People like Darth Vader ruin poker for everyone (2388 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.95 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-02-21 07:23:21 EST
Enjoying a nice poker game at the nearest casino, which happens to be about forty miles away, when something very strange happened. The normally vibrant, loud atmosphere of the casino was replaced with silence.
The only thing that broke the silence was the familiar, regular, mechanical breathing pattern. All eyes turned towards the back of the door. I turned to look.
Marching across the floor was the large, dark figure of Darth Vader. And he was heading straight for the poker corner. I took a quick scan around the tables and realised, with dread, that our table was the only one with a space.
After the formalities, Vader sat down at the table opposite me, and someone turned the volume back up on the rest of the casino as everyone else, relieved, went back to gambling.
"I thought he was banned from all casinos." Said the man sat to my left.
"I was." Vader said in his deep voice. "I have a fake ID. If anyone asks, my name is Neil."
"Neil Vader?" I asked. He nodded gently.
"Why the fuck would we defend you?" Said the man on my left again. "You're just going to take our money!"
"You think I would cheat?"
"That's why you're banned."
"I promise I won't." There was no emotion in the voice.
"No chance. You can't resist."
"I find your lack of faith disturbing."
"Drop it." Said the man who was currently the dealer. "If it looks like you're cheating, then you're out. Agreed, Vader?"
There were a few moments of tense silence, until finally Vader just gave a slight nod again.
---
I felt bad for Vader, as he was obviously trying hard to not cheat, but the guy didn't stand a chance otherwise. Whenever he had good cards his breathing rate would increase and most of the casino would hear it.
So as I'm sure you can guess he was sucked back to the dark side of poker. And the cheating was obvious.
I had a pair of tens, and decided to play it slow. On the river came another ten and two sevens. I made a large bet, Vader doubled it and everyone else had folded.
And so it came back around to me. If you don't know anything about poker, trust me on this, there is next to no chance of him having a better hand. Really the only way he could, would be if he was holding the other two sevens. And I didn't believe he did.
So I was willing to bet all-in at that point.
And I wanted to. And I went to.
But instead of pushing my chips in I found myself pushing my cards back.
And instead of saying 'all in' I found myself saying 'fold'.
"You bastard!" I yelled at Vader across the table. "You fucking cheated!"
"No I didn't."
"You did!"
From all the shouting, a member of staff who was patrolling the corner had come over.
"Is everything okay here, gentlemen?" He asked.
"Yes." Said Vader. I saw him starting to wave his hand.
"NO!" I quickly shouted, grabbing the attention of the man. "This dude's using the force. He made me fold a full-house."
"Is that true? Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Slowly, Vader got to his feet, all the time the massive eyes of the mask were aimed directly at me.
"I will fuck you up. I will find you and I will fuck you up." The first time emotion had slipped into his voice all night, and he slowly turned to walk away.
"I'll be dry fucking your mum's corpse."
Vader spun around instantly and the whole poker table lifted from the ground and just seemed to shatter into thousands of splinters of wood, clearing a path between us.
"Oh, shit." I muttered.
Going on instinct I turned and picked up my chair and spun back around to smash across Vader's head.
Instead the dumb bastard to my left didn't move and I ended up wrapping it around his back. Not having time to apologise, or thinking to, I began hitting Darth Vader with the two pieces of round wood that I had left of the chair.
He just stood there and laughed, very mighty, as the wood just bounced off him, causing no harm at all. So I tried something else.
Now, I'm no expert when it comes to making uniforms or costumes, but the first I would always consider, is a cup. Clearly the Emperor and Vader didn't.
As the stub of the chair smashed Vader in the nuts, he doubled over, clearly not able to let enough air out of his lungs.
"Mother fucker..." He hushed out.
"I will be when I find where yours is buried." I don't know why I said it, because I just knew it would be trouble.
Where he got the energy from after a hit I just got I will never know. I guess it's the power of the dark side. Worth thinking about. But he managed to swing upwards and just uppercut me in the jaw, taking me off my feet and into the wall behind me.
There was a terrifying zhoom as Darth Vader drew his lightsaber. I knew my time had come, so I waited for my life to flash before my eyes. All I could think about, however, was KFC. My life had obviously been both boring and unhealthy.
Then, with a swoosh of air Vader dropped the lightsaber onto the floor. He had a crudely made arrow sticking through his wrist. All eyes turned to the other end of the casino floor. A dozen Ewoks, along with Lando Calrissian and that weird little alien that flew with him in the Millennium Falcon when they blew up the second Death Star whose name I never learnt.
