The Shamrock Open- The Glass Shillelagh (877 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (View user info) at 2006-02-21 09:53:13 EST
I know when you open one of these Ubercontest posts you think "Oh fuck me I'm not gonna go through the emotional rollercoaster that will be this entry. It will involve heart wrenching tales of incest or spousal abuse or extremely hot girl-on-girl-on-sea lion action and I just don't have the time."
Thank god this post will involve none of those...Well maybe the sea lion thing if I can swing it. This is a post about a mystical item I set out to find and capture so that I may possibly abuse the mystical power that comes with it and totally make all those dickheads from high school jealous of me despite the fact that I drive a Toyota Tercel. It is a tale of...not mystery or intrigue really. More crazed rantings that I managed to record after a particular acid trip and write down....Frankly I doubt I'll be able to keep your attention at all...Fuck it read the damn thing.
It begins on a plane.
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"Uh, excuse me this is your captain speaking. We are currently cruising over Ireland and are going to be coming in for a landing soon, so please fasten your seatbelts." The overhead speaker blared at everyone in the plane. It was silent for a moment before once again a loud metallic scratch rang out and the speaker flicked on once again for the captain to say one last word.
"Oh and sky marshals, please make sure HighVoltage is detained for landing."
"OH FUCK YOU LARRY! I SAW YOUR NAME TAG I KNOW WHO YOU ARE FROM NOW ON!" I cried out from my sitting position, with two sky marshals standing over me guns drawn. I was in the back of the plane by the bathrooms sitting cross legged with my hands tied around my back.
These dudes just don't know how to take a joke...
"Seriously guys, it's Ireland. So what if I had too much to booze and threatened to blow up the plane in the name of the IRA, who takes that shit seriously?" I asked realistically.
Apparently the sky marshals had a differing opinion than mine, and clubbed me in the back of the head with the butt of their pistol.
Needless to say, the next couple of hours went by pretty fast. And dark. Dark was a predominant sensation at the time. Probably because a throbbing pain in the back of my skull was keeping me from opening my eyes.
When I finally began to feel something other than pain, it was a poking in my side.
"Ow! Stop that!" I said opening my eyes finally to a hobo standing over me poking me with a stick. I had been unceremoniously dropped into a gutter in some generic Irish town and now a hobo dressed in usual destroyed hobo clothes was poking me.
"Dude shit, stop that." I said as I waved away the stick and slowly got to my feet. That wasn't the first time I had gotten knocked unconscious by a foreign police force, but it was my first time in Ireland. I think...
That one time in Florida where an officer O'Grady and his patrol buddy gang beat me for hours doesn't count as an Irish police force right? Good. This was my first dose of Irish police brutality.
The hobo stopped his poking as I stood up and brushed my pants.
"You got any money friend?" He asked hopefully with a thick Irish accent. I was about to call him out on the accent being fake, but remembered I was in Ireland, chances were he thought MY accent was fake. Which is absurd because obviously I'm American and therefore don't need to hide my heritage as I am viewed as a god in other countries.
Okay demi-god, I will be realistic. But easily in the "bow down and worship" range.
"No sorry man. I don't have much. I'm here looking for the magic Glass Shillelagh." I said and he gasped. The hobo began to look over his shoulder suspiciously and make sure no one was around.
"I know the location of the Glass Shillelagh. To find it is a journey only the strong can survive and the weak will break down when faced with. Can you undergo this quest and survive? For if you doubt your constitution you have no place searching for it." He explained in a hushed voice.
I stared at him silently for a moment.
Another moment passed in silence with only blinking being the interchange between us.
.....Silence.
"Dude I'm American my Constitution kicks ass." I said finally. The hobo blinked and then shook his head sadly.
"Look. Travel down this road until you see the end of the rainbow and you'll find the Glass Shillelagh there." He said pointing down the road. I nodded and dug into my pocket and took out a quarter and handed it to him.
"Hey man, don't be a hobo. There are better ways to live." I said as I put the quarter into his gloved hand. He looked at me with a puzzled gaze.
"Hobo? I'm a freelance journalist." He said but I was already walking away down the road whispering 'Poor hobo...' to myself.
Seriously that road was a bitch to walk down. It kept winding around gnomes and elves and shit. Everyone was embarking on quests and just generally resisting the English wherever they could despite the fact that no one can tell the English/Scottish/Irish apart.
THERE I SAID IT! OKAY, NONE OF US KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! You all get drunk and beat the hell out of each other over things you think are really important. You should focus on more serious things.
Like Canadian elections.
Any who after walking a few miles I saw a brightly colored building sitting off by itself on the side of the road. It was colored in red, blue, purple, green and yellow with lots of gay pride flags hanging around it. There was a sign over the door I couldn't read until I got closer.
"The End of the Rainbow" it said....
