The Shamrock Open-What's Beneath the Kilt (1141 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.53 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The_taste_of_monkeys (View user info) at 2006-02-21 15:18:59 EST
A Big Pair of Hairy Nuts.
That's right, balls. THAT'S what is beneath the Kilt. Balls made of fucking steel.
As a Scotsman I know this fact intimately. My own testicles were constructed in Glasgow's Scotstoun Shipyards from military grade steel, swung into position using a sixty foot crane and welded into place by a fifty strong team of highly trained engineers, three of whom died through sheer exhaustion and I am the LEAST example of a Scotsman.
The whole reason we wear kilts is to prove how rock hard we are.
Imagine the scene: You are one of the original Scotsmen, a Celt newly arrived in our bonny land. You gaze around at the beautiful purple thistles...the beautiful yet very sharp thistles...throw off your pantaloons and don a proto-kilt and skip through the cruel, cruel landscape, the scratchy heather and vicious thistle causing terrible oozing wounds to your tender loins.
Now fast-forward a few thousand years.
Just think of it, the current batch of Scots are those descended from the survivors of the first initial and terrible purges of the landscape tearing at our ancestors precious nutsack. Two thousand years of toughening up the bollocks.
Some, however, do not see it that way. They MOCK the kilt and call us "Jessies" and "Women".
The joke is on them. For not only do we have balls of iron, our national dress contains another surprise. A concealed weapon in the form of a short dagger, the Sgian Dubhs. (Pronounced skein doo)
Correct; we DELIBRATLY wear a national dress that INVITES a fight, just so we can knife people.
Scotsmen throughout the ages have left their mark on the world. The mark being the imprint of two giant hairy bollocks!
The Romans were the first big power to fear our now legendary balls.
After sweeping up most of England and Wales, the Romans came to Scotland and confronted the Picts...and got a sodding great axe to the face!
After a few decades of getting their ass handed to them, they built a wall and tried to forget we were there. Except that we kept raiding them for the next couple of hundred years, just to piss them off.
The Vikings raided Scotland almost constantly for about two hundred years (killing most of the nobility, allowing the formation of Scotland by the surviving Scotti peoples)
Rather then weaken us, it seemed to make us even more ballsy and we proceeded to kick them out of the country by the end of the tenth century.
Our regiments in the First World War went into battle wearing kilts with the pipes playing. Every regiment suffered horrendous casualties (mainly due to idiots in High Command) and every regiment had high honours placed upon it.
Just one example of Scots bravery: In 1918 the 51st Highlanders fought for three days with no sleep, no supporting fire and low ammunition against an overwhelming German counter-attack...AND FOUGHT THEM OFF!
When reinforcements arrived on the third day the Germans were ALREADY in retreat. Ballsy.
WW2, D-Day, Sword beach. 21 year old Bill Millan (who is still alive) piped the Scottish regiments onto the beach, playing 'The Highland Laddie'
German soldiers later claimed they didn't shoot him because they thought he was mad.
His brigade then fought their way to relieve the airborne commandos who had captured Pegasus Bridge, nearly four miles away. There, Bill's pipes were nearly destroyed by shrapnel from a shell landing close by; Bill was unharmed...BECAUSE HIS NUTS GOT IN THE WAY!
Even being Scottish by association makes you adamantium tough. A single platoon of the Canadian Scottish regiment took out a Chateau full of German troops, three machine gun nests and walked through a minefield unscathed ALL IN ONE DAY!
Britain's highest military honour, the Victoria Cross has been presented 253 times to Scotsmen, nearly 20% of the total crosses given out. Considering the VC can be awarded to any British or Commonwealth troops that is a disproportionately high percentage of Scots.
The SAS are Britain's feared elite Special Forces unit. Renowned throughout the world for their level of training and sheer balls to the wall hardness.]
Founded by a Scotsman, Captain David Stirling
Most of the regiment is made up of Scots.
POW!
Even our WOMEN have balls like coconuts:
Mary Slessor (1848-1915) : A missionary in 19th century West Africa. In that society at the time women were treated like cattle, so God only knows what they thought of Mary (who tried to persuade her expedition to supply her mission with a Maxim machine-gun).
She once broke up a fight between rival tribes by running into the middle of the fight with nothing but her umbrella and hitting the tribesmen till they stopped in confusion.