"Everyone, get out of here!" People didn't need telling twice. I'm a people. I ran for the doors too. On the way past I stopped alongside Lando.
"Why are you after him?" I asked. "I thought he turned good and died."
"It was all a lie. He faked his death and carried on being bad."
I turned back to see what was happening. Darth Vader had a radio in his hand.
"He's calling for back-up!" Lando yelled. "Attack now!"
I got the fuck out of there.
Outside in the car park I saw a shit load of Stormtroppers pull up in a transit van and parked outside the casino. I politely stepped aside and let them all run in to join the battle.
When they were all out of sight I let down the tyres on the van and then drove home.
User Reviews
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2006-05-29 12:21:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-05-29 11:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still good.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-05-29 11:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I felt bad for Vader, as he was obviously trying hard to not cheat, but the guy didn't stand a chance otherwise. Whenever he had good cards his breathing rate would increase and most of the casino would hear it.
This post was full of classic lines, and you only need one for a +2 in my book.
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2006-05-29 10:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
His WOULDN'T be a better hand than yours if he had the other two sevens. Your fullhouse 10's over 7's would trump. by the way this was awesome.
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-05-16 01:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a people!! i love it!!!
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-03-26 23:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-26 23:36:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Proper wicked.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-26 23:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"terrifying zhoom"
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-20 06:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-14 06:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-14 06:21:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
One day we should all just give Nath some money as reward for his awesome. £5 each.
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If I weren't so modest I'd agree
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-14 06:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One day we should all just give Nath some money as reward for his awesome. £5 each.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2006-03-14 05:40:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it sounds like that obnoxious asshat below doesn't know when to stop.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-14 05:13:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This still kicks ass.
And man, since I didn't see it earlier.
Fuck off, Sphag.
I did a LOT more drinking, a LOT less gambling, a good time was had by all, and ___ ___ed ___ with a ___.
Submitted by viciousthawts (user info) at 2006-03-10 03:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was hilarious. I lol in front of everybody
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-23 11:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:45:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:58:52 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:52:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
started really well and is a fucking awesome idea for a story, but you lost me with the fight dialgue between you and vader. having vader say 'i will fuck you up' and 'motherfucker' was lazy, and doesnt suit the character. it would have been funnier (in my opinion) for vader to be the usual formal, mainly quiet self while you taunt him with vulgar 'im gonna dry fuck your dead mother' insults.
---
Don't be lame. The whole point was that it was meant to be funny.
If that sort of thing bothered you, you're not the type of person this was meant for.
Geez... have a laugh everyone once and a while.
I'll be dry fucking your dead mothers later this week. """
shut up you pathetic piece of shit, it was some mild lit crit for one of the exceedingly few people on here I can be arsed rating properly. I had the exact same thought as my misogynist antipodean chum.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-21 19:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apology accepted, Captain Nath....
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-21 18:02:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That weird little alien that flew with Lando in the falcon in Jedi speaks Spanish.
Which did you like better, Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-02-21 16:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For future reference, his name was Nien Nunb, but don't ask me how its pronounced. As a side note, he is a Sullustan.
Good work, by the way.
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:46:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shouldn't he have known you weren't bluffing? Wasn't he psychic or something?
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:58:52 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:52:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
started really well and is a fucking awesome idea for a story, but you lost me with the fight dialgue between you and vader. having vader say 'i will fuck you up' and 'motherfucker' was lazy, and doesnt suit the character. it would have been funnier (in my opinion) for vader to be the usual formal, mainly quiet self while you taunt him with vulgar 'im gonna dry fuck your dead mother' insults.
---
Don't be lame. The whole point was that it was meant to be funny.
If that sort of thing bothered you, you're not the type of person this was meant for.
Geez... have a laugh everyone once and a while.
I'll be dry fucking your dead mothers later this week.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:36:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:55:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sphag, ask around for those from last year, I'm a wailin' good time.
And this year, it'll be less gambling, more drinking!
WOOT FOR DRINKING!
------
Shut up, moron.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-21 12:21:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-21 12:13:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I personally would like to see Darth Vader have a cameo on Sesame Street.
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I thought he did, but Count was too strong for him and during the epic battle Vader was changed forever.
That's why he dresses in black, so when he goes out at night the Count can't hunt him. But his time will come.
Oh yes, his time will come
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-21 12:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I personally would like to see Darth Vader have a cameo on Sesame Street.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 12:06:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:10:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 09:58:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit I was there that night.