I blinked at the fact that the author was not above using that joke and shrugged as I went inside.
I was immediately hit with the view of a huge array of sex toys, pornos, and the general contents of a gay sex shop, something I was not familiar with. I SWEAR! I have never been in one before in my life! QUIT LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!
I wandered through the store looking around and taking a faint interest in the scene of debauchery going on in one dark corner of the shop. Two girls seemed to be getting freaky with a sea lion (I FIT IT IN! I'M AM TEH ROXOR!) who was wearing a green velvet hat and making pleased sea lion sounds which I will assume sound like a wet rag being dragged across gravel.
At the very back of the shop, sitting behind a cash register was a leprechaun wearing a purple sports jacket that I approached.
"Uh hey dude. I'm looking for the Glass Shillelagh if you know where it is." I inquired. The leprechaun looked surprised and pointed to another corner where an elaborate stone pedestal stood. On top of the pedestal, radiating light was the Glass Shillelagh floating a few inches off the stone top.
"Oh..." I said walking over to the Glass Shillelagh and standing next to it.
"So like...what do I do?" I asked the leprechaun over my shoulder. I heard a deep sigh and then a lispy gay voice speak.
"Tuh! You just...GRAB it." He said putting emphasis on grab. I'll be honest, it kind of freaked me out that a gay leprechaun was instructing me to grab random objects.
"Uh...okay." I said my hand stretching for the Glass Shillelagh.
...
"That's it? I just have to grab it and take it?" I asked. This seemed really easy. That damn hobo lied to me, this quest was much easier than the time I had to close the gates of Garesh to keep Hillary Clinton from running for public office and locked in the fiery chambers of hell for all eternity.
Obviously I failed in that one, but it's one lost battle, and I have not surrendered the war.
"Just take it..." The leprechaun said in an annoyed tone. I shrugged and snatched the Glass Shillelagh off the pedestal.
After removing it, I heard an evil laugh.
Well okay not so much evil, as sniping and cutting. You know...a gay one.
"You have removed the Glass Shillelagh from the protective zone that the wizard Merlin placed it in so as to keep me from attaining it. The Glass Shillelagh could only be removed by a mortal's hand, and now you have done that! I will kill you and take it so as to bring leprechaun death to all who oppose me!" The leprechaun said leaping onto the counter and whipping out a huge black dildo which he held menacingly in his hands.
"Uhhhhh...Shit?" I said quizzically. The leprechaun went to throw the huge dildo before I cried out.
"Wait hold on! Why are the big dildo's always black? Why aren't they white? That's racist, you're assuming white guys don't have a huge penis." I said finally venting something that had been bothering me for a long time. The gay leprechaun stood there thinking this over for a moment.
"Alright if you can show me your huge penis, then we will apologize for the racist idea that white guys don't have huge dicks." He said.
...
"Fine fuck you! I don't have a big penis. Are you gonna fight me or not?" I asked. He threw the black dildo at me and I flinched because I was about to get a face full of Irish sex toy when suddenly a bright light flashed out of the Glass Shillelagh and engulfed me in brilliance. The dildo immediately turned to Luck Charms and fell harmlessly on the floor.
"FUCK! You have now tamed the power of the Glass Shillelagh!" The leprechaun narrated and I nodded my head wisely.
"Pimp this...biotch." I said as I turned the full power of the Glass Shillelagh on the leprechaun.
All while this was going on, the sea lion and his two ho's were in the wild throes of sex. They were slipping and sliding around the floors, slowly coming closer to me with every aquatic pelvis thrust and hip buck.
The Glass Shillelagh began radiating everything that is Ireland on the evil, gay leprechaun. Booze, a growing economy, and inbred genetics spilled out of the magical device and began to melt the gay leprechaun away to nothing.
"Noooo!!!! NOOOOOO!" The leprechaun screamed before bursting into flames and dropping to the floor a smoldering ruin of a leprechaun.
I knew of all moments, this was the time to say something cool like in the movies or else the moment would be wasted.
"Happy Saint Patties day ya dirty whore..."I muttered dramatically.
It was at this point the sea lion/two girls trio had finally fucked and sucked their way over to where I was standing and the sea lion smashed into me. Let me tell you, having an extremely horny sea lion smash into you is no small deal. I got knocked to the floor and the Glass Shillelagh flew out of my hands.
It fell to the floor and shattered.
"Stupid Irish people...if you are gonna make a mythical weapon, don't make it out of glass..." I muttered to myself as I got up.
User Reviews
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:16:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-02-23 15:00:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by drivebyasshole (user info) at 2006-02-23 11:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sea lions make me horny.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:05:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Licious if you miss me so much why don't you email me?
I'M BORED!
HighVoltage900.at.aol.com
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-23 08:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This lass knows about the rating system, babe. Just missed you, is all.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-23 07:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks licious but it's okay. You have already rated it a +2. Adding more +2's doesn't change the average.