"The Sporran!" You cry "What is the sporran for?! Surely it is another weapon in your arsenal of hardiness?! Perchance it folds out into a small mobile howitzer?"
Well....no. Kilts don't have pockets and we need somewhere to put our boozing money.
Our close friends and relatives across the Sea, the Irish, did not in fact wear a kilt. In fact, it is thought that the garment historians mistook for a kilt was in fact a long shirt, worn outside the lower dressings.
That's right, the Irish wore a dress as their national costume, they too were looking for an excuse for a scrap.
So, ladies, when on a night out and you see a Scotsman, ask to see the contents of his Kilt, he'll gladly show you his hairy nuts of steel as the kilt has one other useful factor, other than proving we're hard: easy access for a good humping.
Yes, come to Scotland, we are balls.
slainte
User Reviews
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-02-28 11:04:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still funny the tenth time around
Submitted by LadyJay (user info) at 2006-02-22 01:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thought was informative and funny, irish dont wear kilts, sorry to all those "irish" in america who think getting married in a kilt is "traditional" ... an irish man wearing a kilt in ireland would get stomped... well, only after I had a look up it to see if he was really scottish, love that accent.. superrrrrrrrb
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-02-21 22:33:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm 1/4 Romanian and 3/4 Mutt.
Some of that's gotta be Scottish.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-02-21 22:32:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WW2, D-Day, Sword beach. 21 year old Bill Millan (who is still alive) piped the Scottish regiments onto the beach, playing 'The Highland Laddie'
German soldiers later claimed they didn't shoot him because they thought he was mad.
That is utterly beautiful. And, dude, if all of the testicles in Scotland are grey like that... Have you all ever considered seeing a doctor about that shit? It doesn't look healthy.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-21 19:34:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Irish don't wear kilts, so I think you did fine...
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-21 18:18:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was the DELIBRATLY that ruined this for me.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-02-21 16:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well isn't that.....umm....spiffy?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-21 16:24:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-21 16:02:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
The art job bumped this to a 2.
I'm glad my sack doesn't look like that.
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2006-02-21 16:19:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
But it only warrants a 1.5
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2006-02-21 16:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-02-21 16:17:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-21 16:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The art job bumped this to a 2.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-21 16:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But when spoken, they're both understood to mean "you got your nancy-asses stomped."
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:50:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
One word:
Coludden.
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Another word:
Culloden
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
One word:
Coludden.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those nuts look like a blind hippo.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:44:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you though and you can have sex with any of the Uber wimminz in my harem to make up for it.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, I apolagise. I typed that into my spellcheck and it's obviously fucked cos it doesnt notice it.
Like anything I wrote was going to beat Orgasmatron anyway.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"DELIBRATLY"
When you capitalize words it draws extra attention to them and if those words are mispelled that grinds the flow to a halt. A regularly sized word you can pass over, but all caps?
I am pretty sure in Britain it is still spelled 'deliberately'.
Look I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I like you dude but yeah. This is not going to dispell Orgasmatron.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:38:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm getting sick of hearing Scots brag about how tough they are.
So far, all I've seen are the likes of Zakalwe, and that ain't saying much. I'd knock his block off in a scrap in about 3 seconds.
That's like me saying, "I'm from Texas. I'll kick your ass."
However you get a +1 because I downloaded "Highland Laddie," and I can certainly see how that would befuddle the fuck out of the Krauts.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:34:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
Honestly I would have given this a 0 but it is a contest so...yeah I'll be nice.
Run it through word next time.
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It was.
I'm in BRI-TAIN, we spell things DIFF-ER-ENTLY, my spellcheck uses UK English.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:34:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Honestly I would have given this a 0 but it is a contest so...yeah I'll be nice.
Run it through word next time.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:28:57 (#)
Ranking: 1
.....Dude, it's an IRISH contest.
IRELAND!
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Yes, however the irish DONT WEAR KILTS! I improvised.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:31:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah... no.
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Even our WOMEN have balls like coconuts"
HAHAHA!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.....Dude, it's an IRISH contest.
IRELAND!
Now I know I can't tell the difference between you guys but at least you should.
Also I have no idea who the SAS are.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Even being Scottish by association makes you adamantium tough.
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I have a friend that is from Aberdeen. Does that make me tough as well?
Also, should women that find a Scotsman asleep outside a pub tie a blue ribbon on his Hoo-hoo dilly?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*chuckles*
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-21 15:21:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
NEEDS MORE WOAD