a risk, i guess. fortunately, seems like most of the people have gotten it.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-02-21 01:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:44:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
Ahhh.... my bad, yeah i guess i can see that. i guess i don't know what to say, though. i didn't have that intention in the least.
Again, that was just my opinion. And I suppose you're right, it isn't internal monologue, it's internal dialog. It just seemed like you were trying too hard on it at points.
Then you switched to HERS. That's where it completely lost its appeal. To me anyway.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-21 00:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brain: Holy shit! Okay here we go boys, on the count of three we all start singing the theme song to "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-02-21 00:47:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was fantastic.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-02-21 00:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, if it can stay on the front page, that is...
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-21 00:37:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
meh. it'll be most heated tomorrow, i'm sure.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-02-21 00:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, you should've posted this during better hours. it'd get way more hits.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 00:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
aww are you serious julie?? hehe... just kidding...
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-02-21 00:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, I mean this +2.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-02-21 00:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"humans should not reproduce"
That earned this +2. Now I'll finish reading the rest.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 00:00:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
good luck, my good man. may the pen of (insert famous lyrsist name) be with you.
oh, and i'd show you what i've got if i had anything, but i don't. well, except for this half-eaten cheeseburger. wait, no... it's not a cheeseburger... it's... well i'm not really sure, i just found it under my desk. it looks old, a week or two, maybe... not sure where it's from... mcdonald's? probably mcdonald's... actually, i don't think it's a sandwhich anymore, it just bit me... i'm seeing spots... who teag.,,wlaffffffffffffffffff
Submitted by MetalMilitiaMan (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
kimberly -- i speak for no man. sometimes i'm not even sure if i'm a man myself, so to answer your question... well i don't think so. well not all of it. consciously, at least.
fuck, i have no idea.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, I'm heading off. I gotta actually right something.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell you what, I'll show you mine if you show me yours ;)
Submitted by kimberly (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:51:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wonder if this applies to all guys.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:51:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Ha! You wish! I would sooner stick festering amputees up my nose than reveal to you the diabolical post i've constructed to wreak havoc on you!
yeah, it'll be prose or something, i actually have no idea just yet. i need a break from writing fiction for a few hours.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucked your ex last night.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, Wardy, inquiring minds want to know: Whats you're post going to be for the contest?
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whatever, i'm going to agree with Jacobt, it was funnier. i also think the different "personas" were pretty cool. i didn't notice it that much until you said that and i read it again.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:44:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ahhh.... my bad, yeah i guess i can see that. i guess i don't know what to say, though. i didn't have that intention in the least.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, the most viewed message, "If I come now..."
Has the whole brain/computer conversation.
I thought this was funnier.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:31:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
erosion -- yeah, i didn't proofread at all. i spent a few hours just writing it, and i didn't think i'd have enough errors in it to warrant another hour of proofreading. but i'm glad you liked it.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:29:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i sound like bart? but i know nothing of computers and programming and i just told you how i lost my virginity! to quote the ticket sales guy at the circus in family guy: no no, none of this adds up at all!
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-1 for your grammar.
+3 for hilarity, and the fact that it ensued.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimminy Pepperwinkle: God almighty! You nearly squeezed my head off! Next time we're here I'm gonna piss so hard it shoots back and gets all over you. Good luck getting that shit off... I think I'm broken...
------------
i've read this twice now and sent it to a few of my friends that think it's hilarious. and one geek, i think you're wrong here.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:26:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think hes talking about the #1 MVM.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:08:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Far too much internal monologue for one story. Plus, it is a little too reminiscent of a certain MVM.
-------------------------------------
apparently i've met the literary authority of ubersite. while your statement can sometimes hold true, that there is the occasion where a story contains too much internal monologue, but this in fact is not one. an internal monologue refers to the mind, or narrator in this case, thinking out loud. It is often filled with rhetorical questions and a drawn out thought process. This piece, however, does not contain that. the "internal monologue" that you refer to is in fact nothing of the sort, but separate personas created through different parts of the body. each body part has it's own limitations and voice, and therefore there is nothing "internal" about it.
also, i'm not sure what MVM i sound like, but how do you know he/she doesn't sound like me? just because i don't post every other day... eh.. fuck it, whatever...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:08:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Far too much internal monologue for one story. Plus, it is a little too reminiscent of a certain MVM.
===
i thought this was a series.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:08:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Far too much internal monologue for one story. Plus, it is a little too reminiscent of a certain MVM.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:06:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice job, I was laughing my ass off
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, Wardy, the gauntlet has been thrown.
Wait, that doesn't work... since it was a random matchup.
Whatever, this post ruled, and what I have prepared sucks ass...
I'll just copy past whatever you post for the contest, see if anyone notices.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-20 23:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by RonArtestPunch (user info) at 2006-02-20 22:57:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-20 22:53:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Title.
Submitted by Doberish (user info) at 2006-02-20 22:52:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Warpwned.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-20 22:46:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Haha... indeed, mr. jacobt man it would be to your advantage if my post tomorrow does in fact, well how should i say this, smell of hugh grants dingleberries? but i think you can be sure that i have something up my sleeve... or was it in my pocket... fuck... well, i'll think of something, i'm sure.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-20 22:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm just hoping the rest of your posts this week suck...
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2006-02-20 22:38:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-20 22:36:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin hilarious
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-02-20 22:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bored at work... funniest shit i've read in a long time...