But at least I know you care *HUGS!*......
.....*looks around to make sure no one is nearby*....
....*RAPES!*
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-23 07:38:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Erin
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-23 07:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-23 07:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bragh
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Both submissions under the assigned heading were great. This one kept to the
title, the other seemed to be an outpouring of regret.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:03:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-22 21:48:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
_________________________________________
Hey Dead! I wish you were, in Ohio or anywhere else. Fuck the Sky,
you should be in the dirt. Asshole...
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Must be a Ginny fan huh?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:03:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-22 21:48:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
_________________________________________
Hey Dead! I wish you were, in Ohio or anywhere else. Fuck the Sky,
you should be in the dirt. Asshole...
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-22 21:48:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:09:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I did not read this, but I will +2 for good sportsmanship. Plus you will probably win because this jumped up a little faster than I anticipated and my schedule is hemorrhaging as it is for the next few days, but I like that, I would rather not think about something for too long... it hurts my womb to think too much. I promise I will post something as I hate it when an opponent doesn't show.
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Hey man don't worry about it. neither of us are in form. I understand schedules can hit you hard.
The only reason why I am asking you to post is I am interested to see what you would submit. If it is going to make you behind on things I will have no hard feelings if you don't. But then you owe me a tribute post later.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2006-02-21 13:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did not read this, but I will +2 for good sportsmanship. Plus you will probably win because this jumped up a little faster than I anticipated and my schedule is hemorrhaging as it is for the next few days, but I like that, I would rather not think about something for too long... it hurts my womb to think too much. I promise I will post something as I hate it when an opponent doesn't show.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-21 12:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
enjoyable as always.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:47:35 (#)
Ranking: 1
I've seen your better work.
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I hate this piece. It was forced.
I am not going to make excuses though for it. I'm looking forward to Mick Ginny's.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've seen your better work. Like Brd, I'll rate your competition's post accordingly, so don't worry about this bastard child over here.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, that guy has a huge dick! Is that Shlongy?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:23:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
For if you doubt your constitution you have no place searching for it." He explained in a hushed voice.
I stared at him silently for a moment.
Another moment passed in silence with only blinking being the interchange between us.
.....Silence.
"Dude I'm American my Constitution kicks ass." I said finally. The hobo blinked and then shook his head sadly.
=============================================
HAHAHA This was pretty funny, Voltage. It's "Saint Patties" now? Sigh.
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Sorry love. I just figured I would avoid all the hype and be non-original.
I still would like to fill you with my seed if that is any consolation.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For if you doubt your constitution you have no place searching for it." He explained in a hushed voice.
I stared at him silently for a moment.
Another moment passed in silence with only blinking being the interchange between us.
.....Silence.
"Dude I'm American my Constitution kicks ass." I said finally. The hobo blinked and then shook his head sadly.
=============================================
HAHAHA This was pretty funny, Voltage. It's "Saint Patties" now? Sigh.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-21 11:22:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The visuals on this were HIlarious.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:59:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hobo? I'm a freelance journalist."
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:55:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny story, and I especially enjoyed the disclaimer at the beginning.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, beats most of my writing.
Submitted by ChurleR (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:36:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:30:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChurleR (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:27:33 (#)
Ranking: 1
Seriously that road was a bitch to walk down. It kept winding around gnomes and elves and shit. Everyone was embarking on quests and just generally resisting the English wherever they could despite the fact that no one can tell the English/Scottish/Irish apart.
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And then you put a picture of the Scottish Caber Toss at the end. Bravo. ;)
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It was in the google.images results for Shillilagh...Or however it's spelled.
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Ah well, I thought it worked well with that line, made me chuckle.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I reserve the right to adjust my rating if I feel that your competitors piece is better but for now +2.
"Happy Saint Patties day ya dirty whore..."I muttered dramatically.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:30:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChurleR (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:27:33 (#)
Ranking: 1
Seriously that road was a bitch to walk down. It kept winding around gnomes and elves and shit. Everyone was embarking on quests and just generally resisting the English wherever they could despite the fact that no one can tell the English/Scottish/Irish apart.
-----------
And then you put a picture of the Scottish Caber Toss at the end. Bravo. ;)
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It was in the google.images results for Shillilagh...Or however it's spelled.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good, but not great...could have used less of(your own commentary).
Submitted by ChurleR (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:27:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Seriously that road was a bitch to walk down. It kept winding around gnomes and elves and shit. Everyone was embarking on quests and just generally resisting the English wherever they could despite the fact that no one can tell the English/Scottish/Irish apart.
-----------
And then you put a picture of the Scottish Caber Toss at the end. Bravo. ;)
Entertaining. The next time I see a leprechaun with a monstrous black dildo, I'm hauling ass.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-21 10:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good.