Johan the destroyer (921 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smooth_Shoes (View user info) at 2006-02-21 04:14:20 EST
Before starting university, I got a job in a small magazine publishing company. They released such beauties such as 'Liquid foods international', 'Cranes Today' and 'Benchmaker weekly'. I got the job with my best friend, Alex. Having your first proper job with your best mate at the age of 18 is fun to day the least. Fun turned to surreal adventure the day we met our colleague, Johan.
Johan, a colleague that has left mental scars to last a lifetime. A quiet unassuming man in his early 50's. Conservatively dressed as if hobos gave him stuff saying 'he must have it bad'. Johan, a slightly disturbed man to say the least. His monotonous voice could easily cure insomnia and his blatant disregard for diplomacy was not nearly as shocking as the fact that nobody really seemed to notice it.
On a quiet Tuesday afternoon, Alex, Johan and I were sitting around performing the same mindless tasks that we did everyday. During a conversation about something fairly normal like the weather, Johan proclaimed 'that bird from subscriptions looks like she's got downs'. Alex and I looked around mostly in disgust but slightly in intrigue. Johan just replied 'Well, she does'.
Many times, Ladies would return to the office after a period of maternity leave to show off their new offspring. After 9 months of carrying a child, countless hours of painful labour, the wrinkly mass in their arms is by far the most beautiful thing in the world. During this occasion Johan would usually prod the baby's face like playdough and state in a soft yet assertive (still ever monotonous) voice 'Your baby is ugly'. Johan would turn around, his back to the group of drop jawed women and sit down starting to read his copy of 'liquid foods international'.
Johan was never all he seemed to be. On an occasion we found a copy of his passport and saw his photo. Johan was a Don Juan of his day. It did seem that his day was a long time ago and he was losing a battle with skin elasticity and hygiene.
He seemed to perform act of strength and endurance laced with enough stupidity to kill a man. On a conversation about travel we remembered that Johan cycles to work. Come rain or shine Johan would pedal on his pre WWI bicycle to work and back, no complaints. Except on how slow people drive. We asked him which route he took, he replied 'the A40'. The A40 was as good as a motorway. We realised that there was a cycle lane running parallel to it, but it finished half way. We questioned this and johan said
'but I don't use the cyle lane'
In shock we said 'you mean you actually cycle on the main A40'
'yes' was his usual monosyllabic answer
I questioned the legality of this and started searching for my highway code book (I was due to take the thory test soon).
Alex was explaining the danger of cycling whilst hugging a 3 lane motorway.
Johan was still reading when he contested 'I think its fine, the middle lane is usually clear that time of the morning'
Knowing Johan's innate lack of humour we took this as stupidity.
'Johan, you cannot cycle in the middle the A40, even a that time'
'Then how do you expect me to overtake anyone'
We retreated in pure disbelief.
After spending a few months in the company, it was decided by management to move to a different site. The meeting may have been held under the influence of neurotoxins as the site decided upon turned out to be Southall. Management then hired a team of removal men, with no discernable talents other than lifting things and finding novel ways to use the word cunt. These men were huge, like a handful of walnuts in a condom, they bulged everywhere. It was our job to organise and pack up our department so that we could unpack it properly at the other end. The transport crates were about the size of those brown crates that bread is transported in supermarket. We stacked our publications in them carefully to the absolute maximum level. We realised this as we couldn't shift it from the floor. It was at this point that the removal men said 'we ain't lifting those cunts'. Johan sighed. Alex and I knew this was an omen.
'Look, they are not that heavy' Johan said
'I'm telling you, we ain't lifting those fuckers, someone's gonna get hurt' said the removal man, his tattoos of barnyard animals leaping from his body.
'If I can take one of those crates, on my own down from the second floor, surely you guys could do this'.
The removal guys reluctantly agreed and Johan stood up. The sight of Johan in his brown, stained corduroy trousers and a shirt of unknown (possibly previously white) colour unbuttoned to a lewd level, was not a vision people or animals wanted to see. This however was not a sight to be missed! Johan waddled over to the chunky, green crate and lifted. His groans were muffled by the cracks of his bones, which we hardly noticed as we were too busy being hypnotised by the multitude of veins popping from his forhead and neck. Then came a clean lift and jerk and johan proceeded to march down two flights of stairs, and flung the box in the car park. The removal men had already found 4 new ways to use the word cunt, including crunt (crate/cunt). As Johan slowly walked back up the stairs the removal men said nothing and started lifting the crates (2 to a crate). As they were working Johan turned to us and said 'I lifted about that much during the Swedish weightlifting finals, maybe the crate were to heavy'. He looked at the Removal men and the said 'but those cunts deserve it'. Alex and I looked at each other but said nothing, we both knew. We were in the presence of a mini-hulk.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-01-11 16:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
warrior without peer
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-04-11 12:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
welcome
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-04-11 11:46:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-03 10:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2live N00b.
well deserved.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-03 08:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still amusing.
Submitted by Drawstring (user info) at 2006-03-10 09:14:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Johan rocks
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-02 03:52:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forgot to rate!
Johan was unforgettale!
Submitted by Coldflame (user info) at 2006-02-28 06:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My brother's name is Johan. Anyway, loved the post, keep it up!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-28 05:14:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Post something else!!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-21 12:19:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-21 12:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another +2 for showing how a first post SHOULD be done.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:53:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-02-21 09:35:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome, well done.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-02-21 09:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the cut of your Jib boy.
Keep it up.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-21 05:55:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You do good reviews too. Hmmm. Not an alter I hope?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-21 05:33:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
First timer, eh?
Good stuff.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-21 04:57:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Johan the destroyer (7 hits)
Category: None
Rating: 2 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V) Your Labels: agoodn00b (Edit)
Bart - thank you for the (V)
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-02-21 04:34:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good first post.
Submitted by claymation_dude (user info) at 2006-02-21 04:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-21 04:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-21 04:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JOHAN - THE ADVENTURER
JOHAN - WARRIOR WITHOUT PEER