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What the shit? Why didn't you have my back, man?
----
Screw that man I was gettin BUSY with some fine ladies....
And by busy I mean taking their drink order.... *cries emo waiter tears*
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:52:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
started really well and is a fucking awesome idea for a story, but you lost me with the fight dialgue between you and vader. having vader say 'i will fuck you up' and 'motherfucker' was lazy, and doesnt suit the character. it would have been funnier (in my opinion) for vader to be the usual formal, mainly quiet self while you taunt him with vulgar 'im gonna dry fuck your dead mother' insults.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:55:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sphag, ask around for those from last year, I'm a wailin' good time.
And this year, it'll be less gambling, more drinking!
WOOT FOR DRINKING!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BASTARD! I HATE YOU!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:42:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
every time i read a nath story i picture shaun of the dead. i love you man.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:25:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Neil Vadar.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"All I could think about, however, was KFC. My life had obviously been both boring and unhealthy."
this sealed the deal for me. Fucking awesome.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
started really well and is a fucking awesome idea for a story, but you lost me with the fight dialgue between you and vader. having vader say 'i will fuck you up' and 'motherfucker' was lazy, and doesnt suit the character. it would have been funnier (in my opinion) for vader to be the usual formal, mainly quiet self while you taunt him with vulgar 'im gonna dry fuck your dead mother' insults.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:15:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice!
especially this: "I felt bad for Vader, as he was obviously trying hard to not cheat, but the guy didn't stand a chance otherwise. Whenever he had good cards his breathing rate would increase and most of the casino would hear it. "
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I knew my time had come, so I waited for my life to flash before my eyes. All I could think about, however, was KFC. My life had obviously been both boring and unhealthy."
These couple of lines are so simple, yet so subtley amusing.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:10:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 09:58:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit I was there that night.
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What the shit? Why didn't you have my back, man?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 09:58:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit I was there that night.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-02-21 09:06:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of the prose in this didn't flow as well as your usaul stuff. But as per usual the plot/storyline is Golden.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-21 09:05:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very clever!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-02-21 08:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nath, you rock my socks.
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-21 08:54:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't rate this one high enough.
The Force has a strong-influence on the weak-minded.
Hmmm...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-21 08:17:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aces.
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2006-02-21 08:16:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Darth Vader. Any post on Uber can be improved with the addition of either Darth Vader or ninjas.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-21 08:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah it's going to be an awesome time all round
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-02-21 08:01:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
10 bucks says JGreening is the most boring clinger you've ever met in your life.
Have fun trying to get away from him for 5 minutes.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You smoke WAAAYY too much pot, dude.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by claymation_dude (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:55:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:45:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Very kick-ass.
Can't wait to meet you. 11 days!
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Should be awesome. Just hope I'm not too hungover from the Thursday/Friday. Doubt it though. Going to pace myself for Saturday/Sunday
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and BORED AT FUCKING WORK, PEOPLE!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:45:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very kick-ass.
Can't wait to meet you. 11 days!
Submitted by Brian_Blessed (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:41:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stormtrooper: Let me see your identification.
Obi-Wan replaced by myself, the fabulous BRIAN BLESSED: [influencing the stormtrooper's mind] YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE HIS IDENTIFICATION LADDIE!!!
Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his identification. [visibly wincing from the volume]
Obi-Wan replaced by myself, the fabulous BRIAN BLESSED: THESE AREN'T TEH DRODS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR MACGUYVER - I MEAN STORMTROOPER!!!
Stormtrooper: [blood seeps from the helmet ear slits[ These aren't the droids we're looking for.
Obi-Wan replaced by myself, the fabulous BRIAN BLESSED: HE CAN GO ABOUT HIS BUSINESS LIKE I DID IN BLACKADDER WHERE I PLAYED THE KING!!
Stormtrooper: [quiet sobs of pain - blood flow now constant] You can go about your business.
Obi-Wan replaced by myself, the fabulous BRIAN BLESSED: MOVE ALONG!!
Stormtrooper: Move along... move along.
Obi-Wan replaced by myself, the fabulous BRIAN BLESSED: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THAT GEORGE?!! FAR BETTER THAN EFFEMINATE POSER ALEC GUINESS - NEVER SEE MY BUILDING A BRIDGE FOR THE JAPANESIES WHAT?!!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked this
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I find your lack of ace disturbing.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:33:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Transit vans need more cameos
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:32:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did someone say "ewoks"?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The weird little alien was called "Nien Nunb" actually.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-21 07:26:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/62304